Been using weather balloons to send stuff up there, so i decided to become the first man in history to shoot a rocket pop. Thats right a rocket pop, into space. May god have mercy on my soul. Houston, in 10, 9, 8 im not liking this breeze. Im scrubbing the launch. Im scrubbing the launch guys. Well try to get it in four weeks. This is much Better Weather conditions. This is one step for me, and anyone that owns a weather balloon. A lick for luck. Found it. There it is. I just liked the only popsicle that went to space. Im also the only white person to enjoy dessert in ka compton. Balls in your court, dippin dots. Ice cream of the future my ass. Goodnight. Switch to hover mode. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause the colbert report the colbert report the colbert report cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause stephen well come to the report. Good to you have with us, lady its and gentlemen, let me begin by saying ellen silla lumen omentielvo. applause stephen i slipped in a little quenya there, im just so pumped about the new hobbit movie about that hobbit, the hobbit. Hobbit, hobbit, hobbit. You ever say a word so pain times it sounds like Somebody Just made it up . Anyway, this thursday is the new york premier of Peter Jacksons j. R. R. Tolkien the hobbit part one, an unexpected journey, tokyo drift. laughter and this week we got all the big stars. Sir ian mckellen, gandalf the grey. cheers and applause we got sir martin freeman, bilbo baggins. cheers and applause sir Peter Jackson who played a very convincing film director. And sir andy serkis who is either the man who played caesar in rise of the planet of the aprils or he is a superchimp who plays this man. laughter applause and we have got for your pleasure weve got an even bigger tolkien name lined up to host our hobbit week, me. cheers and applause as Peter Jackson himself said of me in entertainment weekly, quote, i have never met a bigger tolkien geek in my life. You hear that . You hear that girls from middle school . Im not a geek. Im king geek. cheers and applause you just, bud heee just handling there for another five years. You want a payoff . Of course once it got out on the internet that i had visited the set of the hobbit new zealand last year it touched off a firestorm in the media about my possible involvement in the movie. Started with the Christian Science upon ters innocent question, will Stephen Colbert appear in the hobbit . Followed by the Hollywood Reporter as Stephen Colbert to make cameo in the hobbit. And then the bombshell examiner headline, the hobbit movie news Stephen Colbert to star in lord of the rings prequel. I have to say i have to say that was an exciting and unverified escalation of my career. But is any of it true . Well, my lips are sealed. But let me ask you this if i did not appear in the hobbit trilogy, why do i have the elvish blade string. cheers and applause one of the original stings used in the lord of the ring the trilogy, where did i get t find it in a mountain troll cave or is it just some prop. Oh no, this was made in gondolin before the fall. cheers and applause nation, i love new york city. The big apple, the city that never sleeps, rat xanadu. So i was crushed to learn the metropolis i know and love has changed, not one person was murdered in new york city on monday. Nypd Deputy Commissioner paul brown couldnt even remember the last time a day went by where not one person was shot, stabbed or slashed. laughter stephen what happened . I remember the real new york of the 80s, when in a single night you could score some weed, catch a times square porno and then get stabbed in the neck by a cokedup lou reed. And that was a pretty good first datement now times square has become a Disney Bubba Gump wimp company. The worst that could happen is one of those giant m ms tries to flash you its peanut. Where is the thrilling dangerous city of midnight cowboy or taxi driver . You talking to me . Stephen i wish i was talking to you. laughter instead of im talking to her. Supercalifragislisticexpiali supercalifragislisticexpiali [bleep] me. Folk, ive had it, had it. This disturbing lack of violence is not just a problem for our city t is a problem for the Republican Party. In this last election they lost the blacks. They lost the women, they lost young voters. They lost latinos by 44 . Even more surprising they failed it to get 100 of the white male vote. But there might be a way to turn the voter tide in the gops favor and it brings us to tonights word. cheers and applause base instinct. Now, folk, the climbing street violence may seem like a positive development to some. But as the Washington Post charles lane recently wrote fear of street crime once converted many a White Working Class democrat into a republican. But safer streets have now blunted what was once a sharp wedge issue. And folks, without crime the gops only remaining wedge issues are gay marriage, immigration, flag burning, voter fraud, welfare, gun control and of course contraception. Now in the good old laughter