Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20171121

Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, trump burned. Plus stephen welcomes desus and mero and musical guest vic mensa virginia beaching jon batiste and stay human. Now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody how are ya . cheers and applause hey, everybody please have a seat, everybody cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause its monday, which is a rough day for a lot of people. But if you think you had a bad day, at least it wasnt as bad as the weather channels cameraman who was assigned to cover the demolition of the georgia dome. Bus youre in the way bus get out of the way bus ugh what the bleep cheers and applause laughter jon oh stephen i gotta tell ya, this is going to ruin the weather channels reputation as the place to watch buildings explode. laughter and i just want to say, can a bus drive in front of 2017 . laughter cheers and applause or just park in front of charlie rose . laughter monday also means that its time to dig through trumps weekend tweets and pick out the kernels of corn. First up, basketball. You might remember that while he was in china, trump asked chinas president xi jinping to release three u. C. L. A. Players who had been arrested for shoplifting from a chinese mall easily, the most scandalous thing to happen in a mall that didnt involve roy moore. But trump couldnt resist applause but trump couldnt resist tweeting, do you think the three u. C. L. A. Basketball players will say thank you President Trump . laughter imagine thanksgiving at the trump house lets go around the table and all say what were thankful to me for. Ill start. laughter thank you, me. cheers and applause thank you. The players did thank the president , but, on friday, one of their fathers, lavar ball, shot back at trump. Now, ball has made a career out of baiting people to get publicity for his company, Big Baller Brand which is a basketball lifestyle brand and not, as i thought, a company that makes pants for men with husky testicles. laughter big and tall. So when espn asked him about trumps involvement in getting his son released, ball replied, who . laughter ouch pretending not to know him is the meanest thing you can do to donald trump. laughter knowing who he is is his whole thing. Thats why he puts his name on all of his buildings and one of his kids. Well, say what you will about donald trump, but he is the president and far above responding to a publicityhungry troll. laughter applause im just kidding. laughter president whatshisname took the bait, tweeting now that the three basketball players are out of china and saved from years in jail, lavar ball, the father of liangelo, is unaccepting of what i did for his son and that shoplifting is no big deal. I should have left them in jail audience booing mr. Trump, maybe nows not the best time to be implying that someones kid should go to jail for what their dad did. cheers and applause piano riff jon not the right time. Stephen in a different tweet, trump announced victory over his own administration cause, last week, u. S. Fish and wildlife said they were ending the ban on imported elephant trophies, explaining, the killing of African Elephant trophy animals in zimbabwe will enhance the survival of the African Elephant. Right. Because theyre like earthworms. You chop an elephant in half, both sides wriggle away boom two new elephants. This got a lot of backlash, what with elephants being endangered and loved. Well, no one blasted the trump administrations decision harder than donald trump biggame trophy decision will be announced next week but will be very hard pressed to change my mind that this horror show in any way helps conservation of elephants or any other animal. Are we supposed to thank trump for not doing a terrible thing that nobody was talking about until his administration was going to do it . laughter im excited to announce that i will not be setting fire to the childrens hospital. laughter would it kill you to thank me . laughter applause heres the thing sir, if hunting elephants and other animals is a horror show, then your sons are freddie krueger. Again, its going to be an uncomfortable thanksgiving at the trump household. Dad, you said i could have one executive action for christmas. This sucks im going to go stab a dolphin. laughter cheers and applause i want to be clear i have no proof they stabbed dolphins. laughter trump also took a shot at arizona senator and number four realtor in the tricounty area, jeff flake. Flake was caught on camera dissing his own party. If we become the party of roy moore and donald trump, we are toast. Stephen senator flake, thats a little too hard on toast. laughter applause may i remind you, sir toast doesnt cruise the mall looking for dough that hasnt risen yet. audience reacts piano riff jon oh oh stephen fine, fine. Trump then fired back. Senator jef jeff flakey. If thats how this is starting, i dont think i can get through this one. You can do better than flakey. Senator dandruff. Flake news. Senator flake an orgasm. laughter