Trees. [ laughter ] thats right President Trump has fired National Security adviser john bolton and you have to appreciate the irony of john bolton being taken out by a preemptive strike. [ light laughter ] so National Security adviser john bolton is out no word yet on what he plans to do next. Oh, man, the patriots . [ laughter ] President Trump and Vice President mike pence held a rally in North Carolina last night ahead of the states special Congressional Election though do you really need pence to pump up a crowd when you already have trump having trump and pence at a rally is like having the rock and Malcolm Gladwell help you move i think the rock can handle it at a Campaign Rally in North Carolina, yesterday, President Trump said the democrats are, quote, not big believers in religion. Before adding, unlike me, who loves whats his name you know, the boy who was born on christmas, in a trash can or whatever [ laughter and applause what was it . You know who im talking about [ cheers and applause jeekus. [ laughter ] according to a new survey, 34 of parents say their pet is their favorite child [ light laughter ] and the survey wasnt anonymous. [ laughter ] its the 25th anniversary of the tv show friends. And in response [ cheers and applause yeah yeah, a thing got old. And in response, the New York Times ran an article this weekend titled why friends wont get rebooted but we think they should reboot and it and they should update it for 2019 here are a few episodes we think they might want to consider. The one where everyone finds out joey voted for trump [ laughter and applause the one where marcel the monkey gets me tood. [ laughter ] the one where everyone finds out phoebe is not vaccinated [ laughter ] the one where Chandler Bing changes his name to Chandler Google [ laughter ] the one where phoebe accidentally qualifies for the democratic debate. [ laughter ] the one where ross grows a man bun. [ laughter ] the one where theres a blackout so they all stay in and try fentanyl [ laughter ] the one where ross accidentally tweets a [ bleep ] pic [ laughter ] and finally, the one where they suddenly have pay a appropriate rent for their apartment. [ laughter ] this has been friends episodes for 2019 [ cheers and applause in an effort to improve its reputation, Spirit Airlines yesterday unveiled new seats that will be available to customers in november. And i think it will help because the new seats are on United Airlines [ laughter ] thats right Spirit Airlines has unveiled new seats that will be unveiled in november in the meantime, passengers are advised to hang on to the straps [ laughter ] apple, today held an event to unveil the iphone 11 which will come in black, white, yellow, green, purple and red. Coincidentally, those are the same colors that racist people say they dont care if you are [ laughter ] and finally, mcdonalds locations in philadelphia will be selling shamrock shakes this month to celebrate the start of the Philadelphia Eagles football season while mcdonalds locations in new york will be selling burgers that fell on the ground to celebrate the jets [ laughter and applause ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight he is a hall of fame tennis player and was a commentator at this years u. S. Open. John mcenroe is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause she is starring in the upcoming powerful new netflix series, unbelievable. Toni collette is here, you guys. [ cheers and applause and back to perform on the show, we will have music from one of my favorite bands. The hold steady is here, everyone [ cheers and applause so, its a great night before we get to all of our fantastic guests, here at late night, every night i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to my being a straight, white male would be difficult for me to deliver. We dont think that should stop you from enjoying them, so wed like to share them with you now in a segment called jokes seth cant tell. [ cheers and applause seth these are two of our writers, amber and jenny im black and im gay and were both women. Seth and im not so heres how this works i will read the setups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. Here we go two male penguins in the berlin zoo have adopted an abandoned egg. While two lesbian penguins opened an independent book store. [ laughter ] seth fast food chain popeyes recently began selling their first ever chicken sandwich its too spicy, said white people, about the bun. [ laughter ] seth North Carolina recently banned state funding for gay conversion therapy because research has proven you cant turn someone straight. But you can turn them gay by showing them womens soccer. [ laughter ] seth jenny, tell me why do lesbians like soccer we like anything that lets us keep our hands free. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] seth oh, oh. Okay according to a recent article, d. C. Comics is planning to introduce a black batman black batman is like regular batman except he only responds to the wutang symbol. [ laughter ] seth a micro biologist has found that mens beards contain bacteria similar to those found in fecal matter. Even worse, they contain men. [ laughter ] seth hey that joke offends me why youve never had a beard seth neither have you. Yes, i have i took him to prom and his name was mike seth oh. [ light laughter ] in a recent study, scientists have figured out why there are so many black squirrels in the u. S. It turns out they were brought here against their will to prop up the Economic System set up by white squirrels. [ laughter ] you can learn more about it in the film 12 years a squirrel [ laughter ] seth sorry, did you think that joke was going to work . Much like the people who organized the slave trade, i didnt really put a lot of thought into the consequences. Seth okay. [ light laughter ] a lesbian couple recently surprised a broadway audience by getting married on stage at the end of the show. The couple had met at intermission [ laughter ] seth i dont get it. Lesbians commit really quickly. Hey, jenny, how quickly do lesbians commit . Lesbians commit so quickly, their second date is at a fertility clinic oh lesbians commit so quickly, third base is signing a lease. Oh lesbians commit so quickly, when you get a girls a number in a bar, you put it in your phone as fiance. Oh [ light laughter ] seth lesbians commit quickly, guys. [ cheers and applause kansas city recently celebrated its first black restaurant week. A black restaurant is like a White Restaurant except youll eat what i give you. [ laughter ] seth hey, amber, do you have a favorite black restaurant . I do. Seth will you bring me sometime why you want to go somewhere where no one has ever heard of you [ laughter ] [ audience oohs hey, seth, why dont you tell one . Seth no, i couldnt come on, just one seth i feel like it wont end well oh, come on do it seth okay. If you guys tell me it will be okay i trust you both the north l. A. Gay and lesbian Film Festival opened last week and if theres one thing lesbians love, its an opening [ laughter ] [ audience oohs how dare you seth you told me it would be okay you should be ashamed of yourself seth black women and lesbians are liars [ cheers and applause well be right back with john mcenroe, everybody. [ cheers and applause i cant believe it. That sophie opened up a wormhole through time . speaking japanese where am i . woman speaking french are you crazy nuts . Cyclist pip pip woman speaking french im here, look at me. Its completely your fault. man speaking french ok . Its me. Its my fault . No, i cant believe how easy it was to save hundreds of dollars on my Car Insurance with geico. pterodactyl screech believe it. Geico could save you 15 or more on Car Insurance. vo sleep this amazing . Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our liquid has a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no next day grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. 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Its our seth our first guest tonight is the legendary tennis player and seventime grand slam singles champion who just served as a commentator for espn at the 2019 u. S. Open please welcome to the show, john mcenroe, everyone [ cheers and applause seth how are you i am exhilarated to be here seth i thank you very much right exhaust a little bit from the last couple weeks. But it ended with a blast. I mean, it was amazing match in the final. Seth well and serena got to the final so that was good seth it was a great u. S. Open its obviously very exciting to have tennis in new york city you mentioned both exhilaration and exhaustion and i feel like that must been what it felt like sunday night with a fivehour mens final you were in the booth with your brother, patrick yes seth do you ever did you feel exhausting sitting in on yourself or did you feel the excitement of the match i have if you get exhausted watching two guys battle like that, theres something wrong with you [ laughter ] seth yeah. Youre a little thick in the head seth yeah. And for us, you know, the men, to go at it like that i mean, i played matches a couple matches longer than that, so i get it. And i respect it so i was having a great time we know there is a tie breaker in the fifth set so it could only go another 20, 30 minutes [ light laughter ] whats another halfhour so it was it ended great. Seth and what do you feel like the energy in new york city for a match like that is different than any other place where you have a major final like this . Without question. Did anyone see the final [ cheers and applause i was lucky enough to be part of five u. S. Open finals. And that may have been one of the loudest, if not the loudest, when this, you know, medvedev, this russian guy, came back and took it to a fifth set so it inspires the players, obviously. Its absolutely incredible we need a shot in the arm for our sport. We the women are doing well but, you know, the men thank you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause i do have four daughters and two boys so i you know, how much it means now that the Playing Field is more level in womens game in our sport than any other sport you know, you talked about ive heard that soccer joke. Seth yeah. That was just the pervious seth yeah, yeah. Basketball. Theres no football. You know, theyre getting paid 1 20, 1 50 what the men do in tennis, exactly the same. Equal prize money. [ cheers and applause seth what if you were its absolutely true and its exactly as exciting going into the finals. And there were two Great Stories this year. You mentioned the men needed a shot in the arm. What do you think is lacking right now for the mens game well, i think our best athletes have the tendency to play american football and basketball, obviously. So we have we need to do a better job giving more kids the opportunity to play. Its too expensive you know, i have Tennis Academy at randalls island. I try to raise money with the charity. Get as many kids as possible its got to be a cool factor too. I think we had that a bit in the 70s and 80s when i was playing. Not just because i was playing [ laughter ] seth yeah, well, but lets be honest, yeah. Well, one thing we were talking about earlier today, knowing you were coming on the show, you know, i feel like the prime of a tennis player in the 70s was a lot shorter than it is now you know, it just seems like the way health and fitness has changed. The way even equipment has changed. For a shorter period of time that guys in the 70s were playing, you had such a huge impact on the game and i do feel like there was a huge cool factor to what you were all doing i think we were the doing the problem we were doing we were performance detracting drugs. [ laughter ] seth yeah, yeah, performance yeah, nothing you were doing made you better at tennis. We tried to burn a candle at both ends. And, you know, it works for a while. But it catches up to you a little sooner. These guys are incredible. They got great teams people understand how to recover quicker, et cetera but that was a great time in tennis there was a lot of personality you need that in a one on one sport. Thats why people gravitate toward this medvedev guy seth yeah. He embraced being the bad guy, which is something that i sort of wish djokovic would do a little bit more of seth yeah. Play the villain. We need a villain. I know nothing about being a villain. [ laughter ] seth yeah. But, you know, he and people, the fans got behind him at the end. Seth you of course you were you were literally the fact that you were known for a little bit of bad behavior was it ever [ laughter ] just a little bit seth was it genuinely that you were losing your temper you couldnt control or was there some gamesmanship to it . Was it a strategy to getting in the head of your opponent by losing your temper with, say, the judge . Well, if it all it takes to get in the head of an opponent is you getting telling a judge that he sucks, okay seth yeah. What are the odds of the umpire giving me the next call i mean, if he tells this guy hes a bum, you know, the next hes going to go, ill show that mcenroe. So, to me, that was sour grapes if thats all it took. Seth right, right. With all the goes and on like, say in a Football Game on sunday, you think theyre saying, hello, how are you, on orasketball . Theres a lot of trash talking we used to do more of that id like to see a little bit more in the tennis [ laughter ] seth so there was genuine trash talk of course, one of your rivals bjorn borg, there you are there. And he is genuinely a dear friend of yours now, yes i love him. Hopefully, he loves me hes probably hes probably the only guy that i didnt have problems with on the court seth oh, so you never had an issue with him we never had a problem. He took me, you know, under his wing in a way. And i got respect because of that cause he was already, like, a god. You know, he was like federrer at the time. You know, everyone loved him and he was this great looking guy. Dressed right, the girls loved him. So i was like, i want to be like him. [ laughter ] seth and he was the only guy who was nice to you. Do you feel like that means he was a good judge of character . Or a bad judge [ laughter ] was it a blind spot that he was like, i like this mcenroe kid . What do you think [ laughter ] seth so the first time you go to wimbledon, is it are you 17 years old are you i was 18. Seth 18 years old. The first time i went yeah seth and you talked about how guys have great teams now. And theres, you know, nutrition has, obviously, advanced so much but what was it like the tour did not take care of you in the same way then no. Seth as it does now you know, it was an incredible time in england in the 70s you know, punk was breaking out. People were getting on me. You know, i it was like oil and water. Me, a new york kid i mean, youre screaming and yelling all the time people are, you know they give you their opinion, right . Seth yeah. Over there theyre much more reserved