Comedian pete lee, and featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 801, utah steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, i love you i love you. Welcome. Welcome, everybody. Thank you so much for being here to the tonight show you are at the tonight show [ cheers and applause ] welcome to heres what people are talking about. It came out during a meeting on immigration yesterday, trump referred to african countries and haiti as well i cant say the word on tv, but lets say sholes. [ light laughter ] right after that Sarah Huckabee sanders went out and got sfaced. [ laughter ] she was like, oh tomorrow tomorrows going to be rough [ cheers and applause ] steve wow. Jimmy thats right, the president of the United States actually said that about other countries, so to everyone who thought 2018 would be better than last year, that lasted a a whole eleven days. Steve yeah. Jimmy so i hope you enjoyed it. [ cheers and applause ] fun while it lasted. Actually, he said he wanted fewer immigrants from haiti and africa, and more immigrants from norway. [ light laughter ] even steve bannon was like, looks like i got out just in time. [ applause ] later, dude. This comes after the white house released a video that shows all the highlights of trumps first year in office. Take a look at this. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow. Steve i mean, what is going on . Jimmy well now lets take a a look at what the democrat released to sum up trumps first year in office. [ shouting ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy pointing at stuff. Steve putting on a hat. Putting on a hat was one of the highlights. Jimmy yeah. Hey guys, the nfl playoffs kick off tomorrow with the Atlanta Falcons facing off against the Philadelphia Eagles. Now [ cheers and applause ] Atlanta Falcons, Philadelphia Eagles. Now as you know, at the end of the season they give out most valuable player, but they also give out other awards during the season, sort of like the ones in high school yearbooks, like most likely to succeed, class clown, stuff like that. So with that in mind its time for tonight show superlatives, here we go. Tonight show superlatives jimmy first up for the Philadelphia Eagles is jason kelce, he was voted most likely to be the love child of nick offerman, and haley joel osment. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] next up from the eagles is jalen mills who was voted most likely to ask his barber for the par three. [ applause ] next up for the falcons is derrick coleman. He was voted most likely to flirt with himself when he walks past a mirror. [ laughter and applause ] looking good, derrick. Next up from the eagles we have halapoulivaati vaitai. He was voted most likely to accidently awaken an ancient spirit whenever he says his name. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] houla vatu prota. [ growl ] [ laughter ] next up, from the falcons is eric saubert. He was voted most likely to be swallowing a watermelon whole. [ laughter ] how are you doing that . Amazing. [ gulp ] next up is falcons starting quarterback matt ryan. He was voted most likely to prepare for a date by wearing his romance slacks. [ applause ] it goes great with my seduction loafers. [ laughter ] next up for the eagles is wendell smallwood. He was voted most likely to wink, and say, it aint though, after he introduces himself. [ laughter ] [ applause ] bigger than average wood. Yeah steve alright, we got it. Jimmy next up for the falcons is matt schaub. He was voted most likely to be Steven Miller learning how to smile. Can we [ laughter ] yep. There you go steve yeah. [ applause ] next from the eagles we have dannell ellerbe. He was voted most likely to be a teen who just got their phone taken away. You guys dont get me. Next up from philadelphia is bryan bramen. He was voted medieval james corden. [ laughter and applause ] and finally from philadelphia we have jake elliot. He was voted most valuable intern. There you go. I just [ cheers and applause ] im just here for the experience. Thats the superlatives right there. Your nfl superlatives. Well guys its the end of another crazy week, and since theres too much to talk about, instead of giving you a full week in review we decided to put together a little montage, that just focuses on the keywords used this week. Its something we call this week in words. Hope you enjoy. [ cheers and applause ] happy new year. Im wondering whats next. I still write 1987 on my checks. Yeah. Fire and fury is flying off the shelves and a fire on the roof of trump tower as well. My roof, my roof, my roof is on fire. Author Michael Wolff is defending his depiction. The white house is claiming a grotesque work of fiction. Bannons career is even harder to find. He not only lost his job, but lost his mind. Trump came out swinging. He is ready to fight. Because of the books assertion that hes not very bright. Uh. Something to look forward to. Something that should be evident. In 2020. Vote oprah for president. Fake it [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have a great show tonight give it up for the the roots [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have got a fun show tonight. We love it when he stops by. He is the star of nbcs the