Guy in there, right, to do the important stuff like, you know, flying the plane . Dont panic. There is a man here. Its not just me. Hes operating the camera. Its an insane situation. I showed up to a random house and a guy in a mask is filming me. I dont know if he even works here. If hes the only person whos ever going to see this footage. But were keeping our fingers crossed. I hope it doesnt seem like im complaining, even though with my voice, everything sounds like im complaining. But this house is gorgeous. I still find it amazing how, in hollywood, you can just rent some mansion for the day and shoot whatever you want. As long as youre wearing a mask or a condom, california is open for business. This truly is just some random house in hollywood. Ive lived in this town for 15 years. Ive been invited to a house to shoot a tv show many times, but this is the first time i showed up and there is actually a tv show. Fool me twice, danny masterson, shame on me. That is the first moment when things felt weird with this noaudience thing. Because i have no idea how that just landed. I dont know if youre laughing or cringing. The audience can tell you if that was the greatest joke ever told, or i could lose everything. I guess we will find out tomorrow on twitter. Anyway, back to me. Like most americans, i live in los angeles, but im originally from washington, d. C. , which im sure you have heard is making a big push for statehood. D. C. Has always wanted this. Our license plates say taxation without representation. Its the only passiveaggressive license plate. Youll never be driving around oregon and see a license plate that says oregon, some sun would be nice. Or, florida, if you can read this, youre probably not from florida. Stop right there. Im not making fun of florida. Dont think im being mean to florida. I love florida. Not as much as coronavirus loves florida, but i love it. Some of my favorite pregnancies happened in florida. So i dont want to slam florida. Id like to get back to making fun of washington, d. C. Because as you know, the Football Team is finally taking a stand and changing the name of the redskins. I will say, in their defense, back when they named the team the redskins, it was only very racist. And i also have to give credit where credit is due, out of respect for native americans, the redskins kept their name out of super bowl lineups for nearly 30 years. Honestly, i feel like theyre probably just psyched to not be talking about concussions. Im so fascinated when the nfl takes a moral or benevolent stand for something. Like, do you remember when they had the pink ribbons on for Breast Cancer . That was always so wild to me because that was so clearly a pr move. Some publicists sat them down and were like, we are getting some bad press. We need to align with a charity to help our reputation so we need to pick a cause. So what do you guys care about . Everyone was like, boobs. We heard boobs were in danger. You know women get other kinds of cancer, right . Breast cancer, not even the number one killer of women. Heart disease, the number one killer of women. They were like, what about a ribbon for Heart Disease . They were like, isnt that where the feelings come from . Thats gonna get me in trouble. I just felt myself getting canceled. I felt the internet preparing to cancel me. But everything gets everyone in trouble now. People now can find anything to be divided about, like the fact that people have managed to politicize wearing a face mask in a pandemic. It makes me insane because i dont have the power to force everyone to do this one small thing that saves lives. But what i do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills i have acquired over a very long career. I can roast these fools on national television. Its the roast of maskless idiots with roastmaster, whitney cummings. First up, weve got the chicos all lives matter fall collection. Looks like karencon got off to a slow and rocky start when these women kept calling the cops on the security guards. This looks like a casting call for a lifetime movie about women who drowned their kids in a station wagon. Now lets take a look at this dumb moron. Nothing like rolls of toilet paper jammed on your head to let people know youve got actual [ bleep ] for brains. Dude, what is on your face . He looks like a sea turtle stuck in a six pack ring. Also, cool bracelet i think we can move on. Oh, god, this guy. What this guy should have done with his sharpie is color in the parts of his head where the plugs didnt take. I get it. Hes trying to make a point that masks are just making us feel safe, when it turns out theyre not really safe at all. Yeah, kind of like the feeling you get when you date a guy