Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240714

Fine lets throw our support behind the abominable bernie. Health care, in my view, is a human right. laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, holy dow plus, stephen welcomes curtis 50 cent jackson. Jillian bell. And musical guest tori kelly. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey cheers and applause thank you thank you, my friends. Thank you, my friends and you are my friends. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. If you cheers and applause what time is it now . If you havent seen the news, a bit of a rough day on wall street. The Dow Jones Industrial average fell over 800 points. My condolences to the entire jones family. laughter jon mrs. Jones. Stephen our economy will be missed. laughter its been a tumultuous week. On monday, the dow lost 391 points, then gained 382 on tuesday, only to plunge again today. When reached for comment, the market said this i get knocked down but i get up again laughter stephen experts advise that worried investors drink a whiskey drink, then a vodka drink, then a lager drink, then a cider drink. laughter so why the sudden panic . Apparently, the bond market, for the first time in over a decade, flashed a warning signal that has an eerily accurate track record for predicting recessions. Thats right. Were facing an inverted yield curve do you have any idea what that means . If so, please tell me. laughter because ive been watching tv all day long, and im still not getting it. They keep showing us these charts and graphs, and they are not pretty, folks. It is very applause do something about that, chris. Jon oh, my. Stephen do something about that. Now, one thing that is definitely not helping the World Economy is trumps trade war with china. But we may be getting some relief, because yesterday, the white house announced that the president s latest tariffs on china will be delayed until december 15, effectively ensuring retailers can import goods for the holidays before the tariffs take effect. as trump im savg christ all you other holidays, youre on your own. laughter looking at you, chanuhkuh. laughter jon oh, wow stephen rashushuna. Its odd that trump would back down to protect american consumers, because hes been clear about one thing all along the tariffs are not being paid for by our people. Its being paid for by china. You are not paying for those tariffs. China is paying for those tariffs. Our people are not paying for it. Theyre paying for it. Our people are not paying for it. China is paying for it, not our people. Stephen sounds good. Never paid for it in my life. But then, yesterday, while explaining his reasons for the delay, trump said, yeah, we kind of do. Were doing this for christmas season, just in case some of the tariffs would have an impact on u. S. Customers, which, so far, theyve had virtually none. Just in case they might have an impact on people, what weve done is weve delayed it so that they wont be relevant to the Christmas Shopping season. Stephen as trump so, again, they dont hurt Christmas Shopping, but im delaying them so they wont hurt Christmas Shopping. And i already know what im getting you this christmas. Im getting you this big, fat lie that im telling right now. And i know its the same thing cheers and applause i know piano riff i know its the same thing i got you last year, but i buy them in bulk from china. laughter the items spared until christmas include ice hockey gloves, human hair fashioned into wigs or false beards, and prepared or preserved frog meat. You know, stocking stuffers. laughter i still remember those Magical Christmas mornings, running downstairs and seeing mom wearing her ice hockey gloves and her fake beard, ladling out the frog nog. laughter jon oh, my gosh. Stephen one product that has been dropped from trumps tariff list permanently is bibles. Wait a second hold the wha jon huh . Stephen our bibles come from china . No wonder jesus is always talking about sharing everything with the poor. Theyre selling us commie jesus laughter applause ive had it. Ive had it we dont need no commie jesus lucky american jesus wants me to win the lotto. laughter whispers numbers into my ear when im driving. Thats why the kids have got to stay quiet. But the race to replace trump keeps heating up, and ill tell you all about it in tonights doin it donkey style. Nevertheless, she persisted cheers and applause stephen first up on the d style is former colorado governor john hickenlooper, seen here ia ckenlooper has str t gain tractn and issibi ente thefor s republicanheld senate seat. Bravo bravo cheers and applause good for you i like that. You see, finally, a man willing to put aside his ego and do what is good for the country. That guy should run for president. cheers and applause and the numbers back up his decision. On sunday, the denver post published a poll saying hickenlooper would lead other democrats in the Colorado Senate