thats too far . We found the line . laughter we found the line . Its implying that a sitting United States senator from arizona would fake an orgasm . He goes on. Who is unelectable in the great state of arizona quit race, anemic polls was caught purposely on mike. laughter okay, im going to stop there again. Either he misspelled the abbreviation for microphone or cheers and applause or hes implying that senator flake was caught on mike, which doesnt sound like something Vice President pence would be into, but, if so, good for you. Live your best life. cheers and applause who you love is none of my business. Trump is not done talking about flakey. Saying bad things about your favorite president. laughter what . Flake said something bad about Grover Cleveland . Hes our only nonconsecutive twoterm president. cheering yeah, thank you. You got a cleveland head in the house . Theres more, but i dont want to read it. laughter you know one subject donald trump didnt tweet about . Alabama Senate Candidate and oldest trickortreater on the block, roy moore. Several women have accused moore of molesting them when they were as young as 14. This weekend, all the major alabama newspapers endorsed his opponent, but some people are willing to overlook the allegations. Like one alabama pastor who called the moore controversy a war on men because more women are sexual predators than men. Women are chasing young boys up and down the road, but we dont hear about that because its not p. C. audience reacts sir, where are these roads that women are chasing the boys up and down . applause cheering piano riff driving in alabama sounds really dangerous. laughter theres also big news from the land down under, where australians have voted overwhelmingly in favor of allowing samesex marriage. cheers and applause yes good for you, mike very exciting news very exciting. Finally, australian lesbians have the right to say those sacred words thats not a wife. this is a wife. laughter one opponent of the gay marriage vote was australian house member and worlds worst pharrell impersonator, bob katter. Now that the vote is over, hes ready to move on to other things. I want to warn you, the clip youre about to see contains scenes of extreme australianness. I mean, you know, people are entitled to their sexual proclivities. You know, i mean, let there be a thousand blossoms bloom, as far as i am concerned. But i aint spending any time on it because, in the meantime, every three months, a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland cheers and applause screeching stephen whoa, that was an abrupt left turn laughter i cant wait to hear katter weigh in on gay adoptions. I mean, people are entitled to the joy and laughter of children. I say, live and let live. But who cares . Because, in the meantime, every five minutes gangs of kangaroos and dingoes are chewing your grandpas face off. laughter cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Senator Elizabeth Warren is here. Stick around cheers and applause band playing jack why am i sitting here at jack this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere . Jack to invite all my friends in the industry to try this. Jack fast foods first ever ribeye burger. Jack made with 100 ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. Jack ahh, here comes the competition now. Jack and of course, since they work for my competitors, ive obscured their identities jack except for this guy. Jack he is so screwed. Jack try my new havarti grilled onion and allamerican ribeye burgers. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human right there thats the band cheers and applause jon whoo cheers and applause stephen jon, only got a few more days before thanksgiving. Did you have a nice weekend . I had a great weekend. I saw you on tv. Oh, yeah, i did the hbo benefit, the united too many stars benefit cheers and applause to help those autistic people and their families, an i just want to take a moment here to say, if you guys saw it, it went on about halfway through the benefit saturday night on hbo to be interviewed by a wonderful young woman named Carly Fleishmann who interviews people using a device that turns her written questions into speech because she has communication problems, and i saw the questions, theyre really funny, shes an incredibly intelligent person who is a very good interviewer, if youve seen some of the void owes she has online, and i was looking forward to being one of the people who got interviewed by her, but she was distracted not by her autism but by her o. C. D. , and more than anything else, i want to have that interview by her. So were going to have carly on this show to interview me before christmas. I hope you can make it, karly. This is your formal invitation. Please come on. cheers and applause now, ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is the first femaler . From the state of massachusetts and the most persistent. Please welcome senator Elizabeth Warren cheers and applause band playing stephen we could just do this all night. Thank you for being back here. The last