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ever forget. >> he was instrumental in helping people's lives become better. >> tonight, we remember lives well lived. ♪♪ one year ago. a cruel and mysterious threat arrived on our soil. in the beginning it was unclear how long covid would be here and how many people it would steal from us. then the weeks and months that followed covid moved ruthlessly through our biggest cities and eventually invaded even our smallest towns leaving no part of our country untouched. ultimately it would exact a far greater toll on communities of color but no group of americans has been spared. hi, everyone. i'm niccole wallace. we have been honored to tell you about their lives, lives well lived. their stories were all so beautifully unique but they were united by two truths. they all ended too soon and they each left behind an entire family or community for whom life would never be the same. for so many, the losses exacerbated by how our love ed ones died. in many cases alone or in the company of a devoted but exhausted nurse or doctor. many families have had to say good-bye forever on an ipad or a cell phone. the past year has been nothing short of a sweeping and historic american tragedy. so in a humble effort to honor those losses tonight we celebrate the lives of those we have lost and the families left behind. nbc's chris jansing starts us off. >> have a very, very great friday. >> bonnie would laugh if you called her a model but she was modeling the hand made lighted mask. she was selling masks to give away making 3,000 in all. a simple mission to protect others but in the end bonnie could not protect herself. >> i don't know that i've ever met anybody that didn't love bonnie. she is just a kind of person. she wasn't done doing her mission but someone else felt time for her. i got the vaccination on sunday and bonnie should have been there with me. she was this close. five weeks away from getting vaccinated. >> it's the devastating reality of covid-19. the funerals never held. the good-byes never said. the human touch never felt as they pass from this world, including susan braley, mother to seven adopted children, 300 foster kids, her florida home filled with love and laughter and lifer but in death without any of that family by her side. kayly dillard never got to hold her newborn baby morgan, dying of covid soon after givering birth. by late march 1,000 americans would be gone. by may, 100,000. many of them health care workers, especially nurses epa people of color. free da, a psychiatric nurse and mother of three was only 51. dr. butani worked in a texas pediatric clinic. >> she was just a really happy go luck we person. >> e.r. doctor died after terksing about worries of a lack of ppe. victims on the front lines of an escalating war. 250,000 americans gone by november. ♪♪ including veterans who had survived foreign wars, only to lose to this unseen enemy. like airman theodore who stayed active until coronavirus hit and then died just shy of his 101st birthday. rabbi was a holocaust survivor who saved 56 families' lives and coronavirus took him at 91. to endure such grief perhaps we rationalize but they were old, but they had preexisting conditions. in truth, but for covid they'd likely still be with us. to teach. to rescue dogs. simply to love. dick and shirley had just celebrated the 70th wedding anniversary when they died minutes apart. margaret and jimmy grew up together in georgia, eloped at 17 and stayed together for 6 decades. music lovers johnny and cathy of north carolina together since they were teenagers died on the same day in the same icu room holding hands. and so much promise cut short. >> i know he's watching of us now and probably dancing in heaven. ♪♪ >> towering bah ra tone antoine hodge on the stage in september. in february his extraordinary voice was silenced. >> hefs my best friend and hard to accept the reality that he won't be back. >> what would you want people to know about antoine? ahe was a pure, kind soul. >> he was just 38. ♪♪ we've learned the hard way that covid doesn't spare the young or even the very young. kimmy was a healthy, happy 9-year-old. 5-year-old skylar herbert was the only child of two first responders. >> we miss everything. just everything about her. >> 9-year-old j.j. was running around playing and then by the next morning he was gone. another was about to start fourth grade. and 13-year-old peyton from missouri, his mom little buddy. >> he was kind. he was funny. he was a jokester. >> how do you even begin to process this kind of loss? another 13-year-old named madeline started a memorial quilt, one square made with a piece of dress who was 13 when she was taken by covid. in california, carlos began folding cranes as a kind of therapy, thousands of them now suspended on copper wires. >> the origami grain is a symbol of carrying the soul into the heavens. these are representing the people we have lost and they're flying together. so they are not alone and we are not alone. >> and in a community garden in phoenix out of all this death comes life in the form of newly planted, providing a place to mourn, to contemplate and to celebrate life well lived. like these. ♪♪ >> we hope is true. live happily ever after. >> bonnie mccloud