who can write stuff backwards in a mirror. You creep. Anyway, have you ever just wanted to drive your car straight into a wall . My guess is he only bought this expensive suit because he was told mexico would pay for it. Why dont guys just wear masks . It actually helps you get chicks. Put on a mask. Theres a strong chance well flirt with you just because well think youre a surgeon. Its like seeing a girl in a hooters shirt, she probably works there. And even if she doesnt, that girl is a party. Where is the next genius . This one. This one is holding a sign that says, i will not mask my unborn child. Honey. Youre not wearing a mask in a pandemic. Youre never gonna see your child. I feel like this is probably a good time to point out that the opinions expressed here tonight are my own. I dont want jimmy getting any backlash and more importantly any credit for anything you hear tonight. Anyway, im obsessed with this woman. I cant wrap my head around how she hates science, but loves a fun orange slide. This summer, beat the heat with open toes and an open casket. So weird to me that so many women refuse to wear a mask. Which is wild. Its like, metal underwire bras for twelve hours and digs into our rib cage . Fine. A polyester string that saws up into our crevices . Absolutely. But a soft piece of cloth that stops an invisible, and possibly deadly, virus . Back off bitch, ill spit on your baby so its been about eight minutes, which is more than enough time for a woman to be talking at you so were going to take a break and then we will be back with music from the amazing rema. And i will be joined by my very funny friend eric andre. So get ready to see a naked man. See you soon. This selenite grey is so pretty isnt it . Wow. Jim could you pop the hood for us . There she is. Turbocharged, right . Yes it is. Jim, could you uh kick the tires . Oh yes. Can you change the color inside the car . Oh sure. How about blue . Thats more cyan but. Jump in the back seat, jim. Act like my kids. How much longer . Exactly how they sound. Its got massaging seats too, right . Oh yeahhhhh. Oh yeahhhhh. Visit the mercedesbenz summer event or shop online at participating dealers. Get 0 apr financing up to 36 months on select new and certified preowned models. Tomorrow can only be better with wendys breakfast. Win with a breakfast baconator, honey butter chicken biscuit, sausage egg and swiss croissant, or a maple bacon chicken croissant free with mobile order purchase. Tomorrows lookin good looembarrassing you. Up wall. That wall is your everest but not any more. Today lets paint. Behr. Exclusively at the home depot. Theyeah, theyre identical. E. Actually, theyre not. House 2 also has antioxidant vitamin c. Antioxidant. Then well take house 2. Congratulations given the choice, why wouldnt you choose the one with antioxidant vitamin c . Choose vizzy hard seltzer. Contactless delivery trright to your car,et. Designed for your day. Your moves. Your style. Your taste. So quick and easy. Just download the target app today. Hey guys want to stack different pringles flavors to create new flavor combos . Here ill. Go first. Pizza, barbeque and jalapeno. The spicy barbecue pizza stack. Get him grandpa whats going on . Were trapped in a pringles commercial, they must have taken us in our sleep. Stack pringles flavors make new ones. This. Watch. Lls. Time and takes phone calls. And communicates with satellites thousands of miles above the earth and tracks your distance underwater and tracks your activity and tells you which direction youre going and has an app that measures the electrical waves traveling through your heart otherwise known as an electrocardiogram. So just to reiterate this. Watch. Tells. Time among other things . Do i use a toothpaste that or one thats good for my teeth . Now i dont have to choose. Crest 3d white. It removes up to 95 of surface stains. And strengthens enamel. From the number one toothpaste brand in america. Crest. Fenow theres more to wlove with xfinity x1, . The ultimate entertainment experience. Like live sports. Theyre back with the best way to watch. And more streaming apps all in one place. More classics. More premiers. Plus, more to easily find using just your voice. Hello, more. Where have you been all my life . Xfinity. The future of awesome. Whitney welcome back to jimmy kimmel live. Im whitney bummings. Tonight on the show, he just released a compilation of three new singles. His videos get tens of millions of views online. And he is the apple musics up next artist. Music from rema is on the way. Tomorrow night, my favorite millionaire grump, sebastian maniscalco, will assume hosting responsibilities. And ghosting responsibilities. He never texts me back. Hell be joined by kelly ripa and Ryan Seacrest as well as nfl star j. J. Watt. My guest tonight is a comedian who finally lost his standup special virginity to a lucky lady named netflix. Its called legalize everything and its available now. Please welcome the great eric andre. Thank you, whitney cummings. What up . Booyah whitney this is kind of intimate, oddly, because ive been doing zoom dates in quarantine. But this is not a date, to be clear. In real life . In real life . Whitney ive been doing zoom dates. I want you to know this is an interview for a talk show. This isnt a date. Have you really gone on a zoom date . Whitney yes, many. You havent . I got a girlfriend. I go on dates live. Whitney no, ive been going on zoom dates, which its better, you can control the lighting. At that point, id just want to get corona. Zoom dates. What are we doing here . Whitney so i was talking to one of the producers who said you got your mom high recently . Whats up . Yeah. I smoked weed with my mom. Shes 700 years old. There it is. Yes. Shes 700 years old. The last time she smoked weed was 1959. She was like, i tried smoking grass in the 50s, and it burned my throat. And so she took a 50, 60year break and now im getting her lit. Whitney how did it go . What kind of high was she . She did not like it. Shes like me, we started playing scrabble and she got all dizzy, and she went, my mouth is dry, is that part of the appeal . Then i got her some wine. Shes like, give me my wine, please, she likes, like, 7eleven wine. Whitney sutter home, dont knock it. I have a couple other questions. Whos on your shirt . In that picture . Oprah. Oprah winfrey. Whitney if im high and looking at a sweatshirt of oprah i feel like that would be a spiritual experience. I want to go on a zoom date with oprah. Whitney your special. I cringed, i screamed, i laughed. I was gasping. It was so fun to watch. Youre too sweet. Youre a sweetheart. I want that whitney robot money for my next special. Thats the kind of budget. I said, can we have two actors make out on stage . Theyre like, what, are we made of money . Whitney gets a robot of herself. Whitney yeah, there is a bit, i dont want to give it away. There is a bit where you help an audience member work through their childhood trauma. I was screaming. Thank you. How much where did you get that robot . Whitney why do you want to interview me . Im interviewing you, eric. I just like having a conversation. When you talk, i listen. Whitney this is like a zoom date by the way. Kind of fun. Have you dated any comedians . You do not want to talk about that, do you . Whitney i have not dated any comedians, no. I dated one that i have a strict never, i have a strict, never date a comedian policy. Whitney no. Its already like high school. And i just dont want any, i want a boundary. Whitney im not trying to date you. You dont have to set this boundary with me. Im not flirting with you, im not interested. Youre like, i would never date a female comedian, ever. People are so obsessed with your show. People run up to me on the street and go, do you know eric andre . Hes a genius. You are sweet. Whitney why would i lie to you . What am i looking at here . I got rid of all my body hair, i waxed my pubic hair, i spray tanned, i suntanned, i gained 20 to 25 pounds. Thats me at 205, im usually about 180, 185. I bleached my teeth. I wore really nasty brut cologne. Whitney are you running from the law . Whats going on . Im doing a body transformation every season, and i get recognized more often now, so i wanted to look like vin diesel got run over by a train. I feel like vin diesel when he takes time off between fast and furious movies and hes all fat in italy, smoking cigarettes on a balcony. [ bleep ], im between seasons, give me a break. Whitney i am obsessed with this. I love when a man in hollywood gains weight, hes like a genius artist. And when a woman gains weight, they just dont get to work anymore. I know, its not fair. Charlize theron. Whitney thats a very good point. Youre right. One woman did it, and she got the oscar. Yeah. There you go. Whitney thats what i need to do. Well, i love you. I could talk to you forever and hopefully ill get to. But for now, these people are going to murder me. No worries, i love you so much. Whitney legalize everything, nothing makes me laugh. I went emotionally numb years ago, and this is the only thing that brought me joy in years. Its streaming on netflix now. It is absolutely brilliant, i love you, eric andre. I love you, too. Whitney get some new wifi. Ill have my robot come install some. When we come back, we have music from rema. vo parents have a way of imagining the worst. Especially when your easily distracted teenager has the car. At subaru, were