time we were together was maybe july or something of 2016 . Is that right . Stephen it was over a year ago. Has it been a while . Donald trump was not president of the United States the last time you were on. I remember those days. Stephen yeah. How long has he been president now . Stephen 45 years. Yeah, thats what i thought. Stephen if my bone density is any indication. Thats right. They were dog years, now theyre trump years. Its going to be hard. applause stephen usually the presidency ages him. Were the ones getting older very quickly. Exactly. Stephen heres the thing sometimes there are times when you and the president agree. There are some rare things you guys agree on. Wow. Stephen for instance, just the other day, he tweeted this, he said pocahontas just stated that the democrats led by the legendary crooked Hillary Clinton rigged the primaries. Lets go f. B. I. An justice department. That must have felt good, the president and you agreed on something, because jake tapper did ask you in an interview do you think the primaries were rigged and you said yes so lets do both halves. The first half, donald trump thinks if hes going to start every one offthese tweets to me with some kind of racist slur here that hes going to shut me up. It didnt work in the past, its not going to work in the future. cheers and applause stephen fair enough. Not gonna work not gonna work cheers and applause stephen so lets get into the second half of what hes saying. Jake tapper asked you if you thought the primaries had been rigged and you said yes. Would you lake to lets clarify. We have a problem at the d. N. C. And new head of the d. N. C. I said, yeah, there are some things who said there are things wrong and we shouldnt have a thumb on the scale at the d. N. C. And he is going to put in new rules to make sure the Democratic Party is the party of the people so we can fight forward cheers and applause and that is exactly what we were doing a week ago tuesday when democrats won all across this country. cheers and applause and thats why were here. Its true. Stephen so the election 2018 midterms are less than a year away. Thats right. Im up for reelection. Stephen youre up for reelection . Ar cheers and applause stephen are the people back home as enthusiastic as the people in this room because if p they are you dont have to campaign. I sure hope. So im out there. Stephen what about 2020 . cheers and applause look, weve got to be really careful here. I get the point about trump years and what this feels like right now, but weve got fights in front of us right now. We cant play this game of every four years were going to get focused and active in politics. Right now right now i mean, like, this past week and the week coming up, weve got to fight on taxes where the republicans are trying to push through a tax bill that has a trillion and a half dollars in give waste for giant corporations, for billionaires, and i want to pay for it by having working families taxes increased. Everybody under 75,000. And heres how i see this, this isnt about numbers but val yiewssments i dont believe one middle class person in america should have her taxes raised in order to do tax give waste to billionaires. Thats give aways to billionaires. cheers and applause stephen trump says he wants to get a huge tax cut for crms. Why cant it a huge tax cut for democrats . All you have to do is actually read it. It is a trillion and a half dollars in cuts. Stephen dont make me read tax policy. laughter for giant corporations. Stephen what about the trickledown theory . I mean, cohn has said this is trickle down, that you give the money to the top of the financial permid dr. Let me pyramid let me finish before you tear it apart that there is a bucket at the top of the financial pyramid of america and if we fill the bucket, eventually it would dribble down to the rest of america. This idea has been sold to the American People at least three times in my adult lifetime. Why cant he just sell it again . Thats exactly what hes trying to do. Fink you look at the shots of him right after he said its trick town again, he said is anybody buying this . Because we have the data, trickle down doesnt work. We help the rich get richer, the rich get richer. Stephen the theory is the rich tip people more. That is literally the theory. laughter heres the deal, we actually have recorded the c. E. O. S of these big corporations over the past few months have been doing their quarterly call reports where they talk to the analysts on wall street and say buy our stock because were doing a great job and heres whats happening, and they have been asked about, so, if you get a tax break, what are you going to do with it . And they say, were going to give back a lot of it in dividends or stock buybacks to pump up the price. They dont say were going to hire more people, were going to invest more here in america. They say, were going to maximize our returns to our wealthiest shareholders. Ettes out there and all we have to do is take a look and see it. We got into a fight over healthcare where republicans said its