Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20180102

laughter announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, coffee joe calls trump cuckoo. Plus stephen welcomes Carol Burnett and lewis black. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause thank you, jon. Hey, everybody hey, jon. Thats nice. Thats nice. Thank you very much. Audience Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you, everybody audience Stephen Stephen stephen cheers and applause thank you. Incredible. These people are incredible. Please, have a seat everybody. Thank you so much. Ese ople are amazing. This is the kind of crowd i would want two nights a week. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. cheers and applause jon thats right, thats right. Stephen double header. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is friday, and its been quite a week for our president. Hes been on a real tear, calling senator Warren Pocahontas in front of navajo code talkers, denying that that was his voice on the access hollywood tape, but weve all accepted that a little bit of crazy was part of the deal with a trump presidency. Kind of like how we accept theres a little bit of rat poop in hot dogs. laughter gives it the flavor. Its delicious. It is true. Look it up. This week, just feels different somehow this week. And yesterday, whats the show, on the coffee joe morning, and the morning brew crew, coffee joe laid it all out. You have somebody inside the white house, somebody that the New York Daily News says is mentally unfit, that people close to him say is mentally unfit, that people close to him during the campaign told me he had early stages of dementia. Stephen oh, so were doing this now . Its okay to say the d word . I thought we were all just supposed to smile and pretend he was being colorful, like uncle marty when he started wearing kleenex boxes as shoes. laughter of course its charming. Of course, java joe, herald of the dawn, knows its dicey to accuse the sitting president of going senile, so he did it anyway. Now, listen, you can get mad at me if you want to. You can say its not okay to say but it is okay to say when are we supposed to say this . Stephen before he was elected wouldve been nice. laughter just cheers and applause just that would have been nice. Right . It would have been useful and joejoe starbucks isnt the only one pointing out trumps recent downturn. So is trumps biographer, a guy who spent a whole lot of time with trump about 30 years ago. He is decompensating, thats a psychiatric term, but what it means in simple terms is he is losing his grip on reality. He is more limited in his vocabulary. Stephen oh, i dont know. Its not that limited. It just went up 280 characters. laughter although, there are some troubling signs. Just listen to the president at his tax bill rally this week. These massive tax cuts will be rocket fuel. laughter little rocket man rocket fuel for the american economy. applause he is a sick puppy. Stephen sir, stay on the taxes, then go to nuclear war okay . Dont go back and forth. It sounds like youre scatting tax cuts, rocket fuel, rocket man, manhole, holy cow, cowabunga, bungalow, how low can you go, deedily boopba doop a doop sick puppy scatting cheers and applause one thing that has people concerned is that yesterday trump retweeted some disturbing racist videos. To give you a sense of just how awful these things are, one of them is called muslim migrant beats up dutch boy on crutches. Probably my least favorite Hans Christian anderson fairy tale. This videos were put out by the farright hate Group Britain first, so its concerning that trump would retweet their videos, especially since theyre not even accurate. For example, in the dutch boy on crutches, local media and police never identified the attackers as muslim. So basically these videos are someone committing an act of violence against someone else. Which reminds me, i want to show you this video of a muslim man visually attacking an innocent bystander. We have got to build that wall. Between us and cheers and applause who is it between . And trump retweeting this hate group hasnt gone over too well in britain. Just take it from english Prime Minister and cruel headmistress of hogwarts laughter teresa may, who said, it is wrong for the president to have done this. Ah, that classic english civility. But its really too coherent for our president to understand. Madam, you need to translate that into trump speak on a tweet hashtag. Hashtag. Of course, Great Britain is our strongest ally, so naturally, donald trump took the high road and moved on to other matters of state. Im just kidding. laughter he tweeted dont believe him england, we need your help. Take us back well be good cheers and applause well even well drink tea. Well drink tea. piano riff oh, and there was also one problem with trumps response. He originally tweeted at the wrong teresa may. laughter hey, its happened before. Remember f. D. R. Accidentally bombed new jersey resident adolf hilter. laughter now, there is a good man. The spelling hilter, hilter, is a good guy. Of course, there is some evidence that about two decades ago, trump was a lot more eloquent. In fact, theres a controversial quote that just came out from an interview in 2000 that trump did with maximum golf magazine, which is also the amount of golf trump plays as president. Apparently, while being maximum interviewed, trump pointed out a young socialite at maralago