race by 51 percentage points, which shocked hickenlooper. laughter he did not know that poll numbers could have two digits. laughter and hes put a lot of thought into this. And hes taking the idea of dropping out seriously. In fact, last weekend, hickenlooper hopped into senator Michael Bennets car to discuss his impending decision. Bennet listened to hickenlooper carefully, then thoughtfully replied, who are you . laughter but other Democratic Candidates applause thank you. Other Democratic Candidates are still going strong, like south bend mayor and photo on the inside flap cheers and applause south bend mayor and photo on the inside flap of a self published poetry book, mayor pete buttigieg. laughter mayor pete was at the iowa state fair yesterday, and he showed that hes willing to put his body on the line to be president. Here he is diving into some deep fried oreos. You want some . I mean, im not going to eat all six. Stephen well, then youre not going to be president , pete laughter im not going to eat all six. applause oh, someones too good for cardiac arrest. Dont you know gorging yourself in public is how american knows chester a. Arthur got the job by winning a pieeating contest. laughter they didnt even bother holding an election they just hosed him off and inaugud but, of course, it wasnt all fried fun and games, because mayor petes day took a bit of a darker turn when he talked to this veteran iowa fairgoer. I shook Robert Kennedys hand. All right, so youre good luck . No it was a month before he got shot laughter applause stephen as old woman i shake every candidates hand to see if it was just me laughter that ancient fortune teller said all i touch would wither to dust. You are doomed you going to finish those oreos . laughter theres also news about vermont senator and sentient dryer lint, bernie sanders. laughter for years, the bern has been critical of corporate america, especially amazon c. E. O. And supercool penis, jeff bezos. laughter applause on whoa stephen hey, ladies. Look, but dont touch. At a recent event in new hampshire, bernie went after bezos again. You know, if you look at the Washington Post which is owned by the wealthiest guy in this country, a guy named jeff bezos amazon made 10 billion in profit last year. You know how much they paid in taxes . You got it zero any wonder why the Washington Post is not one of my great supporters . I wonder why. Stephen wait, is that hes stealing trumps thing. as bernie yes, the jeff bezos the Washington Post is i think, and i am coining this phrase fake news sad its a witch hunt a witch. Hunt god bless the united stush. cheers and applause bernie went on to explain why hes worried about Corporate Media, saying large corporations own the media in america, by and large, and i think there is a framework, about how the Corporate Media focuses on politics. Okay, bernie, thats ridiculous. I, Stephen Colbert, work for a major Corporate Media. But im free from corporate influence and i can say whatever i want. Which reminds me all hail the glorious merger of viacom and cbs cheers and applause may it forever bolster our premium content portfolio and position us to span all content categories and demographics, creating eternal value for shareholders viacomcbs stronger together cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Curtis 50 cent jackson is here. But when we return, i send one of my writers to iowa stick around. Guys, i want you to meet someone. This is jamie. Youre going to be seeing a lot more of him now. Im not calling him dad. Oh, nno. Look, [sighs] i get it. Some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle ansave with progressive, but hey, were all in this together. Right, champ . Im getting more nuggets. How about some carrots . You dont want to ruin your dinner. Youre not my dad thats fair. Overstepped. Thats fair. Did you know you can save money by using dish soap to clean grease on more than dishes . Try dawn ultra. Dawn is for more than just dishes. With 3x more grease cleaning power per drop, it tackles tough grease on a variety of surfaces. Try dawn ultra. Seventh generation gets the laundry detergent from plants, not petroleum. And this stuff beets stains. Its kind of a big dill. It squashes sixty of your toughest stains. Seventh generation. Powered by plants of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. I knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. I knew there was a vaccine available that could help protect her before she could be exposed to hpv. I knew. So i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, jon batiste and stay human, everybody thats the band right there. Im not the band. Thats the band right there. cheers and applause you know who is coming up, jon, is our friend halfdollar jackson. laughter curtis 50 cent jackson. Jon 50 cent. Fitty cent. Yeah. Stephen always fun always fun to talk with him. Always gives me good advice. Jon oh, yeah, hes great. Stephen now