taking on distracted driving. With sensors that alert you when your eyes are off the road. The subaru forester. The safest forester ever. Come on tucker, lets go. K . Tuck, tuck, do you want a walk boy . Tucker, do you want to go out . When the whole family needs an excuse to get out, nutros clean recipe will help your dog keep up. New force flex plus, bright colors febreze freshness. New force flex plus, bright colors hi. Whats on your mind . In. Can you help keep these guys protected online . Easy. Connect to the xfi gateway. What about wireless data options for the family . You can customize and save. What about internet speeds that can keep up with my gaming . Lets hook you up with the Fastest Internet from xfinity. And now with our stores reopening, were putting Healthy Practices in place. Come visit a store today. Stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Ask. Shop. Discover at your local xfinity store today. Whitney welcome back to jimmy kimmel live. Im your single serving host, whitney cummings. Last year, his song was on obamas summer playlist. Now hes making his late night tv debut. With the song iron man, heres rema. Hmm because i catch cold i dey i dey catch cold baby hold my hand make i no go catch cold i dey catch cold i dey i dey catch cold baby hold my hand make i no go catch cold let me give you love you the one i want to love baby come and sing my song you dey make me wan dey give you more girly me adore inner me life you belong tell her baby make i ding your dong you dey make my thing dey long long baby come make i be your iron man you must to be my baby you must to be fine baby come make i be your iron man follow me go you must to be my baby you must to be my fine baby come make i be your iron man man ah bend your head and knees and toes bend am whine am slow carry your load and go gimme your love and soul bend your head and knees and toes bend am whine am slow carry your load and go gimme your love and soul anything you want baby o i go give you love baby o uuh baby o baby o anything you want baby o i go give you love baby o uuh baby o baby o baby o baby come make i be your iron man you must to be my baby you must to be fine baby come make i be your iron man follow me go you must to be my baby you must to be my fine baby come make i be your iron man man ah ah ah ah remy boy. And tmobile doesnt just have a bigger network, but a better one than ever before, with scam protection built into its core. Introducing, scamshield, free from tmobile. Get fewer scam calls. Period. With tmobiles supercharged network, you can say goodbye to annoying scam calls, and feel free to answer your phone again. Hello contactless delivery tarright to your door,very designed for your day. So you can work out, join in, and game on. Just download the target app and try it today. Crunchy oat clusters with a hotouch of honey. Ombine. Plump, juicy raisins. And tasty fiber. It tk a lot of branstormin get it . Kelloggs raisin bran crunch. Two scoops of delicious. Thg those geese over for target practice. Today, lets stain. Ey cant stainver at the home depot. Morrow behry whitney thats all the time we have for tonight. Id like to thank eric andre, rema, and molly kimmels husband. Sebastian maniscalco will host tomorrow with his guests kelly ripa, Ryan Seacrest, and j. J. Watt. Nightline is next. And im officially being told i have actually been cancelled. So thats it for me. Good night oh, im sweating. I worked hard. Oh how is it . Very nice. Still got it. A boutique in the Mission District may have to close its doors for the second time now because of the pandemic. On the coronavirus watch list and facing closures. Now Business Owners in Santa Cruz County are looking to operate outdoors. A major new testing plan in san franciscos Mission District. Who its geared towards and how it could affect the entire city. Were in a seasonal summer pattern. Whats changing this week coming up. Abc7 news at 11 00 starts right now. Building a better bay area for a safe and secure future. This is abc7 news. Take a good look at this map right now because in about an hour, Santa Cruz County will join the eight bay area counties on the states watch list. The only count not being monitored is san mateo. Landing on that list means a number of indoor business also have to close at 12 01 a. M. Or come up with a way to shift their operations indoors. And the biggest impact will be on hair salons and gyms. Amanda del castillo explains how some gyms are already pivoting. We now have 37 counties. We just included santa cruz on the monitoring list. Santa cruz county had been flagged late last week. And without enough improvement, found itself on the
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