and told a reporter, there is nothing in the world like first rate. And there it is. The grabby area. Now, to be fair, maybe trump wasnt referring to the female anatomy. Maybe he was referring to the popular british childrens movie character, first rate pussy. laughter who you might remember from first rate pussy cat about town, first rate pussy teatime shenanigans, and, of course, first rate pussy meets fivestar trouser snake. So, why cheers and applause really . Big fans. They they they all read those books as children. laughter now, why are we just now hearing about this . Well, because, according to the interviewer, the editor in chief changed the quote to there is nothing in the world like firstrate talent. Wow, i got to say, an editor who lacks the courage to run that quote is a real. Talent. laughter but there were also cheers and applause but there were also some less scandalous scandals this week, like the one at the Consumer Financial protection bureau. The c. F. P. B. Was designed to regulate the reckless behavior that lead to the stock market collapse of 2008, but people on wall street and republicans hate the c. F. P. B. , including director of the office of management and budget and losing his harry potter, mick mulvaney. It is to me, sir, one of the most offensive concepts, i think, in a representative government, which is an almost completely unaccountable government bureaucracy, government regulatory agency. It turns up being a joke, and that is what the c. F. P. B. Really has been in a sick, sad kind of way. Stephen and guess who trump appointed to take over the c. F. P. B. , its mick mulvaney. Despite what he said in the past he takes his new job seriously. This agency will stay open. Rumors that i am going to set the place on fire or blow it up or lock the doors are completely false. Stephen no one said anything about fire or explosions. laughter uh, thank you for hiring me. I take this position seriously. Rumors that im going to embezzle a billion dollars, then create a distraction by setting off the sprinklers while i escape to the airport are completely false. Quick question which way is the airport . laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Carol Burnett is here but first, when we come back, i share my darkest confessions. Stick around. Keep it comin love. Keep it comin love. Dont stop it now, dont stop it no. Dont stop it now, dont stop it. Keep it comin love. Keep it comin love. Dont stop it now, if you keep on eating, well keep it comin. All you can eat riblets and tenders at applebees. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. A whole new concept in skin say heldefense. Etox new absolutely ageless®. Pretox day mask from aveeno®. 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Uh huh let it go whoo get a dollarfordollar match at the end of your first year. Only from discover. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band right there cheers and applause now, jon, i understand you have a special guest sitting in with the band tonight playing the bass. Who do you have on the bass this evening . Jon my dad is playing bass, michael batiste. cheers and applause stephen good to see you again. I like the shades. I like the shades. Well, you know, i got to be cool. Stephen you got to be cool. Youre too cool for this school, thats for sure. All right. Well, thank you for being here, michael and thank you for being at thanksgiving dinner. Nice having me. Stephen it sure was. It sure was. Folks, were about to do confessions, which reminds me you should really buy my new book Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. Its an actual book. It has pages and everything. Its everything you love about midnight confessions, combined with everything i love about selling books. laughter heres an example, sometimes i look at a shampoo bottle and think, shouldnt they have tested this on animals first . otherwise, arent they testing it on me . laughter lots of wisdom like that. Now we do confessions here because even though i am a roman catholic, and i love my church, i dont make it to church that often because i believe faith is a private matter. And what i miss most is confession. So, if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. organ music forgive me, audience, i never took my halloween decorations down, so for christmas, im just adding beards and hats to my skeletons and telling the kids that santa lost weight. laughter this year, this year, audience, im recycling old cards, but im crossing out sorry for your loss. laughter this year im doing all of my shopping online. Thats why i ask people for their size, and their favorite color of porn. laughter sometimes, sometimes i read the side effects to my medications to the tune of we didnt start the fire. laughter blurred vision, weight gain, diarrhea, stomach pain we didnt start the fire laughter i never wipe down the machines at the gym. After im done eating ribs on them. laughter sometimes, sometimes when i play the video game call of duty, i pretend to have bone spurs and go into real estate with my father. laughter cheers and applause my doctor said i needed more roughage, so i stopped chewing my oreos before i swallow them. laughter i have seasonal affective disorder, so to fight the depression, i got a special lamp. So i can see my special bottle of bourbon. laughter cheers and applause when someone says, everything happens for a reason, i push them down the stairs and say, do you know why i did that . laughter cheers and applause sometimes ill tell people i got to drop the kids off at the pool. By kids, i mean poop. laughter and by pool i mean. Pool. laughter forgive me, audience audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with Carol Burnett cheers and applause im so frustrated. I just want to find a used car without getting ripped off. You could start your search at the allnew carfax. 