Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20171102

laughter you know, i didnt beat my rugs. My rugs beat me. laughter . Rug users always have an excuse it warms up the room. It goes with my furniture. My feet are cold on the hardwood floors, like this degenerate. Sure, a good time have, a few friends over and wed roll up a fat one, but before i knew it, it was walltowall. I put it in my kids room. I lost everything. Thats the point i couldnt even foorld heroin anymore. I love heroin laughter . This is your brain. This is your brain on rugs. Thats never coming out. laughter anyone got any soda waters . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trumps tweetsplossion. Plus stephen welcomes Nicole Kidman. And Jonathan Groff. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whats up . Stephen right there right there hey, everybody thanks very much. Ing with, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. I am so proud to be coming to you from new york city, which yesterday saw a cowardly terrorist attack. New yorkers dont not terrify easy. New yorkers got back to what they do best dress up like buzz lightyear and get blackout drunk on a tuesday, because we the halloween parade marched on. The streets were filled with singing, dancing, and vomit you cannot stop new yorkers . We still put on our sexy bumblebee costumes, and hooked up with a guy who was either if clit was pretty dark in that porta potty. The point is we go on. Last night the president tweeted about the attack. Last night he shared his thoughts and condolences. This morning it was time for politics the terrorist came into our country through what is called the diversity visa lottery program, a Chuck Schumer beauty. I want merit based. We all want merit based, sir, but youre still the president. cheers and applause i i i dont understand that joke at all. I dont get it. This is one of the most divisive responses to an attack on american soil since paul reveres famous cry, the british are coming, the british are coming, a john hancock beauty. Donald trump also took some time to tweet about his proposed tax cut the Republican House members are working hard and late toward the massive tax cuts that they know you deserve. These will be biggest ever hard, late, biggest ever oh, he knows sex sells, which explains why budget director Mick Mulvaney came to work today dressed like this laughter . Jon whoa whoa stephen he looks good. Super cut. Jon hes greased up. Stephen hes waxed and oiled. You have to, its good for the leather. Oily torso is good for the torso. You rub it on a piece of leather. Thats why my couch is so nice. Fantastic, slides right off. But the republicans have been having trouble finalizing the bill. It was supposed to come out today, but they delayed it till tomorrow. And now we know why because trump and leaders cant agree on a name for the bill. Apparently, calling it the Koch Brothers allamerican, uptricklin, cashgrabarama was a little on the nose. cheers and applause jon thats what it is stephen when the whole process started, House Speaker paul ryan kicked the naming over to trump because of his penchant towards branding. Yes, hes a branding genius. Where does he come up with these inventive names trump tower, trump steaks, trump university, donald trump jr. . Hes a poetet. Hes a weaver of dreams. So what did trump come back with . Ladies and gentlemen, i give you the actual name our president proposed for his tax bill the cut cut cut act. laughter applause that name truly sucks sucks sucks. laughter in response, paul ryan, not being insane, pushed back on the naming of the bill. However, trump has held firm and has been insistent that the bill be called, one more time, the cut cut cut act. Although, ryan did manage to convince the president not to spell cut cut cut with three ks. laughter now, we thank you. Very nice. Its just jon you dont want those ks. I aint messing with the king stephen we still dont know the final name, but if trump doesnt get his way this time, hell insist using his choice for the next defense spending bill the boom Bam Chuck Norris karate chop hiyaaa bill of 2017. You know, folks, theres a simple rule in pollices. We try to live by it. Everybody in washington lives by it. You dont bring the little kids into it. Thats why i havent unleashed all of my savage burns on robert todd lincoln. But, you know too soon . You know who doesnt care about rules in politics . The trump family specifically, trumps eldest son and clone of don draper with the gaps filled in by frog d. N. A. , donald trump jr. Last night, don jr. Tweeted a picture of his young daughter holding her candy bucket and said, im going to take half of her candy tonight and give it to some kid who sat at home. Its never to early to teach her