in the good old bad days of the 80s republicans could turn out the suburban white vote simply by showing images of scary guys like Willie Horton being allowed to go in and out of prison. To this day im terrified to go through a revolving door. laughter now getting tough on crime was a key conservative issue that is gone. And worse, its the conservatives own damn fault. Take rudy giuliani. The republican tough on crime new york mayor who cracked down on turnstile jumpers, broken windows and squeegee guys. Squeegee guys without curiously disappeared right before the opening of new yorks body exhibits. laughter unfortunately, unfortunately it, withouted too well. Now the right is being punished for its own success. Like dentists who gave us fluoride and to you dont have cavities to fill or my teach a man to fish seafood restaurant. No one ever comes back. We have got to do something to scare white voters into voting republican. So tonight laughter tonight, ladies and gentlemen, i am calling on all of americas disenfranchised minorities to violently rise up against the white male patriarchy that is keeping you down. It is time to stick it to the man. And i should know, im the man. laughter i mean look look look at everything i have. You see this ipad . See this ipad right here, i got it for free. And my free ipad has its own free miniipad which has its own free iphone 5, which has a free nano, which has its own free shuffle. I can afford all this but i dont have to pay for it. Doesnt that just make you want to bluferjon me with a chair leg until i burst open like a cash pinata . Meanwhile applause meanwhile down troden, your future prospects are pretty dim. I mean have you heard the coming cuts to Public Education or food stamps . Have you heard about the cuts to medicaid . And folks, let me tell you, the rich just get richer. So really mugging an old couple outside the operahouse is a form of justice. I mean think about it laughter ultimately all of in is societys fault and i say its pay back time. You know what might put you in the mindset for mayhem . Nice big bag of meth. Hmmmm, some of the tasty blue, go nuts. Tweak out. Torch a mall food court. So on behalf, on behalf of all my friends in the Republican Party, please do something frightening between now and the midterm elections because if you do not, the republicans will have to do something truly terrifying like addressing the needs of blacks, women and hispanics. And thats the word. Well be right back. cheers and applause welcome back, everybody, thanks, folks. Nation, the network has informed me time and again of the importance of the 18 to 34yearold demographic. So i figure appealing to the 68 to 94yearold must be three times as important. So every once in a while i like to take a moment to address older viewers personally. This is Stephen Colberts senior moment. Nation, as you age you start to face some tough questions like why is it so cold in here. Or who is twitter. And why doesnt that coloured nurse like it when i call her that coloured nurse. But more than anything you wonder where youll spend your golden years, Nursing Homes can be isolating and Catherine Zetajones can only marry one old man at a time. Now sure, your Adult Children could take you in but if you lived in the basement where would they put the bumper pool table. The grandkids need that to throw their wet coats on. Luckily the solution could be as close as the very lawn you yell at kids to keep off. Were checking out a business that makes grange pods that is what they are calling them, longterm care Housing Options for the elderly. Theyre portable. They can be set up right on your property n your backyard if you want. The units are specifically designed to meet the needs of your loved ones and are an option some say to choosing over Nursing Homes. Stephen yes, a grahnee pod. Why spend time in a cold, sterile hospital environment far from your family when you could be in a cold, sterile hostile environment within sight of your family. In your very own medical grade shed. For just 85 to 125,000, grahnee pods offer a cozy 12 by 24 feet, almost one 8th of a volleyball court. Sure its small but think how often your granddaughter will visit once she sees you living in a doll house. And you wont need a livein nurse because the grahnee pod is packed with the one thing helder elderly people love most, technology. We put an automatic dispenser that in turn the caregiver can pull up on their ipad and they can see whether or not theyve taken their medication. Now your family can check your meds from their ipad. It is medical care with all the bedside manner of an automatic cat feeder. laughter now im aware, im aware, folks, not everybody has the backyard space for a grahnee pod. That is why tonight im proud to introduce my new product for budget conscious Golden Age Living Stephen Colberts peepaw crate. Its a state of the art grandparent Storage Solution that is roof rack ready. And it comes with an attachable automatic hydration system which can be filled with water and sure t on holidays, whiskey sours. Call now and be sure to ask the operator about our other elder Care Products Stephen Colberts a little slice of heaven. Well be right back. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is an actor who has appeared in numerous roles in the Royal Shakespeare company and the national theatre. I will ask him who would win in a fight magneto or gandalf. Please welcome ian mckellen. cheers and applause mr. Mckelan, thank you so much for joining me. What a pleasure, good to see you. Ive missed, i dont understand telephonement when im on the set in hobbit and i expect people to be a lot smaller than me. Stephen but i i never thought to say this, Stephen Colbert, youre big. Stephen thank you. Where the hell are your ears in. Stephen i actually have one elf ear if you look closely. You do. Stephen i do, i will show you my wizard trick, watch this ready . All right. Oh, oh. Nice, eh . Gandalf cant do that. I can do other things. Stephen this is a family show. Exactly. Stephen now 50 year career, theatre, film, acclaimed. You finally did something good with the gandalf thing, okay. All right. I got myself a franchise. Stephen you did, you did. Now i know everybodys got bated breath to see a little taste of it. So jimmy, lets show the good people what they came here for. Oh, yeah. Bilbo, this is about your i cant take this. The blade is of elvish make which means it will blow blue when o xs orcs or goblins are nearby. I have never used a sword in my life. And i hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this, true courage is about Living Learning not when to take a life but when to cheers and applause he really is good, isnt he . Stephen he really is. And so is par tin freeman. Stephen was it hard for to you go back to gandalf the grey after having been gandalf the white, it is kind of a demotion. I never really liked gandalf the white, hes such. Stephen where not. Hes such a stick, so boring. Stephen he had fabulous hair. That is truement but no jokes. Stephen oh, so gandalf the grey. No smokinging, no drinking, no you can believe it, in kids movie and all the characters smoke. I love it. Stephen now we talked about politics for a secretary. Please. Stephen okay. You are a gay rights advocate. Uhhuh. Stephen is that the proper term. Well, im gay so of course cheers and applause stephen you know im a fan, ive already gurbd. Here is my beef with you. Okay. By being openly gay and a gay rights advocate and being a beloved star of billion dollar blockbusters, my fear is you dont just make gay seem acceptable, okay, which i have my own problems with. You make it seem heroic. Ah. cheers and applause stephen okay, are you the sharp knifepoint of the gay agenda trying to brainwash our children. Well, thats what the Republican Party think and fear but there we go. But i have played some horrible men in my time like macbeth. Stephen all of them are great too. They are gay murders and i have news for you, gay people do all sorts of things. Sometimes they are good, and sometimes not so good. Theyre just like the rest of you. Stephen so you will admit that sometimes gay people are terrible. You will odd hit that. Thats right. You know were making a sequel. Stephen to what. In middle earth, actually perhaps i shouldnt say. It gandalf the gay. cheers and applause stephen so tell me, please and you get to find out who is his favorite dwarf. Stephen i cant wait to see it in 3d is all im saying. laughter how do you feel what is it like dealing with those tolkien nerds, those guys who must come up to you people like you . Stephen well, i guess, yes. You are the sweetest, most intelligent caring people that you meet, seriously. I went down in comicon in san diego. All the fans are there, all the geeks and nerds so, called. I go down and see them sleeping out, waiting for our presentation, they turn out to be teachers and students and literary majors. Stephen and pundit. And pundits. Stephen what about the people who are really annoying who think they i know more about your character than you do, ian mckellen, and they are you back to yourself again. Stephen what . Well, i guess i do know a lot about it. I bet you know what gandalfs middle name is. Stephen 50 shades. There you go. Do you know what your characters name was over in valinor. Olorin. Stephen do you know which he hung out withness with lots of them. Stephen no, nenyar. The balaor greece, mi beating gandalf the grey. Are you. And lets not get on to magneto. Stephen are you ever tempted when you were like, when are you playing gandalf and the orcs are coming at you are you attempted to use that Magneto Power and take their swords from them. No, gandalf is more powerful than magneto. Stephen could gandalf beat magneto. Yes, every time. The old guy will do it every time, he is 7,000 years old. He knows it all. I love gandalf the grey. I love him. Stephen and i love you, ian mckellen. cheers and applause thank you so much, thank you so much, ian mckellen. The hobbit. Well be right back. Thank you sop much
comparemela.com © 2020. All Rights Reserved.