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Please welcome the one, the only, Carol Burnett cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause hi, jon stephen its so nice to see you again. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for having me back. Stephen now, kiddo if i can call you that. Oh, sure, yeah, please. Stephen now, kiddo, youre a legend now. Everybody loves you. People leap to their feet when you walk into the theater, but is this true your first job in new york you were a hat check girl . Yes, i was. Stephen where . At a ladies tea room. Stephen okay. Thats how bright i was women dont check their hats. laughter stephen no one checks their hat anymore. They dont wear them. Stephen no one wears a hat. Was that the long green there . It was called susan palmers tea room, but they had an oyster bar downstairs that the men would go to. So in order to get a tip, i would grab the men as they were going downstairs and say, check your coat, sir . So theyd give me their coat. And then i would take a scissors now you know the little thing in the back. Stephen the hang tab, yeah. I cut that off. And then i would resew it with a differentcolor thread. So when they would come back up and ask for their coat, i would say, this was broken, but i fixed it for you. laughter and then applause then instead of getting a quarter, theyd give me an extra dime. Id get 35 cents for that. Stephen wow yeah, i was a con artist. laughter stephen youre a grifter. That i was. Stephen and a dancer, because what . Stephen i got have you seen this photo. Oh, my stephen we dug up here. Is you are no stranger to this theater. No. Stephen we talked about this last time you were here, but i hadnt seen any of the photos. You worked on the old gary moore show, shot in this theater at the same time as the ed sullivan show. On this stage. Stephen on this very stage back in the 1950s . 59, 60, 61. Stephen here you are with gary moore some time around 1560. Nice gams, by the way, as they called it back in the day. And the guest book. Now, at the same time you were, like, making your break on broadway in once upon a mattress. I doubled. Stephen at the same time. You were doing this. That was your day job. That was my day job, and i did once upon a mattress eight times a week on broadway. Stephen how did you do that . That must have absolutely wiped you out. I was young. I was very young, and i was very hungry. So i had both jobs, but i never had a day off. And so, in once upon a mattress its the story of the princess and the pea, and so the princess is supposed to, towards the end of the show, get on top of 20 mattresses and not be able to sleep. So thats the whole bit. laughter one matinee, i fell asleep. laughter in front of the audience i put people to sleep, but i fell asleep. Stephen well, thats not easy to do, to fall asleep on stage. Exactly. I was exhausted. So all i remember is the stage manager in the wings going, Carol Carol Carol wake up and i jumped up like this. Its a wonder i didnt fall off the mattress. Stephen okay, so three or four years on gary moore . Yes. Stephen one of those two. So how long after that did you start the Carol Burnett show . I started the burnett show in 67 so that took a while. Stephen okay, so how did that come about . Because gary moore was also for cbs, right . Yes, thats right. Stephen and did they say, you. You get a variety show . Well, i signed a contract with cbs for ten years, and they said that within the first five years i dont know. I had a really good agent if within the first five years if i wanted to do a variety comedy variety show, all i would have to do is push the button, and cbs would have to put it on 30, onehour shows, whether they wanted to or not. Stephen that is a good agent. That was a good agent. laughter stephen wow and i thought, ill never want to do that. Well, towards the end of the fifth year, the last week of the fifth year, i decided i was going to push that button. laughter and i did. And i called one of the Vice President s back here i was in california it was between christmas and new years. And i got the Vice President of cbs on the phone, and i said, hi. He said, carol, merry christmas. Hows it going . I said, great. You know, mike, i want to push that button. He said, what button . I said, you know, where five years ago you said that i could do the he totally forgot. He didnt know, didnt remember. And he said, well, great, ill call you back. So im sure he got a lot of lawyers out of Christmas Parties that night, you know. Called me back the next day, and he said, yeah, well, i see that, but, you know, carol, comedy variety television, its a mans game. Stephen wow. And he said, its not for you gals. Its really its dean martin. Its milton berle. Sid caesar, you know, jackie gleason. He said, weve got this great sitcom wed love you to do called heres agnes. laughter stephen i hear good things, i hear very good things about that one. I should have i should have taken that. Stephen it got away from you. I said, no, i dont want to be agnes every