Transcripts For KPIX The 20240703

Staff members brought in six gigantic bags of mcdonalds to the courthouse. Colonel jessep did you order the big mac . You dont have to answer that question. Ill answer the question. [farting] sustained. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Speaker of the oust first, stephen welcomes john oliver and musical guest boy genius. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen come on, baby. Come on. Come on. Oh [cheering] good to see you. My friends. [audience chanting] Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen thanks, everybody thank you very much please have a seat, everybody. Welcome. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] tonight you join our broadcast with history already in progress, because mere minutes before i walked out here on this stage, republican Kevin Mccarthy was ousted as speaker of the house. And im sure this wont be taken out of context when i say i love the mccarthy hearings this its not really hearings, but you get the idea. You get the idea. This all started just last night, right . When matt gaetz introduced a motion to vacate the speakers chair, which gaetz had threatened to file earlier in the day, and then mccarthy tweeted bring it on to which gaetz replied just did. But then it continued when mccarthy replied ok then. And gaetz replied well ok. To which mccarthy replied what happens now . To which gaetz said, not sure bro. To which mccarthy replied im not ur bro, bro, but i think if i get a simple majority i survive prompting gaetz to ask, simple majority of total or just those present . To which mccarthy said simple majority of your mom. And gaetz replied cool comeback. To which mccarthy said thanks. To which gaetz replied im being sarcastic btdubs. To which mccarthy replied i know, dumbass, to which gaetz responded whatever, dude. My dad says i have to go eat dinner now. So theres a process. So theres a. Theres a process. Its chaos in the end, mccarthy lost with matt gaetz, plus his seven republican cronies, and all of the democrats voting to give him the boot. Seems like strange bedfellows, between those two groups, but in a democratic meeting earlier today, california representative adam schiff quoted the big lebowski, saying gaetz isnt wrong. Hes just an [bleep]hole. True story. Thats right. Hes right. The douche abides. You may remember, back in just this january, congress had to vote a record 15 times for mccarthy to get the speakers job. But to remove him, just one. [cheering] thats progress, kev feel good about that. Now, this has never happened before in the 247 years of the republic. So kevin, congratulations, you made history. Im sorry. Wait, wait. Im sorry. Im sorry. I misread that. You are history. [cheering] cause its hard to see any politician come back from this kind of unprecedented humiliation. So its time to say farewell to former speaker of the house Kevin Mccarthy, seen here pointing to his goingaway gift. Speaking of public humiliation, donald trump. Today he was in new york for the second day of his fraud trial. It cant be much fun for him, to sit there, since the judge already found him to have committed fraud. But his lawyers seem to be having a good time. One of them came to court yesterday with a gaming laptop. Shes using her downtime to play grand theft maralago. [applause] this trial is overseen by new york city judge arthur engoron, seen here in his audition photo for the golden bachelor. Hey. Yes, you may approach the bench. It does please the court. Engoron fans here. Hes already issued a scathing ruling against trump, and it be hard for the expresident to sit there and listen to people slam his business. Or it would be hard for him to listen if he was listening. But hes not. Instead, today, while he was sitting in court at his own trial, he went on truth social, where he put up a post attacking judge engorons clerk, who was literally in the courtroom with him, calling her Chuck Schumers girlfriend. Hes acting like a bored high schooler. He also passed a note to the judge saying will you convict me . Yes or no. Weve also seen several official courtroom sketches from this trial. But yesterday, trump shared one that his fans made. There it is. He actually reposted this. Ive heard jesus is my copilot. But from the looks of this, hes also a codefendant. Oh, im being told this is actually implying that jesus is his defense attorney, which makes sense. His mom would be so proud. And if you want to retain the services of our lord and savior, just check out his new ad. Jesus and barnes messiah attorney 800555lambofjustice stephen there you go. You want him in your corner. You want me in your corner. Trump isnt just getting slammed with legal issues. Hes also getting blasted by some of his senior members of his former administration. Like