And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 806, amarillo. Steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it. [ cheers and applause ] this is the show. You made it, youre here, youre at the best show right now. This is super fun. Heres what people are talking about, you guys. Tomorrow marks the one Year Anniversary of donald trump being sworn in as president. [ audience boos ] so, if you thought the if you thought the first year was rough, just wait for the terrible twos. Just like [ cheers and applause ] i dont want to wear shoes. You have to wear shoes, donald. [ laughter ] actually, a new poll says that the word most americans use to describe trumps first year in office is disaster. [ laughter ] when asked to describe his year in just one word, trump said, really great. [ laughter and applause ] two words. Another scandal here, adult film star Stormy Daniels told in touch magazine she had an affair with trump back in 2006 and she took a polygraph test as she shared the intimate details. They had to call it off when the polygraph started throwing up. [ laughter and applause ] but thats [ mimics puking ] [ laughter ] hold my hair hold my hair [ laughter ] hold my hair . This is crazy, though, stormy said she once spanked trump with a forbes magazine. [ laughter ] steve god. Jimmy when trump heard that he said, fake news. It was a highlights magazine. [ laughter and applause ] and yes ive solved the maze. [ laughter ] well ever since oprahs golden globe speech, everyone has been talking about the idea of her running for president and nobody is more excited about this than our very own tonight show correspondent, Yamaneika Saunders, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] im back jimmy im happy youre back. Youre youre back, were happy to have you. Yes jimmy welcome back. Listen, you know i just had to come back because im hearing all these rumors about oprah and listen, its just stressing me out, you know . Black women are at it again, jimmy. [ cheers ] jimmy what do you mean . Whats up . Listen, its only january and between oprah and Meghan Markle, oh, black women are taking over 2018. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy so youre excited about Meghan Markle marrying prince harry too . Oh, absolutely. This is so historic. This is the first time a black woman has ever wanted to marry a fire crotch. [ laughter ] and let me tell you something, jimmy, i cannot wait to see her in Buckingham Palace, okay . cause, you know, she looks like a nice Little Princess and all that, but when she get there, that black gone come out. [ laughter ] yeah. She going to be strutting around Buckingham Palace with a a head scarf and slippers talking about, where my pork rinds at . Jimmy where are my pork rinds at . No. Now what oh, i just got so hungry. [ laughter ] jimmy i like them too. What do you think about oprah jimmy oprah oprah jimmy oprah [ cheers and applause ] oprah jimmy yes. She is going to save us, jimmy. Jimmy shes going to save us . Absolutely. Jimmy all right, well, give me an example, what would she do with north korea . Okay, first of all, if oprah is elected president , we are not going to war with north korea, were not going to war with no place where black women get their hair from, okay . [ laughter ] i aint going to war with no country that keeps my hair popping. [ laughter ] plus, you know shes going to fix that busted prison system that keeps black men in jail 20 longer than white men for the same crime. She going to be up there going, you get a pardon, you get a a pardon, you get a pardon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you get a pardon everyones getting thats great news. Yeah. Jimmy and too, she would be the first female president. Yes and we also get our first, first man. Well, actually since stedman and her arent married, stedman will technically be the first side piece. [ laughter ] come on now, yall know oprah dont let him sleep over. He going to have to take that walk of shame through the white house every night. [ laughter and applause ] secret service just looking at him going, look at him. There he go again. [ laughter ] she dont even let him have no key and she wont because its oprahs house. Jimmy thats right it is. [ cheers and applause ] so before i let you go, do you have anything youd like to say to oprah or Meghan Markle . Yes. Meghan, we may be watching you become a princess and oprah, you may be the next president , but every black woman is a a queen this year jimmy there you are. Yamaneika saunders, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] Oprah Oprah Oprah jimmy Yamaneika Saunders right there. Man, she makes me laugh. Well done. This is kind of funny, the other day a dog got some morphine at the vet. Did you see this online . It seemed like it had a pretty interesting effect on him. Take a look at this dogs face. Thats the same weekend as her jimmy whoa, whoa, whoa, wow [ laughter ] that dog was like, what if i drive and you stick your head out the window . [ laughter and applause ] ruff you guys, sunday is the big afc championship game between the Jacksonville Jaguars and the new England Patriots to determine who is going to the super bowl. [ cheers