Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20240714

Because mostly i just keep doing this. But over the last couple weeks my future and maybe even my destiny has become more clear. My plan is to move to newfoundland to become mayor of a small but fascinating town. The people of have a new neighbor. One of the oldest motorcycle clubs in the country. And the Small Community making a big statement about plastic bags. These stories plus dildos ready for jimmy kimmel if jimmy is ready for dildo. Yes, he is. Hes never been more ready for dildo. Right, guillermo . Oh, right, guillermos not here because guillermo is in dildo. Hes leading my advance team. And word on the street in dildo is theres a lot of excitement for his visit. Any sign of guillermo yet . Well, caroline, not yet. Were still waiting around to see. But everyones eyes are peeled for guillermo and thats what everyones talking about too. Theyre wondering where he is, when hes going to arrive. Jimmy thats pretty much what we wonder every day here at work. [ laughter ] its like a tropical storm. Anyway, minutes from now we will check in with guillermo, who is in dil we want to hear all about his first dildo experience. [ laughter ] i dont know. I think this plan makes sense for me. The United States and canada have one of if not the closest relationship of any two countries in the world. We share the worlds longest border. Our militaries work hand in hand. We have the largest trading relationship of any two nations on the planet. But we also have donald trump, which complicates things. And this is an interesting nugget. Back in 2017 our president sent handwritten notes to the canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, and he wrote those notes in sharpie. For real. Axios reported when trudeau got the first note in sharpie he felt it was a prank. They called the white house to make sure the notes were really from trump. Somebody had to say, yeah, yeah, he sent it in sharpie. Not just sharpie. Silver sharpie. He used a silver sharpie pen. So one of the notes he wrote on the cover of Bloomberg Business week, Justin Trudeau is on the cover, and they called him the antitrump. And trump wrote, looking good. Hope its not true. [ laughter ] just to recap, trump tore the cover off a magazine, wrote on it in sharpie, and mailed it to the Prime Minister of canada. Like the Zodiac Killer or something. [ laughter ] Justin Trudeau, by the way, isnt the president s only pen pal. Trump was bragging this weekend about a love letter he received from his man in north korea. I got a very beautiful letter from kim jong un yesterday. It was delivered, handdelivered it was a very positive letter. What did he say . Id love to give it to you. I really would. He really wrote a beautiful, from top to bottom, a really beautiful letter. Jimmy so beautiful his lip gets all sweated up talking about it. [ laughter ] he mentioned his three pages from top to bottom. As if word count like its a book report. And if that wasnt enough he tweeted about the letter too. He said the letter contained a small apology for test the shortrange missiles. Im sure that id love to see it. I bet anything theres no snaul apology, theres no apology of any size in that letter. That is a load of crap. But he went on and he said i look forward to seeing kim jong un in the not too distant future. This is how he responds after a missile launch. He probably saw the word launch and thought it said lunch. [ laughter ] he was like, hey. It was like he made a friend at dictator cam. And now he wants to have a sleepover. I dont know what his plan is with this but the president has shown kim jong un so much affection, watch this. Watch this and try to imagine him saying any of this stuff about melania. My relationship is very good with chairman kim. I have a very Good Relationship with kim jong un. Gre relationship with kim jong un. I think the relationship that weve developed has meant so much to so many people. I have a Good Relationship with him. I like him. He likes me. Hes quite a guy and quite a character. And i think our relationship is very strong. He follows my twitter. But hes never had a relationship with anybody from this country and hasnt had lots of relationships anywhere. The relationship is really a good one. We respect each other. We respect each other. Maybe we like each other. And then we fell in love. Okay . No, really. He wrote me beautiful letters. And theyre great letters. We fell in love. Jimmy well, there you are. [ cheers and applause ] theyre going to have some ugly kids. Meanwhile, the frontrunner for the democrats has been having some trouble with his mouth. Joe biden made not one but two dopey comments at the iowa state fair. This one on the subject of donald trump. Everybody knows who donald trump is. Even his supporters know who he is. Weve got to let him know who we are. We choose unity over division. We choose science over fiction. We choose truth over facts. [ laughter ] jimmy thats what happens when you let him out in the sun without a hat. Even Kellyanne Conway was like, what . [ laughter ] then bide hen to tap dance his way out of this. We have this notion that somehow if youre poor you cannot do it. Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids. Wealthy kids. Black kids. Asian kids. Jimmy Cabbage Patch kids. Sour patch kids. [ laughter ] its oh, boy. [ cheers and applause ] well, at least hes saying this stuff by accident. But biden isnt backing down. Hes not making excuses. This is a man who speaks his mind, whether it makes a bit of sense or not. Im running for president because i believe this country can do better than the divisiveness and hate of donald j. Crew. I believe america should work for everyone, whether youre rich or stupid, black or ma male or transvegetable, chicken or fish, woman or baby goat. Were all part of this great country. And next september we need to send a message to arnold trump. Hasta la vista, baby. So please join us by sending 303027 to http hashtag 3022 dot aol at gmail. Im joe mama and i approve this message. [ applause ] jimmy heres one for joe mama. My campaign to lead the into to dildo is really heating up. They ask a question of the week on the local tv there. This was the question this week. In our nqo question of the week we asked do you think jimmy kimmel should run for mayor of dildo . Well have the results on monday. Jimmy okay. Well, its monday, and the results are in. Lets see how i did. Time now for the results of our nqo question of the week. This woke we asked you do you think jimmy kimmel should run for mayor of dilledo . And heres what you said. 52 of you said yes. 48 of you said no. Wow. Thats a close one. [ applause ] jimmy im not running against anybody. There must be some kind of russian interference here because i mentioned that my advance team touched down in dildo this weekend. Theyre distributing signs all over the community for supporters to post around town. You can see weve got a sign there by the water. Weve got signs on peoples homes. Weve got it at the dildo brewing company. They posted a sign. And also outside the coffee shop, which is our official campaign headquarters. And lets go live to those headquarters now to dildo coffee and crab where guillermo has landed. [ applause ] hi, everyone. Hi, guillermo. Hows dildo . Guillermo dildo is great. Fantastic jimmy it is . Are you excited to be there . Guillermo ive been excited. People here are very friendly. I love dildo. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy why does it sound like youre reading a script in a hostage video . [ laughter ] guillermo never, jimmy. Thats from the bottom of my heart. Jimmy really . Because i saw a Text Exchange that you had with one of our producers, jen. And she said hey, lets put the text up. She said, hey, guillermo, were sending you to dildo all next week. And you said i think is bull [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] and then she said, we have you booked on a red eye sunday night. And you said, so is confirmed is bull [ bleep ]. The whole week . Unbelievable. [ laughter ] guillermo jimmy. Jimmy yes. Guillermo i was drunk, jimmy. [ laughter ] jimmy how does that differ from all right. Are you happier now that youre there . Guillermo im very happy, jimmy. Its so nice. So beautiful. Jimmy what did your wife say when you told her you were leaving her for dildo . [ laughter ] guillermo she told me bring me something from dildo. Jimmy okay. Now, tell me about the town. What are your impressions so far . Guillermo so far its so good, jimmy. Everybody like i say is friendly. Its nice. Its a beautiful city here. Jimmy andrew is next to you. Andrew pretty. Hes been helping us organize our campaign. How is giermo fitting in . Is he doing a good job representing me . He was until we seen that text. [ laughter ] jimmy well, dont worry, guillermo, youll only be there for a whole week explaining that. Guillermo its okay, jimmy. I like dildo. Jimmy oh, okay. Andrew, hows it going . How am i doing . How am i polling . I saw 52 to 48. Im