Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240713

Please. Impeachment is a bunch of bull. Wow, a little over the top, isnt it she seems insane. Donald trump is my line . President. Sorry, it is a tough role. You are an actor, act like you like him. Okay, you got this. Can i just do something if guys dolls like sit down, sit down, sit down youre rockin the boat. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight no quid, no co, plus helen mirren and the kids from master chef, jr. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen come on whooo hello, friends. Beautiful. Thanks. Welcome. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks, the hits keep oncoming and today we have more huge news from our nations capitol. The House Intelligence Committee has Just Announced it will hold its first open hearings as part of the impeachment inquiry on wednesday november 13th. Yes. applause there st. Boom. There you have it. The shif hits the schiff hits the fan, next wednesday, hump day wouldnt want to be trump day. And if the transcrypts theyve already released are any indication, this is going to be tres cay, bay bay, and i will till the latest in tonights edition of don and the giant impeach. Lets call up ukraine for help. Stephen now a couple of weeks ago remember a couple of weeks ago when republicans were freaking out that the testimony was all happening behind closed doors . Well, this week adam schiff cracked those doors open and i believe we have footage of the republican reaction. Today, today we got testimony from top american diplomat to ukraine and shaved grinch bill taylor, laughter . Stephen now taylor knows what he is talking about when can am comes to ukraine because mike pompeo personally recruited him to be the state department charge daffaires, yes, charge daffaires, as opposed to back over here where trump payed for his daffaireses by dcheck. Taylors testimony undermines every argument the president has made so far. For example, taylor testified my clear understanding was that Security Assistance month would not come until the president of ukraine committed to pursue the investigation. He was then asked so if they dont do this, they are not going to get that, was your understanding taylor answered yes, sir. Then was asked are you aware that quid pro quo literally means this for that. Taylor replied, i am. The president has been saying no quid pro quo. All this time and now his own diplomat is saying yeah huh proco. What else has the president been lying about. Is mexico not going to pay for the border wall . Would he not date ivanka if she wasnt his daughter . What do you believe any more. Taylor also made it clear he knew the political impact of this, as i understood the reason for investigating barisma was to cast Vice President biden in a bad light, which he went on to say benefited a Political Campaign for the reelection of president trump. Well, if it is for a Political Campaign, the law requires the standard candidate disclaimer. Im donald j trurch and i approve this. Corruption. Stephen yeah. Puts it out there, you got to know it. applause . Jon its corrupt. I dont mess with that. Stephen at one point taylor said the secretaries of state and defense as well as the head of the cia and the National Security were all trying to get a meeting with the president to convince him to release the ukraine aid that congress had lawfully appropriated to help ukraine fight the rushans who had invaded their country. But they konlt get their schedules to line up. Taylor testified it turns out, mr. Chairman, that those principals were on different trips at different times. I think this was also about the time of the greenland question about purchasing greenland which took up a lot of energy in the nfc. The chairman replied okay, that distishing for a whole different reason. Hmmmm. Yeah. applause . Jon this is what we are dealing with. Stephen no, same reason, and you are about to impeach him. And this is just the latest. Yesterday we heard from ambassador to the eu Gordon Sondland seen here saying his beloved catch phrase guuurrhh. laughter i got my job by giving a Million Dollar to the iugust racial fund. Inauguration fund. He testified under oath that he wasnt aware of any quid pro quo with ukraine but after other officials testified that he was the quid pro quo bagman, he rushed out to submit a supplemental declaration, officer, i dont have any drugs in my car. Oh, you found a baggie of white powder in my car. Then i would like to submit a supplemental deck laration that i am coked to the gills, but in my defense, do you want to party . No . The sondland sunday awareness that he didnt want to go to chail butt pumps de fenders in a bind. As one gop