blacklist, celebrating their 100th episode, james spader is here ladies and gentlemen. Steve yeah jimmy james spader [ cheers and applause ] plus her new album camila, is available today, Camila Cabello is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] love her. And we have great standup from pete lee, ladies and gentlemen, very funny individual. [ cheers and applause ] hes been here before. Pete lee is coming back to the tonight show. Guys today is friday and thats usually when i catch up with some personal stuff, you know, i check my inbox, return some emails, and of course i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] well, i was running a bit behind today so i thought if you guys wouldnt mind id like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. Is that cool with you . [ cheers and applause ] james, can i get some thank you note writing music please . [ laughter ] unbelievable. Fantastic. Thank you. Thank you people who joke that theyre still writing 2 2017 on all their checks for making me wonder who still writes checks. [ laughter and applause ] thank you steve bannon leaving breitbart. Now youre free to pursue your dream job, being the before model for literally anything. [ laughter and applause ] good for him. Thank you kim jongun for turning 34 this week. I really like the theme of your party, mandatory. [ laughter and applause ] were having fun. Were having good steve yeah, great. Jimmy were having good, and were having fun. Thank you Christmas Trees being thrown out in the street, for looking like everyone just went through a bad break up with santa. [ laughter ] get out of here nothing to do with you anymore. Whose stockings are these . [ laughter ] steve dont call me a a hoe. Ho, ho, ho. Jimmy okay. Thank you Cross Country skiing for being the perfect sport for people who like skiing, but wish it took ten times as long, and wasnt fun. good exercise huh . Yeah, you said that three hours ago. [ laughter ] its really good exercise. Thank you, wearing colorful socks, for sending the message to your shoes, just between you and me, im fun. [ laughter ] i dont have any fun socks, though. Steve really . Jimmy no, normally during the show i wear just normal, yeah black socks or blue socks. Thats my sock. James, do you have fun socks . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] steve oh jimmy he doesnt wear socks. Steve yeah. Jimmy thank you old apartment radiators for never making the same noise twice. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ mimicking radiators ] steve steamed heat. [ light laughter ] jimmy thank you asking someone to go ice skating, for basically saying, you want to almost fall down for an hour. There you go, everybody, those are my thank you notes. Well be right back with more of the tonight show. [ cheers and applause ] sometimes a little thing. Can feel like a. Big bad thing but then we do our taxes with turbo tax. If youre nervous, they have real, live help you can talk to. Hi, turbo tax lady can i claim a mask as a deduction . Yes, if its required for work. Well, goody gumdrops see, nothing to be afraid of at all. Intuit turbotax its time for sleep numbers lowest prices of the season on the only bed that adjusts on both sides to your ideal comfort your sleep number setting. And snoring . Does your bed do that . Its the lowest prices of the season on the queen c4 mattress with adjustable comfort on both sides. Now only 1199, save 400. Plus, 36 month financing available. Ends monday. Visit sleepnumber. Com for a store near you. Whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. Nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. And all day all night protection. When it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. Ohhhhhh, ou guess what i just got . Uh i used to be spellbound hello again. I used to be spellbound hi. I used to be spellbound thats a big phone. In your arms. [screams] ah, my phone. You built the flame that warms my heart, but lying and cheating has torn us apart and im moving on. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back everybody. Here at the tonight show we love songs, and we especially love songs written by our audience members in under an hour. It is time for battle of the instant songwriters. Here we go. The song now im singing the song now by the song by the song [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, my gosh. Excellent. Welcome to battle of the instant songwriters. Before the show we went through our audience and picked out two people who said they were musicians. We gave them each a made up song title and gave them an hour to write an original song based on that title. Heres a shot of them practicing backstage a minute ago. Look at that. There you go. Very interesting. Cant wait to see what they come up with. Lets meet the contestants right now. Come on over guys [ cheers and applause ] hey, jimmy. Nice to see you. Jimmy thank you. Welcome, welcome to the show. Lets start with contestant number one. What is your name and where are you from . My name is melinda and im from pennsylvania. Jimmy hey, melinda from pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] melinda thank you so much for being here. What was the title of the song that you were given . Its called texting with my dentist. [ laughter ] jimmy ah. Ah, classic. Classic title. And what instrument will you be playing . The guitar. Jimmy i love the sitar. [ light laughter ] the guitar. Jimmy well, yeah. [ light laughter ] please take a seat over there on the stage and go get ready. Get yourself ready and want to give you a big intro. Melinda [ cheers and applause ] and now ladies and gentlemen, here to perform the World Premiere of the soon to be classic, texting with my dentist, on the guitar, its melinda may. [ cheers and applause ] oh my god im blowing up its my new friend im like whats up its my dentist texting my dentist he knows i eat too many sweets oral surgery at 19 yes he knows everything about the inside of my mouth [ light laughter ] now hes about to see the kind of things that come out texting my dentist [ cheers and applause ] im texting my dentist when i look up from his chair and your eyes ill get lost in ill never lie to you unless you ask how much im flossing [ cheers and applause ] im texting my dentist jimmy oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] give it up for melinda may, right there that was incredible. Melinda, come on. [ applause ] come on over here. Oh, my god. Yeah, you cant lie about flossing. Lets meet contestant number two. What is your name and where are you from . My name is nat osborn, im from brooklyn, new york. Jimmy hey, brooklyn boy. [ cheers and applause ] nice to see you buddy. Nice to meet you. Jimmy welcome nat, i appreciate it. Now tell everyone what your song title is. My song title is prepare for two inches tonight. [ laughter ] weather related song. Jimmy weather related song. Of course. [ light laughter ] its that time of the year. What instrument will you be playing . I will be playing a piano keyboard. Jimmy an organ. Exactly. [ laughter ] jimmy why dont you take a a seat over there. And get ready. Get in the zone. Challenge it. Challenge that energy. Get ready. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the World Premiere of prepare for two inches tonight, by nat osborne. [ cheers and applause ] these new york city winters got me shivering or maybe its the thought of your perfume the weatherman is saying to stay in tonight so i lite every candle in my room yeah well im not trying to leave im thinking maybe baby we could take this deeper i hope your ready for everything ive got so you will take care dont despair but prepare for two inches tonight [ cheers and applause ] jimmy nat, get over here. Thats classic. [ cheers and applause ] good job. Jimmy prepare for two inches tonight. There you go. Its time to see it is time to see who won. Were gonna let our great audience decide the winner. Now was it melinda . [ cheers and applause ] or was it nat . [ cheers and applause ] the winner is nat ladies and gentlemen. Nat [ cheers and applause ] nat you will be going home with 1,000 and a tonight show notebook for writing more songs. Oh man, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you so much. That was hilarious. That was great. But nobody goes home empty handed. Our other contestant will get a a tonight show notebook. [ cheers and applause ] and 1,000. [ cheers and applause ] give it up for your two new instant songwriters right there. Congratulations buddy. Congratulations. Stick around, well be right back with james spader everybody. Hey, you were fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. 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Well h r block more zero lets you file online for free even if you itemize deductions. Turbotax doesnt do that. Oh man. At this point, it kind of just seems like you hate money. Yikes that was not me. I think somebody touched something. Unlike turbotax, h r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. A more free way to file. Get your taxes won. And were gonna get the phone his phone,ry sorry. Uh out of you. The important thing is that were going to make you better. voiceactivated doubletone okay. Heres how to make butter. Pour two thirds a cup of cold heavy cream into a one cup canning. Snickers® satisifes. Feel the power of thenew power. Smax. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest, aw, we love him so much. I wish he was on every night. I just love talking to this guy. Hes an emmy winning actor who stars on the blacklist which will air its 100th episode wednesday january 17th at 8 00 p. M. , right here, on nbc. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome james spader. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats what im talking about james spader, on the tonight show hes back. Hes back in black, james spader, please. It was acdc wasnt it . Jimmy oh yeah, yeah. Oh, it definitely was, how are you buddy . Im great. Jimmy always great to have you on the show. You always look sharp. Thank you. Jimmy we were talking quickly backstage, cause i wanted to save it for out here. But you you quit smoking . Is that true . I did. In the last jimmy this is [ cheers and applause ] good for you. I recommend it. [ laughter ] really. Jimmy yeah. This is jimmy have you tried before . I had. And the first time around was, probably about 17 years ago 18 years ago. And it was miserable. I mean, i was miserable. And i was off for probably ten years. And i was miserable the entire ten years. [ laughter ] i mean, i really was i jimmy sorry to laugh, i thinking about something else. [ laughter ] but, no you i dont want you to be miserable. Thats right jimmy i didnt want you to be, i didnt want you to be miserable. No i resented everyone that was happy that i had quit. [ light laughter ] jimmy so if someone came up and said, im so happy. No, i just, i mean, if people if people were saying jimmy please, mind your own business. That they might want to quit, i would try and talk them out of it. [ laughter ] i just was it really and it changed my life so dramatically, in such a a terrible way. I mean, truly in that i just became this sort of angry i even resented myself for having put myself through it. So, i sort of just said, you know what, the hell with you, just eat like a pig. And, you know, so i also gained, like, 30 pounds. Or 40 pounds or something when i quit. Yeah. I just, i ate whenever i wanted, i just it was miserable. I hated it. And jimmy start smoking. It lasted about ten years and i started again. And this time it was so easy, it was so perfect. And it was all because of this book. Jimmy what is the book . Its called allen carrs easy way to quit smoking. Jimmy allen carrs allen carrs easy way to quit smoking. He also jimmy what is his step one . He also has a diet book, i mean, but the great thing about the book is, he also [ light laughter ] he insists that you keep smoking while youre reading the book. And then when you finish it you stop. So, i took i mean, the books about this thick, okay . And poorly written with big letters. [ light laughter ] and i took months to read it, because im smoking. [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] jimmy i want to hear what this guys gonna say. Yeah, no, hes urging hes urging me. I was rereading chapters [ laughter ] jimmy highlighting stuff. Yeah. I was like, this is great passage id say to leslie, you know. Jimmy classic. Yeah, exactly, yeah. [ laughter ] id say, honey, you dont understand, this is a great chapter, here. Im rereading it. [ laughter ] light up again, you know. Jimmy and then when you were done. And then i stopped and i just stopped. I didnt do any oh, but that was the other thing is i also think it was just based on this sort of stubbornness. You know, i really cause i decided since the last time was, you know, such a a failure, i decided this time that i was that i was going to quit smoking and lose weight. Jimmy so, youve done both . You quit smoking and you lost weight . I did. Ive lost weight i lost weight. Now i quit, you know, about a a year ago, some somewhere around then. So, now ive put it on, because now i just sort of gave up on the losing the weight part. [ light laughter ] but it really did work at the time. I lost weight and quit smoking. And im telling you its a a great thing. Jimmy but the good news is that this man has written hes also written one about losing weight, now i dont know how he handles that, like eat as much as you want while youre reading the book. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, this guys fantastic. Like, when you finish the book jimmy i love this diet already. Thats the end of the eating. You know. Jimmy and youre really milking this book. Youre like, honey, check out this chapter. Do we have any ice cream . [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, exactly, you got to do all that. Well, im happy you quit. And im happy you are healthy. And you are just the greatest. We love it when you come by. Congratulations on blacklist the 100th episode is coming up. [ cheers and applause ] thats a giant deal. Thats a big deal. Its a lot of t. V. Thats a lot of hours that go into work. Many hours. Jimmy i know, but no, but this is a big deal. No, i agree. I mean, it is, it is. Jimmy and i see you got a a special guest star, one of our favorites nathan lane oh, my gosh, yeah. Jimmy nathan lane is on the show. And i love the guy. I do, too. Jimmy so hes going to i was a fan of i mean, im just such a great fan of his. I mean, i really i just wanted to hang out with him on the set. I really just wanted him on the set. So, anyway this episode came up and so the writers had called him. They said, you know, we have a a list, you know were thinking about you know people that might be right. And they said, you know, right off the bat, you know, nathan lane might be right. And what would you think about that . I said, oh, abs nathan would be perfect. I hadnt read the script. I hadnt i had no idea what the role was. Jimmy whatever it was. Hes perfect. [ talking over each other ] whatever it was, i couldnt give a [ bleep ]. I really, i just wanted [ light laughter ] so, sorry. Yes, nathan is perfect for it. Jimmy whatever needed. Yeah, exactly. Nathan is great. And anyway, watch it, cause he jimmy yeah, good. I want to show you a clip, here is james spader in the 100th episode of the blacklist. Take a look at this. Everyone loves hidden treasures. Yamashitas gold. The oak island money pit. Hell, even d. B. Cooper, which was more of the mystery and less of a treasure hunt. Really . Thats what you love . The mystery. Mystery. You know why . Robert louis steveson. Yes, edgar allan poe. The gold bug oh, what a a story. Has everything. A delirious search for treasure, the descent into madness, along with ciphers and bugs. A skull nailed to a tree. What a yarn. If he actually has the locations of the other coins, this could be a massive discovery. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i did not see that coming at all. James spader, everybody. The blacklist airs wednesdays at 8 00 p. M. On nbc. Set your dvr. James spader, everybody. Well be right back with Camila Cabello. [ cheers and applause ] mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. 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Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Want more proof . Ask your rheumatologist about humira. Humira. Whats your body of proof . Woman so, greg, its a lot to take in. Woman 2 and i know thats hard to hear, but the doctors caught it early. Hi, blake my dad has cancer. Woman and i know how hard that is to hear. But youre in the right place. Man and dr. Pascal and her team, they know what to do. They know what to do. The doctors know what to do. So heres the plan. First off, were going to give you all. voice fading away [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guest is one of the biggest names in music right now. Her brand new album, camila is available now. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Camila Cabello. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy come on down, please lets talk about this look at it. Jimmy lets talk its real its real its out its really happening jimmy its out your album is out. Its finally out. Congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] you were here earlier in the week, and now your album is finally out. Are you so so exciting jimmy really . Yeah, im so excited. Jimmy i mean, you must be flipping, yeah. cause last time you were here, you did havana oohnana yes jimmy or two times ago two times that was my First Time Ever performing the song, too, actually. Jimmy man, oh, man. Like on tv. Jimmy and it was just and then the next day, trending and then top of the charts and then the biggest thing in the world. [ laughter ] and then i was like, yes it was so good. Thanks jimmy what a performance, what a song. You just did jingle ball yeah jimmy at at Madison Square garden. Oh, my god, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i mean, big time, so this is like a giant gig. I mean, this is one of the biggest gigs you can get madison youre at the garden. I i ripped my pants that show. Did you did you know that . Jimmy yes, i did and i have a photo of it [ laughter and applause ] but i dont have a photo of that. Its just a photo of you and it says, me trying to look chill, trying to cover up the fact that my pants just ripped. My face looks good in that picture, though. Jimmy yeah your face looks good. [ cheers ] you kept your cool. You said you ripped it midsquat. Dude, i dont know how i literally heard the rip. [ light laughter ] but my inears were in, and so my song is like blasting, you know, full out, and i still hear this like but, you know, the show must go on. Jimmy but i mean hopefully it did but i mean, you just you went down, you did like a move, like havana. Yeah it was during it was during a squat and then i just i heard the rip and it was i just knew. Jimmy and then what do you do, though there . Do you just stay midsquat . You just go like you guys have been great, love you guys. New york city you guys are the best, man oh, my god, no. And theres literally parts of the choreography where i turn around too and i was like, i dont know whats going to happen right now. So i didnt remember if i had like booty shorts or whatever, or if it was but i just i just kind of had to keep it going and then there was like, obviously pictures on the internet of, you know, like the rip. But i was wearing booty shorts, so its its good. Jimmy well, youre a pro, man. Obviously, i saw you i saw you on new years eve. Yeah. Jimmy and i got to say, it was freezing, i dont know how you could sing its too cold to watch. Well, i dont know if this is true, but there was like a wasnt there a negative 100 degree wind temperature here . [ light laughter ] jimmy yes i feel like one of my fans jimmy you went at the bomb cyclone, yeah. We got the bomb cyclone. Very, very, very popular thing here, but its insane. Jimmy but did you get to watch the ball drop . Yeah, oh, my god, yeah. Its its crazy, though, its kind of bittersweet, because when you go into the ball drop thing, they dont let you bring your family up with you. So i had my i had my family in for new york, but like and during the ball drop moment, we usually do this thing cuban people do this thing where we have 12 grapes and we eat them during the last 12 seconds and we make like a a resolution or a wish for each grape that we eat. But anyway, thats a whole other story. Jimmy wait, you eat 12 grapes in 12 seconds . [ laughter ] yeah, like the last the last 12 seconds youre like, uh, good health, get a a boyfriend. [ laughter ] yeah. Jimmy all right, so you have no grapes . Yeah, so it was basically, it was just me and then i had like nick jonas and Ryan Seacrest and mariah carey. And like the ball was dropping and i was like, am i going to kiss nick jonas . [ laughter ] cause i thought it would be, you