Off the face shield. In the end, who really suffers . You, the american people, right, guillermo . There he is. Guillermo thats right david thats it . Hey, by the way, whats going on in that room . A little bleak there, you got a couch and a plant. Is that a house or a crate and barrel that went out of business . Guillermo look, its my meditation room. You know . David thats nice, im glad youre meditating. I know youre working up to 45 seconds a day on this. All right, thank you, guillermo, its good to see you. Guillermo can you add me on your instagram, mr. Spade, please . David you know what, ill see if i can. I dont know if im allowed to. I got to go. Its good to see you, buddy. By the way, speaking of instagram, i got a lot of flak last night. I posted a beautiful picture of myself in the greenroom here, some call selfies stupid, i know, but everyone was saying i overphoto shopped it, and its horrible filters, which is a total lie. I had someone else do it. I just did a tiny bit, because my face was sunburned. I go, make it not so sunburned. This is what i posted. I know, thirsty, but whatever. And heres what it looked like before. Its not that different. Its the same. And ive seen worse, listen, ive seen that Kardashian Family tree and every one of those pictures. Theres some shenanigans going on there, then Whitney Cummings has the balls to chirp in about my wardrobe. This is what she says. Burn the shirt. A black shirt, thats terrifying you . I googled you, whitney, this is the first thing that came up. Im sorry. I have a plain black shirt on. You have season four of yellow stone printed on juyour jumper. More on her later. Im obligated to tell jokes. I want to make sure i get my scale. Lets get to it. Florida police say a woman pummeled her father due to his repeated flatulence. The dad said he was testing her sense of smell to make sure she didnt have covid. I buy it. Beyonce dropped a music video for brown skin girl, featuring her daughter blue ivy. This is a tough way to find out i didnt get the part. A report says the top tik tok stars make as much as 5 million a year. Kim kardashian said, i cant believe i could have done a dance video instead of the other video i did and become a millionaire. And its been announced olivia wilde will direct a video about spider woman, and im not even going to finish this joke. I saw a spider yesterday. Im just going to tell that part. I saw a spider coming out of my house. We can cut this later. But i was going out of my house, and of course it made this huge web across my whole door, so i walk out, and was, like, boowww. You know how you go into a web and it throws you back because its so strong. But this spiders right there in my face going, whats up . But its obviously poisonous, i freak up. I mess up the web, not cool. I want to live, so the next day i go out, but im a little scared, because im a puss. In real life, i come across as a toughguy, hardass athlete. But in real life, im little built of a puss. I dont want to get a spider biting me and me dying. I dont see it, and then it drops in the picture from the top, like crews in michigan like, wooo. So freak out again, run in, get the raid, come back, but i give him a little puff, just a little, like perfume, and then hes all tucked going like this, but i can see its getting to him. Hes going like that, then he freaks out. He goes up and down the web and starts spewing webs out of his butt. Like uncontrollable webbing. And im like, and then its not funny, though. But i think he was bumming out. But then i said, i got to end this. So i go pshhhh. And hes like, guy, im dead, you dont have to blow the whole bottle on me. Im soaking in a thousand times body weight in poison. You think im going to pull out of this . I know its hard to believe by looking at me we can snip that. I have a lot of friends. Articles are even written. Clickbait articles are written about the subject. Someone sent me this one the other day, 15 celebs david spade is surprisingly friends with. Im david spade. I like surprises. So i checked it out. When you trade, tread it, you f number 15 is adam sandler. Weve been in 7,000 movies and done a tv show together. If you google david spade plus adam sandler, 1. 9 million results. Then number 12, chris farley. The only reason youve ever heard of me is because i was friends with chris farley. Moving on to number 11 is chris rock. 500 dinners. I feel like this whole article is a wasted opportunity. I do have some friendships that are truly surprising. Kim jong un. He kidnapped me, brought me over for a monthlong birthday parade and weve been friends ever since. Sometimes we start laughing. We dont even know why. Thats him on horseback riding on sacred mt. Pikachu. I think thats the one. Then mike lindell, the my pillow guy. I was his crack dealer for a little while. As a kid, i was buddies with fidel castro. I was a pretty heavy cigar smoker and super communist back then. I went through that phase. This one might really surprise you. I was tight with a guy who murdered my wife. We hit it off at the trial. Most people dont remember i was married. Thats because he killed her on the wedding day, but anyway, all water under the bridge. People are always curious about me. Im fascinating. I even did this thing for google recently, where i answered some of my most commonlyasked questions to set the record straight. Lets look at it. Why wont david spades mustache grow in. Thanks for asking. When i was 19, i took my girlfriends Birth Control accidently. I thought it was a oneaday vitamin, and now i cant grow a mustache, and i cant have a baby. Thanks fo thanks for bringing up a sore sub. When was the last time david spade [ bleep ]ed his pants . I cant believe one person on google asked that. Im not a real pant [ bleep ]er, but