folks, as i said a little earlier, all the candidates are in iowa now. In fact, this week, 22 different Democratic Candidates made stops at the iowa state fair, giving voters a chance to watch them deliver stump speeches, flip pork chops, and finally find out if anyone can tell the difference between john delaney and a corn dog. laughter nope, i dont see it. I dont see it. There are so many candidates in the race, that i dont think people know who they all are. In fact, last week, we had our writer brian stack walk around new york pretending to be a madeup president ial candidate named Gregory Whytman. laughter and a lot of people bought it. Excited to meet him. So we wanted to know if our fake candidate could appeal to the real people of iowa. Jim . Before Gregory Whytman campaigned at the iowa state fair, he needed advice from a professional. So he met with reallife president ial candidate and governor of the great state of montana, Steve Bullock, at a popular Iowa Campaign stop. H great meeting you. Stephen bullock was the perfect candidate for gregory to talk to, since he and whytman alaughter governor bullock had some simple advice i would just be yourself. Be myself. Be yourself. Thats tough because i dont like myself. laughter hi there. You know, believe it or not, one of us is governor Steve Bullock who is running for president. Can you guess which one . Is it you . Im Steve Bullock, the governor of montana. Nice to meet you. Whats your name . Sue scott. Oh, hi, im Gregory Whytman. Im also running for president. Nice to meet you. Can i ask you real quick which of the two of us you were most impressed with in the last debate . Oh, what a great question. I think it w t. laughter thats very kind of you. Stephen it was time to hit the state fair and give iowa voters whytmans Campaign Message whatever that is. What is your main reason why i should vote for you for president . You know, if im really honest, my driving force is to make. Denise dibilbus, who wouldnt go to senior prom with me, regret that decision. Okay, that doesnt make me want to vote for you. Well, if im president , shes going to regret that decision, dont you think . But that doesnt make me want to vote for you. Oh, youre right, i need more. You dont even know denise dibilbus. No. Thank you for agreeing to ride this thing with me. You know, its a tough decision, but have you given any thought who youre going to vote for . Trump. Okay. So did i see you out in the debates and i cant remember . A lot of people didnt really notice me in the debates because i was way over on the side by de blasio. I heard about that kind of a thing. Yeah, i was way out on the side. They didnt cut to me much. And sometimes i would stick my head in real fast like, hey, good point. We cant let them get away with that. Hey, good point laughter hey, you know, i just wanted to let you know, you know, a lot of candidates are backed by big oil or big tobacco. And im actually backed by big corn. Okay. Yeah, thats actually my brotherinlaw, jeff. He needs the work. Very nice. Hey, i know theres a lot of candidates to choose from, and its kind of hard to get any traction in the polls, so i was thinking, since beto orourke got a little boost and attention from swearing, i was wondering if i could try a little of that out and see if it might boost my poll numbers. You ready . All right, all right bleep environment bleep . Okay. laughter stephen if he really was going to win over fairgoers, whytman would have to hit the same requisite stops of the other candidates. Wow, a cow made of butter. A creature made out of one of its byproducts. You know, its appropriate that im flipping pork chops, because if i become president im going to chop pork barrel spending. Very clever. Wow what a perfect metaphor for my poll numbers laughter stephen on his way to eat a corn dog, whytman bumped into a real president ial candidate. Also, andrew yang. I know youre offering 1,000 a month to people. I was wondering if i could maybe get mine now. Would that be possible . laughter i have got to win this thing in 2020, and then starting in 2021, the freedom dividends can go to you and every other american. Oh, okay, because i have some veterinary bills. My dog swallowed a golf ball. Thats terrible. Secretary castro. Good to be with you. Thank you for talking with me. So, can you tell me what youd like to achieve most if you were president . Well, i mean, the number one thing that we need to do is combat Climate Change because its an existential threat to our country and our world. Wow, okay, im in. Castro 2020. I made a big mistake running. I dont know what i was thinking. Stephen of course, no candidate can leave the iowa state fair without giving a speech on their famous soapbox stage. So im not going to give up. I want to represent the forgotten americans, folks like jay inslee, michael bennett, john delaney, and four or five others. I forgot them, and thats my point. But i ask you to believe in me, Gregory Whytman, a believable choice. And together, with your support, we can build a better future. And, also, hopefully impress my wife. Were going through a bit of a rough patch. Shes out canvassing for elizabeth warren. laughter whytman 2020 secretary castro, it was an honor to meet you, and thank you for talking to me. And i hope youll have a great president ial campaign. Thank you, sir. cheers and applause stephen thank you, gregory. Well be right back with curtis 50 cent jackson. Im your cat. Ever since you brought me home, that day. Ive been plotting to destroy you. Sizing you up. 