concerned. The thing is we dont have an electoral college. So the majority vote goes. So we now how that worked for trump. Jimmy all right. John is also there. John reed. He performed an original song last week. John, what was the name of the song . Just remind us. The dildo song. Jimmy the dildo song. I love that song. Have you been signed to a label yet . Have you been receiving any calls . No. But jimmy, its just like weve got a big thing going here now. Jimmy now, i also see someone very special just behind guillermo. We saw a news clip last week and they asked the locals if they believed i was going to actually come to dildo and everyone said no except for one man and that is this gentleman, my new best friend in dildo, brent. Hello, brent. Hows it going . [ applause ] im nug. Jimmy nug . Why do they call you nug . Because i aint shaped like a french fry. [ laughter ] jimmy i see. Okay. Well, what are we going to do for fun, brent, when i get there . Oh, buddy, ive got some spots to show you. Good times. Jimmy you do . Are you going to show guillermo any of those spots . Oh, hes coming later on tonight after we leave here. Guillermo. Guillermo thats right. Hat and all. Jimmy oh, guillermo, i love this so much. Well, thank you. Hey, brent, thank you. Nug, thank you for your support. And john and andrew and everybody there. Im so glad to have you as part of the team. Can i count on you . Can i say youre part of the team . I see youre all wearing the hats and stuff. Yes . [ applause ] and youre going to go out and bang on doors in the community. Hey, by the way, since i do a show, a latenight show, id like it if you go knock on doors in the middle of the night. That seems like it would be the best, right . Whoo guillermo whatever you say, boss. Were trying to institute some of your ideas. Weve already got the dildonuts. Jammi kimmel flavor. Jimmy theyre not the right shape. But okay. [ laughter ] i was thinking something oblong. Thank you. Well be checking in with you all week. Get out there and make me the mayor of this town. We have to get going. The summer goes by fast. Guillermo, youre in charge. All right . Guillermo thats right. Were going to start right now. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and let me just say one more thing. I understand that im not canadian. But i figure if we can have a dildo running america why cant we have an american running dildo . [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. We have music from pete yorn. Whitney cummings is here. And well be right back with bob oden kirk. [ cheers and applause ] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by volkswagen. This is something bigger. That is big. Not as big as that. Big. Bigger. Big. Bigger. This is big. And thats bigger. No i, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you i cant feel the heat sprint you can trade in your hiphone 6s or newerhat now at in any condition, seriously any condition, and get the brilliant iphone xr for just 0 a month . Well, now you know. Trade up. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. Alright, so this is how you are going to say. Youll get the best deal of the year on xfinity tv and internet. And you even get this. Mike, youre on balloons. Sarah, youre gonna high five everybody. Ben, youre gonna be wowing them with your dance moves. Dont miss the xfinity best deal of the year. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Get amazing tv and internet during our best deal of the year. With huge savings of 600 over 2 years. Plus a speed upgrade to 400 megs, free for 2 years. And ask about even more savings with xfinity mobile. Click, call or visit a store today. Jimmy tonight wref we have a new netflix comedy special called can i touch it. Witney cummings is here with us. This is not her album. She had nothing to do with this. But whitney brought a sex robot that looks just like her. Its weird. This is his new album. Its called caretakers. Pete yorn from the mercedesbenz stage tonight. You can see pete live on tour starting october 9th in sapta ana, california. Tomorrow night henry wichkler will be here. Roselyn sanchez will join us. Well have music from daniel caesar. And later this week, jim gaffigan, gerard butler, david alan grier, dave salmoni and his wild animal friends, plus music from snoop dogg and the avett brothers. But not together. So please join us for that. For ten years our first guest has been playing a character who goes by many names, but you know him best as saul. He is nominated for an emmy for his