Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20171116

laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trumps twitter tear. Plus stephen welcomes jordan peele alia shawkat and comedian paul mecurio. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hey how are you . Thank you, joe thank you, louis. Thank you, matty. Whats going on . Pleads, have a seat, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause well, folks, donald trump is back in the u. S. A. , and he went on tv today to brag about how great his asia trip was. And it turns out it wasnt just attention he was thirsty for. Japanese companies have announced investments in the United States worth more than 8 billion, 17,000 jobs. They dont have water . Thats okay. laughter what . Thats okay. Oh. laughter stephen wow. That is hard to watch. laughter you know that, after watching that, i need a drink. Where is the where is the they dont have it. They dont have it. Thats thats okay. Thats good. What that . Okay, they got that. They got this. laughter cheers and applause all right, thats not fair, okay. Everybody gets dry mouth. I cant stand here on National Television and make fun of a politician for drinking water. That is childish, and trump already did it way better with rubio. Hes like this and we will huh, huh i need water help me i need water help and hes this is on Live Television this total choke artist laughter unbelievable stephen unbelievable that you are the president. cheers and applause unbelievable after 12 days in asia, hes in the white house and hard at work watching tv and tweeting about it. Dot foxandfriends will be showing much of our successful trip to asia, and the friendships and benefits that will endure for years to come oh, friendships and benefits . laughter that meeting with putin did go well. And while trump loves promoting fox news, he gave equal time to other networks. While in the philippines, i was forced to watch cnn, which i have not done in months, and again realized how bad and fake it is. Loser oh, baby, hes back, and hes playing the hits. Do do do muslim ban. Do build the wall do lock her up lock her up lock her up i dont want to put that back in my pocket now. And trump didnt attack just tv. The failing nytimes hates the fact that i have developed a great relationship with World Leaders like xi jinping, president of china, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Hey, the dots are back i missed you little guys youre the only part of trumps tweets that arent lies. cheers and applause jon oh, wow dot, dot. He continued, dot, dot, dot, they should realize that these relationships are a good thing, not a bad thing. The u. S. Is being respected again. Watch trade watch trade hear commerce smell business but trump did accomplish one thing while he was in asia. See, while they were on tour in china, three players on the u. C. L. A. Mens Basketball Team were arrested for stealing sunglasses from a Louis Vuitton store. Oh, come on you dont steal Louis Vuitton. You just buy a knockoff. Im pretty sure china has a chinatown. Somebody downtown beijing where all the Chinese People live. Wherever the Chinese People live over there, youll find it. During his visit, trump talked to xi, and yesterday we learned that the u. C. L. A. Basketball players were released and flew home from china. So, job well done. You gotta give it to him. Then the president moved on to more pressing matters in international relations, like deescalating the Nuclear Standoff with north korea. Im just kidding. laughter he tweeted, do you think the three u. C. L. A. Basketball players will say thank you President Trump . They were headed for ten years in jail yes, where is the gratitude . It reminds me of lincoln in the emancipation proclamation when he said, the slaves are now free. Youre welcome would it kill you to send an edible arrangement . laughter applause come on. cheers and applause . Jon i dont know about that. Stephen heres something, speaking of politics. Theres an update to the story of Alabama Senate candidate and guy who just cant believe it took this long to get caught, roy moore. For those of you who dont know or blocked it out or blacked out, roy moore was accused of Sexual Misconduct with a minor, one who said he assaulted her when she was just 14. Many republican lawmakers have denounced moore, but many stand by their man. Like alabama congressman and man who could not be identified in a lineup of one, mo brooks was asked by a reporter yesterday if he believed roy moores accusers, and brooks looked that reporter in the eye and then ran away. Do you believe roy moore over the women . I believe democrats will do great damage to our country. So you still believe roy moore . I believe democrats will do great harm to our country on a myriad of issues. Stephen running away from your problems in a downward spiral . I think weve got a new republican metaphor. cheers and applause but mo brooks isnt the only one who believes in roy moore, and his supporters are pulling a few dirty tricks, including a curious new robocall seeking damaging information on moore. Now, the robocall isnt actually looking for dirt on moore. It is a fake message designed to discredit the Washington Post, who broke the story, and make the listener think the accusations are just part of a conspiracy, because the recording is well, lets say its not prosemitic. Take a listen. Stephen come on a jewish journalist part of a media conspiracy. The only worse stereotype would be a family values southern evangelical who turns out to be a secret perv. cheers and applause now, the Washington Post released a Statement Today released a Statement Today, responding to this call,ization youre shocked . You know its 2017, right . Antisemitic robocalls are pretty much par for the course. And this is the by the way, antisemitic robocall was the worst robocop sequel. And im being told weve obtained a recording of a second alabama robocall that really ups the ante. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Jordan peele is here. But, when we return, People Magazines got a new sexiest man alive, and ive got some issues with it. Stick around all smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. Hello moto. Can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. And they might be bragging about portrait mode. But can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera . 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You know it i knew i could count on you family time, like only google can. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human right there making it happen night after night. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, you know, i try to keep up on the news. And, you know, i look at the websites. I read the newspapers. I watch the tv. And, obviously, i read People Magazine. And last night, People Magazine debuted their sexiest man alive, and its Blake Shelton what . What . What really . Do i have that right . About i miss something . Is Matthew Mcconaughey dead . He can repeat. Its been since 2005 since matthew was on the cover. Theres your scandal right now. Somebody please check on him. I want to make sure hes okay. I dont understand this. No offense to blake. Hes a solid seven, nothing to be ashamed of there. But sexiest man alive . More like the sexiest man at the home depot. And thats if its not a saturday. Okay. And sexy men, we sexy men if i may. cheers and applause and i think its my show. I think i may. Jon you got it, you got it sexy men have such a deep bench right now, we dont need to go straight to the guy from the voice whos not adam levine. Weve got idris elba. Weve got liam neeson. Liam is, like, 90 now. Hell, if youre three appletinis in and he promises not to talk about ayn rand, weve even got paul ryan, for petes sake. Oh, listen, youve never been alone with him. Listen, i know things have changed a lot in the past year up is down, down is up. Theres candycornflavored oreos. It might seem like there are no standards anymore, but sexy is still sexy, dammit now, listen, blake, i like you. Actually, i dont know anything about you. Youre a judge on that singing show not the first one, the other one. But im taking a stand. A line in the sand right now. I do not recognize Blake Shelton as our crowned sexiness king. He may have won the sexiness electoral college, but not the sexy popular vote. cheers and applause okay . We talking about the popular vote stephen no this is importantment . I have to take a stand. Theyre over there theyre going to try to cut this out of the show tonight i walk so, as far as im concerned, we now live in a leaderless sexy republic. Its complete sexy anarchy which actually sounds pretty hot. laughter is it im sorry listen, i know im going to upset some people with this, and i dont want to upset anybody, and i have been going on for a while here. But for male sexiness, there is no greater honor than People Magazines sexiest man alive, except maybe for gqs man of the year. cheers and applause what what is this . Wait what just happened . Audience Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen cheers and applause stephen i dont know who asked the Props Department to put this out here. And im being told that i did. Well, that sounds like me bad hombre of the year right there. See that. Bad hombre of the year. There it is. More on that later. You know, its been a long over here . Where are am i talking . Over here . Its been a long, sexy year since trump won the election, and in that time, hes not done a lot. Hes failed to pass a health care plan. Hes failed to build a wall. But one thing trump has been pretty good at is appointing judges. So far, hes placed 13 judges, with another 46 awaiting confirmation, which is more than twice as many as obama had at this point in his presidency. Makes sense that trump would appoint as many judges as he can. Odds are, hes going to appear before one of them sooner or later. laughter so, who exactly cheers and applause who exactly are trumps judicial nominees . Well, theyre not just white men, okay. Some of them happen to be white men who are unqualified and insane. laughter id like to profile one of them in my new segment Stephen Colberts bench warmers. Tonights bench warmer Justice Department advisor and escapee from the day room, brett talley. Trump just appointed talley to serve as a district judge in alabama. Now, hes not the most obvious choice to be a federal judge, seeing as how he has practiced law for less than three years and has never tried a case, which is perfect you dont want some uptight judge whos prejudiced by all his experience in the courtroom. Just like getting some knowitall surgeon who can name every organ. Big deal. But what do the experts say . Well, when considering his nomination, the American Bar Association gave talley a rare not qualified rating. Jokes on you, American Bar Association in the trump administration, not qualified is the new black. laughter but talleys nomination is now getting a lot of scrutiny because it turns out he is married to a white house lawyer, a fact talley didnt disclose in his questionnaires submitted to the senate. So talley is still waiting to be confirmed, which gives him time to focus on his other job. Horror novelists. He is the author of guh, its alive and theres more, because talley is also a ghost hunter. According to a recent profile of talley, he and his fellow ghost enthusiasts would explore Old Plantation homes or abandoned insane asylums to search for signs of the supernatural. Oh, good. Maybe he can explain that spinning sound coming from abraham lincolns grave. Well, thats it for Stephen Colberts bench warmers. Join me next time when we profile trumps next judicial nominee carl, the owner of a paintball course where helmets are optional. For the record, carl has lots of courtroom experience. Well be right back with jordan peele. And every year, we split it equally. Except for one of us. I write them a poem instead. And one for each of you too. Thats actually yours. That one. Yeah. Regardless, were stuck with the bill. To many, words are the most valuable currency. 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A can of cranberry sauce . Get everyday essentials, priced right daily. Target run done. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. My first guest starred in the hit tv show key peele and directed the smash hit movie, get out. How do you feel now . I cant move. Youre paralyzed . Now sink into the floor. Wait, wait, wait sink. Stephen please welcome jordan peele cheers and applause stephen hey. Nice to see you again. Did you tell them to stand . Stephen no, we didnt say anything. Thats not a thing . Stephen thats not a thing. Yeah thank you cheers and applause . Stephen you just got a standing ovation. Yeah. Well, nice to see you again. Havent seen you since we shot a little piece for the super bowl show two years ago. We did. Stephen and while we were shooting that you were telling me about this movie you were working on. Right. Stephen and i said, what is it about . And you said, its kind of crazy to explain. Its hard to explain. Stephen he said its called get out and you told me what the movie was about. And i said i will do see it. You made your debut with get out, highest grossing debut film based on original screenplay ever. Congratulations. cheers and applause its inflation. Its inflation. Stephen no, no, highest ever. Did you gettier beak wet on that one . Disome cocaine on set. Stephen oh, good. Thats exactly what i meant. Thats exactly what i meant. You did not get my beak wet. Stephen you did not get your beak wet on this one . No. Stephen let me rep you next time. Fair enough. Stephen its got 99 on Rotten Tomatoes which is nearly unheard of. But i have to ask what who is the 1 who went, im out. Racism is. Stephen racism gets to review things now . Racism has a column, and reviews things, and is responsible for that 1 . Stephen oh, wow. But, yeah, look, im just im happy to get that humble 99. Stephen yeah. Youll get them next time, man. Ill get them next time. Im hoping for that one donut, donut next time. Stephen whats the one donut, donut . One donut, donut. Stephen the one donut, donut. Its 100. Stephen oh, one donut, donut. I apologize. I didnt know. I didnt know. Its a black thing. Thats its an urban stephen thats not a black thing. It is. Stephen thats a black thing . Yeah stephen thats why i didnt know. Spoiler alert not black. I know i seem super woke at times. I can imagine you mistaking me for black. I thought you were in white face when i came out here. Stephen no, i dont play like that. Good, thats not 2017. Stephen now, i understand youve submitted this to the Golden Globes as a comedy. I i submitted it as a documentary. laughter i didnt know you know, it was it was submitted. And i stephen it was submitted . It was submitted. It was stephen dont use the passive tense. Youre a better writer than that. It had been submitted. I tonight know what happened. Stephen it will have been submitted . I thought heres the thing. Stephen yes. You had nothing to do with the movie, is what i understand at this point. The movie is truth. The thing that resonated to people is truth. So i think for me, its more of, like, a historical biopic. Stephen okay. The original title was get out the kanye west story. But i had to lop off the end. Stephen is the title a reference to the Richard Pryor joke . Yeah, a little bit. Stephen do you mind telling the people the joke. I dont know if its pryor or eddie murphy i think the one you are references is the amtiveal horror. If the black person was the protagonist of a horror movie it would be a very short movie. And at this point im going to get a prior laugh. So thats weird. But, yeah, the bit was the black family comes into a Haunted House i think its eddie murphy these grapes draips are great. Get