just fine to knock 25 million off their healthcare coverage, that that was just really cool with them. One political party, democrats, said no, healthcare is a basic human right and we fight for basic human rights. cheers and applause i do that. Now, the importance of this is that we didnt have enough votes open the democratic side to stop the republicans when they were ready to roll back healthcare. But what we did do is we got people all around the country engaged in the fight. We got democrats around the country, but lets be blunt, republicans, independents, libertarians around the country, vegetarians around the country laughter we had everybody, and people got out there and said, i believe healthcare is a basic human right, got in the fight and we saved healthcare for 25 million americans. Democracy did this. cheers and applause stephen well, i think, if im not mistaken, i heard the statistic today some polls are showing only about 25 of respondents in polls like this tax bill and that 52 of americans strongly oppose. Thats right. Stephen which is really extraordinary for people to be paying that much attention to the substance as opposed to the messaging of a tax bill. But do you agree that something has to be done with our taxes . Because our taxes are too complicated. People do want to be able to do their taxes on a postcard. That is what the republicans promise. What you could do to achieve that end . If the republicans started out and said lets do what we can to make taxes farer for middle class families, then i am all in. I will jump in both feet, ready to go, i will bring the donuts and we can have the meeting and ill bring dunkin. It will work, right . applause but thats not where this tax proposal started. This tax proposal started with the donors to the Republican Party, and they have been really blunt about this. Stephen that you have to get the tax cut or you guys are out. For return on investment. And what these donors to the Republican Party are saying, either you produce a tax cut right now this time, or come 2018 elections, youre not going to get the same kind of donations that weve given you in the past. In other words, this tax cut started at the top to pay off a handful of bigtime republican donors, an our only chance to fight this thing back is just like it was with healthcare, millions of people across this country out there tweeting and posting and protesting, taking to the streets and saying no. applause thats what its going to take. Stephen weve got to take a little break. Well be right back with more Elizabeth Warren. Stick around, everybody cheers and applause at tmobile, when you holiday together, great things come in twos. Like tmobile and netflix. Right now when you get an unlimited family plan, netflix is included. Ho ho ho tmobile covers your netflix subscription. Best Christmas Gift ever . So you can binge watch all year long. Now youre thinking christmas and now when you buy any of this seasons hot new Samsung Galaxy phones, you get a second one free to gift. Thats one samsung for you. And one to give. Tmobile. Holiday twogether. 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Together, were building a better california. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show were here with Elizabeth Warren cheers and applause now, senator warren, let me ask you this there is a series of sexual scandals that have created a new National Conversation about abuse of power. Yep. Stephen al franken, a comedian ive long admired and a politician ive recently admired, has been caught up in two accusations, one of which hes acknowledged and apologized for. People are calling for al franken to step down. Do you think he should . So, look, i was just enormously disappointed about this. I knew senator franken long before he was senator franken and his wife frannie. These allegations are serious, and women have a right to be heard and listened to on this. Al is going to be subjected to a hearing in the United States senate, an investigation. We have had, for a long time now in the senate, long before i got there, a bipartisan ethics commit y committee that meets on a regular basis, and hes going to go in and answer. But heres where i see this whole thing going right now, were going to watch this play out with famous men. Its happened in lots of places, lots of them are talked about, and this is a moment in america, as i see it, and the question is whether this is a moment thats a big flash and then nothing really changes, nobody feels like they have to answer, or is this a moment when theres real change . And ill tell you how i know i think were going to know its a moment when theres real change, its going to be when there is accountability for famous people, but its more going to be when the shift manager decides that maybe giving the good shifts only to women who will play sex games back in the dressing room is not a good idea, and when the jerk over in accounting decides that pressing up against women who are caught at the photo copying machine might not be smart, and when the boss decides that telling those