week. So they had to put us on the air. Stephen wow. cheers and applause how did that work out . How did that work out . I still kind of wonder if i should have done agnes. I dont know. Stephen well, i dont. Because the you know, youre the greatest variety comedian of all time. cheers and applause its the greatest variety show ever made. Look at the characters. Look at all these characters. This is just a handful of the characters you inhabited on the show. You know applause was there was there anything of of all the things did you over the years, was there anything at cbs which is a fairly conservative organization anything they said, no, you cant do that. You cant do that sketch. Or you cant do that line, or Something Like that. In 11 years the network only talked to me about one thing, censors, right. Stephen sure, sure, standards and practices. Standards and practices. We were doing a sketch where i was a nudist laughter no, no, not like that. Theres enough violence in the World Without me flashing. But anyway, i was standing behind a fence. Stephen sure, very tasteful. And a sign said, keep out. My shoulders were bare, and bare legs with hightop sneakers on. And Harvey Korman was interviewing me voiceover. And it was just a bunch of jokes about a nudist colony. So he said one of the jokes was, he said, so what do you nudists do for recreation . And my line was, well, we have dances every saturday night. Well, how do you nudists dance . And my line was, very carefully. laughter well, for some reason, they thought that was risque. laughter stephen that was too dirty . It was too dirty. They said, you have to come up with another line. This is what they bought. So what do you nudist do for recreation . We have dances every saturday night. How do you nudists dance . Cheek to cheek. laughter cheers and applause stephen not bad. That was better stephen not bad. Okay, so, youve got the book that you have written about the 11 years doing the Carol Burnett show. Which is out in paperback right now. And there is a special coming out on december when will that air . Third. Stephen december third. Sunday. Stephen i am in it. Yes, you are cheers and applause stephen but i want to go back in a time machine and talk to my younger self and say, hang in there. Youre eventually going to do some scenes with this person. Not only scenes, singing. Stephen a little bit of singing. You have a great set of pipes. Stephen oh, youre very nice. Thank you for saying the thing i asked you to. laughter we have to take a little break here, but dont go away, well be right back with more Carol Burnett, everybody applause charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. And its softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. We all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin . Why do people put why does your tummy go grumbily, grumbily, grumbily . No more questions for you ouph, that milk in your cereal was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real milk without that annoying lactose. Good, right . Mmm, yeah. Lactaid. The milk that doesnt mess with you. But having his parents over was enlightening. You dont like my lasagna . No, its good. Hmm. Oh. Huh. [ both laugh ] here, blow. Blow on it. You see it, right . Is there a draft in here . Im telling you, its so easy to get Home Insurance on progressive. Com. Progressive cant save you from becoming your parents. But we can save you money when you bundle home and auto. Progressive cant save you from becoming your parents. Not all Fish Oil Supplements provide the same omega3 power. Introducing megared advanced triple absorption it supports your heart, joints, brain, and eyes. And is absorbed by your body three times better. So one megared has more omega3 power than three standard fish oil pills. Megared advanced triple absorption. Stephen hey, everybody, were here with our friend Carol Burnett. Now carol. Yes. Stephen i heard this so many times the story of why you tugged your ear but i cant remember ive heard two different things. One it was for your grandmother and one for your children. What was the actual purpose of pulling on your ear . My grandmother when i got my first job in television here in new york i called her collect in california and i said, nanny, im going to be on tv saturday. And she said, well, say hello to me. And i said, i dont think theyre going to let me say hello nanny. and we worked this out which meant, hello, nanny, im fine. And i kept doing it and later when i got more successful. It was hi, nanny. I love you. Im fine. Your checks on the way. laughter stephen any performers say they copied that to signal their family or anything like that . I dont know. Stephen because i did. I used to do this to my mom, give her one of these. Do that to say hi at the end of the show. Did your nose grow . Because my ear grew. laughter stephen it got longer . A millimeter or two longer from pulling it all these years. Stephen now, one of the things youre most famous for is, of course, your tarzan yell. Okay. Now, are you guys familiar with carols tarzan yell . cheers and applause when did you discover you could do that . I was about nine, nine or ten years old. I had a beautiful cousin who we were the same age. And we would go to the movies, and we would like nelson eddie and jeanette mcdonald. And wed come home and act them out. So, she was always jeanette and i was nelson, because she was the really pretty one. And so laughter we would do