out too bad we cant stay, baby. Its not my bit. Its not my bit. But, yeah, it was like what happens when you let a black person be the protagonist in a horror movie, and it turns out you have a movie that has a a protagonist that is aware that horror is going down. laughter theres no walking backwards into a dark room in this movie. applause stephen now, i mean, it is a funny movie, but its also a scary movie. Did you do you do do white audiences and black audiences get frightened by this movie in the same way . Do they experience the horror in the same way . No, i dont think so. I mean, i think black people, you know, its like the second the movie comes up, and, like are the protagonist is dating a white girl. They go, oh, hes in trouble. I dont like where this is going hes in an interracial relationship. Get out, brother. Stephen uhhuh. White audience goes, thats very progressive. Thats very progressive. Yeah, thats cool. Its not until later in the movie that white people get freaked out. Theyre like, oh, my god. I think ive said that. I think i said that thing that the villains are saying in this movie. So its a very different thing. And it is, you know, the whole it doesnt fit into a genre. You know, it sort of subverts the idea of genre. But it is the kind of movie that, like, black people can laugh at, but white people not so much. Stephen a little bit. A little bit. You laughed a little bit. Stephen not as much as probable you do. No, no. Stephen people are writing papers about this movie. Kids in college are writing paper. There are College Courses stephen whole courses . Yes there is a black core course stephen okay. What do you mean okay . Stephen when you said, there are whole courses . And i said on this movie. And you said black horror movies. This is the one. Stephen there is no other black horror. Basically no. There is people under the stairs. Theres candy man, night of the living dead there are a couple. Stephen night of the living dead, there is only one black guy. Its not black horror. Hes the man. Stephen hes the reasonable character in it. Yeah. Stephen hes the reasonable character in it. In night of the ligdead, he is the guy who is ready to fight zombies because hes been fighting white people off his whole life. applause stephen no no no okay. Okay. Okay . Stephen so, i understand you went to one of these classes. Yes. So i stephen did they know you were there . So i went in with a hood. Like, they were playing the movie u. C. L. A. , they were playing a clip from the movie. And i kind of snuck in. I was in the hood. And then at some point, you know, the teacher said, what do you think the director was thinking when. . And i just raised my hand and i was like, i have an opinion on that matter. And they turn it was like it was, like, the best welcoming i ever had. They went crazy. Stephen wow. I got eye got in front of him them, i was like teaching the lecture, and they started saying things, raising their hands saying, lets talk about the system that allowed this type of oppression was that what you meant . Like some really smart things. Stephen thats exciting. I had to be like, yeah. Thats. What i meant when i did that. Stephen was this the movie you intended from the beginning or did it sort of like change in the creation . No. It was the movie. This is the movie this is the movie i wanted to make. I wanted to make a movie that was for a very loyal black horror fan base that we go to see horror movies, and we you know, we dont get represented. And this was the movie i felt like black people were waiting for. And im thrilled that everybody enjoys it. But to be honest, it was it was it was my Favorite Movie that i had never seen. Stephen well, congratulations. Thank you, stephen. Stephen get out is available now on dvd. Jordan peele, everybody well be right back with alia shawkat. For those who know what theyre really building. Always unstoppable. Well, well, well youuuu ue topped steak twisted potatoes at applebees. Eatin good in the neighborhood. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. You know my next guest as maeby from arrested development. She now stars in search party. Please welcome, alia shawkat. applause stephen hello. Hi. Stephen nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. Stephen i feel like i know you a little bit because ive been watching your shows for years. Cool. Stephen arrested development incredible show. That sort of was prescient about trump. Sadly, yes. Stephen it was trumping before anybody else. Except we got an emmy, yup. laughter there you go. applause ill see you guys later. Stephen theyre a narcissistic family that are, like, incompetent real estate developers. Exactly, yeah. Theres we just finished. Stephen when do we get to see that . Somewhere in the future. Stephen okay. Yeah. Stephen thats good to know. Is there anything you can tell me about season 5. Does it increase its trumpiness, or anything like that . It does. I know that some reworking of the write had gone to happen after he was elected, because it was kind of shocking for a lot of people. And i think there was a moment like, wait, what . Hold up. We have to do stephen they have to know the trumps. They have to have crossed over. I think theyre very close. Stephen do they get any of their money from the