and applause ] now, its going to be a big game. As you know, at the end of the season they give out the most valuable player award, but they also give out other awards during the season. Sort of like the ones in High School Yearbooks like most likely to succeed, class clown, stuff like that. So with that in mind, its time for tonight show superlatives. Here we go. [ cheers and applause ] tonight show superlatives jimmy our first player is jaguars offensive tackle william poehls. [ laughter ] he was voted most likely to be the love child of ron weasley and hagrid. [ laughter and applause ] i didnt know that. I havent read all the books. Steve yeah. Jimmy next up from jacksonville is paul posluszny. He was voted most likely to have been built in minecraft. Oh, hey. [ laughter and applause ] next up for the jaguars is aaron colvin. He was voted most likely to take a sip of gatorade and it just dribbles out. [ laughter and applause ] next up from the patriots, we have rex burkhead. He was voted most likely to get poked in the head by a pool stick and hear someone say oh, sorry. [ laughter and applause ] dont worry about it, always happens. Next up from jacksonville is blake bortles. He was voted most likely to be named by a fish talking underwater. Steve blake bortles. Blake bortles. Jimmy next of the patriots is tight end rob gronkowski. [ cheers ] he was voted most likely to shotgun a capri sun. [ laughter and applause ] next from the jaguars, we have jeremy parnell. He was voted sleepiest shaq. [ laughter ] thats right. Next up in the patriots is chris hogan. He voted most likely to slurp his own eyeball like an iguana. [ laughter and applause ] steve ew. Jimmy next up for the patriots is ted karras. He was voted most likely to say just beer when a cop asks if hes been drinking tonight. [ laughter and applause ] and finally from the patriots we have stephon gilmore. He was voted worst gilmore girl. There you go, everybody. [ laughter and applause ] those are your nfl superlatives right there. Ladies and gentlemen it is the end of another crazy week and since theres too much to talk about, instead of giving you a a full week in review, weve decided to put together a a little montage which just focuses on the key words used this week. Its something we call this week in words. I hope you enjoy. [ cheers and applause ] doctors visit for trump himself. They checked the president s mental and physical health. cause he has incredibly good genes, but no self control. Theres a beautiful country which he just called a a [ bleep ] hole. America is open for everyone. We shouldnt treat people based on where they come from. Certain countries other than norway. Theyre [ bleep ] hole as our president likes to say. Global outrage on a daily basis. Donald trump is not a a racist. Big denial trump doth protest i am the least racist person you ever met. People are judged by who they are i made a sixfigure payment to silence a pornstar. Hush money deal so she doesnt speak. Its not even the craziest thing thats happened this week. Hawaii panic. Disconcert after that incoming Ballistic Missile alert. There was a flaw in hawaiis emergency plan. Someone pushed the wrong button some crazy stuff, man. [ laughter ] jimmy we have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, roots. Guys, come back next week on monday, jason momoa will be here. [ cheers and applause ] were going to go headtohead in a water war. Then later in the week, Alex Rodriguez will be here. [ cheers and applause ] ice t will be here. Will ferrell will be dropping in. [ cheers and applause ] and we have performances from bebe rexha featuring floridageorgia line. And also, migos. Its going to be good. [ cheers and applause ] but first we have got a great show tonight. Hes the host of the daily show. Trevor noah is here, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] i like that guy. Plus, from the new series the alienist, Dakota Fanning is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] and we have great standup from a very funny individual, jeff dye is back tonight. Jeff dye. You dont want to miss it. Well be right back with thank you notes. Stick around, everybody. Thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] new year, new phones for the family. Join tmobile, and when you buy one of the latest samsung phones get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. Plus, unlimited family plans come with netflix included. The world is not flat. You cant just pinch it or swipe it. Theres a whole world out there and no other card lets you experience it like the platinum card. Backed by the service and security of american express. singing tenders, riblets singing 12. 99 singing all you can eat. singing at applebees even if no one in your home smokes, Secondhand Smoke can be closer than you think. Secondhand smoke from a neighbors apartment can enter your home through air vents, through light fixtures and even through cracks in the walls and the floors. Secondhand smoke is toxic. Especially to children. Protect your family. Visit tobaccofreeca. Com. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back, everybody. Today today is friday and thats usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. You know, i check my inbox, return some emails and, of course, i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] and i was running a bit running a bit behind today so, i thought if you guys wouldnt mind, id just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. Is that cool with you guys . [ cheers and applause ] my envelopes, my cards my envelopes or anvelopes . Steve i say anvelope. Jimmy you do . Steve yeah. Jimmy do you say coupon or qupon . [ light laughter ] steve qupon. [ laughter ] jimmy do you say orange or yourange . Steve i say, yourange. Jimmy yeah, thats what i thought. Hey james, can you get some thank you note writing music, please . Jimmy wow fantastic steve yeah. Jimmy unbelievable. Steve oh, my god. Jimmy unbelievable. Not even looking at the keys. Steve no, doesnt even need it. 2018, baby. [ light laughter ] jimmy hes blinking so hes real hes a real person. [ laughter ] steve hes trying to send us a message. Jimmy are you being held hostage . [ laughter ] oh, my god. Somebody save her right now. [ laughter and applause ] i dont think he is. I dont think he is. Steve oh, no. I think hes okay. Jimmy he seems calm. Steve he seems calm. Jimmy he seems calm. Hes having a good time. Steve he just forgot his tie. Jimmy hes having a good time. Steve yeah. Jimmy thank you guy who accidentally triggered a Missile Warning in hawaii, for basically sending the most extreme you up . Text ever. [ laughter ] its like, yeah im up, im up, im up, what is going on. Steve this is not a drill. Jimmy oh, my goodness. Thank you sludge, for making snow look like it smoked two packs a day for the past 20 years. [ laughter and applause ] happy holidays, happy holidays kids. [ light laughter ] go sleigh riding, throw your snowballs, whatever you feel like doing. Have a great time. Its the wintertime, where your ski hats, your galoshes, and your whatnot. God bless, you kids. [ light laughter ] can you go to the store for me . Wait i have couple of coupons. Steve wait, you got some coupons . Jimmy i have a couple coupons i cut out. Steve oh, its okay. Jimmy i actually didnt even cut them out, i burned them out with my cigarette. [ light laughter ] thank you, saints wide receiver, Tommy Lee Lewis after the vikings stunning victory. For looking like everyone the moment they realized they left their phone in an uber. [ laughter and applause ] thank you, cracklin oat bran, for giving humans the chance to eat cat food. [ cheers and applause ] hey, i like that stuff. Steve its tasty, sure. Jimmy i like all that stuff, man. Steve you love it. You love grape nuts, you love all that stuff. Jimmy i do, i love grape nuts, yeah. Yeah. I dig it. Man, i eat it really quickly though. Steve do you eat it fast . Do you he doesnt even chew, you swallow it. [ laughter ] you treat grape nuts like theyre tiny jimmy no milk, i swallow like their bbs. When i sneeze, good luck. Steve oh, good luck, man. Jimmy yeah. Bing, bing, boop, bing. [ light laughter ] thank you, computer updates, for reminding me tomorrow for ten years straight. [ laughter and applause ] everything is working now, i dont need this. Steve yeah, man, its all good. I wont miss another. Jimmy thank you, winter coat pockets for being a time capsule filled with tissues from last spring. [ laughter and applause ] thank you flu season, for forcing me to figure out how to get through an entire day just using my elbows. [ laughter and applause ] steve here would you hold this . Jimmy oh, nevermind, i got it. [ applause ] thank you, sour cream, for not being called taco yogurt. [ laughter ] steve oh, gross. Jimmy thank you, white house physician saying trump has incredible genes. And if he loses a few pounds, he might even be able to wear them. There you go those are my thank you notes. Well be right back with trevor noah [ cheers and applause ] do you always put cheezit grooves in your sandwich . Of course. Theyre chips. Chips plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Oh dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. More cheezit variety, more cheese flavours. Because real cheese matters. Feel the powerse flavours. Of thenew power. Smax. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. With its hightech the cameras and radar,c. Contemporary cockpit, 360 Degree Network of driverassist technologies and sporty performance whats most impressive about the glc . All depends on your point of view. Lease the glc300 for 449 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is the very talented, very funny host of the daily show, which you can see monday through thursday at 11 00 p. M. On comedy central. Please welcome trevor noah [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow. Standing o. Thank you. Jimmy you get some new york love right there. They love you. Thank you very much. This is amazing. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its great to see you, pal. Its good to be back. How are you . Jimmy its good to see you. Im doing great. You dont have a bandage on your hands. This is nice. Jimmy this is the first time i dont have a bandage. Yeah, every time i see you, you have like a bandage on your hands, and now its just like, jimmy. Jimmy i switched it up this year, yeah. Nine fingers jimmy [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, ill work my way down to just one. Number one, man. Youre doing such a great job on the show. Thank you so much, man. Thank you. Jimmy but it is a lot of work, though, right . I mean, its packed do you have any time off . I yeah, you know, i feel like you make the time off. Like, weve had to readjust our lives now according to the trump news cycle, i feel like, as people. [ light laughter ] so we just go, like we know its like, morning wake like, you dont have a cock crowing. You have the tweet crowing. Like, you know . Thats how we wake up. [ laughter ] and then we just adjust our lives. We go, whats gonna happen, whats gonna happen, whats gonna happen, whats gonna happen, and then we chill. Jimmy but do you ever get any vacation or anything . I do, i do. Like, i took a break now in december. I actually went to bali. Have you ever been . Jimmy no. Oh, its amazing. [ cheers ] oh, yeah, if you get a a chance jimmy really . You should go. Like, bali was phenomenal. A lot of people suggested it. I will say this, though. I feel like there should be a a trip advisor specifically for people of color. [ light laughter ] no, cause white people like Different Things on vacations than everybody else, right . [ laughter ] like no, cause white people like white people always give you suggestions of things that you wouldnt want to do as a person of color. [ laughter ] like like adventure sports, is like, a very white thing. Like, theyd be like, i want to be like, bungee jumping. I want to do something craz i want to feel like life is dangerous. And as a black person, youre like, thats life. [ laughter ] so i dont want to go and do those things. Do you know what i mean . Getting pulled over by the cops is bungee jumping. Im fine. [ laughter ] i just want to relax when i go on a vacation. Jimmy you live that. People are like, you dont want to go camping . That was my life growing up. No running water, no food were like no, i dont want to go camping. [ laughter ] i dont want to go back home. Thats like ive worked hard now. I want to enjoy myself. So like, bali that was the trick. People would be like, trevor, you got to go to bali. I was like, whats gonna happen in bali . Like, its so unique. [ laughter ] and now ive learned, when white people say unique, they mean poor. But they dont tell you that. Jimmy no. Right, like its so i went to bali. And i was like, oh this is going to be amazing. And it is. Like, theres temples, theres culture, the food is amazing. The people are the friendliest youll ever meet. But like, what i didnt know was, like half of the trip was just gonna be us seeing people who dont have the best means. So like, we go to a persons house and i thought it was like, a temple. And then we talk in, and its just like like someones but house is a strong word. Its like a one room like its a kitchen, bedroom, dining room. Like a new york apartment type thing, right . [ laughter ] and then were just standing in the living room. People are like, oh, my god. Look at how they live. [ laughter ] oh, my god. I appreciate my life so much more right now. [ laughter ] can i take a selfie with you . And im just standing in the corner jimmy oh, my gosh. Can i take a selfie with you . Oh, yeah i was like, never again. But balis amazing. Go there. Just dont to go peoples houses. Just dont do that part. Jimmy no, dont do it. But youre also doing youre also on the road doing standup when you have any, like, weekends off. Oh, i loved it, yeah. Jimmy youre off to the west coast right now. Yeah, like after this i fly to l. A. , doing shows in Santa Barbara and then i do shows in l. A. And then i come back, we do the daily show. Jimmy how do you keep the energy up, though . I mean, i would i would be exhausted. Oh, but it helps when you dont have a family, jimmy. [ light laughter ] jimmy i didnt even think about that. Im alone. I travel the world by my lonesome. Jimmy oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but you know what . I get the energy from standup. And genuinely, i love seeing america. Like, i love going cause i dont just go coast to coast. Ill go everywhere, like, erie, pennsylvania. I was in cleveland recently, pittsburgh. [ cheers ] i was in yeah. I just i just go around to middle america. Just i just want to see everything, every city. Jimmy do you have any Favorite Places you like to perform . Im try clevelands one of my favorites. [ cheers ] gen yeah. Just like, i feel like cleveland has just like theyre like, weve suffered through everything. [ laughter ] theres like a vibe in cleveland where i go. Like, when i tell them about africa, theyre like, thats just like here, trevor [ laughter ] its fun. Its fun. Jimmy cleveland . Yeah, we connect. I dont know. We connect. And now theres a renaissance in cleveland. Things are getting better. Its a beautiful place. Great people. Jimmy yeah. You said that you enjoy the southern accent. I do. Jimmy yeah, you do. I do traveling down south. You know what it is . So, like, my mom is xhosa, right . So i grew up in a xhosa family. And xhosa is very musical. Jimmy yeah. It has like a bounce to it. And then i find like, the southern accent also has its like, its got a cool thing. It sounds like people are playing a banjo in their mouths. [ laughter ] its beautiful. Its like, everything when they speak really fast to each other like, i was in kentucky doing shows. And i was speaking to some people, and i was like, oh, what should i do in kentucky . And the people were like [ unintelligible southern accent ] [ laughter ] and its fun, like whats beautiful is like, if you have a musical ear, if theyre, like, having an argument, it sounds like a a mumford sons concert. [ laughter ] like, everyone is just going off. And youre just listening to people argue. Its so much fun. [ imitating banjo ] its beautiful, you see . Jimmy its actually gorgeous. Its beautiful. Jimmy thats hilarious. Oh, my gosh. [ light laughter ] how do you like hosting the daily show . Do you enjoy it . I love it, man. I love every moment. Jimmy youre crushing it, buddy. Youre doing a great job. Thank you so much, man. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i love it so much. Jimmy i love watching it. You got a great team over there, too. Yeah, man, im lucky that i inherited great people from jon stewart, and i you know, i was never meant for a job like this in my world. Every days a dream for me. Im appreciative, im happy. Even trump i can enjoy on certain days. [ light laughter ] like even i know it sounds crazy. But even trump on certain days, ill be like, oh, there are things that i laugh about, there are things i enjoy. You know . Jimmy yeah. Like i like. Hes become a part of my life. Like i like hes a a character. A character that might kill me, but still a character. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah so you find the humor and youre just like yeah. Jimmy yeah, hes just so many you know what i realized . Like, the other day, i sing trumps, like, just catchphrases in my life. Like theyre lyrics to songs. So ill just be like, sitting by myself in an airport, and ill just be like billions and billions and billions and billions and billions and someone will walk past and be like, what song is that . Im like, oh, thats just trump talking about his money. And thats [ laughter ] its like a weird like today he was talking about chain migration. Thats his big thing. You know . Because he doesnt want to, you know, pass the government funding bill. And hes like [ as trump ] chain migration. Chain migration. [ laughter ] and like, he always its so rhythmic. Like, i realize jimmy [ as trump ] chain migration. Yeah, thats exactly it [ laughter and applause ] jimmy yeah, yeah. Thats exactly it both chain migration and if you jimmy great impression. Ive never heard that impression of him, yeah. But if you but if you listen to it jimmy chain mi [ laughter ] if you listen to it, it sounds like hes doing a bad rendition of like a bob marley song. It sounds like a reggae song. Its just like chain migration chain migration [ laughter ] chain migration and the people chain migration [ laughter ] now the chain migration them come for mother turn to sons and daughters wanna be in our nation all right, im sorry, all right. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, my gosh. Its amazing. Jimmy this guy. Oh, gosh. That was a good laugh. January 30th, after the state of the union, you are going to a live show. A live im excited. Jimmy daily show. State of the Union Address goes on, and then the daily shows gonna be live. I love live shows after trump speaks, because we dont know what hes going to say. No one knows what hes gonna do, including himself, which i like. [ laughter ] no, cause i feel like were all in the same place. Hes also like, nobody know even me, baby. [ laughter ] nobody knows its exciting. I love it. So state of you know, state of the union, were gonna be going live which is really, really exciting. Well see what he says. I feel like everyone, democrats, republicans, i dont care who you are. Everyone is clinching their butt cheeks while he speaks. [ laughter ] cause it could be anything. He could start a war or he could make peace. You dont know. Jimmy yeah, yeah, you really have no idea, do you . Little rocket man is a friend. You dont know. [ laughter ] you dont know. So thats gonna be fun. Jimmy oh, you guys. Trevor noah right here. [ cheers and applause ] the daily show. Say hi to everyone for me, will you . Thank you so much, man. Thanks for having me again, jimmy. Jimmy 11 00 pm, comedy central. Trevor noah. Well be back with Dakota Fanning, everybody. Oh, youre great. [ cheers and applause ] with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. when better chickens aretal. Hatched, we will hatch them. 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For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable, switch to directv and get a 200 reward card. Call 1800directv. Keep it comin love. If you keep on eating, well keep it comin. All you can eat riblets and tenders at applebees. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guest is the very talented actress. She stars in the limited series, the alienist which premieres monday night at 9 00 p. M. On tnt. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Dakota Fanning [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you for coming back. How are you . Thanks for having me. Jimmy everything, everything well . How are you . Yeah, everythings great, yeah. Really good. Jimmy welcome back, to new york city. Thank you. Jimmy cause i know that you youve lived here for several years. But you were just in budapest. Shooting the the alienist yeah. Jimmy the alienist. Did you enjoy it . Did you like it there . I loved it. I loved it. I we were filming from march to september of last year. And jimmy thats a long time. It was a long time. It was the only thing made me nervous about doing it. cause i loved the show and the character and the people. But that was a long time to be away from home. Jimmy was it like a a cultural shock there . I mean, like, how was the food . You know, i i am budapests number one fan. Like, i absolutely loved it and i miss it every single day. Truly. I really do. But, yes, there are some there are some things, they are they are a little bit the way it, like on a menu what it says there is the way its going to come to you. You know . Whether you like it or not. Jimmy so, theres no american thats like, can you substitute the well, see i am a sub i am a a substituter. Like, i am always saying no this, add this, this dressing. Like, in a nice way, but i do do that. Jimmy i know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And i went to this like, little thai place. Where you can get like, a pad thai, fried rice, whatever and you pick your different bases. So, its like a brown rice base or a vegetable base. But the vegetables that are in vegetable base are different than the individual vegetables that you can put in a brown rice base. Jimmy i would walk out. So [ laughter ] jimmy i would, absolutely. I was like, i went in and i planned. Im like so, i think about these things, i plan them out, like, really jimmy see, thats what you should do. When youre waiting in line no, but thats what i did. So i wait jimmy i hate when people are like waiting in line and then they get up and they are like, can i try the rippled strawberry cream. No, no, i was like planned my orders jimmy you waited all this time to try . Two days in advance. Jimmy no, i want people to get up to the counter and order. So im there, and i say, i think i have the br the great idea of ill just have the two bases and just add chicken. And that was met with a a resounding hard no. Jimmy wait, so you go like, can i have base . Both bases . I was like, yeah. I want can i get the brown rice base and then just, the vegetable base too . And ill add chicken to that. No, no, no, no. And i was like, oh, ill pay you ill pay you for two bases. Jimmy two bases, yeah. Ill go lets get a third still no. Still no. Jimmy no . They wouldnt do it . It was still a no, yeah. But i kept going back i kept going back. Jimmy let me talk to your manager. [ light laughter ] its okay, i just had to go through and like, they never and they, yeah. Jimmy i heard i just picked and choose my vegetables. Jimmy i heard that you overpacked. How many suitcases i did not overpack. I packed jimmy this is the word on the street. Very accordingly for a a six months trip. Jimmy six months. I had nine suitcases. [ laughter ] jimmy i dont know, man. I think thats like but okay, so i have nine suitcases. Jimmy nine suitcases . Which sounds like a lot. Jimmy what would you put in nine suitcases . Well, i had two suitcases that were just toiletries. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my gosh. Youre like because jimmy cause budapest is so unique. I had six months of [ laughter ] i had six months of like the soap that i like the use. Six months worth. So i didnt know if they would have it. And shipping things there jimmy probably not. I dont know is it a weird is it an odd soap . Can you say what soap you use . Epicuren tropical lave. Send it my way. Jimmy epicuren . I love it. Jimmy tropical lave . Yeah, it smells like coconut. Its so good. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy epicuren tropical lave. Mmhmm. Jimmy i guess its a bar. Its not, its a its a a liquid. Like in a tube. Jimmy oh, no. So i had i had that, that took up a lot of room. Four of those. Jimmy i dont do the shower gels anymore. I think im done with the shower gels. I think its a fad. [ laughter ] this one is really amazing. This one like, you smell like, tropical lave. Jimmy no, no, no, youre going to end up going back to that bar. See if epicuren can make a bar of tropical [ laughter ] wait, so you can you flew with liquid in your suitcase . Well, how do you get past i checked it. Nine suitcases were checked. Jimmy ah, genius. [ laughter ] under the airplane they go. Jimmy yeah, okay. All right. So you got the epicuren tropical this is fantastic, you brought it to i love that you needed nine but, did your mom leave the notes in your suitcase . Oh, well, i had to call my mom to help me pack for six months because i get packing anxiety. Jimmy thank you, mom. As it it. Jimmy yeah. And so my mom, flew to new york to help me pack. And shes the reason i have nine suitcases, by the way. Jimmy yeah, thats what moms do. Theyre like, oh, you got to have this a tropical lave, yeah. [ laughter ] but there was my nine suitcases