house member put it without a doubt this is the biggest political pickle trump has ever been in, yes strks a vlassic case of gherkin around an ally. Stand definitely not kosher. And someone, someone liked that joke more than shall thank you, thank you darling. Thank you, darling. When the facts arent on your side your only hope is ignorance. Enter South Carolina senator and man yelling at the waiter, i was told these bread sticks would be unlimited. Lindsey graham. Now just a few weeks ago graham told axios this. If you could show me that, you know, trump actually was engaging in a quid pro quo outside the phone call, that would be very disturbing. Stephen well, the transcrypt clearly show that. But. Im not going to read these transcrypts. How tragic. Stephen graham is clearly working through the fif stages of republican impoochment grief, anger, denial, wont read, cant read, no hablo ingles. Well, well. Thanks. applause lindsey, lindsey, lindsey, im sure you are watching so you dont have to read it i will just summarize the transcript in three little word, dont look away, dont look away, lindsey, dont look away, dont look away. Lindsey, dont dont laughter i dont have the i dont have the vertical. applause the impeachment hearings arent the only bad news trump is dealing with right now, because last night there were elections all over the country and america got hit by another blue wave. applause . Stephen yeah. Surfs up, democrats, grab your boogie boards and get ready for Bernie Sanders in a speedo. Oh there is no reason to he looks pretty good for a 145 year old man. One big win came in kentucky where apparently Democrat Andy beshear has won the race for governor over republican governor and man smiling over commercial voiceover lists of rectal side effects matt bevin. Bevin lost by about 5,000 votes and as of this morning he refused to concede defeat. Yeah. He will not, proving once again that republicans are the party of men who wont go away after you say no. Bevin has long applause beferin has long been unpopular in kentucky so on monday night trump went down that person leand made this promise. If you lose, theyre going to say trump suffered the greatest defeat in the history of the worlds. This was the greatest. You cant let that happen to me. Stephen how could you do this to me, kentucky. We both worship the same god. Chicken bucket. In the name of the biscuit and the slaw and the extra crispy. Of course now now applause of course now that bevin has lost trump never met the guy. Last night he tweeted hashtag election night, one five out of six elections in kentucky including five great candidates that i spoke for and introduced last night. Wow, imagine hearing that from your surgeon. Hi, mrs. Oneill, your husband did not make it. But i have five other patients who are doing fine. Because they were never sick. He tweeted on matt bevin picked up at least 15 points in last days but perhaps not enough. Winning in mississippi governor race. Oh, come on, hes taking credit for a republican winning in mississippi. Thanks to me, a republican won in mississippi, and a catholic has been elected pope. laughter but i i applause father, son, extra crispy. But for democrats kentucky was just the appetizer because a few miles to the east virginia is now officially a blue state. applause . Stephen democrats control both chambers in the state legislature and the Governors Office for the First Time Since 1993. Oh yeah, baby the 90s. The 90s are back, baby. Everybody in virginia is going to get a crystal pepsi and a Blockbuster Video card. Perhaps the biggest victory belongs to a woman named Juli Briskman who lost her job for flipping off trumps motorcade two years ago. applause well, last night, last night briskman got a new job because she was elected supervisor in loudon county, virginia. So virginia has got a new county supervisor and a new state bird. applause we got a great smee for you tonight. My guests are helen mirren and ian mckellen, when we return its christmas. Stick around. 12. 99 mens and womens tops. Or air fryers or, take an extra 20 off with your jcpenney credit card and coupon come in and save big at jcpenney [ turn around, look at me there is someone tn ar behind you look at me there is someone look at me i was on the fence about changing from a manual to an electric toothbrush. But my hygienist said going electric could lead to way cleaner teeth. She said, get the one inspired by dentists, with a round brush head. 