leaves five adoring grand chirp. to honor her memory, 16-year-old ali is making masks just like her nana taught her. what do you miss the most? >> hugs and time together. whenever we would hang out it would be our time. i look back now and i think of everything we got do do in the last months and because of the masks we were together when i would have been so busy doing other things but instead we got to be here together. >> a shared legacy woven of cloth and thread and love. >> those masks are a beautiful way for ali to remember her grandmother and these cranes, carly started to make them and then she got thousands of them from a teacher in north dakota, senior citizens in ohio, buddhist monks in tibette. it's such a powerful visual reminder of the renormty of what we have lost but also of people's desire to come together to deal with that staggering loss. if there was one crane for every american who died of covid, it would fill this space 42 times. and we don't have a handbook for how to deal with the enormity of that. so whether it's making a crane or making a mask or planting a tree or gist telling a story, it's important. it is a way for people to move forward. it is a way for them to have hope and to feel that they're not alone. >> chris, thank you. bless you. that was incredible. thank you so much for being a part of this with us and with me. i'm grateful. >> thank you. we have learned a lot about the power of human connection, both the isolation when we're forced to go without it and then re-establishing connections whenever we're hurting. a worst experience of the last year is endured by those with a loss of a loved one and grieve in the time of lockdown. martin addison was living a dream of being a loved dad to his 2-year-old daughter and 6-month-old son when he lost his battle with covid in april. his wife pamela remembers the laughter, martin singing to their kids, his silly pun competitions and things he did to make them feel special. pamela decided to create a facebook support group, young widows and widowers of covid-19. 450 strong. the group offers healing, a place for grief and remembrance and the comfort that someone is always there. pamela's efforts touched laura gara when it was her time to grieve. lara said she felt instant loneliness when her husband died on christmas eve at 33 years old. their daughter had just turned 1 days before. the group has given support and advice, they checked up on her frequently and helped her realize it's okay sometimes to not be okay. pamela addison and lara ga ra join us now. pamela, tell me about before the loss. tell me about your husband, father and husband. >> he was just so full of life and had such a presence to him that i just truly miss, like you saw in that video him rocking his two kids. that was his row row row your boat and loved doing that and laughter that elicited from my daughter is just, you know, it is empty now because he doesn't do that anymore. just seeing that smile on his face that lit up his eyes because he was just living his dream, he just loved being a daddy. he loved being a husband. he would just do anything and everything for all of us and i just totally miss that. he just brought laughter and fun into our lives and definitely missing in our life now. >> how are you? >> i mean, i still have my good and bad days. it's quite the loss. i never expected to be a widow at 36. and just going through trying to figure out life and the new me because definitely has changed my life drastically. so i feel like i have my good days and my bad days and creating this group definitely has given me a lot of joy and hope because i know i'm helping others. >> where did you find that in your darkness time to dig down and create something to help others? where did that come from? >> i was doing a lot of writing and one of my pieces got pub learned on new jersey.com and i decided i would share it with other people because i wanted my story to be told, because i wasn't hearing a lot about younger people dieing and because my husband was young i thought i want to share my story and once i posted it on to several different covid groups on facebook, i couldn't believe how many comments i got that said, oh my goodness, that was my story. i thought i was alone. so a week after i did that i decided i would start this group because i did not think it was okay for someone to feel alone like that. >> lara, that spoke to you and your husband rigo was young, too. tell us about him. >> he was my gentle giant. he was a caring and loving man. he had a great personality and everyone gravitated to him. he was funny, sarcastic. he had a large, beautiful smile and he always made sure to tell everyone how much he loved them at all times. he was just excited to be a father. he had 11 beautiful months with his daughter. he just loved singing to her and making funny noises. and just was so eager to teach her so many beautiful things. >> how's she doing? >> she's a ball of joy. she is so much like him. loving, caring, everyone gravitates towards her. she is just a happy baby right now. >> how are you doing, mama? >> i'm hanging in there. i'm trying every day. >> you both have talked about you, laura, watching through a window. you, pamela, mouthed i love you before your husband got in an