dirty jokes and talking about whos got great and a killer ass better rethink his management strategy. When that sort of thing happens for women all across this country, then well know theres been real change. cheers and applause stephen that would be nice. That would be nice. Stephen that would be nice. So weve got to go here in a second. Quickly, its a big question, if roy moore wins, should the senate expel him . Were not there yet. Stephen where are we . We are still preelection. I think we have a really good candidate on the democratic side and the people of alabama need to get out there an i hope they support that democratic candidate. Stephen senator, thank you so much for being here. Good too see you. Stephen ladies and gentlemen, senator Elizabeth Warren well be right back with late night host desus and mero cheers and applause band playing simon and garfunkel ] the volkswagen atlas. With available pedestrian monitoring. Lifes as big as you make it. With advils fast relief, youll ask, what pulled muscle . What headache . Nothing works faster to make pain a distant memory. Advil liquigels and advil liquigels minis. What pain . Advil liquigels and advil liquigels minis. Im here to tell you how at t gives you more. And so am i. Like how when you buy one of our popular smartphones you get the second one for free. See we give you more phones and more spokespeople. Are you guys doing a spokesperson thing right now . Yes. Awesome, can i be in it . Well, its kind of like a twophone deal. So two spokespeople. Got it. Thanks. At t its time for more. Its time for more. Buy one of our popular smartphones and get a second one free. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody folks, my next guests tonight are the hosts of vicelands first late night show. Please welcome desus and mero cheers and applause band playing hey stephen thanks for coming on. This is old hat for youfies now. Yeah, its kind of played out. Stephen you started a podcast, and that became a late night show on viceland. How did you make that happen . How did you make the leap from podcast to late night show because i think its what a lot of podcasters would like to do. I feel everyone who has a podcast eventually gets a late night show. When we started, we had no idea what we were doing. We used to escape from our jobs to record it. In manhattan, i would come in a suit and he would abandon school kids. I was a paraprofessional, which is like being a teacher except kay worse. My para is in the building you get constantly disrespected by children. Youre not a real teacher i wasnt. laughter stephen is that how you can tell because you were wearing timber lanes . Yeah. Stephen your nicknames, desus and mero, your actual name is daniel and you are joel. Thanks for not saying joel. pronouncing laughter stephen you have other akas. We have seven minutes of akas. Can you give me a taste . speakin cheers and applause the super nova in the sky. Stephen im not sure what you just said. laughter do i need one . Because im just Stephen Colbert. Stephen cold cuts. Aka canadian bacon. Stephen Young Stephen cold cuts aka canadian bacon canadian because im so damn pale . Im american, not canadian. No, youre cay neand now. We all want to claim canada. Stephen speaking of wanting to claim canada, donald trump, people talk about trump and late night a lot. Do you guys talk about him . He sent us a nice bouquet of trump steaks and russian vodka so we have been laying off of him. Stephen oh, wow, i might lay off if he did that for me. I would definitely have somebody taste it first if he sent it to me. Mikmicrowave it, kill the ge. Stephen presently in season two . Yes. Stephen in season one and two did you have any nandz . Everything went up. Price went up. We and inned a gyro spinning thing on set. Stephen youre very hopeful thats lamb. No, its not. I dont ask questions. Stephen its just brown and salty. It tastes like meat. Stephen thats half the battle. You had this frizzy mixed drink thing and i said, i need six of those. A frozen machine. My map step colonel cuts knows what et is stephen ive heard of froze, but that is ridiculous, your version oft that is just meat. Just meat. As much smoked meat as possible. Stephen do you like smoked meats . Do you smoke et yourself . I smoke on the meat. Stephen did you meet libbeElizabeth Warren . She legalized weed in america. Stephen pro legalization . Pro legalization. Stephen no wonder the audience is clapping. You guys got an announcement to make for your fans. Youve got a project coming out. We have a book. A book from random house. A real book not leak the one we sell on the train. Stephen you sell books on the trains . Yes. Books are like five pages stapled together, those are real books. Its basically us giving different viewpoints on things in life. Married with four kids stephen any advice you can share . I have four kids so everybody else pull out. laughter love ya love any kids, bro my life advice is the same. Stephen thats a great way to get out of everything. Hey laughter were, like, hey stephen listen, desus and mero, thank you so much