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Where grassfed cows produce rich, creamy milk for the most delicious taste imaginable. Thats no ordinary cheese. No. Its kerrygold. Kerrygold. The taste that takes you there. Stephen jon batiste, stay human, everybody, give it up for the band. applause . Stephen yep. Jon yeah, baby. Stephen jon, you know, i love all of our guests, i feel privileged to have any people come here and talk to this silly guy but tonight we have ian mckellen and helen mirren on the show. Jon cant beat that. Stephen we should have ourselves not arized, were all checkers items now because we are sharing the stage with these people. You know folks, last week was halloween so merry christmas. The stores are already putting out the yuletide decoration, the Hallmark Channel has started airing their christmas movies and the first lady is dusting off her suk ri figure blood trees. And Luxury Brands are also getting in on the holiday game. Tiffany announced they are selling a 112,000 dollar holiday advent calender containing 24 pieces of jewelry like a tiffany t twohinged bangal in sl carat rose golds with pave diamonds valued at 15,000. It is the perfect way to say im sorry you had to be the first baddee. But its not just jewelry. The Tiffany Ender also has the every day object sterling silver paper cut. The tiffany every day object sterling silver clothes pin and the 400 dollar every day object sterling silver harmonica perfect for blaiing the blues because you dont have a gold clothes pin. You might be saying 112,000 for an advent calender. Konlt that be more expensive . Yes, yes, it could. Thanks to my luxury lifestyle brand covetton house. Bar okay simplicity, shabby elegance, give me money. Covetton house. applause . Stephen here at covetton house we know the reason for the season. But were ignoring it and selling jewelry instead. With our limited edition covetton advent kal kal ender valued at 9. 6 Million Dollars. The covetton kal ender is the perfect for the wife you cheated on with the miss tre or the miss tris you cheated on with your wife, it contain, this is much bigger than i thought it would be. And is slowly swallowing my head. laughter it contains cheers and applause it contains such treasures at the cover eton triple krrk platinum choke we are infinity stones, just whatever you do do not snap your fingers while wearing this choker. But it is not all jewelry, folks. The covetton advent kal ender contains a 12,000 solid gold crumpled napkin. Perfect for throwing straight in the gashage because setting money on fire just takes too much time. And inside day 17 you will find a real live butler. Did we put any food or water in there, punch air holes for him or anything . No . In that case, day 18 is a build your own necklace made of authentic butler bones. A fun snow day activity for the kids. And if you are loyal to the tiffany brand dont worry, folks because day one of our kal ender is the entire tiffany advent calender. Well be right back with guest helen mirren and ian mckellen. Shishito. Burrito. Raw kitfo. Fried shiso. French fry. Iced chai. Tasty. Pad thai. Baked pie. Half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. Baby back. Pork chop. Soda pop. Kebab. Soursop. Hot pot. Im hungry now. Noodle soup. Cantaloupe. Ice cream scoop. Whipped cream bloop. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. And those crispy onion rings. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. We are americas kitchen. [happy irthday music] dont get mad, put those years to work with e trade. The roomba i7 with cleanng base automatic dirt disposal and allergenlock™ bags that trap 99 of allergens, so they dont escape back into the air. If its not from irobot, its not a roomba™ but one blows them all out of the water. Hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. Neutrogena® and for body. Hydro boost body gel cream. vo i know what youre thinking. So it bounces back. Electric, its not for you. And, youre probably right. Electric just doesnt have enough range. It will never survive the winter. Charging stations . Good luck finding one of those. So, maybe an electric car isnt for you after all. Or, is it . Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. applause . Stephen ladies and gentlemen, i hope everybody out there is just as excited as i am because pie first guest tonights are icons of both stage and screen. They now star together in the good liar. Enough, it is necessary to taste yours grandmother for more dangers. You dont know him. I make my own choices. And i dont need your permission. If you cant respect that, then i think it is just as well as we dont see each other for awhile. Obviously im intruding. Do you know who you are . I will be any person on this planet that makes me feel. Stephen please welcome helen mirren and ian mckellen. applause applause . Stephen come now. Well, it is so lovely to see you both. I dont know who is going to enjoy this anywhere in the world more than me. Because i have interviewed both of you individually but never together. I feel i should be wearing a sunscreen or something. We have never done an interview like this before together either. Stephen you have never done a movie before together, i find that so hard to believe. Yes. Stephen two giants in your own craft, both who live in london, why is this the first thing you have ever done together . You know, it is just the way it happens, isnt it we have been swimming in the same river for a long time, all of our careers, obviously. Ian has always been a hugely admired actor for my whole life, you know. And i was following along, watching him be bril yent. Brilliant. applause we did do a play together on broadway. Stephen on stage, right here. Dancing away. But never it a movie. Stephen an are you both renowned shake speersian actors, is there a part you never got to play in shakespeare that you still think oh, i want to be. Jude as and im looking for romeo. Julyette and im looking for a romeo. Stephen rise fair son. Im ready. Also, probably also juliette, i never played juliette but also hamlet. Stephen americas next juliette. Maybe we do it a romeo and juliette. You want to play juliette, that is an interesting one. Anyway, hamlet, lear, corialane surks. I played all of those parts. Of course you have, you are a man, you get to play those. Stephen you played prosph, ra. I did play. Stephen my apologies for my you also each have some very interesting individual projects of your own. I know that you helen are playing katherine the great in the new hbo mini series that premiered last month. Yes, yes. We are reinstating her reputation, she was very maligned by history. Stephen terrible rumors. Really bad, you probably all heard them. But absolutely untrue. And what very often happens to successful women in power is that they get de meaned and diminished often through sexuality and that is exactly what happened to katherine. Katherine was actually an unbelievably brilliant. Stephen what made her great. The fact that she expanded the empire of russia that is why she became stephen that is happening again. And she wasnt russian. She was german. Yes, she was. She she was an extraordinary woman and you know, watch t find out more about her. It is brilliant. Stephen and ian, of course, me ow. Are you playing gus the theater cat in the highly anticipated cats. Now we are idris all ba on awhile back talking about his training that he went to what they call cat school, he said. Yeah. Stephen to learn to you to move like a cat, how did cat school go for you. He is a professional. I didnt bother going to school. I just found my inner pussy. applause and you found it. And i found it, yes, i did. Well, the thing about cats is if you saw the joe, did you ever see it on stage. Have i not. Well, its all about cats but the. Hence the title. Although i prefer to see a show called dogs, wouldnt you like to see that. Stephen i would. Wouldnt that be lovely. But the point is these are actors who are playing cats, they are not cats. And so we. Stephen hold on, let me. Process that for a moment, you got a little technical for me. It means we walk on two legs rather than four, for example. And i promise you, judi i dench does not vey tail, nor do i. Though i would rather like one, dont you think it is terribly rather fun. Stephen i would love a tail if i could use it like a prehence il monkey tail so i could hang from things. Pick things up off the floor. Be wonderful, yes. Stephen like an elephant trunk. Wave at people with it without using your hand. Stephen no, you need a very good tailer. Now without giving anything away, the good liar, the good liar, not aye shakespearean actor has some twists and turns in it and without going into any details, are the two of you good liars . You mean. We arent, really, are we. Were not very good liars. Have i to say. Well, i dont know. Remember the first time we met. The very first time we met. I couldnt quite believe it. Helen came on to me rather strongly. I did. I fancied him. Well, you know, he was a very famous actor and i was just starting out in my career. And ian i think was appearing on television. And i was going through stage, i wasnt quite sure about my sexuality. And helen knows, it was torrid. It wasnt torrid. Oh t was for me. Im sco sorry about that. It was just a phase i was going through. Anyways, so it was ships that pass in the night, honest, a dark rainy night in manchester and we all were completely lying. Stephen did you not have sex with each other. We never met in manchester. Okay. Stephen all right. That was had me confused. I will tell you that much. What, is acting lying . No, no. Stephen you are making things up. It is telling the truth. It is a truth about life and humanity and about the way we behave with each other. It is absolutely shakespeare tells the truth, doesnt he. And so our job as actors. She is being a very, very good at selecting parts to show to different people. And animals will do this. But human animals do. Anyway you think when are you a kid, the vocabulary that you effortlessly use with your family at home is not the same language as you use with your friends on the playground, is it. You select parts of yourself. You select what costume you are going to wear, we are all actin stage, stephen, and all the men and women, how can i puti] it. Merely players. Stephen we have to take a break, please you two lovelies dont go anywhere. Well be right back with more helen mirren and ian mckellen, everybody. 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Blow a kiss, into the sun we need someone to lean on blow a kiss, into the sun all we need is somebody to lean on stephen hey, everybody, were back. With Dame Helen Mirren and sir ian mckellen. Guys, let me ask you this before we go any further. You boiv inondon, both have places i london, wre you shot the good liar. Yes. Stephen must be nice, short commute to work and everything. Exactly. Sleep in your own bed, lovely. Stephen now for people think of new york there are a few things they think of like statue of liberty or the Empire State Building or the arch in washington square. What for you is the quintessential london image that just says this is london. To me it is tal betters. The talberts. The pub that i own in the east ends of london. Stephen what is the name of the pub. The grapes. Stephen the grapes. The grapes, next time please come along. Iconic blrks i think i would pick one the theaters, maybe drury lane theater. But what people abroad see oh, there, thats londonment and i do think the tower bridge,. Stephen st. Paul. Right near where we live, actually. But. Every time i go past st. Pauls cathedral, been there since the late 17th century, my heart just, im not a christian but oh, god, just to be near that building. Its wonderful to have beautiful buildings of all periods. What is what makes london a bit special. Stephen well, here in the states, you are trying, brexit, britain exiting the european union, were trying to get trump to exit the oval office. Were attempting a trexit over here. applause donald trufer you may have heard released a transkriment of him essentially exstorting the ukrainian president , saying we wont send military aid unless you launch the investigation into biden. Now he says the phone call perfectly innocent and he wants to read it on air in a fire side chat and he thinks that when he reads it outloud it will suddenly seem so innocent that you wont want him removed from office. And since i have two of the greatest living actors right here, i was wondering applause . Stephen i will i will be the judge about whether you are innocent or guilty after you read the lines. Let me set the scene, well go back and forth here. Let me set the scene. The seen scene su are on the phone with the ukrainian president , his country is invaded by the russian. You have the military aid he needs but you are not going to give it to him unless you get the procoback, this what you say after he without say i would like the jaf lynn missiles, helen, if you would try there scash allly. What slt name of the guy talking . Stephen president zel ensky. Glenlsky, i would like for you to do us a favor though. Stephen guilty. Ian. I would like you to do us a favor though laughter applause . Stephen guilty, guilty, helen, could you try happy, try happy, i would like the javelin miss els please. Half half i would like you to do us a favor though. laughter . Stephen ian, you can give me innocent. Innocent . Well, i would like you to do us a favor. Stephen guilt. There is no way of saying that any other way except for guiltily. Because it is a guilty, it say guilty phrase. Stephen helen, you can be the president of the United States . The good liar is in theaters next friday, helen mirren and ian mckellen, everybody. Well be right back with cooking from the kids from masterchef, jr. Stick around. Not even our competitors best battery can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Pets. [ gasps ] they see everything we do. Whoo [ screaming ] and they never say a thing. 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Youre kidding . for mother rose . its perfect. Perfect. Oh yeah. Perfect. [door bell] another one for mother rose . Yep, its perfect. Its perfect. Burrito. Raw kitfo fried shiso. Pork chop. Soda pop. Soursop. Hot pot. Scallop. Kebab. inhale brussels sprout. Sauerkraut. Freshcaught trout. Alfalfa sprout. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Hey, everybody, welcome ba the late show. Folks, my next guest tonight were contestants on the very popular cooking show masterchef, jr. Please welcome cory, remy and che, everybody. applause plaws, okay, kidsk you got the new book, it is master chef, jr. Bakes, shoot me straight, i am neither a master chef nor amin junior, can i bake these recipes. Yes, everyone can do it. Stephen can i do it. Yeah. Stephen we shall see, cory, lets start with you, what are we working on today. Making some smore whoopie pies. Stephen smore whoopie pies. It is your exaif rit dessert. I like anything with chocolate. Stephen it an american classic. Country. Stephen is this just fluff. Yes, this is marshmallow fluff, instead of using marshmallows using fluff. Stephen it is the perfect start to a lot of recipes. Yeah t is amazing. Stephen what do i do with this. You put that on. So we can glend all of this stoght. Stephen i understand are you no stranger to baking from a young age, you actually have a cooking company. Yeah. Stephen is that, that is not a cook ye stand in your front yard, an actual cookie company. Yeah, a real cookie company, nationwide online. Stephen really. Yeah. Stephen so what do i do now. You can blend it all together. Stephen okay. Stephen all right. L yo whato do this i will move down the line remy what are you doing today. Today we are making some green tea matcha mackaons. Stephen im sor, what, green tea matcha mackaroon. Stephen like president of france mack long bond. First we will take these and make a little well in the bottom. Stephen i just push my thumb in there. You are going to eat that one now. So okay, so i will have this an will you just do the piping. Stephen okay. So i need to you do a little circle around the mackaron. Stephen how important was it for me to have washed my hands before i do this. Did i put too much on . Well, okay well make this work. Stephen okay. So then were going to. Stephen that is a good spirit to have in the kitchen. We can make this work. Yeah. Stephen i put Something Else inside. Now you will put. Stephen there is absolutely delicious but the combination of these colors make it look like a gangran oust wound. Or christmas. Stephen oh, or christmas. laughter youre absolutely right, apologize, remy, i apologize, do you forgive me. Yes. Stephen so. So now we have our grean tea macho macaroon with a strawberry center. Stephen shall we compare . Thank you very much. What have you got. So i have a chocolate o live oil cake. Stephen chocolate olive oil. Yes, it has olive oil in the batter. Stephen what else. So our first step is making a fresh ricotta cream, we add our powdered sugar. And our ri ricotta cream. Stephen were you the winner of master chef last year, as i understand. Yep. Stephen congratulations. Thank you. So were just going to mix all of our ing gred yents together. Stephen all right. Until they combine. Stephen remy, you have ever had a baking accident . Well, once i was making Butternut Squash and i didnt have any pots and pans so i used a tea kettle to make it. Stephen you put it in a tea kettle. Well, i cut it up first obviously. And you could have yours. Eat yours. Stephen i will keep both of them, thank you. All che steph can tze te. Cake. Yes, not the whole thing. Stephen am i supposed to do anything now or just let it, gravity take control. All over the cake. Stephen im choking on macaroon with. laughter applause you know what. You said it right that time. Stephen more, more . Thats good. Stephen you know what really helps to get the cookie out of your throat. What. Stephen saying macaron. laughter what now. Now were going to put a big dollop on top, spread it out, kind of like what you did with the glaze. Not as messy. Stephen not as messy. Now this show masterchef, jr. Is very successful. I love watching cooking shows myself. Is there a favorite baking show that you guys watch. I watch the Great British baking show t is calming strks not like Gordon Ramsey yelling at you, you know. Stephen it is. Do you want to taition this. Stephen i would love to taste it. laughter [bleep]. Medic, medic. Wash your hands. Stephen well, everybody. We cant outside that. Stephen what . Your blood is in it. Stephen im the only one eating this. Unsanitary. Use this. Stephen okay. Obviously i didnt actually just cut myself, im joking. No, hes not. Stephen no, its im feeling the book is master chef, jr. Bakes it is available now, cory, reme and che, everybody sths it for late show, everybody, tune in tomorrow when my guests will be dr. Phil, Chris Parnell an a performance by king princess. Stick around for james corden. Good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org