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You are getting your own star on the hollywood walk of fame. cheers and applause congratulations. Im excited about that. I didnt expect that. That came out of nowhere. I was like, i get that . laughter stephen do you know where its going to be or who youre going to be around . No, i wanted to move it. I wanted to move it to my neighborhood. laughter but im going to have to just keep it wherever it lands, it will be good. Stephen sure, sure. Hopefully people will go take pictures next to it. cheers and applause take a selfie where you can see my name. Stephen sure. Youve got, as i said, you got the music career. Youve got the grammys. Youre youve got the hollywood walk of fame. Youre a successful businessman. Is there a holy grail . Is there something that curtis 50 cent jackson has not achieved yet . There are a few other trophies they didnt give me. laughter stephen do you have an emmy . Do you have an emmy . I dont have an emmy. Ill take an oscar. Stephen ill take an oscar, too. Ill take an oscar, too. Nobel peace prize. Why not . Stephen yeah. Ill take them, put them in nice places. Stephen next to your star on the hollywood walk of fame. Well, you have you have a luxurious lifestyle. You know, you have the beautiful suits. I particularly like this one, this is sort of understated for you. Yeah, because its, like, paisley, and then it stops. Stephen yes. And then youve got the youve got the watch right there. Yeah, thats the rapper, like everybody is watching, the kids. They dont see nothing shiny. Stephen and you dont you dont really ever take that watch off, because here is speaking of luxurious this is you in a bubble bath. You posted this photo right there. laughter thats a different version of this watch. Stephen its a different version . Its not the same watch . No, see, that one dont have the circles in it. You have to have the one with the circles in it. Stephen okay. laughter i have a question jim, can we see this again . I have a question about this. Have i been taking bubble baths wrong . Because i thought they were to relax. You dont seem relaxed in this photo. You seem angry. That was photograph number 10. When youre using a timer, youre like. laughter youre like, wait youre like. applause stephen wow. So a man of your level of success doesnt have his own bathroom photographer . laughter yeah, yeah, if you had a bathroom photographer, you would probably you probably out of touch, you know . laughter stephen you can borrow mine. You can borrow mine. You can borrow mine. laughter you also have another example here of your luxurious lifestyle. Again, which is, a certain part of me totally gets this. You have this is you w yeah. Stephen this is you on your custom lamborghini with matching matching tshirt and shoes. Do they come with the car or do you have to have them custom made . I had to get them to make the car versace, they wrapped it, put all the stuff on it. Stephen okay. I have to be finding things to do, to be honest with you. laughter stephen this is just this is just make work . This is just busy work . What am i going to do now . Like, cause other people got the car, so you have to create a separation between you and the other people that are actually going to drive the car. Im going to wear this car when i wear these shoes. laughter stephen do you have do you have other outfits that match other cars . Yes, i do. laughter cheers and applause stephen i im in the wrong business, evidently. laughter so i just dont have a lot of time because im moving around a lot. So i put that there and next time i go out and am actually going to be seen driving the car, im going to drive this car with the shoes that match that car. Stephen okay. Because you dont have a lot of time so that has to be a fast car wherever you go. Has to be nice. Stephen i understand there was a little bit of a problem with this car. This car went missing for a little while. What happened there . Yeah. I was performing at the barclays, and snoop was there, snoop dogg, and he was like he said, if you need me to come on ill come on. Because we have done a song together, a p. I. M. P. Remix. When we went on it was, like, it was fun. I had a good time. It was a surprise that he came out. And then i had more to do. So he left and i continued to perform. When i came off i was wet so i wiped