work in Better Call Saul, which returns to amc early next year. Please welcome bob odenkirk. [ cheers and applause ] nute. Oh. No. This is a practice emmy. Jimmy its a practice emmy . Yeah. Jimmy did they give those to the like all the nominees . No. I got this at goodwill. [ laughter ] its some show called small wonder. Jimmy oh, that was a great show. Sure. It won best show ever. Jimmy and why did you get it . Oh, just to warm up. You know, because this is my fourth time, jimmy, and i think its the charm. I think definitely winning. Jimmy oh, really . Absolutely going to win this one jimmy okay. You know, i i think its the third time is the charm. But the competition in your category is very, very tough. How do you know youre going to win . The numbers dont lie. And i crunched them. [ laughter ] jimmy what numbers specifically did you crunch . Jimmy. Ye of little faith. Jimmy these are jacket numbers . Oh. Wow. Those are my stats. Jimmy what am i looking at . I gave 110 every time i acted this year. Jimmy 110 every time. You can look and see. 110, 110. Jimmy i am seeing a lot of 110s. All these guys are wonderful thespians. They gave it their all. 100 . But that extra 10 , thats what i got. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well, yeah, i can see. I dont know if people can see. There are a lot of 110s. But what about the ones that say 20 . Does that mean those are days you gave only 20 . Thats when there was a cubs game on. Jimmy oh. And then some of the days theres zeros actually. Which thats when i was planning my emmy speech. Distracting. Jimmy how did they get this like how did they get a reading on what percent youre giving . Oh. Its its a simple sensor. It just they put it in your lower intestine. Its a little metal wand. Jimmy how does it get in there . You ever have a colonoscopy . Jimmy yeah. Anyway. Just some information if you want jimmy nobody told me about this. I didnt know. Ive been given like oh, wow. That goes right up in there. [ laughter ] its kind of a long metal wand. That old microphone. Jimmy does it hurt . It hurts like hell jimmy it looks like it hurts. But it was worth it [ laughter ] jimmy thats the first time my reading glass have appeared on the show. I heard youre writing a memoir. I am. Jimmy youre going back all the way to the beginning of yeah. Its called comedy, comedy, comedy drama sxwrrpt is that the name . Thats the real name. Because i did comedy for most of my career. Saturday night live. Mr. Show. Many things. [ applause ] lots of stuff. And i thought i thought it would be kind of fun to write. Jimmy right. Wrong. Jimmy not true . Do you remember like everything . No, i dont remember a thing. Jimmy how do you get i have to interview people. And they remind you of what an ass you were. Jimmy is that what youre getting . Its true. And then people are very generous. But i dont believe them. But it is really hard to remember what you did. Jimmy youre relying on other people to remember things about you, which is kind of selfabsorbed just to start with. Its horrible. Heres the thing. If youre going to write a memoir or a biography, just pick someone you like. Jimmy to write it about . Not yourself. Pick the worst, most person in your life. Jimmy do you find people are being blunt with you and saying oh, no. Theyre mostly nice. Sometimes people say i was a [ bleep ]. But i knew that then. I was a very critical guy when i was younger. Jimmy i see. Since then ive softened up from getting punched in the head. Jimmy how did you soften up . You know. Time. Right . You stop being so critical. Jimmy a lot of people go the other way. As they get older they get more critical. Well, thats sad. Jimmy do you feel because you have two children who are older not old but theyre of breeding age certainly. Does that inhibit you when you decide no. Because ive always been really pretty honest, as honest as i could be with the kids. You know, so if i talk about, say, drugs i might say, you know, if youre going to do mushrooms be in hawaii. [ laughter ] jimmy no, thats no, but really. I didnt do a lot of drugs. So its easy for me to be honest. I didnt like them. Jimmy you didnt like them. Well, thats something. Will that be covered in the book . No. Im going to talk about showbiz stories. Pure shallow the shallowest memoir youve ever read. Thats my goal. Just showbiz. Jimmy will this appearance be in the book . It will be a huge chunk of the book. Jimmy im going to be totally honest with you. When someone i know writes a book about their life and they talk about showbiz stories i go right to the back and then i never see my name at the end. Ill jam it in there. Jimmy please. Just put me in the appendix. I dont care if im even mentioned. Ill figure out a way jimmy kimmel, jimmy. Remember i like it like that. You were raised catholic, correct . Yes. Which means im an atheist now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] first joke i ever told in standup. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy theres something for your book right there. Did you think about maybe instead of comedy, comedy, comedy drama you just call it comedy, comedy drama, then its ccd and then youve got a whole religious subtext . Oh. Jimmy did you go to ccd . Yes, i did. For years. Jimmy and it didnt take . I dont know. Maybe it worked too well. Maybe i listened too closely. Jimmy maybe so. I cant go into this. My mom might hear it. Jimmy is that right . Your mom still your moms still serious . Very. Yes. Jimmy you are going to be on the simpsons next season. Yes, i am. Guess what . Theyre letting me play a lawyer. Jimmy oh, is that is right . Your brothers a writer on the simpsons. He is. My brother bill is a wonderful hilarious person and also a doctorate in chemistry. Jimmy wow. What a waste. [ laughter ] he finished that and just walked away from it. And became a comedy writer. And hes done very well. Jimmy who are you playing on the simpsons . I play a lawyer who charges by the hour, so who talks very slowly. [ laughter ] jimmy i like that. Were going to come back. Were going to see a clip from Better Call Saul for which bob is nominated for an emmy award. Bob odenkirk. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of jumanji are brought to you by turo. Way better than a rental car. Download the app or visit turo. Com today. When crabe stronger. Strong, with new nicorette coated ice mint. Layered with flavor. Its the first and only coated nicotine lozenge. For an amazing taste. That outlasts your craving. New nicorette ice mint. I feel, i feel golden i feel like glitter on my shoulders i feel like i feel, i feel golden i feel like, oh, i feel golden tees starting at four dollars, for every school list. Milk, fresh cream and only sustainably farmed vanilla. Its made with fresh cream, sugar and milk. Breyers the good vanilla. We proudly partner with American Farmers for grade a milk and cream. Mmm but we were made to move. So move more live more degree motionsense made to move. I was invincible. I could dodge bullets, baby. And you were right. You were right. It was all about chuck. The whole time. Mr. Mcgill. Youre still here. Theres . Good news. Believe me, i already know. Oh, good. If you want to come with me to the office, theres some paperwork for you to sign. Absolutely. Lets do this thing. Oh, and sweetheart, im going to need one more form. A dba im not going to be practicing under the name mcgill. So. Shouldnt be a problem. Just down the hall we have all the forms. Great. Wait, jimmy. What . Its all good, man. Jimmy thats bob odenkirk in Better Call Saul, which is nominated for nine emmy awards. Thats a lot of emmy awards. And we are knocked out to be noticed because you know, our show is on amc, the great amc. Come on. [ applause ] jimmy you still think its a car. Because its on regular sort of tv it hasnt been on for so long. It doesnt stream this Fourth Season for a few months. Jimmy thats right. So to get nominated after all these months not on the air is really it just knocked us out. We thought wed be passed over. Jimmy and you have one of the great characters. And why isnt amc streaming . Everyones streaming everything. I dont know how anything works. Jimmy did they not have wifi . I couldnt get google to happen on my computer today. Jimmy really . Im so bad. Jimmy oh, that is bad. Its pathetic. Google. What, google jimmy are you shooting season 56 of the sh season 5 of the show right now . We are. Were almost at the end of it. And i promise you all the fans of Better Call Saul this is for sure the best season ever. Im just not 5 is really theyre pouring all their focus and attention the show was create by Vince Gilligan who jimmy hes the greatest. He created breaking bad and peter gould. And these two guys, this amazing writing staff, theyre just rolling. You know, breaking bad was so great. It built up and then it starts exploding in every direction, you know. And thats where our show is at. The wheels are coming off. Jimmy are you almost to the point where breaking bad begins . Jimmy, can i phone my lawyer . Jimmy you cant say. I cant say anything about im so eager to. I wish i could share. Jimmy all right. I look forward to seeing it. Thank you. Jimmy its always wonderful to see you. I was going to sing. Jfrpt y jimmy you were going to what . Sing . I didnt [ cheers and applause ] i didnt know that. Does the band know . No, i was going to sing later in my car. [ laughter ] and my throats a little dry. I was wondering if i could get some water. Jimmy well, theres water right there. Some fresh water i can jimmy oh, you want fresh water . This sounds like a different actor. Jimmy can we get . Fresh water, please . The water is not fresh enough here. Thank you so much. Oh, hey, dad. Thanks. Oh, hey. Its my son. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy his son nate has been youve been doing a great job. Hes been interning all summer with us. Wow. How about that . You got a job on a tv show, huh . Yeah. Its been great. I want to hear about it. Whats it called, this show . Jimmy its Jimmy Kimmel Live. Thats wonderful. Now, is it on tv . Or is it one of those youtube things i cant get a hold of . Jimmy its on abc. Weve been on almost 17 years now. Youve been on a bunch of times. Jimmy kimmel live. Jimmy kimmel. Thats your name. [ laughter ] i dont really watch tv. But is there any way for a person, a regular appearance like me to see this thing . Well, like jimmy said, its on abc. So i dont think i get that in my bundle. [ laughter ] but maybe you can make a tape for me . Anyway, congratulations. Im proud of you. This is my son. [ applause ] and oh. Tell jimmy i said hi. Jimmy, my dad says hi. Jimmy oh, tell him i return the hi. He returned the hi. This is my son nate. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hes a good kid. Thank you. Jimmy bob odenkirk, everybody. Better call saul returns to amc in 2020. Well be back with whitney come cummings. No wait ugh, sorry its ok [laughs out of breath] oh you got a fast one there just cant get him to slow down this class will help with that we get it. You got it were petsmart youre too young to watch iyour movie good boys. Ws. You kidding . I know its fudged up. Stop treating us like kids. We know how things work. This is a pretty cpr doll. I love a good story with a bunch of gibberish just as much as anybody. [ screaming ] early audiences love good boys. Your parents have an indoor swing . [ no ordinary love by sade ] what are you doing . Thats not what you think it is. Rated r. momespecially these days. 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Safe for skin with psoriasis, and eczema. sprint you can trade in your hiphone 6s or newerhat now at in any condition, seriously any condition, and get the brilliant iphone xr for just 0 a month . Well, now you know. Trade up. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Dicky if youre going to be in the l. A. Area and want to see the show, call 866jimmytix or go to jimmykimmellive. Com. Music playing good morning, i am bringing you some sad and upsetting news. First and foremost i want to. I am a journalist, i can feel when the world needs me. Because guess what, america loves me im just here to deliver the news to america, thats all i ever wanted to do. People get their horrible news, delivered to the palm of their hand. Dont you ever question my integrity in my own house again. I feel that people are screaming for an honest conversation. I can guarantee that you are underestimating me. I think they want to know the person behind the facade. 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Want to tr[dog barks]me machine . Okay. Yes [humming, thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life get out of my yard [birds chirping] jimmy . Youre so old. [crunch ] but one blows them allmany moisturizers. Out of the water. Hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. Neutrogena® and try our hydrating makeup. Jimmy still to come, music from pete yorn. Our next guest is a very funny person who hit two big milestones this year. She got engaged and helped create her own sex robot. Her new standup comedy special is called can i touch it . Its available now on netflix. Please welcome Whitney Cummings [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you doing . Im wonderful, sir. How are you . Jimmy im doing well. How is your engagement going . Congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] youve got a ring and everything. Well see. Lets be honest. The odds are stacked against me. And this is my personality. So this could go either way. Jimmy are you planning a wedding . Are you deep in that right now . Im not, sir. Jimmy youre not . Heres what ive noticed about when you at least when i get engaged, my friends start giving me advice based on the fact that they dont want to come to a wedding. Jimmy really . All my friends are like you should have a small wedding. Just a small wedding. Just you and your guy and nobody else. [ laughter ] do you not want to come to my wedding . Jimmy thats weird. Loud and clear. Jimmy your fiance is miles, correct . Correct. Jimmy what does he do for work . I dont know. Jimmy you do not know. [ laughter ] does it even matter to you . Not in the slightest. Jimmy youre a big star. Im an shallow persnot a sha. Bim on the edge of my seat in terms of what he does. He tried to explain it to me a couple of times. Im more confused every time i hear the explanation. But its good. It keeps it hot. Its like the first date. Im like what do you do, sir that lives with me . Jimmy thats how we handled my dad for like 40 years. Nobody knew what he did. [ laughter ] like is he in show business . Hes not in show business, which i think i needed. I think for me like i think there should be one famous person in the relationship. One person in like the public eye. I find the key to a healthy relationship is having power you can lord over the other person. Jimmy definitely. Intimacy is all about leverage. Like i can trap him. He cant cheat on me. Whats he going to do . Come talk about it on jimmy kimmel. Jimmy hes got no outlet. What are you going to do, miles skinner . What are you going to do . [ laughter ] good luck cheating on me. Jimmy is he like involved in is he interested in the whole show business thing, celebrities and whatnot . I was actually worried because like meeting celebrities, i mean, it is weird sometimes, especially in the beginning. I was really worried about bringing him to your wifes birthday party. Molly kimmel had a jimmy why would you be worried . Because there are famous people there. And you never know how youre going to react. Like when i first started meeting famous people i did some stupid things. Jimmy like who . When i was 250 years old i met samuel l. Jackson and i got starstruck and it manifested in me being unable to censor my thoughts. So i started saying things i was thinking out loud to sam jackson. He introduced himself to me and i responded with hi, im Whitney Cummings. How much money do you have . [ laughter ] jimmy what did sam say . He responded with a number. Jimmy oh, he gave you a number. That i know know is a very high number. But at the time i didnt know anything about hollywood or celebrities or money. So i thought every celebrity had 1 billion. Like cash. Sew said a very high number. To me it just sounded low at the time. So i responded with oh, thats it . [ laughter ] jimmy you dont stay in touch im guessing. Not so much. So i have to live with that every day. So i get the idea of being nervous. So he came to your party. Hes also not a big comedy guy. Like he watches movies like with machines, the fly arounds. Jimmy i see. Transformers. Thats right. So i think maybe he meets you, no problem. He meets Jason Bateman no, problem. Matt damon, no problem. Im like this guy doesnt jimmy how did he get into the party . [ laughter ] you know what i . Dont want to you go ahead. It makes you look good. It makes you guys look good. It makes you guys look like youre not shallow. Its good to have a couple commoners around. Jimmy all right. So were doing great. We sit down. The great j. J. Abrams comes and says hello to everybody. I know. National treasure j. J. Abrams. The most gracious, kind, weirdly kind person. Says hi to everyone. Introduces himself to my fiance. My fiance goes cold and says, whats up, dude . Whats your name . Jimmy oh. Did he not know . Oh, he knows. This is a man who stands in line to get into star wars movies. It was very clear that he he was having some kind of manic break. Jimmy i see. And felt that the best way to deal with j. J. Abrams was just to emotionally abuse him for no reason. [ laughter ] j. J. To his credit was so sweet. He was like im j. J. Abrams. I think hes seen this before, how people just start tome oceanly melt down around him. And then my fiance couldnt stop there. My fiance went, so what do you do, man . Jimmy oh, he did, yeah. [ laughter ] j. J. Abrams was so nice about it. He was like oh, i make movies. It just got worse and worse. And i was paralyzed with shame. I was so embarrassed i just froze. And then my fiance froze. Neither of us were talking to j. J. Abrams. He was just sitting there like i dont need this. He gets up and leaves. And im like what was that . What did you just do . And he said i read in a magazine that celebrities want to be treated like everyone else. [ laughter ] i was thinking, thats how you treat everyone else . [ laughter ] it was a big fight. We fought about it for a couple of weeks. Jimmy well, i hope hes learned and next time maybe youll have a nice interaction with j. J. I hope so. Jimmy well, i want to first of all, your special is very funny. Thank you. Jimmy and i watched it. I watched it from the beginning to the very, very end. Where you made this sex robot. Yeah, i did. Jimmy now, this sex robot, is it okay to reveal the name . Oh of course. Spoiler alert. Jimmy you go ahead. Her name is bear claw. Jimmy her name is bear claw. She looks like you. And you brought her shes here. Jimmy she brought her to the show. [ laughter ] shes kind of at a weird angle. Oh, there jimmy we can ask questions . Yeah. Ask her anything. Jimmy are copies of you available for sale . I wish i was for sale so i didnt have to live with whitney. [ laughter ] jimmy shes living with you. How much does this thing weigh, this sex robot . I think you should say how much does it cost . Youre turning into me talking to sam jackson. She weighs shes 120 pounds of dead weight. Carrying her around is a living nightmare. If you do get a robot of yourself, i strongly advise you to unplug your ring camera because i had a situation where i oh, no. Jimmy this is your actual ring camera from your home. This is me carrying her into the house. Jimmy and thats miles . Thats miles. Bless his heart. Jimmy well, hes positioned well. [ laughter ] why not i mean, thats a threesome youre having right there. Thats right. We are polyamorous. We are a mormon family. I forgot that i was on a shared Neighborhood Watch community. Jimmy oh. Where we would share each others ring cameras. Shortly after that video a Security Guard i didnt even know we had security in my neighborhood, came by and was like maam, there are some concerned citizens in the neighborhood that would like to know whats going on. I was like oh, my god, oh my god, you probably think that was a dead body. I totally get it. It wasnt. Come inside. Its just a robot that looks exactly like me. [ laughter ] and he was much more alarmed when he found out it was not a dead body. Jimmy he would have preferred the dead body p. He was like i would much rather you murdered an innocent woman. Jimmy its fascinating that world you dipped your toe into there. Its detailed in whitneys special. Its called whitney can i to its on netflix. Whitney cummings, everyone. Well be right back with pete yorn. [ cheers and applause ] dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by the all new 2019 aclass. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy thanks to bob odenkirk and Whitney Cummings. Apologies to matt damon. We ran out of time for him. Nightline is next but first, this is his album. Its called caretakers. Here with the song calm down, pete yorn [ cheers and applause ] all is well in my hometown people sleeping in the streetlight if theres a memory at all i wish i knew then what i know now calm down you know im tellin the truth and when i look at you you know im tellin the truth calm down i never had to choose cause when i look at you i know theres nothin to lose all is well in your world now people dreamin through the daylight all the melodies come back i wish i knew then what i know now calm down you know im tellin the truth and when i look at you you know im tellin the truth calm down i never had to choose cause when i look at you i know theres nothin to lose all the tears ive cried but i wouldnt change a thing no i wouldnt change a thing all the times weve tried but i wouldnt change a thing calm down no i wouldnt change a thing calm down calm down but i wouldnt change a thing [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. Tonight, suicide scandal. Jeffrey epsteins accusers outraged. I really wanted justice. I really wanted him to be put in jail or prison. What it now means for the case. Whats fueling wild conspiracy theories surrounding his death and finger pointing at the prison. Caught off guard. Plus, reveal repeal. Celebration, jubilation. Now contemplation. Rethinking gender reveal parties. The problem was the expectations were putting on our kids. The woman who started it all now having second thoughts about putting a label on baby. But first, the nightline five