theyre very proper. I was like, whats wrong with these people . [ laughter ] seth yeah. You know, theyre so well behaved here and so, you know, we clashed right away but i got a lot of support i got to say, like, if you walked down the equivalent of, well, i dont know what street you can kings road in london. It would be lexington. I dont know seth yeah. And they got a lot of support. There was, like, some freaky people around. But they were supportive the establishment in the papers which were owned by Rupert Murdoch you may know him seth yeah. [ light laughter ] they were giving me a very hard time. And theres a lot more newspapers in london than there are here there was 15 local papers. So that makes it where they looking to get you seth did you were you somebody that you know, youre 18 years old. And you were suppose to your first run to, i think, the semifinals semifinals. Seth so that was kind of unexpected, right . You were actually suppose to be there to play in the juniors right seth you end going on a sort of unexpected run. That took an unexpected run. Were you somebody then who would read the paper i mean, youre in london having this incredible run. Youre 18 years old. Initially, i read it. I thought it was the funniest thing ever i thought these people dont get it whats their problem im the one out there. You know, how why are they reacting this way . But when i came home and everyone was like, hey you the brat that you know, jerk that and im like, what do you mean . Im the same person. So it just you know, actually, that completely changed my life. You know, that first trip to europe and then in london and it just got it went on from there for about five years. til i finally won the event seth yeah. And i said, im seth so thats 81 you went yeah i said, im never coming back to this god damn place again. [ laughter ] these people are so full of it. Seth is this wimbledon is this winning at wimbledon my first wimbledon. Seth there you go. Yeah. [ cheers ] seth yeah, there you go. It was a long time ago. Seth it was a long time ago. And what was it like i mean, i think the u. S. Tennis takes better player care of its players now even just with where they stay when you, you know, when you travel for these tournaments. What was it like when you were that young going over well, they actually gave me about 500 for a sevenweek trip seth really . Seth and that excluded my hotel room seth uhhuh. No coach. Seth yeah. You know, good luck we wish you the best i went to paris first. I spent three weeks in paris, which i dont speak french i wish i did and its a great city, obviously. But it was like, what the hells going on here . But it helped i think it gave me more hunger seth sure. You got to be able to handle things on your own these kids are pampered and spoiled, and, you know, theyre not as hungry to me. You know, the top american players. So we need to get hungry players that, you know, want to be there. And athletes, you know, cause the game is so fast now. Seth i feel like hungry new yorkers is a good thing to have around if youre looking to have a bit of character on the court. [ laughter ] i think it is a very good start. Seth yeah, i think its a very good start. You if you were the commissioner of tennis, what would be things would you change to make it to improve the Fan Experience no linesmen seth uhhuh. I think would be an incredible thing because if you had the players calling their own lines, itll probably never happen. But there would be so much more of that trash talking. And youre cheating [ laughter ] and we need that in a one on one game seth so you want to take rules away [ laughter ] well, you still have a challenged system. Seth yeah. So you can call people out, and i think the fans would get much more involved seth got you so and we need to quicken the match too, seth how would you quicken the matches . You know, play lets on the serve. You could do something where the changeovers dont take place every, you know, two games seth yeah. You had to deal with people that, you know, espn wants to go to a commercial. But soccer, they break at the end of the half. I mean, theres ways to quicken this up. That i think or shorten the best of five you know, men play for five and dont you think that four hours was enough seth yeah, right [ laughter ] instead of five hours so i think mentally it is tough for players. And these guys were like two were incredible on then you can stick with and federer and djokovic at wimbledon went five hours. Seth yeah. They made a tiebreaker at 12 all on the fifth set, which is the First Time Ever in the history of tennis that thats happened unbelievable but thats, like, super human. Seth yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause did you where do you stand i feel like you have an opinion on grunting in tennis. Where do you stand on it well, you know, im not a as you get older you understand that grunting becomes more a part of your reality seth right, right, yeah. [ laughter ] but, you