tarzan and jane. So guess who was tarzan . Me. Stephen at least you werent cheetah. Oooooo laughter so i taught myself the yell when i was about nine or ten years old. Stephen did it ever come in handy off stage when people were searching for you in the woods or Something Like that . laughter is there a practical purpose to it . Well, one time, i was here in new york, and i was i was doing a special, and i had to run across the street to Bergdorff Goodmans to get some stocking. And so i they opened at 10 00 and i was there early in the lingerie department. And this lovely lady said, miss burnett, may i help you . I said, yes, i need some stockings. And she said, yes. And then she asked if i would sign five or six autographs for her grandchildren, and i did. It was very nice. And i went to pay for the stockings and i didnt have the right credit card. I said, im so sorry, can i write you a check . And she said, ill need some identification. laughter and i said, but, you know, she said, i know, but we have to get your license number and all of that. I said, please, cant i . She said, let me ask miss carlton across the way. She was a floor manager. If shell okay your check. She goes across the way, theyre whispering. Miss carlton will okay your check if youll do the tarzan yell. laughter and im in Bergdorff Goodman and i said, okay, ill do it. So i did it, and it was a doozy. It was a good one. And behind the lady, there was an exit door, burst open, and there was a Security Guard with a gun. laughter so i only do it under controlled circumstances. Stephen i hesitate to ask, but do you still do the tarzan yell . I think i can. Stephen would you be so would you cheers and applause be so kind . I know all right. Stephen tell the guards. Tell the guards this is about to happen. Okay, ill try. tarzan undulated scream cheers and applause stephen oh, i love that. Thats my favorite. Now, as somebody i host a type of variety show, a talk show is a type of variety show. One of the things, when i took over this job, one of the things i asked dave because he i came in and he talked to me about an hour and a half about the space and about doing a show like this. I said, i have a weird question, where do you hide from your producers when they need you to do something and you dont really want to do it . When you want to get away and just think. And he gave me a couple of places that i havent told anyone who works here yet because i want to hide i want to be able to hide. Where would you hide . Could you get away, because youre under a lot of pressure, a star with a show with your name on it, people always want to ask you things. Well, actually, the only time i kind of hid out was just before on wednesdays when we would do a runthrough for the crew and, you know, everybody coming in after wed rehearsed for a couple of days. Stephen what day would you actually shoot . Wed shoot on friday. Stephen okay. But wed have a runthrough on wednesday afternoon. So about 15 minutes before the runthrough, i would go across the hall from the rehearsal hall to the ladies room and i would go into one of the stalls and i would sit down on the toilet seat. And i would go through the show in my mind, you know, because i could be alone there. And this one one day, i was going to do a character i had never done before called stella tomler, it was this old, old lady. And i had done old ladies before and i had always done this kind of voice. And i thought i have to come up with a different voice. So im sitting on the toilet seat and im going, in a low, husky voice well, you know, i think maybe this would be good. laughter yeah, i think thats the way i should do it because down lower. Well, i think this is really good. Its oh, im feeling good about this. laughter i open the door, and there were two women standing laughter im feeling really good about this. Stephen well, carol its so lovely to see you again. cheers and applause i cant wait to what were going to do together. The Carol Burnett 50th Anniversary Special airs sunday at 8 00 on cbs. Carol burnett, everybody well be right back. To most people. I look le but on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. Fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. Fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. Lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. Im glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. For some, lyrica delivers effective relief for moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain. And improves function. 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Please welcome back to the late show, lewis black. cheers and applause band playing back in black by ac dc cheers and applause stephen how are you, my friend . Aah, im really good. Stephen yeah . Well see. I know you have the new standup tour, the jokes on us. Yes. Stephen you got vinyl out of your last comedy. Concert . Its a double album. Stephen double album of black. Yeah only the beatles and me Stephen Black to the future. Congratulations on that. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen youre an american. Im an american. Lets talk about american traditions. How was your thanksgiving . I leave the country. Stephen really . Yeah stephen thats the opposite of what the pilgrims did. Yeah. No, i get out. Stephen where do you go . Why do you go, first of all . I go because about 15 years ago, a friend of mine and i were having dinner at his mothers house, and we realized his mother couldnt cook a turkey. And it wasnt it was tasteless. And it was why were we doing this . And my mother, i had already discovered years before that, would cook a turkey and it would taste as if it had a muscular problem. laughter so it was, lets just get out of here. Stephen so you leave the country. We leave the country and go to, you know, this year portugal. Stephen what did you have for thanksgiving, lewis . Pork. Always good for a jew to dig into a little pork. laughter stephen portuguese pork. Grilled octopus or Something Like that . I had some octopus there. What i really like about going away, and especially now. Stephen oh, yeah. You know, because its theres nothing beats going to a country you dont really understand their language. Stephen yeah. So youre sitting in a beautiful cafe. And nobody around you you dont understand anything anyone is saying. And its no greater its serene, because that moment in time, there are no bleep anywhere. laughter stephen you have no way of knowing. Yeah. Stephen speaking of which, lets talk a little politics for a second. Are you ready to do this . Have you looked at the republicans tax bill at all . Has yeah. Stephen what do what do you think of it . I think it helps us. You and me. Stephen yeah, because weve got cash. Yeah. Stephen yeah. So that means somethings got to be wrong with it. Heres why we dont need help. A lot of people need help. Not us. So cheers and applause stephen the trickle down. Oh, yeah. That trickle stephen trickle down. But this is this is this is more trickle down. You just fill up the top bucket and it trickles down. Heres the you want to test that trickledown theory. Drink about 20 beers, then pee your pants, okay . Then put a cup down here. Stephen yes . And stand and see how long it takes for that pee to fill up that cup. laughter cheers and applause piano riff stephen challenge accepted. Challenge accepted. laughs well do it next week. Stephen now, there are a lot of sexual allegations arising in many different industries. Youre one of the elder statesmen of outrage. What is what is your level of outrage about whats going on now, what were finding out now . Im just kind of stunned that my generation, which should have known better because thats the beginning in the sense of the the first real kick about, you know, womens liberation. You know, all of this stuff that should have been dealt with years ago, you know. My generation kind of knew that and was talking about it and discussing it. And in the meantime it wasnt dealt with. Women didnt get equal pay. Women didnt get you know, they didnt get bleep . So as a result it all got put on a back burner, all of it. It all got thrown in the back, you know, got thrown on the back burner. And then eventually the stove exploded. And thats what weve got now. The stove has exploded. Stephen its a grease fire. applause dont throw water on it. Yeah. Well, you know, i mean, you i mean, the thing that i dont get is, you know, i had a tv show for about eight minutes. laughter and we did, like, two short seasons. I dont know where you get the energy. Stephen you know, i find that amazing, too. Isnt that unbelievable stephen that is the greatest thing to keep you on the straight and narrow is to work hard enough. The people who are having sexual, you know, misconduct in an office, im like, you should fire them just for not being busy enough. laughter where do you find the time to do that, to be an bleep . I dont know. The exhaustion that i felt just when Comedy Central would give me notes, like at 10 00 in the morning, about what we did the day before and what the show was going to be. So by 10 15, i didnt have the energy to have sex. By the time theyre done stephen because normally 10 15 is the time perfect time to have sex, 10 15. Well, you know, these guys were having it any how do you all i cared about is when can i get my drink . That was all i cared about. When is the day over and i can, you know, knock Something Back . laughter stephen i wish i had something for you right here. Yeah. Yeah, well, what can i tell you . I dont get it. I mean who the hell can make i mean the other thing is the whole thing about just masturbating in front of people. I mean, how i dont even have the courage to ask for dates sometimes. laughter stephen i go to Great Lengths so women will never see nakedness. laughter i know you know stephen theres no pride here laughter id be wearing an overcoat if they would allow me right now. laughter im a 53yearold man this is why this is what i tell my wife, when these things come up with matt lauer, i go, this is why im not fit. laughter if i were fit, this is what would be going on. This is what happens when a man is in his 50s and has a six pack, you know something bleep is wrong. laughter the new tour is the jokes on us. The album is black to the future. Lewis black, everybody. Well be right back. Thanks, man. cheers and applause cbs eye on the community. Presented by target. Art and history spark connections across cultures, igniting curiosity, conversation, and inspiration. Thats why target supports the Asian Art Museum in san francisco. The asian museum is here to make asian arts and culture relevant. The reality is we all have a story to tell. Its what makes us who we are. Cbs eye on the community is sponsored by target. Stephen good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, from all the way inside an anonymous tin can, give it up jar your host, the one, the only