Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170830

Hurricane donald ravaged much of the country yesterday. The effects are still being felt and talked about. I dont know about you, i dont know about your world, but i feel like this is the only thing anyone talks about. Trump and maybe game of thrones. Thats it. [ laughter ] and game of thrones only has two episodes left. So were kind of screwed when that goes. Last night on our show, if you missed it, i had a message for those who voted for donald trump. I explained that i understood why they did it but encouraged those of them who deep down feel like now they look back and made a mistake, to just admit it and move on. And i think, i have to say i think it might have worked. I really think i made a breakthrough. And i base that on the thoughtful responses i got on twitter and facebook. [ laughter ] from people like thomas who wrote, why dont you go somewhere else like a different country if you dont like our president and stop your crying on tv, snowflake. Well, thank you, thomas. [ laughter ] this was from douglas. Jimmy, give me a break. Jimmy, nobody cares what you think. You sound like a whining baby. Does baby jimmy want his bottle . [ laughter ] and twitter user codron wrote i hate them all to be honest. But if youre down for some mindnumbing retardation, i guess jimmy kimmel has got that down pat. Right. Down pact. Maybe the responses on twitter werent great but facebook is different because you have to use your real name. I heard from a lot of terrific people on Facebook Like karen who wrote jimmy kimmel reminds me of a demented little kid at a social gathering. Where in the hell is this kids parents . They should be arrested for giving birth to him. [ laughter ] and james. Jimmy kimmel is the worst talk show host and most stupid person i have ever seen. I watched President Trump today and stupid kimmel took what the president said all wrong and is turning it around to hurt trump. Stupid kimmel as far as im concerned is a racist promoting racism. His sorryass show needs to be canceled. And finally jim, who wrote if jimmy heard a firecracker as he was walking by himself anywhere, he would wear his pants like the little coward he is. Well said. And you know what . Hes right. I would wear my pants. [ laughter ] i wear them whenever i go out i wear them. [ cheers and applause ] unless im in the pool, then ill wear shorts. Or at the beach. I want to thank everyone for the feedback. It just goes to show you if you want to know where people are coming from and talk to them like human beings they will open up. You just have to communicate. Yesterday was probably the worst day of the trump presidency, and thats saying a lot. He gave a press conference which he couldnt help but defend nazis and klan members and white supremacists. He just couldnt hold it in. It was an absolute trainwreck even for him. So after all this he goes home, hes back in his apartment in new york for the First Time Since january, finds a bucket of chicken in the fridge. He smells it, he eats it. [ laughter ] goes to bed, sleeps on all of this. And then at 6 12 a. M. With all the fires he lit still burning whats the first thing on his mind . He tweets, amazon is doing great damage to taxpaying retailers, towns, cities and states throughout the u. S. Are being hurt. Many jobs being lost. Thats right. Our president condemned amazon more harshly than he condemned neonazis the previous day. [ laughter ] but there was good reason why the president is suddenly thinking about amazon, and i can assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that the owner of amazon also owns the washington post, which wrote a scathing editorial about him last night. If you think thats a coincidence, well, i have a wall to sell you that mexico will definitely pay for. So dont worry about it. [ applause ] i dont know why, by the way, trump would go after amazon. I mean, they sell many great trump products. Like this countdown to trumps last day clock. [ laughter ] theyve got trump toilet paper. A donald trump chew toy for dogs. And this stylish trump pen holder. Ill let you guess where the pen goes. [ laughter ] also today, after nine ceos, leaders of business, resigned from trumps Business Advisory councils in protest, trump tweeted hes disbanding his Business Advisory councils. Like a kid who cancels his Birthday Party because only the clown showed up. [ laughter ] you cant break up with me. Im breaking up with you first. But listen, people are upset. And i understand why. You know, the president handled a group of racists with kid gloves. But maybe and i want to encourage you to keep an open mind here because maybe he did it because kid gloves are the only gloves that fit on his tiny little hands. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know, at this point its hard to imagine that anyone is still working for donald trump, but they all are. No one quit. And some of them are even firing back against charges of racism. Michael cohen, whos Donald Trumps personal lawyer, tweeted this today. As the son of a holocaust survivor i have no tolerance for hashtag racism. Just because i support potus real donald trump doesnt make me racist. And with that he attached photos of himself posing with black people. [ laughter ] two of whom are omarosa. I dont know if you noticed that. How good is that . I would have loved i would give any amount of money to watch him putting that collage together. [ laughter ] scrolling through his phone. Where the hell is that picture of me with don king . Oh, here it is. I bet 500 don king has no idea who he is. But i guess like when you have to scramble you scramble. The white house also trying to do