off everything and got dressed. And i came out, and the car was gone. He went, walked by the car, saw the car, and he was like i dont know if it was jealous feelings or something. laughter but he he actually got went to the car and got in the car, because the keys are in there, because you park inside the barclays. And the guy who was supposed to valet park. I said, where did the car go . And he said, snoop took the car. laughter i said, what . How do you just let him take my car . He was like, he came, he walked around it. Because snoop a lot. laughter im like i think he i think he thought that was his car for a minute. But later he made a tape saying i owe him for the performance because he feel like you got me performing for free and you got cars like this out here in the middle of he thought i tricked him into a performance. But he offered to perform. laughter stephen that was your so this is your car. I apologize, because i was driving around with snoop. I did not know this was your car. laughter folks, what we learned is that mr. Jackson here keeps the keys to his car underneath the mat. laughter just applause in the parking lot. Stephen youre on your honor, youre on your honor not to steal his car. Okay, so youre youre youre a successful businessman. People love 50 cent. Have you considered entering politics yourself . You know what . I never really thought about entering politics at all. But you really have, like, a really likable person. You have this conservative. cheers and applause stephen me . Yes. Tephen you think i should run . I think you should. Audience Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen. You see that . Im telling you. Me, it would look like there are already things wrong. laughter immediately stephen like what . Why wouldnt you want a president like that . Okay . Get air force one all tricked out with this stuff. Where is he at . I just saw the president at the strip club. laughter stephen who called in that air strike . It wasnt me. It was snoop dogg. laughter snoop dogg called in the air strike. You are an artist and executive producer and former star of power over on starz. Heres the thing i think the last time you were here, you were still on it. You killed yourself off last season. Yeah. Stephen what why why would an executive producer kill themselves off of their own show . Why not give yourself if you dont like it, give yourself a better part. Youre the executive producer. laughter it was one of those things where like, if i kill myself off, then i become a director. Stephen oh, are you directing now . Irecd epis603. Dis season. applause stephen how did you like thats a different thats a different thing. Yeah, so its like its like, you die. Now youre great. laughter it was not a bad thing. Like, i watched some of the actors when they find out that theyre dead, their character has died in the table read, and they get emotional. And its not because theyre not talented actors. Its because theyre not sure theyre going to be doing something they want to do their next gig. Stephen sure. Well, theyre unemployed. Yeah. Stephen thats their unemployment notice. This is, okay, i need a job. Stephen did you enjoy directing . Like are you are you what do you what do you wear what do you wear when youre directing . Do you have a special outfit that you wear . You wear buttons, but you wear Everything Else like you forgot you was wearing buttons, pants and sneakers at the bottom like ive been up all day. Youre the first person on the set, last person to leave. Its cool. Stephen okay, so you want to look like youre working hard. Right. laughter like, look, ive been up all night, okay. Like, you know, i have zero tolerance today. Stephen are you tough on the actors . Like, do you give line readings . Or how do you imagine im an actor, how would you coach me into an emotional moment . Look, stephen, you have to get this right now, right. laughter youre going to make us look like. laughter stephen totally motivated. cheers and applause sign me up. Sign me up. piano riff season six of power premieres august 25 on starz. Curtis 50 cent the director jackson, everybody. Well be right back with jillian bell. His . Its my special friend, antonio. His luxurious fur calms my nerves when im worried about moving into our new apartment. Why dont we just ask geico for help with renters insurance . I didnt know geico helps with renters insurance. Yeah, and we could save a bunch too. Antonio fetch computer antonio . Ill get it. Get to know geico and see how much you could save on renters insurance. P touched down in thehoes land of the delta blues in the middle of the pouring rain then im walking in memphis walking with my feet ten feet off of beale then im walking in memphis walking in memphis but, do i really feel the way i feel . And reverend green, glad to see you when you havent got a prayer youve got a prayer in memphis memphis then im walking in memphis walking in memphis but one blows them all out of the water. Hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. Neutrogena® and for body. Hydro boost body gel cream. So it bounces back. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin [ song johnny cash, th sthese are my people these are the ones who will reach for the stars these are my people by the light of the earth, you can tell they are ours a new step to take and a new day will break yes, these are my people stephen welcome back to the late show. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an actor and comedian you know from 22 jump street and workaholics. She now stars in brittany runs a marathon. We have a bunch of membership options to fit all your fitness needs with rates as low as 129 a month. Im sorry, i thought you said as low and then 129 per month. Yeah, thats a starting rate. 129 a month, and for that you get access to everything in the gym except half of it. So every person weve walked by has 129 to just give to you . Is there a sliding scale for people in debt up to their bleep . Uh. Okay. You do know that people can go outside, though, and just be outside, and, like, do things. L you can ring my bell ring my bell cheers and applause hi oh, wow. Stephen hello. Hello, how are you . Stephen welcome aboard. Welcome aboard. Your new movie is brittany runs a marathon. This is your first dramatic and starring role. Yes. Stephen how dramatic . And how much running did you do . laughter very dramatic. No, im just joking. Its not that serious. Its a comedy as well. Stephen yes. But i did a lot of running. I did a lot of running. Stephen are you a runner . No, no. Not naturally. Stephen did they know this before you were cast . They asked if i could, and i go, oh, yeah, running. laughter stephen one foot in front of the other. I do it all the time. Stephen sure, exactly. For the bus. For the bus, and thats all i listed, for the bus, to get to the bus, again. Stephen but this is brittany runs a marathon. Yes. Stephen have you ever run a marathon . No. Stephen do you run a marathon in the course of this movie . Well see. laughter youve got to go see it. Youve got to go see it. No, but i was i was running a lot. I i actually i started training on my own, and i decided i wanted to do the physical journey of the character. Stephen sure. So i committed, on my own, to losing 40 pounds, because thats what the character goes through in the film. cheers and applause stephen wow. Thank you for applauding the work. Its a lot of work. Stephen wow. But, yeah, so i decided to do it, like, you know Daniel Day Lewis would do it. I looked it up on pinterest. laughter stephen really . How do and i found out you can do a thing thats from couch to 5k, and it helps you slowly train. Stephen whats the first step . If youre on the couch, whats the first step . Get up. Stephen get off the couch. Get up off the couch and then move a little bit. Thats the first day. Stephen did doing the movie make you want to run a marathon . No. laughter no, i i respect people that do. I think they have superhero abilities. Stephen sure. I think its amazing. For me, thats not my obsession is learning to get to that point. Stephen what is your obsession . Um, escape rooms. I enjoy an escape room. Have you done one . Stephen what is the cardiovascular component of an escape room . I have never done one. Youve never done one . Do you know what happens in them . Stephen you get locked in a room and you get 45 minutes and you die or Something Like that. Youve got 60 minutes. Stephen 60 minutes and then what happens . They kill you. No, no, someone walks in and goes, you didnt make it. laughter but its stephen have you ever not made it out . Yeah. Theres times, those are those are the low days. Stephen how many have you done . How obsessed are you . Oh, i love it. I go all the time. I actually went one time, and my friend tried to set me up with someone, so brought them into the group. Stephen how many people might be in the group . You know, if youre doing it right . Stephen yeah. Six to eight. Stephen six to eight. Six to eight. Stephen so six to eight people. One of them is someone this person thinks you should be dating. They thought i should be dating, and after watching him in an escape room, i said no. laughter stephen can you explain to me what this is . Yes. Stephen i was given this thing right here. So this is a passport to an escape hotel in hollywood. Stephen what is an escape hotel . That sounds weird. Well, its got a lot of rooms in it, and, you know, theres the circus room, the daycare room. Theyre all creepy. laughter as daycares happen to be. But i took this with me to mexico on mistake, because i thought laughter stephen you meant to take your passport. I thought this was my passport. Stephen so you get to customs and i want you to see is there a camera that can close up. Of this woman, they opened up and saw. This woman who is terrified for her life, but also a little excited in the eyes, like