i have a friend who said dude, i [ bleep ]ed my pants last week, and i havent [ bleep ]ed my pants in a while. Somethings wrong, youre not supposed to constantly [ bleep ] your pants over the age of 2. Hes like, all the time, dude. Whats david spades next movie . I dont know, you never know. Its whatever sandler turns down. So i just dont know. Why is david spade famous . I was in a rock group called hanson in high school. Maybe youve heard of it, mm bop, mm bop boop bebop. Yes, saider. We have a great show. Music from the Avett Brothers. Well be right back with my friend lauren lapkus. Whoo dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by Marvels Avengers coming to your Favorite Gaming platform se september 4th. Dicky abcs Jimmy Kimmel Live brought to you by allstate. Check it out. Safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him hes here. Hes right here. Hi hi. Hey thats totally him. Its him thats totally the guy. Safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Saf drinew school year,. Whatever that means from the sporty chic to the stem star go show off your fit, lets raise the bar whatever this year looks like, get fresh looks at old navy and oldnavy. Com. Im a talking dog. The other issue. Oh. Im scratching like crazy. Youve got some allergic itch with skin inflammation. Apoquel can work on that itch in as little as 4 hours, whether its a new or chronic problem. And apoquels treated over 8 million dogs. Nice. And. The talking dog thing . Is it bothering you . No. Itching like a dog is bothering me. Until dogs can speak for themselves, you have to. When allergic itch is a problem, ask for apoquel. Apoquel is for the control of itch associated with allergic dermatitis and the control of Atopic Dermatitis in dogs. 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That if its connected, its protected. Even that that petcamera thingy. [ whines ] can your internet do that . Xfinity xfi can because its. Simple, easy, awesome. [ barking ] david hey, guys, welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live. Im david spade. Their album, the third gleam is coming out. The Avett Brothers are coming out. And she contractually had to make out with me in the wrong mi missy. Please welcome lauren lapkus. Hi. Hi. David isnt that a sweet intro . That was great. David that movie, the wrong missy. They said 59 people saw it in the first four weeks, isnt that ridiculous . I dont know whos more shocked, me, you or the american people. It was great. So think all saw you simulate a [ bleep ] me. Now that movie, they were pretty tough on you, you were such a good sport, but what are some of the things you had to do to people who havent seen . Oh, my gosh,ly to get fit guts thrown in my face. David yes. I had to throw up like cold soup over the side of a boat. David sickening. I had to go in a spinning machine and go head over feet to get my facial reactions. I had to dunk my head under water in a tub a hundred times. David yeah. I remember a lot of things. David you had to do scenes with rob schnyder. That made me sick. Was there something they made you do that you didnt want to do . I think i did everything except there was one moment where they wanted my to jump off the dock into the ocean and swim towards the boat. Im not a good swim imer, so it would have been really deadly possibly. David i saw you hustling down the dock lots of times. Every day was worse and worse for you. And i was like, i have so many complaints about the movie, and youre like, youre doing nothing, literally nothing. You had one day. You had the day where you had to be a mermaid. That was hard for you. David oh, yeah. That did bother me. There were a lot of things, but enough about missy. That was a great time. They told me you collect miniatures. You didnt tell me that on the set. I didnt bring that up, i didnt get a chance, but i do have my collection right here behind my. David thats why you like me . Because im miniature . I have one i think you would like. This is the mini eggplant. Can you see it . David i use that emoji three times a day. Then very these little guys i collect who are really special. Funny angel dolls is what theyre called. They all have different heads, i dont know if you can see. David so you saw these one time and you bought one and you keep buying them. These my husband and i saw in a little store in japan and we thought they were one in a million thing. And we started seeing them everywhere we went. We made up a rule that you can only buy them if you come across them in the wild. You with only buy them if you sigh them in see them in a store, but i went wild and started buying them and line during quarantine. David whats your favorite one . This ones special because its big. David it doesnt even fit in there. Is that pikachu . I dont know what that is. I said it in the monologue and said it wrong again. You do a few podcasts. I did one with you, but the one right now is called newcomers, right . I do a podcast with camille byer, and she nailed it on netflix, that baking show. The first time we watched star wars for the first time, we had never seen it. Now for the Second Season were watching lord of the rings. And every single thing weve had to watch is at least three hours long, and its really hard. David especially women and youre older and youre not a kid watching star wars. Ima he m older woman. David no, youre older than 11. When you see that, its horrible, well take that out. No, leave it in david everyone has some big movie everyone talks about that you dont want to say youve never seen it. Youve never seen king . Im very educated. David youve seen the old ones and the new ones and the new old ones. Ive seen the cartoons, the holiday special that george lucas tried to erase, the ewok specials. David lord