for being here. Young cold cuts in the billing cheers and applause stephen cay neand canadian bacon desus and mero airs week nights on viceland back with vic mensa cheers and applause toasting dad im not one for speeches. But heres to. To many more years of friendship. And feasts crowd [laughing, cheering] to presents a mi familia que lo es todo. To being right here, right now, with you. Sfx dog bark. And you. Toasting dad i guess what im trying to say is, heres to family. Were proud to bring your family amazing value every day. T. J. Maxx. Marshalls. Homegoods. Family is the greatest gift. My bladder leakage was making me feel like i couldnt spend time with my grandson. Now depend fitflex has their fastest absorbing material inside, so it keeps me dry and protected. Go to depend. Com get a coupon and try them for yourself. Hthey know aboutn famiFamily Tradition. 73. My favorite Family Tradition . Exchanging gifts. It allows me to showcase my tremendous range as an actor. What could this be . You shouldnt have i love it i actually brought these myself. Theres more behind the star. [ america by simon can i cross it off yet . Almost. And. Now. The volkswagen atlas. With available digital cockpit. Lifes as big as you make it. Broth, im making my stuffing. Run, who needs what . Tin foil, im makin yams. Im making my famous cranberry sauce so. A can of cranberry sauce . Get everyday essentials, priced right daily. Target run done. Of thoughts and dreams that scatter you pull them all together and how, i cant explain oh yeah, well well well youuuu you make my dreams come true well, well, well youuuu topped steak twisted potatoes at applebees. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. [ [ all ] by simon anbees funkel ] [ all ] bees the volkswagen atlas. With easyaccess 3rd row. Lifes as big as you make it. Stephen here performing we could be free from his album, the autobiography. Please welcome vic mensa we could be free if we only knew we were slaves to the pains of each other one thing i believe i can learn to see my enemy as my brother then we could be free, truly then love could wash away all the sorrows im not afraid to bleed if it means, well make a better today not tomorrow one day i dream of telling my mama you aint gotta work no more same for my father, born in ghana, down on that dirt road floor far as he came i cant complain, but pain is so subjective spend so much time countin issues, i forget to count my blessings watch my cousins back at home, getting water out a well while i watch my brother stacking stone, whippin water by the scale tryna get a mill on the other side they aint got a meal, we dont recognize, we in heaven so we think we live in hell its been getting kinda hard for me to tell but sometimes i wake up and i look up in the sky asking why im alive when so many of us died and my pride wont let me give up, lord as hard as i try in those times i try to remember we could be free if we only knew we were slaves to the pains of each other one thing i believe if i can learn to see my enemy as my brother we could be free, truly then love could wash away all the sorrows im not afraid to bleed if it means, we make a better today not tomorrow well make a better today not tomorrow i dont want to wait for the afterlife i dont want a vigil by candle light i dont want to be the new sacrifice i dont want to turn into a poltergeist be a ghost at night full of broken dreams mama cryin at a open casket cold as ice in a suit, three piece all dressed up for sunday masses pastor say, put faith in god but faith alone cant make things right who is you to patronize somebody son who daddy died . Why they flood baton rouge . Why the city singing altons blues . Why, why, why, why . I feel like jadakiss every time i watch the news now what i got to lose . So im down to bleed if it means things improve you fools, saying all lives matter but its black lives you refuse to include blocked from the polls locked in the hood, trying to stop you from voting and stop you from growing and cops keep blowing and blowing keep black people rocking the cotton they dont want you to own, but sometimes i wake up and i look up in the sky asking why i survived all the days that i could have died who am i in my place to contemplate suicide . In those times i try to remember that we could be free, truly if we knew we were slaves to the pains of each other one thing i believe i can learn to see my enemy as my brother we could be free, you and me and love could wash away all the sorrows im not afraid to bleed im not afraid to bleed if it makes a better today than tomorrow love love love make a better today, not tomorrow oh oh oh, yeah oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, yeah, yeah stephen vic mensa, everybody well be right back. Stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be john leguizamo, daveed diggs, and musical guest, gregory porter. Now, stick around for james corden and his guests, Kate Bosworth and shemar moore. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tht dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie es