Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20240713

Now, this is from a horse race in tampa bay on saturday. And it would seem that we have a winner in our midst. King guillermo now going to the lead. Inside the final furlong, do you believe this . King guillermo. He wins impressively. Look, im a jockey jimmy i had no idea you were racing. Whats your horses name, guillermo . Pepe. [ laughter ] jimmy pepe. Its also his dogs name coincidentally. The coronavirus this coronavirus is all i hear about from whoo . [ laughter ] people are selling off stocks and buying up toilet paper. And if you are buying up toilet paper, i have a question. Why are you buying up toilet paper . I think youve got the body upside down because people are canceling events. The south by southwest festival in austin was canceled over the weekend. Theres talk they may hold nba games with no fans in the crowd. Italy the country is closed. For real. I try ton get too worked up about this sort of thing, but then i saw this headline over the weekend, and for me now this is serious. Costco is pulling their free samples. [ laughter ] trump needs to send mike pence to costco to figure this out right now. This is also scary news for costco shoppers. This was from the weekend too. O. J. Posted, coronavirus . Whos afraid . [ laughter ] i dont know. Are those two separate questions or one . Because whenever youre out in a mask were afraid, all of us. [ laughter ] ive been doing my part to fight the coronavirus. The virus we are trying to spread is called the elbump. There it is. Elbump. We branded this last week. And it seems to be catching on. For instance on kelly and ryan, theres Whitney Cummings doing the elbump very elegantly. Mike and tony from pardon the interruption. Djimon hounsou. Coach k and roy williams. Even Vice President mike pence is participating. Put it there, soul brother. Keep doing that. Just get in the habit of doing it. The president publicly seems determined to keep shaking hands. He has said that and that he will not cancel his rallies. But a report today from vanity fair says he is privately terrified about getting the virus and thinks journalists will try to purposefully contract coronavirus to give it to him on air force one. [ laughter ] well, that doesnt seem paranoid at all. On friday the president signed a funding bill from congress to help combat the virus. And really Pay Attention to what he says here. So were signing the 8. 3 billion. I asked for 2 1 2, and i got 8. 3. And ill take it. Jimmy he only asked for 2 1 2 billion. Congress said we authorize 8. 3 billion. And hes bragging that he wanted less . I dont know. It doesnt he somehow finds a way to brag about everything. And at the signing somebody asked him about Elizabeth Warren and whether sexism played a role in her campaign not working out. And youre going to be surprised to hear he doesnt. She destroyed Mike Bloomberg very quickly. Like it was nothing. It was easy for her. People dont like her. Shes a very mean person. And people dont like her. People dont want that. They like a person like me, thats not mean. [ laughter ] jimmy see you, losers. I like when he unbuttons his shirt a little. Trump was up bright and early this morning trying to downplay the virus. He wrote, so last year 37,000 americans died from the common flu. It averages between 27,000 and 70,000 per year. Nothing is shut down. Life and the economy go on. At this moment there are 546 confirmed cases of coronavirus with 22 deaths. Think about that. No, you think about that. [ laughter ] youre the one whos president. 546 and 22 deaths is not good news. If you found out 546 of your friends were on tik tok you wouldnt be like, okay, well, glad thank god thats over. [ laughter ] the president stopped by cdc headquarters on friday. That is the center for disease control. To explain to the experts who are working on the virus that hes an expert too. I like this guy. You know, my uncle is a great person. He was at m. I. T. I taught at m. I. T. For i think like a Record Number of years. He was a great super genius. Dr. John trump. I like this stuff. I really get it. Theyre surprised that i understand. Every one of these doctors said how do you know so much about this . Maybe i have a natural ability. Maybe i should have done that instead of running for president. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah. I agree with that. Theyve all the nobel prizes you would have won by now. [ laughter ] everyone relax. Trumps uncle was a super genius. The president then treated these Health Officials to another helping of humility. Watch the guy on the right here. This is dr. Steve monroe. Hes one of the top experts on lab science and safety in the world. And watch his face as the president speaks. Theyre making millions of more as we speak. But as of right now and yesterday anybody that needs a test thats the important thing. And the tests are all perfect. Like the letter was perfect. The transcription was perfect. This was not as perfect as that but pretty good. [ applause ] jimmy thats a look of some kind of a mix between i wish i was dead and oh, my god, were actually going to be dead. But the tests are perfect. Everythings perfect. Thats why trump fired his chief of staff over the weekend. He was too perfect. Mick mulvaney, trumps fourth chief of staff in three years, is out. Hell be replaced by congressman mark meadows. Mick mulvaney, now mark meadows. Hes working his way through the ms. Keep your fingers crossed, matthew modine. [ laughter ] meanwhile, trump was apparently upset that mulvaney went to vegas during this corona emergency. Which would make himself if he himself hadnt been upset from his Vacation Home in florida, where he went during the emergency. Now, efforts are being made to slow the virus on a local level. The mayor of new york, bill de blasio, is urging new yorkers to stay indoors and stay off the subway. Basically the mayor is telling new yorkers to avoid new york at all costs. [ laughter ] de blasio also said new yorkers should refrain from shaking hands, which that one shouldnt be a problem. Most new yorkers dont even like to make eye contact with one another. [ laughter ] but this report to me it shines a light on how the coronavirus is being received in the big apple. Im not doing anything different. I still wash my hands when i go eat or go out. And i still wash up. Im washing my hands for at least 20 seconds. Often. Im washing my hands more. But not for 20 seconds. I dont have the patience for that. [ laughter ] jimmy but she did have the patience to tie that scarf into six giant knots. [ laughter ] thats why i always say be patient or be a patient. Its been my motto since 1973. This is interesting. Senator ted cruz announced yesterday hes placed himself under selfquarantine because of the virus. So every cloud has a Silver Lining i guess. Ted calls it a selfquarantine. Others call it having no friends. [ laughter ] but ted cruz decided to put himself under house arrest because he shook hands with a carrier at cpac the week before last. And i am worried about ted. Hes actually spending his quarantine backstage at our show. Can we bring him out for a second . Oh, here he is right here. Okay. There he is. Well, hey [ applause ] senator, i do want to ask, is everything okay in there . Im doing fine, jimmy. Just doing my part to keep america safe. Jimmy okay. Well, thats what i like to hear. I hope youre okay. I really do. Thanks, jimmy. Can i get a sprinkle of that food . Jimmy oh, yeah. Absolutely. Ill give a little. There. Eat it all. Okay . [ laughter ] hey, hes got some algae on his belly. Lets get that cleaned off. Hes a senator. Have some respect, for gods sake. Ill see you later, senator cruz. Good luck. [ cheers and applause ] is that more than youre supposed to give . Joe biden is not under selfquarantine. He is out there spreading his brand of kooky common sense to anybody who will listen, including this confused crowd in kansas city. Turning this primary from a campaign thats about negative attacks into one thats about what were for because we cannot get reelect we cannot win this reelection excuse me. We can only reelect donald trump. If in fact we get engaged in this circular firing squad. Jimmy oh, boy. I dont know. It feels [ applause ] its kind of its like hes losing a debate against himself. [ laughter ] the main event on abc tonight was part one of a twonight Season Finale of the bachelor. Were down to the final two loves of peters life, madison and hannah ann. And this is the time on the show when the last two get vetted by the family of the bachelor. But this season was a very strange team effort. Peters little brother got things going by asking whether the fact that madison, who is saving herself for marriage, he asked if that might be a problem for his sexloving older bro. Obviously, youre very physical in relationships. And edilets assume you go with maddie. And tonight youre talking about this whole period of not actually still having sex until youre fully married. And do you think thats something that you realistically see yourself doing . Jimmy and if not could you maybe show me some pictures of what youre doing . [ laughter ] who glued the facial hair onto that kids face . He just wants to hear some sex stuff from his brother. But he wasnt the only one involved. Peters whole family made it very clear that they are not on board with the virgin madison. Everyone just kaupt on this. And i can see past this. Im not someone that just gets caught up in this. Peter, were not pushing you. Im just being real. Would you rather us lead you down the wrong road . I hear you guys, but you guys also have to trust me as much as i trust you guys. And you guys have not been dating these girls for the last two months. Jimmy thats right. And it would be weird if you had been dating them. It was quite a scene. And it was highlighted by this emotional outburst from peters mother. Hannah ann loves you with all of her heart. Dont let her go. Dont let her go. Bring her home. Bring her home to us. Shes a dream come true. And god has placed her there for you. Thats what love stories are made out of. Someone that is so madly in love with you. Youve got to stop doing this. Youve got to stop doing this. Youve got to stop doing this right now. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i tell you what. It took i think 24 seasons, we finally found the craziest woman ever to be on the bachelor. [ laughter ] it turns out to be peters mother. God placed her there for if god doesnt have time to stop the coronavirus, hes not placing women on the bachelor for peter. Okay . [ laughter ] so now peter had a real dilemma on his hands. Should he spend the next three months being engaged to and breaking up with hannah ann or with madison . And that decision got a little easier when madison eliminated herself, leaving hannah ann to run unopposed. We will learn more about that tomorrow night on the big Season Finale. But first i had my own heart to heart with the bachelor. Its time for three ridiculous questions with pilot pete. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy if you had to eat one animal at the zoo. Okay . A zoo animal. Which one would you choose . If i had to . Jimmy mmhmm. This is so bad. But probably a panda because i love panda express. I just like thats one of my favorite restaurants. So if i had to pick one i would say panda. Jimmy would you marry a woman who wears a shirt that says its wine oclock . 100 . Jimmy you would . Yeah. Absolutely. Jimmy okay. [ laughter ] youre a pilot. I am. Jimmy will people clap at the end of the flight, can you even hear that . No, actually, you cant. Jimmy so theres no point theres no reason. Because we have noise canceling headphones on to kind of help with all that air going over the windshield. And we have that cockpit door which is reinforced like crazy. So yeah, its just pretty much useless. Jimmy this is a great piece of information. Yeah. I mean, keep doing it because it makes us feel good knowing that it happened. But jimmy well, you know what . Heres to positive reinforcement no matter how ridiculous. Cheers to that. Smirnoff seltzer. The answer to all of lifes ridiculous Smirnoff Seltzer is the official seltzer of the bachelor. Drptd a dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by door dash. Pad thai. Baked pie. Half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. Baby back. Pork chop. Soda pop. Kebab. Soursop. Hot pot. Im hungry now. Noodle soup. Cantaloupe. Ice cream scoop. Whipped cream bloop. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. And those crispy onion rings. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Find something incredible, from somewhere amazing. Unique selection, unbelievable prices. Homegoods. Go finding. Yeah. Order up, its switching time. There, thats better. Switch to up to 12 hours of battery life. Switch to chromebook. Switch to chromebook. When you have nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Try pepto liquicaps for fast relief and ultracoating. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Get powerful relief with pepto bismol liquicaps. Im the founder of the honey pot. My name is beatrice dixon. To have a retailer like target see you and believe in you, is everything. The reason why its so important for honey pot to do well is so the next black girl she could have a better opportunity. That means a lot to me. Noand, silly question ki is nwont it sink . alright, im going to get back to you. Im going to get back. People ask me what sort of person should become a celebrity accountant. And, i tell them, nobody. Nobody should. Theres nothing wrong with liking privacy, but i just dont think you need a separate private plane. But i, but i want it you cant claim that as a dependent because its inanimate thats what the pay me for. Not enough, though. Not nearly enough. Hey, buddy. Whats the damage . I bought it the waterfall . Nope a new volkswagen. A volkswagen . wow i think were having a breakthrough here welcome to caesars palace. Wait, youre in vegas . Sure looks like it wha, what, what . What are you doing back there . Do you recall, not long ago we would walk on the sidewalk all around the wind blows we would only hold on to let go blow a kiss into the sun we need someone to lean on blow a kiss into the sun all we needed somebody to lean on all we need is someone to lean on you know, the happiest place on earth, but. Have you flown the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy . Or channeled your inner jedi . You gotta love that. Have you raced through radiator springs . Or struck a power pose with them . Now is the perfect time to feel like this. And this. And definitely that. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight a very funny woman from saturday night live and she has her own show on hulu too. Its called shrill. Aidy bryant is here. [ applause ] then, the album is called it is what it is. Thundercat from the mercedesbenz stage. [ applause ] and he brought friends. And this is kind of funny. So thundercats name is steve. Youre listening to this, guillermo, as if you care about what im saying. Thundercats name is steve. All the guys, all three of the guys in the band tonight are also named steve. Its like Christmas Steve here tonight on the show. [ laughter ] tomorrow night, emily blunt and jake johnson will be here. Well have music from christina aguilera. And later this week, david spade, sir patrick stewart, eiza gonzalez. Mayor Pete Buttigieg will be filling in for me as host on thursday night, and we will have music from grace vanderwaal too. So please join us for all that. [ applause ] our first guest this evening is a Worldwide Box Office champion who has the body of a greek god and the smooth head of a greek olive. His new superhero movie is called bloodshot, it opens friday. Please welcome vin diesel. [ cheers and applause ] these people risked their lives to come see you here tonight. Thank you so much. Jimmy and vice versa, by the way. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you so much. Jimmy now, you are what is your mentality about this . Are you shaking hands with people . Are you taking selfies . What are you doing to protect yourself . What a good question. Jimmy im going to put it a different way. What are you doing to protect vin diesel . [ laughter ] who in a way belongs to all of us. So true. I belong to you guys. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy are you being careful . I literally belong to you. When im doing a stunt or when im doing a combat scene, just last week we were filming. And im doing this big scene with 15 people and theyre trying to stomp my head. And you know, sometimes people are a little off and they kick me in the jaw while im doing this scene. And im thinking about you guys because i belong to you guys. Jimmy you get stomped in the head for us. I get stomped in the head for you guys because i belong to you guys. Jimmy another personal question. Where do you stand on daylight savings time . For or against . Or saving time, as they call it. Okay. So just yesterday its about 11 00. And uncle ludacris is there. Uncle larenz tate and all our kids are there. And at about 11 00 i look at everybody and i say, these kids should be sleeping. Jimmy right. And theyre getting away with murder. And theyre not acting like theyre tired. That daylight savings is a really i think we should rethink that. Jimmy i think youre right. We have to get rid of it. I think we should rethink that. Jimmy how old are the kids now . You have three kids. Pauline turns 5 next week. Jimmy oh, okay. Your little one. Yeah. On saturday. [ applause ] jimmy so what do you, like load the car up with clorox wipes and head to chuck e. Cheese . Or what will you do . No. I have to think about the guest list. Last year she wanted post malone and swae lee to perform. I dont know what shell ask for this year. But when i said who do you want to come to your party . Oh, i dont know. My friends like uncle ludacris. Jimmy she wants uncle ludacris to be there. But whats sweet about that is his daughter cadence and my daughter, they were first friends together. Jimmy thats nice. Thats kind of cute. Jimmy they can yeah. When you see them playing together, youre just aw. Jimmy and the pressures a little bit off you. And the pressures off me a little bit. Jimmy totally. Its good to see you by the way. Jimmy its good to see you too. And youre always so amazing. Jimmy oh. Thanks. [ cheers and applause ] not always. I mean, think about it. With the state of the world right now all of you are here and you all look so excited to be here. [ cheers and applause ] thats a testament to him. Thats got to Say Something. Thats got to Say Something about jimmy youre making me blush. Im really proud of him, and im not going to point any fingers, guys. Jimmy hey, this is the new flaunt magazine, which its the home issue. And in the home issue i want to ask you oh, really . Jimmy about this photo. Oh, come on. Jimmy what is your feeling on birds . Oh, good question. So its im from new york. Jimmy doves are really pigeons, right . Are they . I guess growing up i was always worried about pigeons, you know, coming through the window. Jimmy right. Then i saw on the waterfront. On the waterfront, a Marlon Brando movie. He loves pigeons. So i started to think that maybe as an actor i needed to love pigeons. Jimmy thats on the magazine. And on the flaunt website this is the followup photo from the pigeons. Whatever it is. [ applause ] this is all kinds of good luck. Which is all kinds of good luck. Thats what they say. Jimmy so this were going to talk about bloodshot in a minute but i want to ask you about fast and furious 9. Because its coming out in may. And its got im always interested in how you add what does the trailer have, 150 million views . Yes. 150 million views. At a certain point you should just make a trailer and forget about the wholl movie