about socialism. Yes, its never too early to teach kids the dangers of sharing. laughter also, its never too early to learn the proper spelling of too. cheers and applause jon but the other o on there. Stephen i bet that other o went to a poor person. But while were at it, don jr, on halloween, kids go to door to door to get free candy from the neighbors, because the kids dont have it, and the neighbors do. Thats socialism. Also, give it to some kid who sat at home . You know halloween is fun, right . No child in the history of childing has voluntarily missed halloween. Im worried about that kid who didnt go out. Why . Is he okay . Is that child caring for a sick parent . You know what would be a nice thing to do . Give him half your halloween candy. applause but don jr. Is right about one thing theres plenty of economic theory that you can teach using sweets. For instance, you, junior, were born with many hundred grands on fifth avenue. All most people get from their parents is kisses. Now americans find themselves be twixt two choices, both of which blow. laughter Wealth Redistribution or empower a nutrageous demagogue by handing him the warheads. The top 1 toblerown 99 of the wealth, when there should be good n plenty of money for everyone. It was this way on that side. We need to be talking about things like universal heath care, which would be a lifesaver for working people. Socialist ideas outlined by the authors of dots kapital, karl mars, and frederick skittles. Or as you dum dums like you call them, nerds. cheers and applause now i know i know were having a lot of snickers at your expense, but one things for sure youre a total douche. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Nicole kidman is here. 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Thank you daddyo. Can you dig it . Jon yes. Stephen i knew you could. Which is why sometimes ill ponder lifes Big Questions, like why am i here . And where am i, again . Sometimes i need to express these thoughts, thoughts that can only be understood by lying on a beautiful hillside at night, while lying next to a deep alist celebrity. Its time for Big Questions with even bigger stars cheers and applause stephen wow, the stars are so beautiful. cheers and applause cheers and applause shhh they sure are. Stephen hey, Nicole Kidman . Hey, Stephen Colbert. Stephen dont you just love ahhhh, yeah studio air. Stephen hey, nicole . Yeah, stephen . Stephen do you think god could make a rock so heavy, he himself couldnt lift it . I dont know. But why is he making more rocks . We have plenty of rocks. Waht we could use is another oprah. applause stephen hey, nic . Yeah, steve . Stephen what would you get if you combined Big Little Lies and Pretty Little Liars . Pretty little biggies. Stephen id watch that. Id watch that. Hey, stevie . Stephen yeah, nikki . laughter what do you think happened before the big bang . Stephen oh, i think fewer people watched cbs. laughter applause yeah gorgeous. Stephen hey, n. K. . Yeah, s. C. . Stephen do you think Artificial Intelligence will ever conquer humanity . I asked my alexa that, and she just laughed. laughter stevarino . Stephen nickelodeon . laughter what do you think it is that differentiates us from animals . Stephen oh, our complex emotions, our love of art, our immortal souls. Also, were not allowed to lick our groins in public. laughter in public. Yeah. laughter how would do you that . Stephen hey, hey, hey. Yes. Stephen Academy Award winner Nicole Kidman . Yes, Academy Award viewer Stephen Colbert . laughter applause stephen why do they call australia down under . Not sure. But thats the kind of stupid thing people say up over. laughter stephen hey nicatnight . Yes, steveintheevenin . Stephen who gets to decide whats good and whats bad . Rotten tomatoes. laughter which reminds me, stee . Stephen nee . If you win an oscar but accidentally leave the statue in an arbys bathroom, you still won it, right . laughter stephen i think so. Im just asking for a friend. laughter stephen is it Reese Witherspoon . Yes, yes. Stephen hey, nicole, if you could be any superhero, who would you be . Batman . Superman . Id be kidman. What are kid mans powers . The mind of a child and the body of an adult. Stephen wow, you could be president. cheers and applause hey, steebear . Stephen yeah, colekid . Were both catholic. Stephen oh, yeah. If god is in charge of the universe, whats jesuss job . Stephen thats easy. Jesus is like vice god. He supports everything god says and walks out of Football Games laughter hey, hey, why do you think god has a long white beard . So she wont get harassed on the subway. cheers and applause stephen Nicole Kidman, everybody. 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Yep, nailed it come try my new ribeye burgers. Only at jack in the box. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest is an oscarwinning actor and producer who just won two emmys for Big Little Lies. Please welcome, Nicole Kidman hello nice to see you. applause both cheeks cheers and applause . Wow stephen hey thank you, yeah. Stephen nice to see you again, too, because many people may not remember this, but we costarred in a movie together once. Do you are you familiar with what im talking about . You dontue dont look like you are. laughter i actually did forget. But stephen the movie was bewitched. Yes, yes. Stephen okay. And you played sam, the witch. Yes. Stephen and i played one of the writers of the show, bewitched. And here is our this is our love scene right here. laughter theres some real chemistry there. Theres some electricity in that photograph. You remember that . You must remember that scene . I have the worst memory, so ill just laughter . Stephen i think you probably have a pretty good memory. Vaguely. Stephen in this scene, i came over and said, theyre ready for you on set. That was it. That was our big scene together. Yeah. I vaguely remember that. I have, like, a distant, kind of. But anyway. laughter all good. Stephen i have that effect on a lot of women. I have a vague, murky. No, no. Stephen . Kind of sad memory of you in general. You were the first person i ever a true movie star they ever saw work on camera. Because i remember the first scene i got to see you shoot with will, i think, is when you guys are running a scene in character as darin and sam. Right will farrell. Stephen sorry, will farrell. It could have been any wil. Could have been will farrell. Will smith. Stephen will smith, thats true. What other wills . Stephen wills . There are no other wills. And i remember when you turned to him in the scene and he was supposed to tbawl fallin love with you, and you turned on some light in your body, and and everyone on set fell in love with you at that moment. No stephen no, im not joking. As soon as the scene was over, will came over to me and said, did you just see what happened . Stop stephen true star power. Youre making that up. laughter stephen i promise you, im not. I promise you im not. I wish that was true. But, anyway. Whats next . laughter applause stephen so are you are you the one are you the one actor on the planet who doesnt like to be complimented . Because i love it. Im australian. We dont do well with compliment. Stephen do you not . No, you didnt know that about our culture . Stephen that is almost english of you to not think well of yourselves. Well a lot of us have originated from england or ireland. Stephen ierl, too. Youre a catholic and im a catholic. Thats very good latin. Stephen thank you very much. I studied latin at school. Stephen so did i . Did you . Gosh, we have a lot in common. Stephen did you do caesars garlic wars . I think so. I wasnt very good. Stephen i was terrible. But i like to pretend i was good at moments like this. The conjunctions. Stephen the conjunctions are terrible, torture absolutely child abuse. Oh, my gosh thats so good. Thats love in latin. Stephen that is love in latin. Thats as loving as they can possibly be. But it helps you with your italian and spanish, right . Stephen do you speak italian and spanish. Poco. O. speaking italian. Show off stephen i know. Congratulations on the two emmys. Gratsy. Stephen boom a tremendous performance on a wonderful show. Deeply affecting. And an important story to be telling right now, especially with what were learning about so many women coming forward talking about their own stories of abuse, and certainly your character suffered, you know, physical and emotional and sexual abuse. Uhhuh. Stephen your costar Reese Witherspoon said you hope this brings women to the front of their own stories. How do you think hollywood can continue to do that . Well, i mean, for us, this was you know, this was a situation where we were frustrated, both reese and i, at the things we were being offered. So we were able to go theres this great book and we should option it and lets see if we can get it made and create some good roles for ourselves and our friends. And suddenly the whole thing snowballed and within a year we were in production on this femaledriven drama that took off. And it was so embraced by the audience. applause . Stephen truly amazing story. But its a great story to tell, and particularly for other women because you go, okay, well, we can kind of our power together is strong you know. We both tried individually reese far more successfully than me. And she had done wild with the director we went with on Big Little Lies. But to join our sources together was really, really fun and gave us far more opportunity. And thats a great thing to be