russians . No, china is definitely a theme. And the wall is definitely still being attempted to be built. Stephen if a season we were trying to build a song. It was terrifying. I guess incent and trying to sell bananas would be the next thing to come out of the white house but i feel like that wouldnt be as shocking. Stephen you have been sort of fixateated on donald trump, n before that. Because youre a very gifted artist. Thank you so much. Stephen i love these. When did you do these before i show them to people . You know, i did them, like, six years ago. I was obsessed with him and just kept drawing his face. Stephen this is a really fantastic donald trump. Six years ago. applause . Hes got nice nipple s. Stephen yes. Hes got a lovely set of man breasts down there. A couple of high, hard ones. And then this one is actually so this one now, this one, is this also from, like, six years ago . Yes. Stephen this is the trump we think of as on the campaign. Yeah, with the long tie and the yeah. Stephen so what was, like applause what was the process like . How did you get started with him . And, like, what what do you work with first . Is it the body . Is it the face . I heard you were a fan of ralph stedman. I love stedman. I have a signed stedman upstairs. He is my favorite artist, and i have ink, and splots come out when youre not ready for them and you have to make a face around them. I was obsessed with the nature of his skin and, like, how everything seemed to be like a balloon shooting out of it. So i was just drawing he was luke perfect for this kind of sketchy, angry, inkbased drawings. Stephen he does look hastily put together. He really does, yeah. laughter and all the, like, the way i was drawing with the ink, like the hair just came out, you know, with within swoop. And i was like, well, there it is. It was really easy. Stephen you have been acting since you were nine years old. Yes, very true. Stephen and you seem like a very grounded person. Thank you. Stephen fairly health you. How did you navigate, like, a childhood in hollywood without spinning off . I know. It seems like thats more the surprising question now. People are like, how are you okay . You know, its mainly my family looking back on it, who hopefully are watching this program. Stephen mom and dad take care of you. And two brothers. I grew up in, like, palm springs. So i never lived in l. A. Until i was a formally formed adult. Stephen your folks were not in show business . They are not, no. My father and mother opened up a strip club in cathedral city. Stephen they must not have let you in when you were a child. I was not allowed in until i was 29, even though they owned it my whole life and paid for private school and dinner. Stephen wow, and dinner, both. Always had dinner. Stephen go to school and eat at the same time. I lived a very privileged life. Stephen the new show youre doing is it season two now . Season two. Stephen of search party. What is it about . Its kind of a noir mystery show. The first season is about a girl kind of looking for himself and obsessed with a missing friend she didnt know that well. Stephen shes looking for herself and then starts looking for someone jeels yes, but in it, shes finding herself kind of in a comedic, beautiful way. Stephen we have a clip right here. Can you explain it to me . I dont know what clip it is. Stephen oh, good. Neither do i. Lets discover it together. Jim. Hey, dorra, im going to come in, okay . Are you okay in here . Yeah, good, good, good, good. I just have to sit for a minute. Help me. Help me. Like, i dont know what to do. What do we do . Shhh so, he wants to take us all out to dinner. So were going to go to dinner. There you go. Stephen thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Stephen season two of search Party Premieres sunday on tbs. Alia shawkat, everybody well be right back with standup comedy from paul mecurio. Can your phone get loud . Hello moto. Why stay trapped in your ear buds when you can turn it up with alexa . Alexa, blast my music. alexa playing your music. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Smart speaker with amazon alexa available now on the moto z2. You know how you dont talk like this play the peter, bjorn and john song called young folks on youtube music you talk like this hey google, play that hipster song with whistling. It gets that. 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Tmobile family plans now come with netflix included. Thats huge. Thats right. Tmobiles got your Netflix Subscription covered. When you get a family plan with two or more lines. Really . Thats incredible. So go ahead and watch however you want. Youre messing with me, right . All at no extra charge. This is awesome another reason why tmobile is americas best unlimited network. Mic drop. Sorry. I cant make it. Its just my eczema again, but its fine. Yeah, its fine. You ok . Eczema. Its fine. Hey hi arent you hot . Eczema again . Its fine. I saw something the other day. Eczema exposed. Your eczema could be something called atopic dermatitis, which can be caused by inflammation under your skin. Maybe you should ask your doctor . Go to eczemaexposed. Com to learn more. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, my next guest is a comedian, a dear friend and host of the paul mecurio show. Please welcome back to the late show, paul mecurio. cheers and applause applause all right. All right, thanks. I i have a kid. And some parents out there may relate to this. When my wife was pregnant, we noticed that people get into your personal business about how youre going to raise your kid. Like, we didnt want to know the sex of the baby. We wanted to be surprised. And we would tell people and they would say, what are you crazy . You have to know the sex of the baby. You have to get the room ready. It has to be pink if its a girl, blue if its a boy. The room, the room, the room. We live in a studio apartment. The rooms ready. Up to the see the babys room . Were in the babys room now. I decorated it with a balloon. laughter now, this is the part when you have a kid where youre supposed to say, its the best thing that ever happened to me. Not so much. Thats a parent laughing right there. You hear it . I mean, you love them, but there are some days you wish hed walk into the woods and never come back. laughter had a baseball tournament, my wife is like, you go, 10 years old. Fatherson bonding weekend. And at the end of the weekend, it hit me eye dont really care for the kid because every minute of the day its their stuff. Were in a hotel, he wantaise Grilled Cheese sandwich. He wants to watch a movie. He wants to go in the pool. Hes in the pool. Hes out of the pool. Hes in the pool. Hes out of the pool. Like some Main Attraction at seaworld. Its my saturday night, too. I want to go to a strip club and he complains. Daddy, the lady on the pole scares me. This jack daniels is burning my throat. You call that weed . I dont you know. laughter applause have have you noticed that businesses want us to do their job now . Like, theres no Customer Service anymore . Im constantly negotiating for bags in my life. Im in the market last week, i have eight items on the belt i actually had this conversation. The guy goes to me, you want a bag for those . Im like, yeah. He goes, really . Im like, yeah. He goes, you want a bag. Its eight items. You want a bag. Its eight loose items. You want a bag . No, instead give me an octopus, hell carry it all home. He said you could sell the bag. You could sell the checkout. Okay, im going to need the employee discount code. He goes, why, are you an employee . I go, apparently i am now. cheers and applause i mean thats not my job. Thats their job. Whats next . They send tout Meat Department and hand you a shotgun and a live cow and tell you to go at it . See, i have to say something, okay. I believe if you dont say something, things dont change, okay. So ooik lime a human speed bump for you people here, you people at home. If somebody is a jerk, i think theyre getting cheated i say something. My wife is like lifes too short. Let it go. I cant. I almost got arrested on amtrak i got in an argument with a conductor. I pulled my pants down at 86t86th street its not good. Im having lunch on the east side of the city. For those who dont know, east to west, eye lot of traffic, its a pain to drive. The guy im having lunch with has a sald with grilled chicken. I have a salad with one scoop of tuna. You know how much that costs me two adds, two cokes. 42 . Exactly. I pay it get in the cab. Why was it 42. I know i got screwed. If i got screwed, everybody is getting screwed. The woman in the red hat is getting screwed. I have to change it. This is how my brain works. I look at the receipt, and sure enough he charges me 7 for one scoop of tuna. Im the guy who has to speak to the manager. I said, why did you charge me 7 bucks. He said, i have to charge like its a sandwich. I said it wasnt a sandwich, there is no lettuce, tomato. I said charge it like it was a catered boucher fey and charge me 7,000. He said i have to. I said what is this had to . Did Congress Pass tuna legislation i missed. It wasnt even a scoop of tuna. It was a scoop of tuna with a hint tuna. I want 3 back on my scoop of tuna. Ill give you four. I step out of myself and hoferlg above the conversation. And hear myself going, negotiating over a scoop of tuna, and im like i gotta move to the woods. Ive got to move to the woods. Ever have one of those moments, right . Just forget it. I cant applause its like i cant he goes, no, sorry, bucks thats it. I go are you going to charge me like its a sandwich. Yup . I want my whole sandwich. I got in the cab and went back, lettuce, tomato, pick expel two swords that went in the sandwich. The cab drive cost me 30 bucks, but i proved my point. Thank you very much. Stephen to see him live, check paulmecurio. Com for tour dates. Paul mecurio, everybody well be right back. Ive gotta hit the loo. We cant stay here why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you, big daddy. Aww. Charmin ultra strong. Its washclothlike texture helps clean better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Beautiful view. Thanks to charmin. And you, honeybear. Awwwww. We all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin . Late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be ben affleck, greta gerwig, and musical guest dead and company. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, Kim Kardashian west and ludacris. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from grand grand