because if you made a dollar off each one of those views youd be fine. This movie youve added some interesting members to the team. Yes. Jimmy who have you added to the team on this one . John cena. Jimmy john cena. Super nice guy. Such a blessing to work with. And was so incredible. Obviously we have helen mirren. Jimmy helen mirren. Right. [ applause ] which is funny but now were used to this. Now were used to this. And obviously charlize. Jimmy charlize theron. [ applause ] and my daughter wanted my daughter wanted a piece of casting to happen. So cardi b. Is in it. [ applause ] jimmy your daughter said to you, dad, will you put cardi b. In the movie . And you said oh, thats a good idea. Thats a great idea. As shes listening to i like it like that. Jimmy do you call cardi b. Then and say id love to have you in the movie . You have to go through the writers and create a role that would work. Jimmy do you have people hitting you up specifically to be part of the film . Strange enough. 20 years ago you wouldnt have thought this, but now we do have oscar winners all asking to be part of the film. Its bizarre. Jimmy can you name any particular or if you could choose one of these oscar winners, who would you want . Thats a great question. I may give away a little too much if i jimmy oh, is that right . Yeah, because there are some secrets that have to be kept close to the vest for the audience because i belong to them. [ applause ] jimmy youre taking this too seriously. Im taking it too seriously because its real. I belong to them, jimmy jimmy when we come back, were going to take a break, were going to see a clip from the new one. Its called bloodshot. Vin diesel is here. Well be right back. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by paneras new unlimited coffee subscription. Panera, your cup is always full. Soaring voices sing ] [ music begins to build ] [ drums beat faster ] introducing an unlimited coffee subscription for 8. 99 a month. At panera, your cup is always full. If youre 55 and up, tmobile has a plan designed just for you. And, for a limited time only, were making it an even better deal. Now you can get two lines for only 55. That includes unlimited talk, text and data. With no annual service contracts. It also includes talk, text and data when traveling in mexico and canada. So if youre 55 and up, you can now get two lines for only 55. Because at tmobile, we have a plan designed just for you. Garrisons awake and offline. Find him and shut him down. Kill him if you have to. That one was my idea. Jimmy that is vin diesel in bloodshot. [ cheers and applause ] it opens friday. I like it already. So bloodshot is a comic book character. Bloodshot is a comic book character. Jimmy from which comic series . Valiant comics. New york times bestseller. Jimmy and what is the story about bloodshot . What is his thing . Hes a soldier who is enhanced with nannites. Jimmy nanites . Nanites in his blood that allow him to regenerate and give him all these superpowers. But the story is an interesting story. Guy pearce is in it. Jimmy yeah, yeah. Right. Its kind of a mind puzzle, the story. So much so that guy pearce, while he was filming, two months into filming, said thank god i did memento before doing bloodshot. Because i wouldnt have understood this at all. Jimmy it opens on friday the 13th. Are you superstitious at all . Isnt that a great day to open . Jimmy i guess. I dont know. Is it . [ cheers and applause ] if you think it is. I think its the perfect date. Jimmy isnt your mother into astrology . How did you know . Yes. Jimmy i think we talked about it one time a long time ago. Now, when you say shes into it, is she just consuming it or does she call you and say when we were younger, thats how she made a living. She would do peoples charts. Jimmy she did their charts. Yeah. Jimmy would she do that for you . She used to say she couldnt do it for me because she was too close and she would be biased. Jimmy isnt it supposed to be, though, very specific as to what time you were born, what day you were born . Yes. Jimmy so the personal stuff comes into it as well . Yes. Jimmy the way she did it. Well, she got a masters in psychology to back it. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy so was she working as a psychologist at the time as well . Yeah. Jimmy would she ever combine them . Essentially. Jimmy really . Yeah. Shes jimmy and would insurance cover the whole thing, then . [ laughter ] thats a great question. What sign are you . Im a scorpio. [ applause ] how awesome. Do you know your moon and your rising . Jimmy no. I dont know my moon or my rising. Next question. Dont know your rising, bro . Jimmy but people do often guess what my sign is weirdly. They seem to know it right off the bat. Your friend is Michael Caine, correct . Yes. Jimmy how old is Michael Caine now . 86. Jimmy and how did you guys become friends . Thats a very good question. We were at a party, oscar party, maybe 15 years ago. And he was across the room. And he came over. I was doing some Michael Caine impressions at some point on some jimmy got you. And he comes over, he says, you do me. I know who you are. I said, i love you. And huge fan of his. And i quoted every line from alfie. And then he invited me to his birthday party. Jimmy oh. And i had just cast Dame Judi Dench for chronicles of riddick. And he said, you know who you would really love to work with also . Helen mirren. And this was 15 years ago. And we just became the best of friends. Jimmy wow. Do you text and stuff . We go to dinner. Jimmy you go to dinner. While i was in london filming fast, when i wasnt able to come off set, when i was working the 18 hours, he would take my kids to dinner. Jimmy really . Wow. Thats better than ufrnlgll le uncle ludacris. He doesnt take the kids to dinner. [ laughter ] right. And when pauline was about to be born, the doctor had said she was going to be born in april. And he we had dinner. We did obviously the last hunter together in pittsburgh. And he says to me no, paulines going to be born on the 14th. And i said why . He said because thats my birthday. And lo and behold she was born on the 14th. Jimmy whats his moon . Whats his rising . Do you know . [ laughter ] im not [ applause ] no, im not doing this. That was low. Guys. Say something. I belong to you. Jimmy vin diesel, everybody. Bloodshot opens friday. Well be back with aidy bryant. [ cheers and applause ] elevator rings great bag. Twins excited intake of breath my bosss boss, has the same taste in bags. I knew we were similar. Just two fashion forward powerful women with great style. Although, ill bet she overpaid for hers, i mean, i got this italian leather beauty for way less at t. J. Maxx which is good business. I think shed appreciate smart decisions like that. Oooh, i should tell her this is gonna be americas favorite breakfast. They just dont know it yet. ding these are a few of my favorite things. Wendys is changing the game from this. To a breakfast that eats other breakfasts for breakfast. These are a few of my favorite things. Who says you cant have a baconator for breakfast . Dont just grab a coffee. Grab a frostyccino instead. And forget that frozenfoldedeggstuff. All of these have freshcracked eggs. One bite and itll be your new favorite. Guaranteed. Thats right. So, you up for this . Favorite things yeah sprdual camera system with paulultrawide on iphone 11 new paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. paul and because sprint likes to do things differently, theyre offering a 100 total satisfaction guarantee. While i think their network and savings are great, you dont just have to take my word for it. Try it out and see the savings for yourself. sprintern now thats a picture perfect deal. Smile. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Its not getting in my way. . I had enough joint pain, swelling, tenderness. Much better. 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Thats right, turbotax free is free. Ill b waiting here waiting just for you welcome to my world dicky if youre going to be in the l. A. Area and want to see the show, go to jimmykimmellive. Com. With chicken or shrimp fajitas now on chilis 3 for 10. ita is a little bit. sizzling oh, so delicious. And a whole lotta. crunching thats a fajita, starter and drink for just 10 bucks. So lets go out to ita find something incredible, from somewhere amazing. Unique selection, unbelievable prices. Homegoods. Go finding. Homegoods. So the thing no one tells you about tampons . You gotta change sizes to match your flow. Only tampax pearl makes five. So if it hurts to remove . Go down a size. Leaking . Go up one. And every size has our leakguard braid for backup protection. Find your flow combo with tampax. What started at my dining room table, has grown into a serious operation. Thats why i chose the spark cash card from capital one. With unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back in just one year which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer and i saw 69 growth year over year my spark card is more than a credit card. It has actually helped me grow my business. Whats in your wallet . It has actually helped me grow my business. Cheezit snapd. How does it taste . Its so thin, crispy and cheesy. And i just want to keep eating it. Ive done it and eating it. they love em snapd. So good, we may run out of cheese. Written for the bold thand the daredevils. Ny what happens here. Only happens here. For ralphies appointment. Whos his groomer . Carrie. Full groom for sure what . I just booked ralphies appointment online. That work . Wait you what . Its that easy download the app or book online at petsmart. Com be yto be what you must,a. Just reach out for what you are. And though youve traveled. Many roads. Theres but one way. The one you chose. Want a laptop you dont have to charge like ten times a day . Its switching time. To a chromebook with up to 12 hours of battery life. Or how about one with automatic updates