know, some of the players, obviously, i dont want to mention plays, maria sharapova. Seth yeah, yeah. Its gotten so bad that you cant, to me, get behind someone like that because it just feels like its so distracting. And i think that shes capable of not doing it, potentially [ laughter ] as an example i mean, i think it can be better so im not big on the grunting sometimes, you know, at the end of a 20, 30shot rally, you understand it seth yeah. You know, theyre trying theyre sucking some air. But other times its, you know, as you said, theyre using to it throw off their opponent seth got you you i do want to point out a feet of accuracy that rafael nadal did after one of the earlier matches. We have a clip of it he hit a tennis ball into the booth with you and chris fowler. Lets take a look real quick [ cheers and applause that ones gone straight into the booth. Oh, yes. Its found its way in there. Seth you kept your cool very well there [ cheers and applause well, first of all, that was, you know, great touch from rafa. You know seth yeah, yeah, yeah. Thats not as easy as it looks. But second of all, fowler should have got out of the way. Seth yeah. Hes a good play by play gut. But let they athlete catch the ball [ laughter ] seth exactly i agree with that. By the way, you said thats not as that looked it did not look easy to me at all. [ laughter ] you give me a thousand tries, i would not get in it there. What the other thing about the u. S. Open is, of course, is i would more celebrities than you tend to see at most tennis matches. When you were playing, were you aware of that . Were you ever cognizant of who was in the stands . Of course, you know seth yeah. I had louis armstrong, which is the smaller court now but it used to hold about 20,000 it used to have, you know, celebrities on the court my dad loved it. You know, cause hed be sitting next to Jack Nicholson seth right, right, right you know, im like, you kidding me im not going to get pumped up if Jack Nicholson and Keith Richards are sitting there. [ laughter ] you know, like and im like, this is incredible. So, i mean, its so to me its unbelievably motivating i mean, obviously, youre motivated in the first place but when you take a look at these guys, youre like, theyre here to come see me play tennis . Seth yeah. You better dig in harder. Seth did you first meet Keith Richards at a tennis match . I, actually, first met Keith Richards him at a concert of his and we, you know, got together before the show. Seth uhhuh. I stumbled to my seats [ laughter ] i said, how is this guy going to perform . And he acted like he had a glass of water [ laughter ] and then, you know, he came to Madison Square garden when i was playing. And i get this, you know, tap on my shoulder. Him and ronnie wood are there. Theyve come to see me play. And its during the match on the changeover [ laughter ] so, no one is suppose to get close to you and i get this taptap and im about to go, get the hell out of here and i look back, and im like he goes, its ronnie. How are you . [ laughter ] the jolt of adrenaline i got was so amazing that i beat the guy 6 love in that set seth thats fantastic. [ cheers and applause i mean, i would think if a Rolling Stone says hello of course seth you have a show coming up on netflix. Youre doing a show with mindy kaling oh, yeah. Now im suppose to not forget the name of it because they just told me today. Seth never have i ever. Thank you seth youre welcome. [ laughter ] i had it in my pocket but then seth yeah, i know. They told me once backstage and i remembered [ laughter ] well, you youre younger than i am. Seth i am. Thats true. But this is, i mean, who would have thought seth yeah. For me. Im the narrator this a series thats coming netflix in 2020 apparently [ cheers and applause yeah, thank you. Apparetly Mindy Kalings awesome, obviously seth yeah. [ cheers ] you know, we know her but her parents were big tennis fans seth uhhuh. Growing up in india seth yeah. And so they used to watch me play, you know, way back when, when the guy that guy borg, and connors and others seth yeah. So all of a sudden i get this call and eventually meet mindy and say, would you like to be the narrator of this series . I say, are you kidding me . Seth thats fantastic. Thats also, i mean, lets be honest, you could play five hour tennis matches or you could get that easy money, which is just being a narrator i mean [ laughter ] you just roll into the booth say your lines bingo, bingo. Seth yeah, exactly you earned it. Youve had a long career you know, i you know, do you have one second . Seth yeah, of course i have as many seconds as you want because one when i was about 25, i got fed up with people coming up to me and, you know, cant i just go anywhere and walk around . So i decided to wear a disguise. Seth okay. So i dressed up as jimmy hendri seth you thought youd get bothered less . Yeah, no one bothered me at all. And i went into this art store i saw a tapestry i liked and i said to the person, how much