telling, particularly the Younger Generation as well. You can do it applause stephen well, is there is there is there going to be a Second Season . Because theres a rumor theres going to be a Second Season . I mean, we want to. Were inching our way forward because we want it to be good, but were certainly i mean, its its now moving far more rapidly than we than, like, six months ago. And were all were actually part of it is we want to explore these women and their stories further. But also we want to give more roles to other other people in the series, and particularly applause yeah. So were, like, lets go for it. Stephen okay, so you won an oscar for the hours. And you won two emmys for this. I was so glad to win the two emmys. Stephen really . Because i have the daughters, and to take home one and go, youve got to split this. It was amazing to take home two and go, you get one each. Stephen right. And you can fight with them, because theyre like theyve got those wings. Which was sweeter, winning the oscar or winning the emmys, or is there a difference in that feeling . I to say, when i won my oscar, i was probably no i was not in a great place in my life. I didnt have a partner to share it with. I was sort of i was flailing emotionally and personally, so to win an emy and be in love and have my family and oh applause but it makes its amazing because keith and i were able to go home, and i always said when i won my oscar, i went home and i was alone. And i sort of ordered some room service, and that was it which i know is like oh but theres something incredible about going home and going, baby we did it applause and thats what we did. Stephen your loved one is keith urban, Country Music star. And you guys live in nashville together, i understand. Yeah. Stephen and do you like barbecue and beer and bleep kicking . What do you do in nashville . I like barbecue, and i love the predators. I go and jump up and down. I love ice hockey. Stephen yeah. And so our team was so great last year. So. Were hoping for more this year. Stephen i understand you also i jump up and down and eat hot dogs and, you know. I dont drink beer. Stephen you dont drink beer . No. Stephen but youre from australia dont you legally have to drink beer . Thats probably why i dont drink beer. We grew up drinking shandies. Do you know what a shandy is . Stephen whats a shandy . Its lemonade and beer. And its what i would be given as a kid. Stephen in america we call that bud light lime, its traditional. We give it to our children, here, too. Legally i cant say that. No, i never had a shandy when i was under 21. Stephen no, i understand its drinking age cant be 21 in australia australia. Its 18. I still had it under 18. Stephen you have a new dpim called the killing of a scared deer. This is by yorgos lanthimos. Its hard for me to say his name. Hes the guy who did hes greek. Stephen the lobster. Of the. Yes. Stephen a hilarious movie, very dark but very funny and he did another film, which is far more obscure dog tooth. Stephen what is the killing of a scared deer about . Well, it aint bambi. Of the its gosh, its about its about many things. I cant really explain it. But im in it. laughter and its very stephen you cant explain it and youre in it. We have a great scene here. Yeah. Stephen of you with Colin Farrell who is also in the lobster. You can explain whats happening in this scene . Youre both in the kitchen together. Yup. Stephen anything else i need to know . No, i would watch the scene. Stephen all right, we will discover it together. Jim. Do you know what ive been craving . Mashed potato. Why dont you make some tomorrow . You have beautiful hands. I never noticed before. Everyones been telling me lately what beautiful hands you have, and now i can see for myself nice and clean. But so what if theyre beautiful . Theyre lifeless. Sometimes, stephen, uniform just an incompetent man who goes on and on saying stupid things like, lets do a scan. Lets do an ultrasound. Lets wear brown socks. Lets make mashed potatoes. Lets go to the beach house. Excuse me. Our two children are dying in the other room, but, yes, i can make you mashed potatoes tomorrow. applause stephen not happy. Not happy. No stephen how often do you get back to australia, by the way . About four or five times a year. I mean stephen ive never been. Where would you recommend i go . Oh, there are so many beautiful place s. Stephen its a big place, i realize. Sydney should be your first place. Stephen is that where youre from . Yes. Bondi beach. Stephen the killing of a scared deer is out friday. Nicole kidman, everybody well scared deer is out friday. 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Ask your healthcare professional if its time for a change to trintellix. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a grammywinning actor you know from hamilton, glee, and frozen. He now stars in netflixs mindhunter. Please welcome Jonathan Groff applause cheers and applause . Stephen nice to see you again. So nice to see you, too. Thanks for having me back. Stephen the last time you were here it was a different world. It was december of 2015. Correct. Stephen getting on two years later. How have you been . Ive been good. Stephen you left hamilton since then. You were famously king george iii in hamilton. Huge king george fans tonight. Huge king george fans. Stephen do you miss it . Now youre doing this great tv show mindhunter that everybody says is so great on netflix. But after you finish shooting, its not like hamilton, and you dont go back to your dressing room and beyonce is waiting there. It was, right . I talked to the cast members theyd be like, oh, my god, barack obama is in my dressing room. Do you miss that . It was a totally different experience. Because like i said in hamilton, we would have all these famous people coming back after the show. And even as king george, i was only on stage for nine minutes. Stephen nine good minutes. Nine good minutes, but it was a very social experience per me. The cast would come in, we would hang stephen you got to hang backstage. While theyre all rapping your hearts out im the white dude, just chilling in the background. laughter and then and then mindhunter was totally different. I was living in pittsburgh, and we had great, long hours of shooting, and then i would just kind of come home and eat a piece of grilled chicken, learn my lines and go to sleep. So it was totally opposite but i really enjoyed it. Stephen thats a glamorous hollywood life. Grilled chicken and go back to sleep. It was great to go from such a minimal amount of work nine minutes to the extent that was mindhunter. Stephen let me ask one more question about hamilton. Did you ever go backstage and say, i dont want to be with a famous person right now. What were you going to say . Im glad you liked the show . Was it ever awkward. No. Stephen you liked it when people visited you backstage . Yeah, its such an honor, especially famous people and artists and politicians and all these people you admired coming backstage. Stephen who is the least likely person who came and said i had . What do you mean least likely . Stephen someone who wouldnt be coming backstage at a broadway show. Good question. Stephen i dont know. , like stephen hawking. I just dont see him coming backstage to like, you know, say, you were fantastic. Im such a fan boy. Something like that. Maybe there were none. Maybe it was all that maix sense to me. All of the Supreme Court justices came. Stephen all the once. They sat in the front row. They actually won the lottery. Stephen thats fantastic. You know what was interesting, is hamilton was such an memory experience for people, so the thing that was complicated at the end was you had to handle people coming back just sobbing. You know, just like and you were sort of containing, so that was kind of the job of postshow was containing peoples emotione sobbing and people coming in saying, yeah. Stephen yeah. Now youre doing mindhunter. You can explain to the people what mindhunter is. Yeah, sure. Stephen what are you hunting with your mind . laughter in the show. Okay. Thank you for that clarification. Its based on a book by john douglas called my. Its David Finchers new netflix series. The birth of rofiling in the 70. What kind of person is this, and by doing this Forensic Psychology on this person, kind of figure out what their motivations are and catch them that way. Exactly. My character holden is inspired by john douglas who had this idea in the late 70s to go into these jail cells and interview these incarcerated criminals to see if they can glean information about their motivations and their thoughts and their feelings before, during, and after their murders to help prevent it from happening. It was kind of the birth of the behavioral science unit and criminal profiling as we know it. Stephen the thing is that its the show is great. Its a bit of a surprise to some people who think of you as a Broadway Musical star and not as a dramatic actor. Have you ever thought of trying to bring those two worlds together, maybe dramatic acting and broadway music at the same time . Yeah, its funny, because david fincher, who is our genius, the show runner of our show and our director, hes famous mostly for being a film director. And then he revolutionized entertainment through television with netflix, through house of cards and now mindhunter. And he and i became really close on the set in pittsburgh doing mindhunter. And he actually talked a lot about his desire to break into theater and to musical theater. And so weve actually been collaborating over the last couple of weeks on developing mindhunter into a musical for broadway. Stephen wow. Yeah. Stephen where are you in the process . Is there any way i could hear some of that . Well, its early workstop stages. But, actually, jon has been there with us. Hes helping us develop the music. So i dont know, we could do the stephen i know what this is. You guys worked this out this afternoon. Yeah. Stephen and i was with you also when we rehearsed . Yeah. Stephen yeah, lets do that. Should we workshop it . Stephen sure, lets workshop it right now. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present an early workshop of mindhunter the music. David fincher, this is for you. They call me the mindhunter the murderer confronter i hunt the minds of men who wont atone but way down deep within me though killers want to skin me the mind im really hunting is my own but ill hunt those minds i will catch the killers because hes the star of a netflix thriller from cannibalism perpetrators to Family Member decapitators i wont stop until i hunt all the miiiiiiiiiiiiiinds cheers and applause stephen yeah mindhunter is on netflix now. Jonathan groff, everybody well be right back with fun for the whole family. Days only its the friends and family event at petsmart save 15 storewide and on pet grooming and thousands of online items get your coupon online today. And for any bag of dog or cat food you buy well give two meals to pets in need. Now at petsmart. Tmobile family plans now come with netflix included. Thats huge. Thats right. Tmobiles got your Netflix Subscription covered. When you get a family plan with two or more lines. Really . Thats incredible. 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When real new yorkers get off work at the statue of liberty, we take the Staten Island ferry to the times Square Bubba Gump shrimp factory for an ice cold glass of new york pizza. Well, hold onto your m m store, because times square is about to get even more. Because film studio youve kind of heard of lionsgate is planning a new times square attraction that includes a mad men restaurant, a hunger games flying simulator, and a john wick ride. Yeah, pretty exciting. Of course, for the john wick ride, you must be this tall to be shot in the face. laughter the company is super excited, saying that Lionsgate Entertainment city will celebrate so many of their greatest film and television properties. Kids love celebrating properties, but i didnt know that companies could just take whatever things they own lying around and turn it into a some kind of land. Well, we here at the late show are proud to partner with our good friends at whittaker media Rights Holding company on their exciting new family fun park. Looking for a vacation that the whole family will love . Then come to whittaker media Rights Holding company l. L. C. World, full of attractions based on whatever intellectual property we picked up in our recent merger with fulton entertainment venture, l. L. C. Thrill to the grumpy old men Virtual Reality experience where youll feel like youre a humorous curmudgeon with a thing or two to say. Heard of the fast and furious movies . We dont have those but we have the rights to gone in 60, seconds. Some call the thinking mans fast and the furious. And dont forget Public Domain palace where your kids can meet sherlock holmes, drak, or seno de bergerac, or your favorite Public Domain songs and theyre always on. And head to the copywrite cantina to feast on unforgettable treats like all to your favorite Public Domain hits. Whittaker media Rights Holding company l. L. C. World. The happiest place on earth. Please dont tell disney we used that slogan. Theyre very litigious. At Stanford Health care, we can now repair complex aortic aneurysms without invasive surgery. If we can do that, imagine what we can do for varicose veins. And if we can precisely treat eye cancer with minimal damage to the rest of the eye, imagine what we can do for glaucoma, even cataracts. If we can use dna to diagnose the rarest of diseases, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. Imagine what we can do for you. What if Home Security was different . What if it looked different . What if the measure of working, was that you never had to think about it. What if it was so easy to use, you actually used it. [alarm] you have 3 minutes to exit. What if it gave you time, and what you really need from Home Security. A sense of security. Stephen thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be whoopi goldberg, kathryn hahn, and musical guests, Courtney Barnett and kurt vile. Now, stick around for james corden and his guests, mila kunis and jim parsons. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the