that wont interrupt your game. Like that one. Go get em tiger or builtin virus protection so you wont lose all your stuff. Whoa there, thats better. So yeah, if you want all that, switch to chromebook. Jimmy welcome back. On the way our next guest is an emmynominated writer and performer in her eighth season of saturday night live and she has a job on the side too. Season 2 of her series shrill is on hulu now. Please say hello to aidy bryant. [ cheers and applause ] how are you . Im good. Jimmy thanks for, you know, indulging me in that. By the way, you were on saturday night live this weekend. Yeah. Jimmy and now here you are. You flew out here to be here. Thank you for doing that. What was it like on the plane . I thought it was going to be scarier. But it felt like a normal plane ride. Jimmy were there people on it . People were on it. We all had snacks. Everybody got off. Jimmy no problems, huh . Im a hero. Jimmy you really are. You write for saturday night live also, right . Yeah. Jimmy and of course you write your own show. Which is more fun or hard or whatever to write for . Because youre writing for yourself entirely on your show. Yeah. Well, theyre two very different beasts. Snl im like in a wig and its kooky and i might play a chicken or who knows. What . But on shrill im like much closer to myself. And sometimes youre writing sex scenes. And then as im writing them with the writers room or whatever i forget that im writing for my own crotch. [ laughter ] its my own body that will have to do those things. Jimmy not a third party crotch. Thats right. Not just someone coming in. Jimmy speaking of sex scenes, i was watching the show and theres a very funny scene where you and your boyfriend are in like the park and then this like Boy Scout Troop comes wandering by. Yeah. Jimmy what do your parents think about the sex scenes . [ laughter ] because yeah, i dont think they like love it. Jimmy they dont. Yeah. And like you know, my dad basically i think asks my mom to tell him when theyre done. So he leaves the room. Jimmy oh, he does . Yeah. He cant handle it. I mean, hes right. And my mom, when i first told her theres going to be some sex scenes in the show, she did ask me smep was like, do you have to make the noises . [ laughter ] and i think she maybe thought someone would dub in like ooh, ah. But i was like, its me. Jimmy do you have to make the noises . Yeah, yeah. Jimmy who in your family is most excited about your show Business Career . Oh, gosh. Well, everyone. But also my grandma is like a true diehard. My grammy in tucson. She but shes been like my number one fan from day one, you know. Jimmy nice. She really thinks i can do no wrong, and she thinks i should do a lot more in entertainment. Like shes always pushing me to sing. And im not a singer. And pretty much every time i visit her shes like, sing for us. Sing for us right now. [ laughter ] and shell be like, you should sing some judy garland. And im like, i think back in the day thats how they used to entertain each other. Like someone would step up and be like hello, baby, or whatever. But now even when my brother and i are together shes like you should be a singing duo. Travel the country. And ill tell you, we should not. Jimmy you should not be a singing duo. No. Its not a good idea. Jimmy your show shrill is set in portland. Yeah. Jimmy do you shoot it in portland . Oh, yeah. We really do. I love it there. Its the best. Food is incredible. Its a dream. Jimmy its a cool town for sure. And is that where you initially decided because i know youre from arizona originally. You wanted to get away from the family . Yes. Thats right. No, no. I mean, thats you know, the show is based on a memoir thats set in the pacific northwest. So we kind of wanted to stay true to that. But yeah, its really nice. My husband like comes and visits me. Jimmy on the set . Yeah. On the set. And we like make a little time of it. Actually, we went to this restaurant called med lud which is like this very fancy place and they make everything from scratch including the butters and the rolls and the vegetables they grow there. But they sat us on this like communal bench kind of. It was like us and another couple. And were the ladies seated next to me. But i noticed that they were like acting very weird. You know, they kept looking at each other and then look at us. And they didnt order any food. Jimmy that is weird. At this place where like everything is about the food. And then they just paid for their drinks. And the whole time i had felt like a vibration that i thought her phone was going off. Jimmy uhhuh. And then right as they paid for the check she like turned to me and was like, its a Remote Control vibrator, and its amazing. [ laughter ] and i was stunned to my core. And i realized how different our vibes were. [ laughter ] because i had gone there to eat like 3,000 calories of like homemade butter. And they had gone there to like be horny in public. [ laughter ] but i guess that is how im horny in public. Jimmy same here. Yes. [ applause ] jimmy yeah, i dont need that. No, no. Jimmy you went to an all Girls Catholic School in phoenix. I lived in phoenix for a few years. I know that school you went to. Its a wow. Its a bad one. Jimmy how did you come away from that . Feeling more catholic or less . Well, i wasnt catholic to begin with. Jimmy oh. So the whole time i was there i was like whoa, whoa, whoa. Whats going on . Everybodys standing and singing and wow. Jimmy yeah, youve got to know the things. Yes. Jimmy i grew up catholic as well. You know, and when i go to chich i know the right times to do things. And i like to lord it over those who dont. I didnt, and i was at all times like whoa, whoa. Very behind. Jimmy were you into theater and all that stuff in school . A little bit. I did the announcements at my school. Jimmy every morning . Yeah. Yeah. And we did them like over the little tv or whatever. Like a closed circuit tv. Jimmy you had a video announcement system . Yeah. Jimmy wow. And it was operated by a nun. Jimmy really . [ laughter ] yeah. My nun camera man. Jimmy so youre doing a little tv show every morning. I mean, it was about volleyball times. Yeah. Jimmy would they tell what you to say or a little bit of both. They would give us the times. And i would be like everybody get to practice at this time. But every now and then i would jazz it up and our dean would get very scared that he i was going to go rogue and like Say Something nasty. So she would often sort of pull me off to the side and be like you cant be flip. The flipness isnt going to fly on the tv. Because i think she thought i was flippant. Which im not. Im like emotionally unwell because i care so much. Jimmy did that make you like a celebrity in the school, that people saw you on the closed circuit each day . I guess you could say that. Sure. The teens of phoenix, arizona really thought i was something. Jimmy well, the show is very funny. Both shows are very funny. Saturday night live and season 2 of shrill on hulu. Aidy bryant, everybody. Thank you, aidy. Well be back with thundercat. [ cheers and applause ] dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by the 2019 aclass. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Where the prices make all the dresses yeses. Yeah save 20 to 60 percent off Department Store prices on our best selection of spring dresses. The ross spring dress event, on now what . Oooh. Ahhh. No. Yeah . Yes oh yeah si. Yes. Thats the sound of saving 20 to 60 percent off Department Store prices. At ross. Yes for less. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedesbenz, the best or nothing. Jimmy i want to thank vin diesel, aidy bryant and peter the bachelor. Apologies to matt damon. Nightline is next, but first, this is his album, it is what it is. His friends are steve lacy, flying lotus, and steve arrington. Here with the song black qualls, thundercat [ cheers and applause ] i just bought a crib on top of the hill and i bought a brand new ride am i keepin it real theres nothin wrong if you got it im not livin in fear im just bein honest cause theres no more livin in fear no more livin in fear if we dont talk about it then who will i know i give a different vibe yeah i do just what i like whoa, whoa, whoa then who will im dont need you cosign who will cause im young enough and im old enough both at the same time who will hey dont trip on my aggression baby cause i can go in new directions baby im just tryna live my life do my best and thats alright who will yes im comfortable and thats whats tight who will just moved out the hood doesnt mean im doin it good wanna post this on the gram but dont think i should is it just for me or am i paranoid gotta keep it on the low cause i been robbed before sometime i wanna say that im blessed black mans grind gon answer the test ah, the box you tried to throw me in dont fit me no more, no creative spirit talkin creative spirit walkin and i dont wanna hurt nobody hurt nobody hurt nobody cause theres no more livin in fear no more livin in fear if we dont talk about it then i do just what i like i dont need your cosign because im young enough and old enough at the same time dont trip on my aggression, baby cause i can go in many directions, baby im just trying to live my life im just trying to do whats right this funk will make you say ay yi yi this funk will make you say ay yi yi this funk will make you say ay yi yi [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. Tonight, the Floating City under siege by a silent killer. Its been kind of scary. Its been crazy. Cases of the coronavirus spiking in the u. S. , crippling the vulnerable on sea and land. It will be given to guests with more Urgent Medical needs. Half of my lung is pneumonia. So i dont know how much longer i have. Plus, president ial promises. I will let you know about some of the economic steps were taking, which will be major. Fighting financial fallout from a covid19 crisis. Concerns mounting about possible