is it . And they said, are you john mcenroe . [ laughter ] and i go, how did you know . And they go, i recognize your voice. So for the past 35 years, ive been waiting to get this job as a narrator [ laughter ] because people recognize my voice [ cheers and applause seth there it is thats been the money maker this whole time finally seth finally i have one last show business thing on ask you i showed this photo earlier. There was a film a few years ago where shia labeouf played you. Thershia as young mcenroe. [ laughter ] its really fantastic how well they matched it. Did you see it i did see it. I wasnt involve which was disappointing. They didnt, you know [ laughter ] i never spoke to shia labeouf. Seth got you and so i felt like that was youll hurt the movie a little bit [ laughter ] seth yeah. But ive got to say, the only part i thought shia labeouf did a pretty good job, actually. Seth yeah. The only problem is he has no muscles in his legs. [ laughter ] seth okay, yeah. At is a very i said, i have muscles, okay seth thats a very hard thing to fake for an actor so that hurt. Seth there you go. But besides that, it was, you know, how often you get you know, you go where a movie is made about you seth yeah, thats fantastic. Got to look at the bright side seth there you go. And now youre doing voice over work its all happening for john mcenroe a narrator. Seth narrator. Im sorry. Im not narrator seth i did not mean to offend you [ laughter ] give it up for john mcenroe, everybody well be right back with Toni Collette. [ cheers and applause hey, who are you . Oh, hey jeff, im a car thief. What . im here to steal your car because, well, thats my job. What . What . . What . laughing what . . What . what . [crash] what . haha, it happens. And if youve got cutrate Car Insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. So get allstate. And be better protected from mayhem. Like me. Tmobiles newest signal reaches farther than ever before. With more engineers. More towers. More coverage its a network that gives you freedom from big cities, to small towns, were with you. Because life can take you almost anywhere, tmobile is with you. No signal goes farther or is more reliable in keeping you connected. But we were made to move. So move more live more degree motionsense made to move. I am totally blind. And non24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442142424. Face buried in your phone. Stop look up. Look both ways. Lets start looking out for each other again. Its a busy world out there. And were all in it together. Go safely, california. [ cheers and applause seth our next guest is an emmy and golden globe winning actor. You know him from United States of tara and films like the sixth sense and hereditary. She stars in Netflix Limited Series unbelievable which begins streaming friday. Lets take a look. Its no ones fault entirely. Thats the problem no ones accountable no ones looking at this data about violence against women i mean, what if men were raped at the rate women are . What if taggart was worried a stranger was gonna [ bleep ] him in the ass when hes walking home from the Grocery Store at night . This man is helping us. This is man is stepping up okay. But where is his outrage seth please welcome to the show Toni Collette, everyone [ cheers and applause seth hi, toni. How are you . How are you . Seth im wonderful its so lovely to have you here. Oh, its a pleasure to be here. Last time i saw you, you didnt have your show yet. So, i know its been a while, and Everybody Loves you, but congratulations. Seth thank you so much happy to be a part of it. [ laughter ] we met so we actually met in the hallway at snl. Thats true seth i did not remember this but i i guess i was you were so kind. I was busting for the lou. Seth yes [ laughter ] and i kind of sneaked out i dont know who was on, but i was i gotta find it, and, you know, like, can i help you . cause i must have looked lost seth yeah. And im like, i need the bathroom, and youre like its down the hall, up some stairs, down the stairwell, up, around, left, left. I was like, my head was spinning, cause its so labyrinthy out there and then youre very kind. He opened the room to his dressing room and said, just use mine. So sweet [ laughter ] seth youre very welcome yeah. Seth and then i put a plaque up and i said thats said, Toni Collette used this bathroom. T. C. Pissed here. [ laughter ] seth congratulations on this show aww, thank you so much. Seth ive watched the first couple of episodes its i mean, its a very serious subject matter it sure is. Seth its a true story about female detectives who are after a serial rapist. And you and mary weaver. And there are two things that i think are really unique about it one, its a show with two females detectives, and two, it really takes a lot of time to listen to the survivors tell their stories. Is there more pressure when you go into a project like this that is based on something that actually happened . Oh, my god, yes it its a huge responsibility