this. Stephen and all across the bottom it says, escape, escape, escape. laughter no, im not running from the law, officer. No let me in. Stephen i want to find out something from you. I understand you also have a fashion line here. My sister and i created a Company Called neon witch. Stephen neon witch . Yes. Stephen i like the mixed messages here. This one says anxiety. laughter with the calming image of the ocean. Stephen and this one says depression. Yes stephen where did you get the idea for these . Well, not to get too heavy or serious, but some of those run in my family. And we just thought it would be cool to own it. Stephen oh, wow. Are we related . Oh stephen oh, depression . Anxiety . Yeah. Good to see you again. No, but its a fun way to stephen where can you get these shirts. Neonwitch. Com. Stephen neonwitch. Com. So nice to meet you. Thank you. Stephen brittany runs a marathon is out next friday. Jillian bell, everybody well be right back with a performance by tori kelly. Join us. I knew my son could be at risk of certain cancers later in life. From an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew widespread hpv is and while hpv clears for most, that might not be the case for him. I knew his risk increases as he gets older. I knew a vaccine could help protect him at age 11 or 12, before he could be exposed. I knew so i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. I was looking for a companion and wewe had a connection corny as it sounds, it was love at first sight it was kismet. Adopt love at our National Adoption event. This weekend at your local petsmart®. Into our subaru forester. We fit a lot of life dad its good to be back. mom it sure is. mom vo over the years, we trusted it to carry and protect the things that were most important to us. We always knew we had a lot of life ahead of us. mom remember this . mom vo thats why we chose a car that we knew would be there for us through it all. male vo welcome to the allnew 2019 subaru forester. The longestlasting, most trusted forester ever. But we were made to move. So move more live more degree motionsense made to move. How do you get skin happy aveeno® with prebiotic oat. It hydrates and softens skin. So it looks like this. And you feel like this. Aveeno® daily moisturizer get skin happy™ thats why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. Its speciallydesigned with the soaking, scrubbing and rinsing built right in. Cascade platinums unique actionpacs dissolve quickly. To remove stuckon food. For sparklingclean dishes, the first time. Choose the detergent that lets your dishwasher do the dishes cascade platinum. The number one recommended brand in north america. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. Ever since you brought me home, that day. Ive been plotting to destroy you. Sizing you up. Calculating your every move. You think this is love . This is a billion years of tiger dna just ready to pounce. And if you have the wrong Home Insurance coverage, you could be coughing up the cash for this. So get allstate and be better protected from mayhem, like meow. Stephen her new album inspired by true events came out friday. Performing sorry would go a long way, ladies and gentlemen, tori kelly cheers and applause dont seem to wanna hold me like you did before we dont go out to dinner aint no flowers at my door you do a lot of talkin theres a word you never say sorry would go a long way i stayed up all night waitin and you forgot to call oh, i feel so lonely its like you dont care at all maybe its your ego or just your foolish pride its like im not on your mind you never tell me that you love me oh, what a mess of me youve made it wont make it all better wont make it okay but sorry would go a long way i feel the times are changin and maybe you are too im the same old me but youre a different you so be a man about it and admit youve done me wrong i just wanted you all along ooh, you never tell me that you love me oh, what a mess of me youve made it wont make it all better wont make it okay but sorry would go a long way and after the heartache after the hurt why is it so hard to say that one word if its really over you never tell me that you love me oh, what a mess of me youve made no, it wont make it all better wont make it okay but sorry would go a long way cheers and applause stephen tori kelly, everybody well be right back. We live with at t and we are well past the honeymoon phase. Oooh lufa. Ocupado tom. At t, whats this i hear about you advertising a 100 Fiber Network . Only like a fraction of my customers can get that. Thats it . . You have such a glass halfempty attitude. The glass is more than halfempty you need to relax tom. Oww tom, you need a little tom time. A little tt. Stop living with at t. Xfinity delivers gig speeds to more homes than anyone. New sichuan hot chicken. Stephen stay tuned for james corden. Good night. cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from where you last