were chockfull of my moms notes. Jimmy cause you we talked about it last year. Your mom leaves little notes and hides them, like, in your shoes and stuff like that. So, you find them oh, they fall out, like, all the time. I was finding them over the course of six months. It was it was great. Jimmy see, im going to do that to my kids. It was so sweet, you should. Jimmy heres one note that you cause do you have any photos, and heres a picture of one note said, dakota, always think of others and be kind. Love you and proud of you. Momma. [ audience aws ] come on, we love you. Wow, yeah. [ applause ] jimmy i love your, momma. How cute is that . Are you kidding me . Give her give her our best, will you . I will, for sure. Jimmy lets talk about the alienist. Yes. Jimmy i read a third of this book. [ laughter ] thats a lot for me. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy yeah, i have a. D. D. And i just go onto another book. But its fantastic. Yeah. Jimmy do you want to set up and tell everyone what its about, i mean this is, 1890 set in 1896, new york city. Jimmy teddy roosevelt. Teddy roosevelt, is the Police Commissioner so its sort of, that era in the city. An alienist is, an oldfashioned term for a a psychologist. This is kind of, when sci its the birth of psychology. Its the birth of forensics and so daniel bruhl plays dr. Kreizler, who is the alienist. And my character, sara howard, is the first female to work for the new york police department. And then luke evans plays an illustrator for the new york times. And we sort of come together to form this under the table Investigative Team to hunt down this serial killer thats murdering young boys in the city. And were kind of working through the corruption within the police department, and the inequality in the city during that time. And the, kind of, new inventions that are happening all over the place. Jimmy its nasty it was nasty back then. It was, it was. And so we really, we had such a a great team of people, who created new york city and all the way in budapest. It was amazing. Jimmy why would go to budapest to create new york city . When you live in new york city. I know, right . [ laughter ] you know, if you saw our sets and the back lots that we were able to build there you would understand. And also some of the real streets that we were able to use in budapest. There are some amazing buildings and architecture that really suited, especially upperclass new york city. That still exists in hungary, so. Jimmy how fun. I cannot wait. I want to show everyone a clip here. Heres Dakota Fanning in the alienist. Take a look at this. [ typing ] miss. John moore. Hello . What are you doing here . Ive weve come to see the commissioner. Sara and i i am ms. Howard. An employee of the new york police department. You will please accord me the respect that my position demands. Our families have long been acquainted. Ms. Howard is the first woman to hold a positon with the police department. Excellent, perhaps ms. Howard can help arrange an impromptu meeting with the commissioner. And how should i help do that . With my especially rosy mouth . Or my sparkling blue eyes . Sara, i did not ms. Howard. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Dakota Fanning, Dakota Fanning, everybody the Series Premiere of the alienist is monday night at 9 00 p. M. On tnt. Well be right back with standup from jeff dye come on back [ cheers and applause ] this this this this is my body of proof. Proof of less joint pain and clearer skin. This is my body of proof that i can take on Psoriatic Arthritis with humira. Humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. Its proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. Humira is the 1 prescribed biologic for Psoriatic Arthritis. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. 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Mom stuffynosecold nosleep mouthbreather just put on a breathe right strip it instantly opens your nose. Up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone go to breatheright. Com today to request a free sample. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my next guest traveled europe alongside Henry Winkler william shatner, terry bradshaw, and george foreman. You can follow their journey on the nbc series better late than never monday nights at 9 00 pm, here on nbc. Please welcome back the very funny jeff dye, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Its great to be back on the tonight show. [ cheers and applause ] yes. What can i tell you . I am single. [ cheers ] yeah. I had a girlfriend and then she was like, i want to get married and have babies. And i was like, youve changed. [ laughter ] this is not the woman i met. Used to be happy with fish stick friday, and now [ light laughter ] i do well with the ladies. At first, because im fun. But what happens is they have a a lot of fun with me, and then they get really frustrated and they snap. And theyre always like, god, why cant you be serious . Youre so immature. And im like, eh, youre so immature. [ blows raspberry ] [ laughter ] of course im immature. There is no reason to grow up when youre me. Right . Im at work right now. Does that blow anyone