ambulance. can i ask you both just to talk about being unable to say good-bye? laura? >> that moment was probably the hardest experience of my life. watching from a window outside of his room. thankfully i had that opportunity to go to the hospital. but watching him, ulter hopelessness and i couldn't do anything to save him. the doctors couldn't do anything anymore. and i just remember just tapping and hitting the window saying i'm sorry, i'm sorry they couldn't do anything. >> pamela -- and, pamela, this is the stark underbelly of grief, the last moments and you both so bravely shared them and what unites your group of 450 and growing. but you, too, had -- you had the final moment that you have shared, too, where you mouthed i love you. >> yeah. when he was coming down the steps of our house i was holding our son and i just mouthed i love you. not thinking that that was going to be the last time i saw him ever again. but i'm glad i had that moment because i did see him but for 26 days i didn't get to go to the hospital and hold his hand and that's all i wanted to do and i feel like that stolen good-bye is going to stick with me for the rest of my life because i wasn't there for him in his last moments. >> pamela, where in the process and in the sharing of the grief, where can people lift you up? what can people do? people want to help. what can people do? >> i feel like listen to us talk about what we're feeling. grief makes people uncomfortable but we need someone to listen and be there for us and i feel like that's the most valuable and not judging the grief saying, oh, i think you should be moving on but just listening and just not being judgmental. >> i think any opinions are squarely of both of you is heroes and i want to ask you the same question. what part of this, laura, can people on the outside do who can't imagine or fathom your grief? how can people sit with you? what can people do? >> it's a hard thing to answer because sometimes i just recognize that i have to get through every day. i think the biggest thing people did for me was to help me without asking me can i help you? they just did it. it took a lot to let others in and let them help and listening without judging and without making it about you sometimes is really helpful. >> i am in awe of you both. i'm so sorry for your loss and so grateful for letting us in and takes extraordinary courage and i thank you both for us. thank you so much. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> thank you both so much. we're going to remember all of our stories and everyone that we get to talk to and i hope it's clear they take a step of faith spending time with us. on the other side of a quick break we are going to be joined by senator elizabeth warren talking about her personal loss and her hope for the future. we'll be right back. not all plastic is the same. we're carefully designing our bottles to be one hundred by senator elizabeth warren dad, it's a video call. hold the phone in front of you. how's that? 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(laughing) (trumpet playing) someone behind me, come on. pick that up, pick that up, right there, right there. as long as you keep making the internet an amazing place to be, we'll keep bringing you a faster, more secure, and more amazing internet. xfinity. the future of awesome. ♪♪ that was 28-year-old demi bannister, a south carolina teacher. so full of life whose own life was beginning when covid-19 stole it away in september. tonight we also remember don reed herring who died last april at 86. he was braver, served 21 years in the air force. faced combat in vietnam. faced covid alone without his family to hold his hand or say i love you in person one last time. joining us now, don's sister who happens to be senator elizabeth warren. senator, thank you so much for spending some time with us. i remember reading everything that you tweeted and shared but i wonder if we could just remember your brother first. what was he like? >> so my first memory of my brother is when i was 3 years old and he was 19, and we'd driven to oklahoma city. my mother and i had driven him up there and he wassed offer to the air force. he was dashing. he was handsome and he was ready for an adventure. and he was always somebody who was just out on the front edge. he flew b-52s for 20 years. spent often and on six years in vietnam. he was -- he loved the fly and he loved his family. i didn't have any sisters. i just had the three brothers and he married when i was about 6, he married nancy and she was this dark-haired, had great petticoats and wonderful shoes and fabulous cloets and she used to give me things. that had been hers that she had worn. they were -- they were everything and had these two adorable little boys. i spent summers with them in austin, texas. i'd take the two little boys and hang out in the swimming pool all afternoon while don reed was out flying planes and nancy was keeping everything going at home. they had it all. and then, and then nancy died when -- shortly after don reed retired from the air force. and he was with two boys. and then, the boys grew up. he lost a lot of his smile then but he was tough. and eventually he found a woman who'd been married before, as well, and they were fris to each