of the rings is the one youre doing now. Yes, were watching all those movies, and theyre all three to four hours long. The biggest complaint is that were not watching the extended cuts, and theyre like, you have to see the fourth hour david i didnt see lord of the rings, and i followed that easier than i followed star wars. Yeah, it is easier. Its clear. Theres like wizards and trolls, theres not as much to keep up with. David do you know what youre going to do next . Or you dont know . Weve had some ideas, but i think were going to get pushed into doing some other sort of thing like this that weve avoided, like some sort of fantasy thing. Theres such a fandom, i think thats why they want us to keep going with this stuff. Because the people who love these movies. David oh, they get into it. Theyre obsessed, yeah. David theyre called newcom newcomers. And thats lauren lapkus. I want to thank you fire doing missy with me. That was the best. David well be back with the Avett Brothers. Ill see you soon. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. You know how these things start. You try wendys buy one get one for a dollar breakfast offer, love it and tell a friend. Then they tell a friend. And so on and so on and so on. So get to wendys and get some breakfast want restand schools . Pen . Want the economy to get back on track . Youre not alone. And you can help make it happen. Stay 6 feet apart. Wash your hands. Wear a mask every time you leave your home. Choose to join the fight against covid19. Do your part. Slow the spread. What about wireless data options for the family . You can customize and save. What about internet speeds that can keep up with my gaming . Lets hook you up with the Fastest Internet from xfinity. And now with our stores reopening, were putting Healthy Practices in place. Come visit a store today. Stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Ask. Shop. Discover at your local xfinity store today. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. David welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live, im david spade. You can get their new album the third gleam starting this friday. Here with the song victory, the aviett brothers. One, two, three, four. Dont write cause i dont think i dont have a need to speak i dont see the bright side quite as clear accolades and happy days they dont ever last stories of courage clouded up with fear in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me f to match eternal light with how i live my life of course i was forced to retreat from victory i accept defeat waxy green and yellow walls outside my window fall covering the light i thought id see am i sad or am i sick whats at the root of it do i throw my hands and quit something tells me no worries on all sides of my mind in silence my darkness is dend in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me from victory i tried to match eternal light with how i live my life of course i was forced to retreat from victory i accept defeat from victory, i accept defeat my job is to help new homeowners who have turned into their parents. Im having a big lunch and then just a snack for dinner. So were using a speakerphone in the store. Is that a good idea . One of the ways i do that is to get them out of the home. Youre looking for a grout brush, this is garth, did he ask for your help . No, no. No. We all see it. We all see it. He has blue hair. Okay. Blue. Progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. Keep it coming. You dont know him. Red, blue, 16 percent undecided. Here we are a nation divided. But 2020 had us shook. So we gave the world another look. And saw a future of differences celebrated. Every voice advocated. Just imagine the possibility. Of a world where we are we. peter walsh people came and they met and they felt comfortable. Its what we did with coogans. You felt safe and, if you were safe, you could be joyful. Everybody has a coogans. And almost half those small businesses, they could close if people dont do something. We have to keep our communities together. Thats how we get through this. Theyeah, theyre identical. E. Actually, theyre not. House 2 also has antioxidant vitamin c. Antioxidant. Then well take house 2. Congratulations given the choice, why wouldnt you choose the one with antioxidant vitamin c . Choose vizzy hard seltzer. Of the Team Building the most and im part powerful 5g experience for america. Its 5g ultra wideband, and its already available in parts of select cities. Like los angeles and in new york city. And its rolling out in cities around the country. With massive capacity, its like an eight lane highway compared to a two lane dirt road. 25x faster than todays 4g networks. In fact, its the fastest 5g in the world. From the network more people rely on. This is 5g built right. Only on verizon. David thats all the time we have tonight. No id like that thank lauren lapkus, the Avett Brothers and the shows absentee father, jimmy kimmel. Jas Jason Jason Derulo will host tomorrow night. Goodnight tonight, first lady, melania trump, taking center stage from the white house. Im here because we need my husband to be our president and commander in chief for four more years. A show of force from the first family. Personally making the case for the president s reelection. Every proud american who bleeds red, white and blue, my father will continue to fight for you. What the Republican Party plans to do to appeal to female voters, and how the Trump Administration is fighting criticism over the president s handling of the pandemic. Plus, the Unprecedented Convention moment, a secretary of state showing his support. This president has led bold initiatives in nearly every corner of the world. This special
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