and you really want to do it justice. I mean, im even reluctant to call it a story. It is a true story these people experience this. You know and yeah, its not just about the detectives it really follows kaitlyn seth devers great devers brilliant and she plays young girl whos whos kind of being brought up in the foster care system and her lifes just beginning be hopeful, and shes attacked in her new apartment. And so it follows her and her experience she went to the police it took a lot of guts to go and report it. And they ended up accusing her of a false report. So it was just trauma upon trauma for her, and then concurrently these two detectives are kind of moving toward proving her innocence seth its a really it is also, you know, not just a heavy subject matter its really an interesting narrative structure because it does have these two things sort of coming together and and while its very serious, obviously, one thing that i thought was cool is you do have a kickass car in the show [ laughter ] and i think all detectives should have a kickass car and that is yours. [ laughter ] did you enjoy driving it oh, hell yeah. I loved that muscle car. I mean, its a gas guzzler, which is not cool, but it was it was fantastic and its very representative of my character shes really ballsy, really forthright and really capable. Seth now you though, this is also [ cheers and applause wow seth it is true you that you like to drive a car pretty fast is that accurate i like to drive, yeah seth yeah. [ laughter ] was this something you believe would maybe be a career back in the day . Ill tell you what happened, seth meyers. [ laughter ] when i muriels wedding is a film i did. It was the second film i ever did. I was on seth muriels wedding. [ cheers and applause and so i was invited to drive in a celebrity grand prix race in australia in adelaide, south australia, and we had [ cheers ] well, hello fellow aussies i had a couple we all had a couple weeks of training it was all just women, actually. And i just went for it i loved it and then after that, i was actually offered to drive professionally for the female bmw team seth wow yeah. [ cheers and applause seth and what happened my agents at the time said, no [ bleep ] way. [ laughter ] you want to die tomorrow . Seth its great muriels wedding is 25 years old i know, yes seth that is so insane yeah, i know. Seth that movie was revelation first of all, i dont think ive seen Many Australian films, to be honest. Right yeah, there was a wave at the time with that strictly ballroom seth yeah. Priscilla, and muriels wedding. Yeah seth and did you have any sense going into it . That is was gonna be that no, no. Seth yeah. I was just happy not to be delivering pizzas. Seth yeah. Like [ laughter ] no, it was hugely life changing. I cannot believe its 25 years later. In fact, the academy in l. A. Theyre hosting a screening to celebrate its anniversary this friday night so seth thats wonderful. [ cheers and applause yes, its very kind and im honored. Seth you you have two kids, yes . I do, yeah. Seth and you i heard you took a road trip last year through the south. You went to dolly world. Yeah. Dollywood, man get it right seth dollywood oh, my god im so sorry dolly, please forgive me [ laughter ] dollywood, yes i know. I wanted to go for such a long time like since i lived in new york in 992000 i did a Broadway Musical and i talked with some friends about going, and i still havent been. So last year, we were living in l. A we knew we were gonna be moving back to australia and we kind of had a last hooray through the south and dollywood was definitely a highlight seth did it live up to everything you wanted it to be those rollers coasters are no joke [ laughter ] they [ bleep ] all over every other theme park theyre so scary seth really . Yes seth that see, i wouldnt think of that. I dont think of neither did it. Seth dolly parton as like terrifying thrills going hard. Seth yeah. I know. [ laughter ] seth well, there you go. Well its also really nice. They have live music being played around the park its really lovely seth yeah. Yeah. Seth although again, i dont think of live music and then people being like, ahh [ laughter ] now i hope the stereotype is true, or it seems to me its true that australians travel like nobody else well, its so far from everywhere else seth that. That when you leave you might as well just keep going for a long time. [ laughter ] seth thats true like, when you meet an australian on vacation, you realize theyre like six months into it and they have six months to go. [ laughter ] yes seth thats how its always been for me. Pretty much seth but you so you traveled a lot i have, yeah. Seth when you were younger. And now explain to me that you would shave your head . Is this a thing that is true ive shaved my head five times. [ light laughter ] seth and what brought to you shave your head . I find it very cleansing. Seth yeah. Yeah. I mean, the first time i did it, it was my 25th birthday. Seth yeah. I