other, good to each other and took care of each other. they were a good pair and mostly what i did is we'd get together when i go back to oklahoma city and my brother john and brother david and bruce would come along, my husband sometimes, and don reed, the three boys would tell stories about what kids they had been and laughed and talk about our folks and he was a good man. hefsz a good man. we didn't agree on everything. he was a cranky republican. it was true. >> i know a few. >> you do. but we, no matter how much we disagreed, we ended every phone conversation with, he'd say, i love you, sis. i'd say, i love you, too, brother. and then he got sick. and this was in early 2020. he got pneumonia. and he went to the hospital. judy got him to the hospital. and they wanted to put him in the hospital and then he started to get better but he was weak because he was lying down for a long time and the question was, remember, this is february 2020. we don't know what's around the corner. and he -- he was sick but he was getting much better and he was time to be discharged from the hospital and the doctor said, go to a rehab center, a couple weeks, get the strength back. he wanted to go home. he wanted to go home and be with judy. he wanted to go home. and i urged him to go to the rehab center. i wanted him to be strong. i didn't want a chance that he would fall or hurt himself. so he went to the rehab center and did the work and ready to come home and now into march and april and he is ready. and we had it all set up. going home on a thursday. my brother david's going to pick him up. we're good. and i talked to him, i'm talking to him pretty much every day, every day, twice a day. and so he said, they tested me and he said, they said i tested for covid. he said, but i feel firn. he said, it's ridiculous. so i said, okay. he kept saying -- every day i call him. now i'm anxious. every day he'd say, nothing. i'm fine. i'm good. and finally after day after day after day of this, it was going good. everything is great. and he said did doctor came by and he said the doctor said i'm too tough. maybe i had it before and maybe that's why i tested positive. he said, i might be over this. and then, i called one morning and he wasn't there. and it turned out in the night he'd been taken to the hospital. and i never got to talk to him again and neither did his wife or his two boys. or my brothers. we got what we could through the nurses and god bless them but they were stretched to the edges and so we just get like these -- like a telegram that would just come in and say he is better and then he's worse. not going to make it through the night. next day he's better. and then he took a turn for the worst and they called us and told us he was gone. and nobody was with him. not -- not any of us. and i -- i don't know how he died. i don't know -- i don't know if he was cold or if he was thirsty. all i know is i couldn't be there to tell him how much i loved him and neither can the rest of our family and that's hard. >> president biden has said that there comes a point where these memories make you smile before they make you cry. do you see that moment coming soon for you? >> i do. i have a lot of good years with my brother and he had a lot of good years. and that's the part my other brothers, don reed's wife i judy and the boys and i, those are the parts we talk about. because, because that's what it means to keep someone alive. no, i can't talk to him on the phone but he'll always be there in my heart, always. >> do you think people appreciate that this still happens every day? that the person that someone loves as much as you obviously love your brother, people are still dying alone every day? >> i think that we just don't realize the magnitude of what has already happened. and what is continuing to unfold. yes, i'm optimistic we have vaccines and we are moving forward. more than 1,800 people died -- >> yesterday. >> yesterday. >> yeah. >> one day. that's hundreds of families. just like ours who didn't get to hold a hand, who didn't get to -- didn't get to do one more time of i love you. >> i asked two women who lost their husbands and i'll ask you the same thing and you're known as one of the toughest people in american politics but there's no toughness that protects you from grief. what can people on the outside do? >> partly i've heard the two women you talked with earlier and i think they were exactly right. just listen. hear the stories. we're all having to learn a new way to grieve. i would have been there with my brother but i also would have been there with the rest of my family when we lost my brother. so we'd have all the chances to tell the stories and find a place to settle in our hearts. that's part of what covid has stolen from us. and so, i think all of us, we need each other more than ever and they may be people -- people we're not ordinarily really close to but we need our friends, we need our aakant tanss, we need people to say my heart hurts, too, because as a people, as a nation, as a giant community, we have to find a way to deal with this loss, to settle it in our hearts and in our minds. and be able to build tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the only way we're going to do that is together. >> well, i