elses mind . [ laughter ] this is me being professional. [ applause ] yeah, im working five minutes tonight. Drunk. [ laughter ] im only dressed like this because the tonight show made me. [ light laughter ] i spent my whole day like an eightyearold with cash. I love video games and pro wrestling. Once a week i throw up because i ate too much candy. Im an idiot. You know . I dont even want a a girlfriend, to be honest. I just want, like, a hot baby sitter. Just a beautiful woman thats like, when youre done playing donkey kong, lets have sex. And im like, okay. [ light laughter ] let me just find a save barrel. [ light laughter ] like, the other day i was on an airplane, and there was an empty seat next to me. And then i hoped that a a beautiful woman would sit in the seat, and we would hit it off, and that would be, like, our story. But instead the Flight Attendant brought a 5yearold little boy. [ light laughter ] she plopped him in the seat. She buckled him in. And then she leaned over, she goes, all right, when the plane lands, a lady dressed like me is gonna take to you your parents. But til then, just sit tight. And then she left. [ laughter ] she left me with a child. I dont know anything about childs, right . [ laughter ] like, kids, you know what i mean. So i was scared. And i looked over at him and he was, like, really scared. He was like, visually wrecked. He was like, gripping the sides of the seat, and hes looking straight down. And i wanted to let him know that there wasnt nothing to be afraid of. So i tried to start a a conversation with him. And i was like, hey, buddy, youre flying all by yourself, huh . And he was like [ light laughter ] i was like, youre like a real adult. Hes like, hm. [ laughter ] now i thought he was gonna say stuff back to me. [ laughter ] so im uncomfortable. I dont know what to do. So what i decided to do was tell a joke. cause thats how i make people like me in real life, is with jokes. So i try a joke. But i didnt know, little kids dont get all the jokes. [ laughter ] but i tried. And i was like, so what do you do for a living . Are you a doctor . And he looked up at me. Hes like [ laughter ] no. I was like, well, that was a a joke, stupid. [ laughter ] so now my feelings are hurt, right . So i was like, forget him. I dont need this guy. I dont care. Hes the one being a baby about the plane. I put my headphones on. Screw him. I dont need him. [ light laughter ] and then after a like, a few seconds, i felt a tiny little tug on my shirt. And i look down, and hes trying to strike up a a conversation with me. [ audience aws ] i take my headphones off. I was like, yeah . And he goes, um, did you like the movie a bugs life . [ audience aws ] i was like, uh, i loved a bugs life. [ laughter ] we had the best conversation ive ever had in my life [ cheers and applause ] it was insane we talked about how many times we saw it. Who we saw it with. Who our favorite characters are. Were doing impressions back and forth. Were having a great time. Right . And the whole reason i share this story is because about minute fifteen of the conversation, i started to panic. Like, is this where i am maturitywise . [ laughter ] ive had millions of conversations with adults. Never once enjoyed it as my first conversation with a baby. Right . [ light laughter ] so im actually rooting for this conversation to end. Just to prove to myself im a a man. So after about 25, 30 minutes [ laughter ] the conversation ramps down and im like, all right, good. Im a man. Hes a kid. Were good. I put my headphones back on. No sweat. But he wasnt done talking, evidently. cause immediately i feel another little tug. I was like, yeah . And he goes, um, jeff, do you like quesadillas . [ laughter ] [ applause ] i love quesadillas were right back in it. It was insane. I had no idea little kids were so awesome. I was like kid got off the plane, i felt like i lost a a friend. [ audience aws ] i was like, should we Exchange Information . Hes like, i dont have information. [ laughter ] how cool is that . No i. D. , no smartphone. Hes just rogue. [ laughter and applause ] you guys have been great. Thank you so much [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey hey, that was great. Jeff dye [ cheers and applause ] jeff dye. For more on jeff, visit jeffdye. Com. Well be right back, everybody. That was great. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my thanks to trevor noah, Dakota Fanning. Jeff dye, once again. [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching. Have a great weekend. I hope to see you next week. Byebye, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight jordan peele, from the commuter, actor, patrick wilson, comedian, lewis black, featuring the 8g band with allison miller. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] seth good evening, im seth meyers. This is late night how is everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause ] that is fantastic to hear. In that case, lets get to the news. Former White House Press secretary, sean spicer, said yesterday that Oprah Winfrey does not have enough political experience to run for president. [ laughter ]
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