outgoing chairman of the joint chiefs and subway rider seeing a mariachi band get on his train car, mark milley. In his farewell speech, milley implied that trump is a wannabe dictator. Another highranking general not mincing words about trump is his former chief of staff and uncle whos shown you the church and is now deciding if you can handle the steeple, john kelly. Years ago, the atlantic published a story which claimed that trump had no respect for the military or for fallen soldiers, and last night john kelly went on the record to confirm several of those disturbing stories, including that trump thinks prisoners of war are all suckers because there is nothing in it for them, that he did not want to be seen in the presence of military amputees because, quote, it doesnt look good for me. And that he ranted that our heroes who gave their lives in americas defense are losers and wouldnt visit their graves in france. That is despicable for a commanderinchief to disrespect the Hallowed Ground of our war dead. Make up for saying that . I will take electrocution. [applause] Stephen Kelly ended his statement, saying there is nothing more that can be said. God help us. True. But unfortunately, gods a little busy right now, sir. Oh, this is interesting. I enjoyed this. Last night, at 1 05 a. M. , donald trump posted, now that the strike is over, the talentless, lowrated creeps of Late Night Television are back. [cheers and applause] [audience chanting] Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen thank you for watching, sir. But im not surprised. Hes a 77yearold white guy. Of course hes watching cbs. But i do have a question. Low rated creeps of late night . How did he find out our original podcast title . He wasnt done. 45 minutes later, after he had digested his bed nuggets, he posted, remember when i told you that the poorly rated and not at all funny late night talk shows are nothing less than a Major Campaign contribution to the radical left democrat party, adding, watch what is going on. So interesting i know you meant that as an insult, but that really sounds like the kind of rave review you wanna slap on a times Square Billboard [applause] so today, we did that. The late show with Stephen Colbert watch what is going on. So interesting donald j. Trump. Sir, thank you for the endorsement. I hope you get a chance to check out the billboard on the way to your next Court Appearance or bubba gump shrimp appearance. We got a great show for you tonight my guest is john oliver. But when we come back, meanwhile stick around. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by Liberty Mutual insurance. Only pay for what you need youre replacing me . Customize and save with liberty bibberty. He doesnt even have a mustache. Only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. [car tires screeching] whenever heartburn strikes. Get fast relief with tums. Its time to love food back. Also available tums sleep support. For your most brilliant smile, crest has you covered. laughing nice smile, brad. Nice thanks . Crest 3d white. 100 more stain removal. Crest. Everything i do thats for my health is an accomplishment. Concerns of getting screened faded away to my astonishment. My doc gave me a script i got it done without a delay. I screened with cologuard and did it my way. Cologuard is a oneofakind way to screen for colon cancer thats effective and noninvasive. Its for people 45 plus at average risk, not high risk. False positive and negative results may occur. Ask your provider for cologuard. I did it my way [traffic noise] [text message] lets ace this thing i got you coffee. Oh my god, what . You literally read my mind. Got you, girl. Who says you cant go for bold without going broke. Get the brands you want, the prices you want, whenever you want. Tj maxx where you can always afford to be you to the maxx. Im steve, i lost 138 pounds in nine months on golo and taking release. Tj maxx since taking release, my sleep is way better. My inflammation has gone way down. Im nonstop now, i feel way better than i did before. I dont sit down in life anymore. Inez, let me ask you, youre using head and shoulders, right . Only when i see flakes. Then i switch back to my regular shampoo. You should use it every wash, otherwise the flakes will come back. Tiny troy hes right, you know. Is that tiny troy . The ingredients in head and shoulders keep the microbes that cause flakes at bay. Microbes, really . Theyre always on your scalp. Little rascals. But good news, theres no itchiness, dryness or flakes down here i love tiny troy. And his tiny gorgeous hair. Hes the best. Make every wash count little help please. At cretors, we handcraft every batch of our delicious popcorn. Like our cretors cheese and caramel mix. Great on their own, even better together. Try cretors, handcrafted smallbatch popcorn. [cheers and applause] stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show. Give it up for louis cato and the late show band. Give it up for the band. Fantastic. So nice to be back. Louis its so nice. Stephen last night, i was like, how do you do these shows again . These shows. Takes a lot of energy to do the shows. I also want to say hello to endea owens. She is back on the bass. Couldnt be here last night. Couldnt be here last night. Where were you when you found out the strike was over . I was in the heart of australia. [laughter] stephen did you look at a map and go im not going to make it. Yeah. I was like, mm, 24 hours. 