cannot thank you enough for telling us about your brother, for telling us about what it's been like. i think you went a long way do giving a lot of voice to what so many people are going through so thank you so much. thank you so much for being part of this. >> thank you. thank you for doing this. it is a good thing. >> thank you so much. thank you. my goal is trying to get through the hour without crying. just about derailed. up next for us, bringing a community together after covid pulled it apart. >> whether i look back on my life, what am i most proud of? wow. it's a hard question. i'm most proud that i have three children and they all have grown up to be good people. and -- and i think that's what i'm most proud of. i think the sketchy website i bought this turtle from stole all of my info. ooh, have you looked on the bright side? discover never holds you responsible for unauthorized purchases on your card. 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(giggling) guy fieri! my turtle. ya know, if you wanna make that sandwich the real deal, ya gotta focus on the bread layers. king's hawaiian sliced bread makes everything better! ♪ (angelic choir) ♪ and here's mine! there will be days when everything is going your way and there will be days when you just feel happy but the people around you might be happy, but when you see that, don't ignore that. help them, listen to them and be good to them. it only takes a small act to brighten someone else's day. thank you for listening. >> that's braden wilson of california. braden passed away at 15 from a rare covid-19 complications. braden's family launched a scholarship in his name to help other teenagers pursue their passions for the arts and technology. mark hall was a first new orleans police officer to die of krirn. despite the sudden and tragic loss his son mark hall jr. stayed the course and garage waited from the police academy a few weeks after his father's death and when he was sworn in as a police officer for the new orleans pd he got badge 1786, happened the same as his dad. and we remember larry edwards a member of our family, an audio technician who worked for nbc news more than 25 years all over the world, sometimes in some of the most dangerous places. larry was known by the people fortunate enough to get to work with him as the one guy who always, always had your back and lucky to be joined by reverend lirn walker in boston. take me to church. what do we do with all this grief? what do we do other than name it and talk about it? >> i have to say, first of all, thank you for having me. you have had had church. that's what this hour has been and really powerful and really important. we have to grieve. you can't just ignore pain. we at roxbury presbyterian church worked on a trauma program focused on violence and letting people deal with that -- the aftermath of that and what we have discovered is tra mattic grief, grief that we are going through right now in this country is nothing that's going to be dealt with with closure. it is not just going to fade away. this kind of grief remains for a long time and so when you say we just named it, that's exactly the important thing. we name it. you've named people. you've let us hear stories. we have cried with you. we have cried with these people who are grieving. that has to happen. that is what pulls us together in grief but it also makes us stronger. so hear senator warren share her story about her family and her brother, to hear her be so human and, of course, we know she is but to hear her in this vulnerable moment is so important for all of us and if we don't grieve i think we will have hell to pay and i mean that quite literally so you are having church this hour and i'm humble to be part of your service. >> say more about grief and vulnerability because it seems like the most vulnerable thing to do is to allow ourselves to grieve but in my line of work the news is scary and you want to put the shell up and protect yourself. how do those two things coexist? >> of course we do want to protect ourself but the idea of loss, of this deep, deep loss and this has been just extraordinary this last year, and we have been kind of disconnected from it just as we're disconnected from each other so this extraordinary loss, this wound deep down in all our souls because we don't know how to get through something like this, just to ignore that and push it down is, you know, you think you're doing the right thing, think you' being strong or getting over it but what you're doing is suppressing a wound and wounds have to have some point air and light. and so, by talking about it, by crying, by emoting, by wailing, you are dealing with it, confronting it and that's the only way to heal and i think that this country has not done that. you know? so 500,000 plus deaths? 