know, cause its like the new years thing. Jimmy yeah, if its getting down to the seconds. Ive never had a new years kiss before, yeah. Jimmy usually you give somebody a kiss when its midnight, yeah. Yeah, i didnt, i chickened out, but i thought it would be i thought it would be like funny, you know what i mean . But mariah carey did blow me a a kiss so that was good. Jimmy hey, well, ill take that, ill take that. It was like jimmy oh, of course. And i was like [ laughter ] jimmy i will say before i will say again, congratulations on the album being out. [ cheers and applause ] president obama puts out a list of his Favorite Music. He puts out a playlist of his Favorite Music of the year. Yeah. Jimmy and on the top of the list is guess who . Camila cabello, yeah, baby [ cheers and applause ] oh, my god. Jimmy thats got to be an honor, huh . Yeah, that was crazy. I actually i made a video of me crying to it and i sent it to my friends, cause i do that sometimes. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, well, you have to be emotional, yeah. Yeah, it was it was crazy. I mean, who doesnt i love him so much and i you know, i got the opportunity of i met him ive met him twice. Well, not met him twice, seen him twice cause you can only meet a person one time. But [ laughter ] but, yeah, so the first time that i met him, it was like this meet and greet situation where it was like, you know. Five seconds and you take a a picture and then you, you know, walk away, but jimmy yeah, of course, hes like, hello, and good to see ya. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy yep, yep. Take care. Thanks a lot. Thank you. Bye. Yeah, yeah. So that was a really good impression, by the way. Jimmy thank you, i appreciate that, yeah. It was really good. Jimmy it was actually me who you met the first time, so oh, wow, crazy [ laughter ] jimmy you only met him once, yeah. Wow so basically i got the chance to tell him. I was like, thank you so much for everything that you do for, you know, immigrants. He kind of did like this double take cause i think he thought i was going to stay something like, you rock or whatever. And he was like, oh, thank you, that really means a lot to me. And i really do i love the obamas. Jimmy yeah. So that was really it was really crazy cause i feel like, i dont know, sometimes i just i found that out on new years, and i had been home for like 20 days and i dont know a a lot of the times i totally forget that i am like a, you know, i have songs out and that, you know, people listen to them. And especially, you know, the president even being aware of my existence and jimmy oh, yeah. I mean, that was really, really, really cool. Jimmy hell, people are aware of your existence. They are definitely, definitely aware. [ cheers and applause ] and theyre going to be even more aware in 2018. Youre going to have a great year, pal. Thank you. Jimmy and we love you, pal. Thank you so much. Jimmy please, please, come back. [ cheers and applause ] Camila Cabello, everybody. Her album, camila is out now. Well be right back with standup from pete lee. Come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] the world is not flat. You cant just pinch it or swipe it. Theres a whole world out there and no other card lets you experience it like the platinum card. Backed by the service and security of american express. Mom stuffynosecold nosleep mouthbreather just put on a breathe right strip it instantly opens your nose. Up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone go to breatheright. Com today to request a free sample. [click] [silence] [click] why is the screen empty . thank you espresso blonde starbucks tenson americas mosteople have swiawarded network. Ed verizon . Uh, woah, woah, woah, vince. It was ranked highest in Network Quality performance nationwide by j. D. Power. 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Thats insane yep, and you still wouldnt get everything thats in this equinox. Wowww. Six cars in one. Get zero percent financing for sixty months. Or two thousand two hundred and fifty dollars total cash allowance on this equinox lt when you finance with gm financial. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Whats cool is, today, we have 400 people working across the globe. With office 365, we can all stay connected, from vietnam, to boston, to new york. Now with whiteboard, we can all Work Together at the same time. And 3d in powerpoint shows clients exactly what our cards look like. Yeah, having everyone working together on the new teams app is really awesome. Seeing all these people react to our cards . Thats what makes it all worth it. Volunteer at neighborhoodofgood. Com. State farm. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guest can be seen in the documentary i need you to kill, available now on itunes. Please welcome back the very funny, pete lee [ cheers and applause ] thank you. I so, im not famous. But if i look familiar, its because i look exactly like the emoji guy thats like, what . [ laughter ] and im also dressed like this so i look like a bouncer at a a ted talk. [ light laughter ] im from wisconsin if you can tell that by my accent and stuff. Woo um, yeah. But new yorkers dont know how to receive my energy. Theyre always like, hey, whats that on your face . And im like, its a smile. [ laughter ] yeah, i have joy in my heart. And then i give it all away every day. [ light laughter ] and then i wake up the next day and im like, oh theres more. [ light laughter ] because thats what it feels like to be not from new york. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i wish i was a more rugged, bad boy. You know, like, no women ever look at me like oh, man. I bet petes going to ravage me all night. [ laughter ] there are woman that look at me like i bet pete has good penmanship. [ laughter ] you know, and i do. I mean, look at my face. Im tall, dark, and pleasant. [ laughter ] i look like i stay in shape by only flying kites. [ laughter ] like, dude, you are getting jacked. Yeah, its been gusty. [ laughter and applause ] you dont even know. [ cheers and applause ] and women always say that they want a bad boy. Well my whole thing is, no you dont. [ laughter ] you dont. Right . Which would you rather have, a a guy thats like, oh my god. Your rack looks great in that dress. Or would you rather have me whos like, oh my god that dress has pockets. [ cheers and applause ] women love dresses with pockets. If you love a woman and you want to blow her mind, go steal her favorite dress out of the closet. Take it to a tailor, have him install pockets. [ light laughter ] take her out on her dream date and in the middle of the date, be like hey honey, can you put my chapstick in your pocket . And shell be like, what i dont have any pockets in this oh my god theres pockets [ laughter ] i really got into that one. [ laughter ] i think im a sensitive guy because i grew up idolizing my dad. I was like, thats whats men are like and i want to be like that. The only problem is my dad was an interior decorator. [ laughter ] yeah, my dad gave me my y chromosome. Its just mine was in cursive. [ laughter and applause ] that was a good one. [ laughter ] all my friends, they had cool redneck dads growing up. You know, theyd be like, my dad is taking me hunting this weekend. Id be like, oh mine too, you know for bargains. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i got a deer. Id be like i got an ottoman. [ laughter ] i remember one time, one of my friends, he goes, my dad taught me how to cat call women. And i was, oh just as important, my dad taught me that women are people. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, right . Who knew that until last year, right . [ laughter ] i did. I knew the whole time. [ laughter ] i knew my whole life. Oh, im such a feminist. Oh, cripes. Yeah. Im such a feminist, i dont even use those credit card chip readers until it tells me that i can. [ cheers and applause ] have you ever tried to put your card in too early . Its like, quack quack quack. Im like [ laughter and applause ] im not a bad guy, all right . [ laughter ] i respect you. I hate conflict, but i got into a tussle today. I know you guys are like, wow this guy tussles. Oh, yeah i do. [ laughter ] i tussle a tidbit. [ laughter ] i got into a tussle with a a motion sensor sink. Isnt that the Worst Technology . Because im just standing there waving my hand. Like, how pale am i . [ laughter ] this things looking at my hand like, no, thats just more sink. [ laughter and applause ] im standing there waving my hand. Its giving me no water. But for some reason motion sensor hand foam is like im here for you, buddy. [ laughter ] im like, i cant use you, yet. Because i dont have water from your friend. [ laughter ] uhh, paper towels are like [ laughter and applause ] why do motion sensor sinks work like 4 of the time . But if you are sitting down on a motion sensor toilet and even one flake of lint floats into that stall, you are like, oh, no. Motion sensor toilet is like, gotcha. [ laughter and applause ] its shooting Niagara Falls temperature mist into your butt. [ laughter ] it feels like a thousand dog noses are nuzzling your butt cheeks. All right guys, im pete lee. Thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh pete lee right there. [ cheers and applause ] oh, my face hurt. For more, visit petelee. Net. Well be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] theres only one place where you can get. More adventure, more woohoo more magic and more happy. So now come to the Disneyland Resort and get. More happy [ cheers and applause ] jimmy pete lee right there, ladies and gentlemen. How about that . Pete lee. My thanks to james spader, everybody. Camila cabello. Pete lee, once again. [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. Stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching, have a a great weekend. I hope to see you next week. Byebye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight, Anthony Anderson star of downsizing, Actress Hong Chau comedian amanda seales, featuring the 8g band with mark guiliana. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gtlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening im seth meyers, this is late night. How is everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause ] thats fantastic. In that case, lets get to the news. The alabama special election for senate is tomorrow, and its currently too gross to call. [ laughter ] thats right, the alabama speciaec