Ever again. Donald trump had quite a weekend. He put on a bigly presentation at west point on saturday, where he showed up to give a commencement speech whether the graduates wanted it or not. The cadets at west point were sent home in march because of the virus. For safety reasons. But then trump decided he wanted to give a speech in person and so all the cadets were ordered to return to campus and stay in quarantine for two weeks. They were literally a captive audience. So our commander in beef could pretend hes in charge of the military. And of course some of the cadets wound up testing positive for the virus, but what is most important is that donald trump had an audience for what turned out to be a historic speech. No president in the history of this country has ever taken a weirder drink of water than this. [ applause ] is that one of the side effects of hydroxy . What is up with his hand . Did he hurt it holding the bible upsidedown . Lets look at that again. Because there is clearly something going on with his arm. Its weak. And this is not the first time weve seen this. This is from november of 2017, you see he opened the bottle but then he needed two hands to drink it. And the next month, it happened again. Hes like a witch sipping out of a goblet of toadstools. And he had another weird move on memorial day. Now watch here. Everybody folding their arms, so he folds his arms. But then gives it a weak shake. Is possible that, like many former members of his staff, his arm just doesnt want to work with him anymore . His arm is like, listen, you used me to grab women, to tweet lies, to shovel mcnuggets into that bloat hole, to sharpie a hurricane, ive had enough. I quit. Im joining my friend penis and going limp. Remember when trump made fun of marco rubio Drinking Water . Its rubio jimmy oh, hes so talented. That is from the spray tan collar comedy tour. And then as if the water thing wasnt weird enough for one speech, he took a very strange walk down a ramp, did you see this . Show that clip. No, thats i think thats the wrong clip. No, i need the clip of the president from west point on saturday. This was a big topic online this weekend. So after his speech, he shakes hands with the lieutenant general, who gives him a wave, and then down he goes. Very slowly tippytapping down the ramp. Tentatively. Like hes walking barefoot on sharp rocks. Maybe the bone spurs are acting up . Everyone was wondering what was going on. We found out, it turns out he still had his clown shoes on. That was weird, right . We can only hope he steps down that gracefully after november. So they post the video and everyone goes nuts and our unstable genius cant take it. Instead of just letting it go, ramplestiltskin tweets, the ramp that i descended after my west point commencement speech was very long and steep, had no handrail and, most importantly, was very slippery. The last thing i was going to do is fall for the fake news to have fun with. Final ten feet i ran down to level ground. Momentum. Final ten feet, he ran down . No, he did not. And the idea that the ramp was slippery seems suspect considering there was not a cloud in the sky. Maybe some curly fries fell out of his pocket on the way up . Trump is very defensive about anything that makes him look weak. He doesnt wear a mask, hes too strong to get coronavirus. I wasnt in the bunker for protection, i was inspecting it. I wasnt shuffling down that ramp like an old man, it was slippery and i ran down it. Also the ramp was covered in banana peels and there were many snakes. I am braver than every soldier. We wrote that, but it isnt out of the realm of possibility. And by the way, for all the fun donald makes of him, this was joe biden going up that same ramp at west point in 2016. At the time biden was 73, which is the same age trump was on saturday. So slow and sleepy wins the race. Trump is now 74 years old because he had a birthday sunday, which is something he of course couldnt help but mention in his speech. Tomorrow, america will celebrate a very important anniversary. The 245th birthday of the United States army. Unrelated, going to be my birthday also. I dont know if that happened by accident. Did that happen by accident, please . Jimmy yes, it did. By the way, june 14th was also the date the first monkey was launched into space. June 14th, 1949. That was not a coincidence. But on sunday donald trump turned 74. 74 years ago yesterday, rosemary had a baby. And that little baby grew into a bigger baby. And now that big old baby is our president. Here in l. A. , we celebrated his birthday exactly the way trump would have wanted us to. We had an all black lives matter pride march. But in florida and san diego, they took to the sea, celebrating with a parade of boats. Statues of donald trump, donald trump blowup dolls. Not intended to be used as a flotation device. Wheres that sharknado when you need it . Trumps family went all out for daddys big day, too. He got a card from his daughter, thank you for every job ive ever had, love, ivanka. Jareds card said, im a mannequin standing in front of an orangutan. Emotion, jared kushner. Heres one from melania, happy birthday to best husband, get away. From the senate, dear mr. President , happy birthday from the bottom of my pouch. Your succubus, mitch. And from his predecessor, theres a term for guys like you. But not two terms. Happy birthday, barack obama. And from another rival, after prayer and consideration, ive decided not to wish you a happy birthday, mitt romney. And from joe biden, heres the deal, jack, im going to clean your clock in november. Joe biden. P. S. , where did i put my teeth . And this one, dads like you are an endangered species, but we promise not to shoot. Love, eric and don junior. And from tiffany, heres my routing number. And finally, trumps most loyal admirer said, hope you have a ball on your birthday. You already have both of mine. Woof, woof. Mike pence. Thats nice. We need to take a break. When we come back, the very funny bill burr will join us. So stick around. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by progressive. Whoo dont do it. Dont you dare. I dont think so [ sighs ] its okay, big fella. Were gonna get through this together. Nice rip, robbie. Raaah when you bundle home and Auto Insurance through progressive, you get more than just a big discount. Im gonna need you to leave. You get relentless protection. [ baseball bat cracks ] you get relentless protection. Good mormore treatment . Were going to try Something Different today. Hi awwww, so pretty. Dogs bring out the good in us. 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Like, quitting every monday hard. Quitting feels so big. So try making it smaller, and youll be surprised at how easily starting small can lead to something big. Start stopping with nicorette. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Tomorrow night, the incredible hulk, mark ruffalo, will be with us. We will honor a health care hero. And later this week, sarah paulson, jeffrey ross, and pharrell williams. Our guest tonight is one of the funniest guys there is. Hes got an animated show, f is for family on netflix, you can listen to his podcast, and see him woo marisa tomei in the new judd apatow movie, the king of staten island. Its available now on vod. Hello, bill burr, how are you doing . Whats going on, jimmy . Jimmy oh, you know. Just sitting in the house . Jimmy you know, i admire the fact that youve chosen to wear the giant, oldtimey headphones for this and not the little ones. I hate those, my ears are messed up from playing drums. I think i got these at a radio shack or best buy. Am i supposed to have the little straws that people have coming out . I would lose those in a second. Jimmy by the way, i want to mention, because you i drove by your house a few months ago at the beginning of this quarantine. And at the time, you said you werent really missing doing standup. How are you feeling three months later . Now i miss it. I think i missed it then, i just wasnt in touch with it. It was like i got dumped. I dont care, i dont need standup anyway. Now, i dont know. Jimmy you probably would have been home because your wife just had a baby, right . Maybe a couple of weeks ago. Not too long ago. A week and a half ago, she gave me a beautiful baby boy. I have a daughter and a son now. Its awesome. And fortunately, he seems to be emotionally wired like my wife. Hes totally chill. He just kind of cries when he is hungry. Jimmy i have bad news for you. I happen to have a billy at home. He seemed totally chill, but now hes a fullfledged maniac. Thats what parents do. My daughter is chill, they go, you know what that means. They take out the warm goats milk, start looking at the stars, and always predict something horrible will happen. And whatever age their kid is, if your kid is younger, its like, oh, you are at 17 weeks . Wait until 18 weeks. You ever think maybe you suck at being a parent . Or maybe the dna jimmy no. Maybe you made a little serial killer. Maybe thats what you did. I bet Jeffrey Dahmers parents are like, wait until he discovers animals. You catch him taking apart a grasshopper to see how its wings work and all that crap. Its like, they didnt realize jeffrey would eat people someday. Jimmy you might have a point. Hes not eating people. I definitely have a point. I definitely have a point. People always trying to get, also, if you have an interracial kid, people are always trying to guess what it will look like. All these wild things. Its either going to be really goodlooking or really weirdlooking. Dude, look around, most people are weirdlooking. Look at me, im a 100 white dude. Im a weirdlooking dude. You know what i mean . The best dogs are mixed dogs. Theyre the chillest dogs. Im telling you. Jimmy youre absolutely right on that. Thats why in england, the royal family, thats why theyre all so weirdlooking. Theyre all banging in the same pool. Theyre like a bunch of dalmatians that can talk. Jimmy thats right. That are purebred lunatics. Jimmy i want to ask you about dalmatians. Because you play a firefighter in the king of staten island. Im assuming you did some kind of training or a ridealong. I did the actor version. It was about four hours, plenty of bottles of water, little fans. We went to the the island just north of Roosevelt Island where they train them, i forget the name. We went into a building, had to go in twice, once to fight the fire, another time to crawl through a smoky room. We wore the actual gear with oxygen, and just going up a flight of stairs, i felt like i was in my 600pound life. I thought my heart was coming out of my chest. Then the next time, you had to do the smoke thing, and go up two flights of stairs. It was really claustrophobic. But when we did the movie, they did the actor version of the suit, they took the oxygen out of the tank, thats seven, eight pounds off your back. Jimmy got you. Yeah. I think i had a john barbados fireman jacket on or something. There was craft service, we could take a break whenever we wanted to. So it was definitely and judd was also, he understood it was the last week of july, it was hot as hell in the bronx. Thats where we shot that. He made sure to keep it moving, getting people in and out. Jimmy you did a great job in the movie, and you have a fantastic mustache. Lets take a look at the mustache. Its almost yosemite samesque. Is that real, is that your own hair . Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Jimmy good stuff. You just told me to stop shaving. We started shooting in june, thats like two months. But when it was a beard, i looked like a hipster. I had a cleanshaved head, and this scragglylooking thing. Jimmy if you were making me an espresso, i wouldnt be surprised. I kind of looked like i was in the gay s m stuff. What was funny, when we first started shooting, and june is pride month in new york city. Jimmy right. There was an extra amount of gay guys in there. And i got to tell you, i didnt get one look. I got nothing. Im officially im old to everybody now. Jimmy were going to turn that around. Were going to take a break. Bill burr is with us from the king of staten island. Well be right back. Hold on one second. Sure. Okay. Okay safe drivers save 40 guys guys check it out. Safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him hes here. Hes right here. Hi hi. Hey thats totally him. Its him thats totally the guy. Safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Im an associate here at amazon. Step onto the blue line, sir. This device is giving us an Accurate Temperature check. Youre good to go. I have to take care of my coworkers. Thats how i am. I have a son, and he said, one day im gonna be like you, im gonna help people. Youre good to go, maam. I hope so. This is my passion. If i can take of everyone who is sick out there, i would do it in a heartbeat. New force flex plus, bright colors febreze freshness. New force flex plus, bright colors at mercedesbenz, nothing service will do. Class thats why were expanding your range of choices. Many dealers now offer optional pickup delivery and athome maintenance, as well as Online Shopping with Home Delivery and special finance arrangements. So, whether you visit your local dealer or prefer the comfort of home you can count on the very highest level of service. Get 0 apr financing up to 36 months on most models, and 90day firstpayment deferral on any model. When we closed our wynn committed instantly to keeping all 15,000 team members onboard. We then focused our fivestar level of service to all who needed it. We made improvements to peoples lives. We strove to be better and we made people happy. This closure may have temporarily taken us out of wynn and encore, but it couldnt take the wynn and encore out of us. And now, we are proud to welcome you back. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Bill burr is with us from his house. He has a new baby at home. Were you in the delivery room, did they let you in . Or because of covid are they not allowing that . Because of covid, it was like a bronx tale. Once you go in, you cant leave. Jimmy were you of any help . No, and i shouldnt be, im not a doctor. When you go to jiffy lube, are you of any help . Do you get underneath the car . Thats not my job, i got her there before she had the kid, and then i pay the bills. So yes, i was of help. Jimmy your show, f is for family, its very funny. You have mike from breaking bad. Is that where you met him . Jonathan banks. Jimmy jonathan banks, yeah, hes on the show now. And my family were huge fans of him all the way back to Beverly Hills cop, he was the heavy that shakes down axel foley. Spoiler alert if you havent seen it, its, like, 40 years old. He shakes down axels friend. Hey, mikey. Did you get lost . Remember that guy . Thats him. Jimmy i didnt realize that. Wow. In my house, that was a catch phrase. If you were late for dinner, what happened, mikey, did you get lost . That meant you were in trouble. You were going to get whacked or whatever. He was so cool to meet, got to know him. Just a great guy. And now hes doing the cartoon. Jimmy so each night we have a charity. You chose st. Judes childrens research hospital. A great organization, they do so many great things for children and families who need it. Im going to make a donation in your honor. St. Jude. Org is the website, if you want to join me. Bill burr, king of staten island, f is for family, and a very funny podcast. Thank you, and congratulations on the baby. All right, jimmy, thank you, buddy. Jimmy well be right back. Add some resistance. Sara, your movie plus trial is about to expire. Do you want to continue or cancel . Ca upital one knpdatu ab. And helps you fix them. Another way capital one is watching out for your money when youre not. Whats in your wallet . The wind in your hair. The feeling of freedom that drives us to go out and discover. At chevy, were committed to getting you there with confidence and peace of mind. Thats why your chevy clean dealers commit to using enhanced vehicle cleaning measures with cdcapproved cleansers. 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Friskies cat 1 look friskies ocean favorites yum if yoyoull get 2 vyears or 20,000 miles of scheduled carefree maintenance. 3 years or 36,000 miles of 24 7 roadside assistance. 4 years or 50,000 miles bumpertobumper limited warranty. 5 years of connected services. And for 6 years you wont have paid any interest. Down the road, youll be grateful you bought a volkswagen today. Jimmy thats all the time we have, i want to thank mike burr. Nightline is next, if you need me, ill be right here watching you sleep. This is nightline. Tonight, small businesses, struggling to survive the pandemic. How are they going to feed their families . Seeking help from the government, at times falling flat on promises of financial relief. Now we follow the money, why some businesses walked away loans they didnt need, while many of the most vulnerable got nothing. Plus, cases of covid19 surging to their highest level in the u. S. In months. Nearly 35,000 cases in one day. Now the otherwise healthy patients stuck with longterm symptoms, leaving doctors stumped. You think youve beat it. And then you have