1,800 people died tra mat cli not natural, not natural in the sense that we expected it and it was all -- this is the most traumatic thing i have ever seen in my lifetime. you have to be allowed to say that. to name that. so that's what you're doing and a part of it but this is not resolved in one night. it is going to take sometime. it is going to take more ritual. it is going to take more sharing of stories. and this is -- this is important what you're doing tonight. >> thank you so much. hearing that from you and thinking that we finally have a leader who made the rituals part of the presidency and had two services so far and seems like the ervetd you are speaking to. givering it a voice and a ritual. >> absolutely. because he's gone through his own personal grief and done that in a public way he is just the right man for the right time. there's more to being a president than that but in this moment this is what has to happen so i don't want to keep harping on it but we have to share this pain. it belongs to all of us and that's what is -- has not been happening and that's what has to begin now and has to continue. >> if it has to continue we'll continue to call on you. reverend liz walker, thank you so much for being a part of this. >> thank you. so do you all remember -- i know in new york i do, when everyone used to stop and cheer for the front line health care workers. everybody stopped, rolled up the windows and cheered. we don't do that anymore. we stopped but they didn't. when we come back, a tribute to some american heroes. that's what i want to tell you all. don't let the bullies keep you from getting where you need to go get done what you need to get done. what you are sign, the opportunities you have been given. don't let anybody feel like you have to take down or be less than because they don't have the gifts you have. >> good advice there from pastor fred thomas who had his ministry and a career in comedy. tonight we are thinking about his wife desiree. the burden of battling the pandemic has fallen hardest on front line health care workers. >> it's hard. hard to think that some of your patients that you diagnosed today might not be here tomorrow when you come back to the shift. >> i would much rather be at a preds game or titans game or see my friends but i'm not. i'm here instead and most days holding hands of patients as their loved ones say good-bye from outside a door or from over the phone. >> speaking for all of us, we're tired. but we get up and we still do this every day. that we're supposed to be here. we come in here. we get our assignments. take a couple breaths and do what we need to do. and we go. we do what we have to. >> carolyn booker is a nurse for 40 years. she thought she had seen it all but that was before covid. how are you guys doing? as everyone. we are trying our best to recover now. >> do you feel like we had enough of a window into the toll that this took on nurses and doctors inside hospitals when these surges really hit? >> i don't think that there is a way to really have that type of a window. as we're talking to the families of patients who died, definitely the people who were there, who were at the bedside, it's taken a tremendous toll on them. >> there has never been such a period where even in the end when all medical interventions have come up short, the actual moment where a patient dies is one the nurse has to shepherd that person through to the other side. can you talk about that? >> well, i tell you in our hospital, we have been blessed with palliative care physicians and nurse practitioners who have helped us tremendously, and they also serve to help families and patients as they make decisions about the end of life. those individuals were instrumental in helping us to ensure that patients and their families knew that we were there for them. >> carolyn, what is the way that people can sort of pay back what front line health care workers have given to the whole country this year? >> i would say that if people could just follow the science, follow the science, because it works. those of us that are coming into the hospital on a daily basis, those who are facing and caring for covid patients are at highest risk. however, they are in protective equipment, masks, gowns, gloves. outside of the hospital, for people in the community, masking is so important. social distancing is so important. those are the things that they can do to help us help them. >> do you feel that the science is telling a story that the horizon is here, that this is almost over, that with vaccinations we will return to some version of pre-corona normal? >> i think that it is giving us a window into what can be. we, though, have to continue to be vigilant. we have to continue to be supportive of one another. at our hospital, we have a motto. team work makes the dream work, and that is so true in the era of covid-19. >> carolyn, booker, you are something of a local legend there. we are wishing that we could thank every single person like you in every single hospital in every single city and every single state. we can't do that, but just from all of us who have had the privilege of covering the pandemic over the last year, there is just story after story after story of the super human contributions of folks like yourself, so thank you. thank you for spending time with us tonight, and thank you for everything that you've done. >> thank you for having me. >> thank you. rachel maddow joins us after a very quick break. first though, saluting our amazing front line heroes. ♪♪ number 360 smart bed it's the most comfortable, dually-adjustable, foot-warming, temperature-balancing, proven quality night sleep we've ever made the new sleep number 360 smart bed, from $999. plus, 