23 hours . [bleep] stephen welcome. Better late than never. If you all didnt catch the show last night, mr. Louis cato last night was here performing. His new album reflections. Check it out, yall. Its out there. Go check it out. Also in just a few minutes, john oliver is going to be out here. [cheering] louis sir john. Stephen its like you knew i was going to say that. Folks, i spent most of the strike puttering around the house, hosting a podcast with four of my closest tv friends, trying my hand at tapdancing. And gazing out the window at the birds who continue to sing every day at the appointed hour to which theyve become accustomed, yearning to join them. But last week, the earth moved, the clouds are parted, the window was cast open and i was unshackled from the earthly bonds to spread my wings once again, perch on the lofty branch of late night and sing to the heavens a hymn of praise that is my segment. Meanwhile stephen now. Right there. Thats what i was missing. I missed that a lot. Now, while we were off, some pretty choice minor news nugs slipped by, and id like to cover them in my brand new, hopefully nevertobeusedagain meanwhile subsegment, thenwhile. Thenwhile, during our absence, a funeral home thats for sale in massachusetts got attention for a sign posted outside the property stating it is probably haunted. Not great, but better than the signs posted on their caskets hopefully dead. I know. Dark story. Thenwhile, back in september, a delta flight from atlanta to barcelona was forced to turn back when a passenger sprayed diarrhea everywhere aboard. Or as they call it at spirit, business class. [applause] i await your letters, spirit airlines. What made everything worse was that deltas flight attendants had no means to clean the mess, such as hazmat or ppe suits. Its the basis of the new movie actually, i would prefer snakes on this plane. The flight [applause] the flight was rescheduled and the passenger even made a full recovery and was allowed to reboard. But the passenger had to promise never to eat again at the airport salmonellabon. Thenwhile, back in august, during the Summer World University games in china, a somali Sports Official was suspended for nepotism after a painfully slow athlete finished last in a 100meter race, and the runner is speculated to be the officials alleged niece. Alleged niece by the way, is the least interesting segment on maury. You are the uncle all right. Well, painfully slow is pretty harsh. Lets just play the tape and see if you can spot which person has never been in a race before. I just love that little skip at the end. And that was fun i just wanna say, you go, girl. Go faster than that, but you still go. I would like to race her. Do you think i could take her in a race . Yes . I will race her for charity. I want her to come to new york. Well get the money. Well get the Charity Money from somewhere, maybe her sponsors which are clearly baked potatoes and ambien. Really . You feel sorry for her . You are much nicer than i am. Thenwhile, in animal news, a pennsylvanian tortoise escaped a vet clinic for the third time. And im being told we have footage of the tortoise escaping. [applause] oh, you go awww to me but then you laugh at her again. Whos the bad guy now . Still me. Thenwhile, while we were out, kraft recalled faulty american cheese singles after a malfunctioning wrapping machine left a thin strip of plastic film on some kraft singles. Which is, of course, a choking hazard. With a thin strip of plastic film on it. I know. Take your time. Thenwhile, yves san laurent has a new fragrance pour homme called myslf. How vain is that . The whole point of cologne is that i dont want to smell like myslf. But listen, if this is what people are buying, im proud to introduce the new fragrance, my own frts. Eau de what i left in the toilette. Im sure Austin Butler wont mind that we used his photo. Thenwhile, back in may, oscar meyer temporarily renamed the wienermobile the frankmobile to celebrate its tasty new recipe. New recipe . You cant change the recipe. I hope they didnt change the hot dogs original ingredients of whos asking . You cant levally [bleep]. Wait a second. Look. Normally we would go back and i would read that line correctly in order to finish the joke. But i refuse to go back and reread a line whose last words are nipple meat well be right back with john oliver with scope squeez mouthwash concentrate, just add water, squeeze to control the strength of your mouthwash, and find a zone all your own. Scope squeez. I have type 2 diabetes, but i manage it well. Jardiance its a little pill with a big story to tell. I take oncedaily jardiance, at each days staaart. As time went on it was easy to seee. Im lowering my a1c. Jardiance works 24 7 in your body to flush out some sugar and for adults with type 2 diabetes and known heart disease, jardiance can lower the risk of cardiovascular death, too. Jardiance may cause serious side effects including ketoacidosis that may be fatal, dehydration, that can lead to sudden worsening of kidney function, and genital yeast or urinary tract infections. A rare, lifethreatening bacterial infection in the skin of the perineum could occur. Stop taking jardiance and call your doctor right away if you have symptoms of this infection, ketoacidosis, or an allergic reaction, and dont take it if youre on dialysis. Taking jardiance with a sulfonylurea or insulin may cause low blood sugar. Jardiance is really swell, the little pill with a big story to tell. Is it menopause or Something Else . The menopause journey has stages. Learn about yours with clearblue menopause stage indicator. That tracks your fsh hormone levels. Combining them with your cycle data. Whats your menopause stage . [street noise] [text message] whole team is here coffee . Ah yes thank you feeling sluggish or weighed down . It could be a sign that your digestive system isnt at its best. Metamucil gummies make it easy to get the fiber you need. Promoting your Digestive Health for a better you. Metamucil gummies. The easy way to get your daily fiber. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Here we go. That was an easy one. Right here. Ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight is an emmy winning comedian you know best from the Strike Force Five podcast. He also hosts last week tonight on hbo. Please welcome john oliver. [cheers and applause] please. Please. It is john good evening. Good evening. Stephen it is lovely to see you. John nice to see you. Stephen not only to see you not on a zoom window but also to see you in a suit. This is the most dressed you and i have been in the last five months. John i know, exactly. I will dress up for the person im talking to. Seth meyers doesnt have suits anymore, so i will not dress up for that mans show. I will dress down like he does. He does not respect his guests sartorially so i shall not respect him. Stephen for the few people out there who dont know, for the past couple of months, you and me and the jimmies and seth had a podcast called Strike Force Five. [thunder rumbles] its a podcast that the guardian called nice enough. What did you, what do you make of that description . John what youre dealing with there is quintessential british passive aggression. Nice enough. Its a rave. Anything more than that and its everyone committing ritual suicide. Nice enough is what they said about shakespeare. It was fine. It passed the evening. Stephen the podcast is coming to an end. Sadly. John not entirely sadly. Its a good way for it to end. Stephen perfect way to end because the strike ended. John thats right. It would be bad if it had carried on. Stephen yes. It would be bad if it carried on and also if the strike had ended after the first episode. John thats right. All of those things wouldve been bad. We threw off at least one good episode in 12. Episode 5, if you havent heard. Episode 5 is where jimmy fallon i mean stephen distinguished himself. John distinguished or disgraced. Both. Ran an episode of the match game while taking liberties with the english language. That i think will never be fully forgiven by the people of its beautiful. Its beautiful chaos, incredibly funny. He is like a conductor conducting an orchestra who doesnt innately understand what music is. Thats the best way i can its incredible. Stephen one of the mistakes that we made on the podcast is right at the end, we said we should get some merchandise. We ordered a lot of merchandise. To sell to people. John i think its fair to say its a disaster, a financial disaster. Stephen probably. John its like if the last thing radioshack did was lets order some bomber jackets. Thatll dig us out of this hole. We have a huge amount of merch and there is no real market for it. Stephen the podcast is over. John but it still exists. Stephen i thought maybe we could give some away to the audience tonight. [cheering] john at cost . Stephen what . John and if they catch them, then they pay for it . Stephen no, its free. Its just free. John to qualify your excitement, youre going to get literal trash projected at you . Stephen the easiest way to distribute tshirts is of course john the tshirt cannon. Stephen eddie, bring out the tshirt cannons. Charged up. And the safety is off . Okay. Ready . You are the guest. And keep in mind, john, hold on a second. Have you fired a tshirt cannon before . John its 99 confidence. Whats the worst that can happen . Whoa stephen the worst that can happen is that you could take off somebodys head. Right over here, who wants one . You see, its got quite a lift on it. Another one. Ill tell you want. Have a seat. Have a seat. [laughter] stephen oh, [bleep]. [bleep]. Oh, no. There you go. John okay. Okay. Stephen please have a seat. Well keep these here. Well keep these here. John stephen, i cannot overstate the extent to which i just shot that woman in the face with a tshirt. There was no arc on it. It was flat. I apologize. I believe they have insurance for this and if they dont, youre about to become a millionaire. Stephen congrats on getting back to work. John thanks, you too. Stephen first show was sunday night. How did it go . It felt natural . John yeah. Yeah. It was very fun. It was very fun to be back and the only show that we had prepared in terms of Research Stephen the one you were working on in may. John thats right, was about Prison Health care which really felt like not the most welcoming way to welcome an audience back. Just welcome back. Why were you ever hear . Its very nice to get it on the air. Stephen you recently, you hosted the cluny foundations albie award. I did not get an invitation to that. John that was deliberate. Stephen what . Im sure its not that fun, not that glamorous. John no ones there. Stephen just tell me if jon stewart was there. John he was there. Stephen all right. Okay. You were on the red carpet with your lovely wife. You were asked about returning to work. Youre about to go back to work. Are you happy . Oh, yes. Yes. Wow. Stephen no hesitancy. John no even sense of fun in the voice. Just yes. Its time for him to get back to work. Stephen we have to take a quick break here, mr. Oliver. Well be right back with more of that guy. Stick around. honey. Honey. Dayquil severe honey. Powerful cold and flu symptom relief with a honeylicious taste. Because life doesnt stop for a cold. Dayquil honey, the daytime, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, honeylicious, power through your day, medicine. Trick or treat kit kat. Reeses. Ooo, great costume. Looks like you deserve both. See ya boys. If your moderate to severe Crohns Disease or Ulcerative Colitis symptoms are stopping you in your tracks. Choose stelara® from the start. And move toward relief after the first dose. With injections every two months. Stelara® may increase your risk of infections, some serious, and cancer. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if you have an infection, flulike symptoms, sores, new skin growths, have had cancer, or if you need a vaccine. Pres, a rare, potentially fatal brain condition, may be possible. Some serious allergic reactions and lung inflammation can occur. Feel unstoppable. Ask your doctor how lasting remission can start with stelara®. Janssen can help you explore cost support options. Andrew just saved big on a laser hair remover at amazon. Because less hair, more air. [sfx game controller] when occasional heartburn wont let you sleep. [sfx game controller] get fast relief with tums heartburn sleep support. Love food back and fall asleep faster. Tums tums tums tums febreze hi. I keep my home fresh with febreze fade defy plug. And i use this. Febreze has a microchip to digitally control how much scent is released so it doesnt fade. Ooh. Does mine have a microchip . Oh. Febreze smells firstday fresh for 50 days. That is a shockingly long time. Febreze also has a refill reminder light. It even reminds you to refill it . So i never miss a day of freshness. Your home is so fresh upgrade to febreze plug. Psst hey what if getting insurance is scary . What if the jargon makes me feel alone and in the dark . At state farm, were there for your what ifs. great aaah like a good neighbor, state farm is there. ® call or click to get a quote today. Stephen hey, everybody, look at that. Its john oliver from last week tonight and Strike Force Five. What is john oliver like off the air . What are you like when you dont have a job to do . John bouncing off the walls, to be honest. I dont rest well. I am better with purpose and work. I dont really exist in a leisure sense. [laughter] thats how people stephen there is no downtime. John no downtime. Im always like this, im afraid. You can tell that from the way my wife said its time for him to leave the house. Stephen waking up the kids, going, do you know the state of Prison Health care . John yes, basically. I was lucky. As part of a way to keep paying the staff, i did stand up and that scratched the itch to get out of the house performing. I did some hastily written stand up. Stephen this is your gig is going to be of this round to help pay the staff is new years eve. Its you and right here, you and seth meyers are doing a show together. Caesars palace. John yes, vegas. Stephen vegas, baby. John oliver, i think vegas. John what says vegas at new years even more than seth meyers and john oliver. In the theater where adele sings. We are the opposite of adele in every possible sense. So yeah, there are going to be some very disappointed adele fans that have made a crucial mistake with the calendar. Stephen how is your rolling in the deep . John it cant be that bad, right . She could have had it all stephen whos opening for whom . I cant tell from this. John it doesnt matter. We have done the beacon together. We have opened for each other. I dont know. Well toss a coin. Stephen do you have much vegas experience . John ive only been once before. Comedy central, i think it was Comedy Central had a comedy festival. I went with rob riggle. Its his spiritual home. Thats his mecca. That was the first time id been to vegas, the first time i gambled. It was like 4 00 in the morning one night, i was sitting in a blackjack table, and mike tyson walked right past the table. I remember thinking to myself i need to go to bed. [laughter] stephen because you thought you might have hallucinated him . John no, if your life intersects with mike tyson in any anyway, thats a canary in a coal mine coughing its last breath. Its bedtime for you. Stephen well, why didnt you ever go back . John why . I loved it because its a cartoonish place. It literally shouldnt exist. Thats going to help sell tickets. Vegas. Come to vegas. The city shouldnt exist. Its built on stolen water. Theres no point in it being there. But do come and see seth and i. I won. Riggle taught me how to play blackjack, and i won 800. And then i lost it at the airport because i lost my wallet. Stephen you lost your wallet at the airport . John i dont know how i lost it. It was gone, and there were some things in there that i really wanted. There was an old autograph of ian rush, a liverpool Football Player that i got when i was 11 years old, so i really wanted that. I was so destroyed it was gone and then someone found it, sent me my wallet back, with ian rushs autograph in there and minus 800. Stephen we have to take a little break here but stick around. John i wont be here. Stephen you will be there. You will be there. John ill be here. Ill be here. vo its another ultimate endless shrimp flavor drop with new tequila lime shrimp one of seven endless choices right now, only at red lobster welcome to fun dining when you smell the amazing scent of gain flings. Time stops. and you realize youre in love. Steve . With a laundry detergent. gain flings. Seriously good scent. The right age for neutrogena® retinol . Thats whenever you want it to be. It has dermproven retinol that targets vital cell turnover, evens skin tone, and smooths fine lines. With visible results in just one week. Neutrogena® retinol lowering bad cholesterol can be hard, even with a statin. Diets and exercise add to the struggle. Today, its possible to go from struggle to cholesterol success with leqvio. With a statin, leqvio is proven to lower bad cholesterol by 50 and keep it low with 2 doses a year. 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The worlds 1 sleep aid brand for a better night sleep. So now, he wakes up feeling like himself. The reigning family room middleweight champion. Better days start with zzzquil nights. We made it bmo has arrived. Hello . You said it. Hello to more ways to save money, grow your wealth, grow your business. Just what we needed, another big bank. Not so fast. How many banks do you know that reward you for saving every month . Hes got a good point. Did i mention bmo has more feefree atms than the two largest us banks combined . Uh, bmo . Just beemo, actually. Quick question, will all this stuff fit in your car . should i get rid of the mug . Bmo stephen hey, were back here with the host of last week tonight, john oliver. Hw are ticket sales . John no idea. But again, i just cannot stress enough the extent to which las vegas should not exist as a city. Stephen and that you are not adele. So here you are. Youre opening with seth. You started your career as a standup. Do you have any memorable people that you toured with, people you remember when you started out . John the beauty with stand up, its a fundamentally humiliating job. I think its good for the human soul. The lowest it ever got, i did a gig at the university of east anglia and my manager said youre going to go into the middle, three acts. Youre going to go in the middle. All of that was true but he left out some key spcifics that wouldve been helpful to know at the time. One was that the first, the opening act was a guy called mr. Methane who was kind of a character act in britain at the time. I believe hes still around. A guy in a kind of skintight green lycra suit whose talent was that he could fart on command. And so he did that, he farted along to the blue danube. He blew out some birthday candles on a cake. And then he farted the National Anthem. Stephen your National Anthem . John god save the queen or the king but it all sounds the same when it comes out of his rectum. Stephen could he hold a note . John he could. It was genuinely impressive. You need to understand how much the audience loved it was patriotism in the room. I am hearing the british National Anthem the way its supposed to be heard. Recognizably being farted into a microphone being held 0 inches away from the mans anus. Now, you might be wondering. Stephen i am. John were there two microphones available to the performers that night . No. Microphone, singular. So i went onto a stage to an audience who were just sitting down after giving him a standing ovation and ill be honest. My 20 minutes of jokes about britains involvement in the iraq war didnt go down as well is what mr. Methane had done. I bombed. Then the final act of the evening, stevie starr, who called himself the worlds only professional regurgitater i saw him swallow and bring back a light bulb, a pool ball, and a goldfish. Yes, its the goldfish that stuck with me too. A live goldfish. Stephen and live when it he came back out. John live when he came back out. I know that goldfish cant emote. But i would swear to you that that goldfish looked at me standing at the side of the stage with a look in its eyes that said kill me now. Stephen they only remember things for seven seconds. John i think thats a misnomer. I think he wouldve loved to have forgotten that for seven seconds. They loved him even more than they liked mr. Methane. It wasnt bombing on stage that hurt. The true nadir of that evening was how nice the two of them were to me backstage. They were so kind. You have not hit rock bottom until youve seen a guy in a ripoff riddler costume peeling off his body and i swear he looked to me and said im sorry. That was hard to watch you do that up there. It was hard for you, mr. Methane . You found that difficult to watch . You felt i lost some dignity there . Fart man i looked him up. Hes still going, mr. Methane. And stevie starr recently got to the final of croatias got talent which is bold because he is in no way croatian. Stephen wow. John yeah, there were some dark times. But they are character building. Stephen 100 . Do you want to give away some more tshirts . John i do. Stephen all right. Okay. Lets do a couple more here. [cheering] one more. All right. Now lets go outside john outside . Stephen come on. Lets do it outside. Anybody want a tshirt . Oh, [bleep] john ooh. Stephen im going to try to get one on top of this theater. John oliver, everybody last week tonight is on hbo on sunday nights. Well be right back with boy genius. Oppers time to win is running out in our prize packed kick off the savings Monopoly Game hurry in to play for your chance at over 25 million in prizes and money saving offers like this, and this, or even this. Plus, you still have a shot at up to 100,000 in guaranteed prize money. Stop in while you can still win and shop your Favorite Brands sporting the kick off the savings monopoly tag for unlimited bonus game tickets at lucky stephen performing cool about it from their critically acclaimed album, the record, boy genius. [cheers and applause] met you at the dive bar to go shoot some pool and make fun of the cowboys with the neck tattoos ask you easy questions about work and school im trying to be cool about it feelin like an absolute fool about it wishin you were kind enough to be cruel about it tellin myself i can always do without it knowin that it probably isnt true i came prepared for absolution, if youd only ask so i take some offense when you say, no regrets i remember its impossible to pass your test but im trying to forget about it feelin like im breaking a sweat about it wishin you would kindly get out of my head about it tellin myself one day ill forget about it knowin that it probably isnt true once i took your medication to know what its like and no i have to act like i cant read your mind i ask you how youre doing and i let you lie but we dont have to talk about it i can walk you home and practice method acting ill pretend being with you doesnt feel like drowning tellin you its nice to see how good youre doing even though we know it isnt true [cheers and applause] stephen boy genius, everybody. Thats it for the late show. Good night