was in mexico. I had too much tequila, and i trusted this guy his kind of plump hands. I thought, hes doing it. [ laughter ] the next time i did it was for a friends actually, i been in nepal in india with her, and her fashion show was inspired by the hill tribes of nepal. So she asked me to be in it and i shaved my head then. Then i met my husband, and three days into what was what we now know is a relationship, i shaved my head to test him to see if he still liked me when i look like that [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause seth wait three days. Seth three days . Yeah. Seth why why did you want to test him so quickly i could have done it on day two. [ laughter ] seth you gave him a grace period so thats three. Do you remember the other ones i did one in a Peter Greenaway film seth okay. And then more recently, i think it was about five years ago now i made a film called miss you already with Drew Barrymore seth yeah. And it was shaved for my character who had cancer seth and so now do you think, is that it . Do you think youre done now well, my hair a few weeks ago my hair was this long. Seth okay, got you i could be here bald right now but i decided i should only go to here seth thank you [ laughter ] theres one last thing i believe youve seen it but i want to show it. Our friend john early. Yeah. Seth hes a wonderful comedian oh, hes so lovely. Seth he was a guest on the show and one thing he really wanted to do on the show was his Toni Collette impression he felt it was very strong and he does an impression of you in the sixth sense. Cant wait. Seth and i played in the clip i took over were you haley . Seth i was haley joel osment. [ laughter ] and he was Toni Collette and if you would just like to look over there, we would love to show you john earlys impression of you. What did ask her . [ laughter ] i asked her oh, my god. What is that do i make her proud [ laughter and applause hes hilarious. Seth he is hilarious next time you can do an impression of him. Yeah, very gladly, actually seth we will make sure we give you time. Thank you so much. This is Toni Collette, everybody. 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[ cheers and applause he shaved his head at the airport in a bar at the end to the concourse he said youre kind of catching me at a transitional time im a bright light burning into a dark hors she said ill strap on the saddl and im sorry but this citys a cesspool ive kissed and ive cackled with half of these jackals still couldnt get any jet fuel walked her out to the taxis took her out to some parties found a man with a handful huddled over some car keys it doesnt have to be pure it doesnt have to be perfect just sort of has to be worth it a residence inn at the top of the exi you pay the admission and heres what you get the stench of death in the credits the montage set to the time of your life a shot in the dark in a bar thats too brigh a window sucking up all th available light right and a clock on the bed stand with a cord to connect it liberty and justice and the master of puppets rolling off o the mattress waking up on the carpet it shouldnt have to be perfect he cant read the paper its not worth the trouble finds out about funerals from the blast of the bugles wherever he goes he always orders the usual he likes to see what theyll bring him in five hours on th carpet he visits six different planets on a spaceship shaped like a gibson marauder the pilot kinda looked like kirk hammett while he was floating in space that chick took his wallet wasnt really a dat wasnt sure what to call it that same stupid feeling but he likes his new haircut it doesnt have to be pure it doesnt have to be perfect just sort of has to be worth it [ cheers and applause seth the hold steady, everyone their album thrashing through the passion is out now. Go theholdsteady. Net for show dates. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause face buried in your phone. Stop look up. Look both ways. Lets start looking out for each other again. Its a busy world out there. And were all in it together. Go safely, california. And out of respect, we will let you make the first offer. Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes . Objection overruled. One hour. Sweeten the deal by doing the dishes and ill consider it. I wouldnt do it. I hate the dishes. One hour with the tablet, you walk the dog and do the dishes. If you insist. Congratulations. Only xfinity xfi lets you take control of your familys online time. Thats simple, easy, awesome. Xfinity xfi gives you the speed, coverage and control you need. Manage your wifi network from anywhere when you download the xfi app today. What sore muscles . What with advpounding head . Advil is. Relief thats fast. Strength that lasts. Youll ask. What pain . With advil. [ cheers and applause seth my thanks to john mcenroe, Toni Collette, the hold steady, everybody [ cheers and applause Terri Lyne Carrington and, of course, the 8g band. See you tomorrow [ cheers and applause