0% interest for 48 months on all smart beds. only for a limited time advil dual action fights pain 2 ways. it's the first and only fda approved combination of advil plus acetaminophen. advil targets pain. acetaminophen blocks it. advil dual action. fast pain relief that lasts 8 hours. ♪ over 10 years ago, we made a promise to redefine everything a truck can be. ♪ and while we've made good on that promise by winning back to back to back motor trend truck of the year awards, the work is never done. ♪ welcome to the place where the aroma of authenticity the work is never done. turns into the scent of home. where cacique inspires you to add your own flair. and the warmth of friends and family is in every bite. cacique. your auténtico awaits. welcome to the place where the aroma of authenticity turns into the scent of home. where cacique inspires you to add your own flair. and the warmth of friends and family is in every bite. cacique. your auténtico awaits. the lincoln memorial tonight back in january, the night before joe biden's inauguration, that was the backdrop for what was the nation's first real memorial for the lives lost in this pandemic. the deaths continue to mount. 130,000 more people have died since that day, nearly two months ago, and tomorrow night live from the lincoln memorial our friend chris hayes will host a special "all in america: the year we meet again" a look at when life may finally get back to normal. we'll hear from president biden tomorrow night, his first prime time address to the nation. that's at 8:00 p.m. eastern. president biden is sure to stress the importance tomorrow night of remaining vigilant, if not for ourselves, then for the people or for the person you love most in this world. it's a message that will sound familiar to viewers of the rachel maddow show because we heard it from her when her partner susan became ill will covid last fall. >> what you need to know is that whoever is the most important person in your life, whoever you most love and most care for and most cherish in the world, that's the person who you may lose or who you may spend weeks up all night freaking out about and calling doctors all over and over and over again all night long trying to figure out how to keep that person breathing and out of the hospital. >> we are so lucky to be joined now by my friend and colleague rachel maddow. i still play that moment and remember that moment as a reminder to not let down my guard and i think that's around the time i started wearing two masks and just feeling so grateful that susan was okay and you were okay, and how are you guys doing now? >> it's, you know, it is really hard for me to see that even now. i have not gone back and watched that. let me just say, nicole, that this has been such a public service what you are doing this hour. we do not have the language and the -- we don't have the vocabulary to talk about this level of loss, and you are trying to give us that, and it is so valuable and so powerful and so important, and i don't know how else we could have done it other than by what -- the way that you are pushing this tonight. this hour is, i think, the most important thing that we've done on this network in months if not years. and so i mean, you're asking me about me and susan, we're fine. we're okay. she's definitely on the other side of this, and i'm so grateful, but you know, we all have to use the power that we've got and the platform that we've got and the trust that people have in us to try to do the most good and you are doing a lot of that right now, so thank you for doing this. >> i made it like 59 minutes without crying. you threatened to derail that as did senator warren, and i think that when you talk to -- >> oh, god, yeah. >> -- people who are just known for their toughness, they tell a story that is the universal story of loss. i mean 520,000 people have families that are exponentially larger than that number of people that have lost their lives, and they all have that story of grief that she told. i mean, there's this universality of grief, and it's so big. it's so many people grieving that i think it's just important to keep them in mind as we race toward all the science. the science is taking us to vaccination school, and we're going from armchair epidemiologists to armchair vaccine experts, but there are still so many people dealing with such big loss, so thank you. >> yes, and it's -- but you know, nicole, i think that to focus on not only the people that we have lost but to acknowledge that it's okay to not let them go. there isn't closure when you've lost somebody. your families are never the same. your grief is never over, and it's not a failure on your part to continue to grieve and to continue to feel overwhelmed by the loss, and that's just -- it's an adult way to approach it, but it's something that we need to face collectively as a country, but we also just need to have so much heart and so much respect for all the families, for the half million plus american families who will never ever, ever be the same. it's just we -- it's a form of maturity to be real about those permanent losses. >> it is, and it's something we're still learning to talk about. thank you for ducking in and

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