damage control. Quietly. Reportedly they sent a memo to republicans in congress with talking points to use when discussing the subject. One of the talking points was say they wanted the people to say trumps comments on the violence in charlottesville were entirely correct and donald trump has been a voice of unity and calm bringing americans together. Which is so crazy that we had to get in touch with them to ask about this. Joining us now from washington is kellyanne conway. And i want to say hello. Hello, kellyanne. Hello. Thanks for having me. [ applause ] jimmy so kellyanne, thanks for being here. Did the white house really send a memo telling republican members of congress what to say about that mindboggling press conference yesterday . That is absolutely not true. Everyone knows that what the president said in his statement yesterday was 100 correct. There is blame on all sides. The violent altleft must be stopped. Kellyanne, are you reading cue cards right now . [ laughter ] what . No. That is absolutely 100 fake news. And you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking it, jake. Jimmy my names jimmy, not jake. And the reason i said it is because it looked like you were reading. You were moving your head back and forth as if you were reading. Well, you look like youre reading, jake. Hows that . Jimmy im not reading. I was just asking if the president is scripting the responses to what he said, you know . As i said before go back one. [ laughter ] one. That is absolutely not true. Everyone knows what the president said in his statement yesterday was 100 jimmy kellyanne, youre reading again. I can see we obviously see that youre reading. Thats outrageous. Im not reading. I dont even know how to read. [ laughter ] if i was reading, i would be reading this. The art of the deal by donald trump, the number one bestseller for 58 weeks. Jimmy you have such big hands. That really is amazing. Hey, wait a minute, was that cookie monster . What the hell is cookie monster doing there . Hes our new chairman of the food and drug administration. [ cheers and applause ] and jimmy, hes not a monster. Hes a pretty. Hes a patriot. Thank you. Hillarys a murderer. [ laughter ] jimmy okay. So that was kellyanne conway, everybody. The president today is back at his golf course in new jersey after two nights at his condo in trump tower. There were thousands of protesters outside the building in new york chanting new york hates you. Which is not the most original chant but it does get the point across. Wasnt quite the welcome home im sure the president imagined he would get. But the good news, if there is any, is the building he owns is now the star of a major motion picture. These visions as you call them. What do you see . I see a tower. The tower is all that stands between light and darkness. Not all of those people were neonazis. Believe me. Not all of those people were white supremacists. Hes like the devil, isnt he . No. Hes worse. They will be met with fire and fury. Millions of people die. Death. Everyones going to die. Death, death, death. [ honking ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im going to see that. We have a good show for you tonight. We have music from midland. Lake bell is here. And well be right back with Zach Galifianakis. [ cheers and applause ] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by ebay. When it comes to planning air the best routes,er. Nobody does it better. Hes also a championshipwinning football coach. Look at that formation. But when it comes to mortgages, hes less confident. Fortunately for andre, theres Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. Its simple, so he can understand the details and be sure hes getting the right mortgage. Apply simply. Understand fully. Mortgage confidently. The lincoln summer invitation is on. Now get our best offers of the season. On the agile mkc. And the versatile midsize lincoln mkx. Or go where summer takes you in the exhilarating mkz. Hurry in its the final days of the lincoln summer invitation sales event. Ending september 5th. Right now, get zero percent apr plus 1,000 dollars Summer Savings on the lincoln mkx, mkc and mkz. So this quick ranch pastat a full house. Primavera is the perfect dish. Sprinkle in a packet of Hidden Valley ranch, add some veggies, and youve got a meal thats sure to please. Its time to ranch out with the original, Hidden Valley ranch. Lets go reed lets go k [ clap clap ] lets go yellow lets go [ clap clap ] lets go rainbow lets go get ready, set, go back to school. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. Welcome back to the show. Tonight from her new movie called i do until i dont, lake bell is here. Then from austin, texas their album on the rocks comes out september 22nd. Midland from the mercedesbenz stage. [ cheers and applause ] look at those outfits. I mean, they definitely win best dressed for sure. Tomorrow night on the show, Salma Hayek Pinault is here. She just added a pinault. Jay ellis, and well have music from bearstronaut. By the way, i want to mention i just had the most terrible conversation with two guys in our audience. I still am reeling from it. I dont know if im going to be able to recover from it. [ cheers and applause ] it was a strange a strange combination of puzzling and boring at the same time. [ laughter ] but if anyone can help these two, i dont know they dont know where they live. [ laughter ] one of them fell off a truck. They need help is what im saying. All right. Our first guest tonight is a very talented man who has an emmy nomination for two roles. He plays brothers dale and chip on baskets. And his new movie tulip fever opens in theaters september 1st. Please welcome Zach Galifianakis [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing, zach . Hi, everybody. [ cheers ] i saw that conversation in the green room with those two guys. I thought it was part of your sizzle reel. [ laughter ] jimmy there was no sizzle guys, welcome welcome to earth. [ laughter ] jimmy one of the guys, i didnt get their names. What are your names . My names ian. Jimmy ian . Yes. Jimmy yeah. I should have figured that. Dont give them mikes [ laughter ] jimmy ian is looking for a job. Yeah. Jimmy and hes going to be interviewing at a Company Called lighthouse up in seattle. Yeah, i heard it. It was like taking ambien. [ laughter ] what kind of work do you do . I actually right now im not working. Jimmy yeah, yeah. Thats why youll fit in in hollywood. Jimmy ian, thats why i mentioned youre looking for a job. He was asking what kind of work do you do . I build gaming pcs and help my parents and friends out with i. T. Repair and Computer Repair and stuff. Do you mind giving out your phone number in case anybody wants to call you . [ laughter ] jimmy dont give the digits in order. But give out all the numbers. [ laughter ] if i felt comfortable enough, i would. But jimmy maybe later in the show. Maybe. Jimmy well check back in with you periodically. [ laughter ] see, thats a movie you need to make. A movie about ians journey and ians life. And by the way, you know, you could win youre nominated for an emmy for your show baskets. [ cheers and applause ] what a segue. Jimmy yeah. Thats what i do. I make segues. Right. Jimmy i take ian and i bring him to emmy is what i do. Well, congratulations. Thanks. Jimmy and im very happy about this because i love that show baskets. And you have two you really could have been nominated twice in that same category, couldnt you . Well, its an honor to be nominated. I did not i didnt think about it. Jimmy did you even know you were nominated when you were nominated . I got some a bunch of texts were coming in on my phone. A lot of them. Jimmy thats where mine come in too. [ laughter ] these were on my land line. Rotary dial. [ laughter ] jimmy that is unusual. No, a lot of texts were coming through. My phone, i never have it on me but i heard it. I thought, that sounds like an emergency, im not getting the phone. [ laughter ] and thats how i found out about it. But yeah, im presently campaigning for it. Jimmy you are . Yeah. Ive got a couple a Russian Company helping me win. [ laughter ] and ive been handing out flyers at the 3rd street promenade. Jimmy anything helps. Yeah. And you know, as campaigning for it, i you know, the audience has been so great and great to me over the years. [ cheers and applause ] some donuts for everybody. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hold on. Enjoy them. Jimmy hold on. Im a little bit unclear. Well, thats nice of you. Not to buy their vote. But i just want you to think about me. Jimmy this is part of your part of the campaign. Yeah. Jimmy but you know that the only people that can vote for the emmys are Academy Members. Oh. Jimmy i dont lets take them back. Is there any Academy Members here . Yeah. Just take them back, then. Jimmy oh, youre taking the donuts back . Well, some of them have been partly you know, thats [ laughter ] well, thats a shame. Well, give ian ian has to have one. [ laughter ] jimmy he wont know whether to eat pass out the donuts to everybody half bitten. [ applause ] jimmy just pass out pass out one donut to the person on the end and everybody can take a bite and pass it down the aisle. Well, that is not an effective emmy campaign, zach. I hate to tell you. You know your odds you want to know what the odds of winning are, the emmys . Okay. This is youre going to tell me the odds of jimmy you winning the emmy. According to las vegas. Oh, its an actual vegas thing. Jimmy yeah, there are vegas odds. In your category how many are nominated . Jimmy five. No, six. Six are nominated. In your category the favorite is Donald Glover from that show atlanta. He has a 58 chance of winning. Good for him. But he is not passing out donuts. Jimmy he is not. [ laughter ] the second is jeffrey tambor, whos won in that category a couple of times. He has an 18 chance of winning. 18. Thats strong. I would guess im probably next. Jimmy then william h. Macy is next. He has a 12 1 2 chance of winning. Then aziz ansari. [ laughter ] mmhmm. Jimmy but then there must be a typo. Jimmy then anthony anderson. Okay. Jimmy and then youre in sixth. You have a 1. 96 1. 96 chance to win. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats good. I would rather not be nominated. I would rather not be nominated. Jimmy it seems that you almost werent. [ laughter ] hows your personal life going . How are the kids doing . Do you guys take a big Family Vacation this summertime . No. Family policy is no vacation. Jimmy thats the policy . I dont let my kids leave the house. No, we went down south to vacation, to tear down some statues. [ laughter ] jimmy thats fun. So no vacation for the kids. No disneyland . You dont do anything like that . They dont know what disneyland is. [ laughter ] jimmy they dont . No. Jimmy they have no idea what disneyland how do you keep kids from knowing what disneyland is . The only thing my kids know about is driving around and seeing the billboards in this town. My sons like whats boss baby . I dont know what boss baby is [ laughter ] no marketing to children. Jimmy okay. Well, maybe you should paint up the windows in your car. You know . In the hummer . [ laughter ] jimmy i never imagined you as a hummer driver. Were going to take a break here. Were going to figure out whats going on with everybody in our audience. And when we come back, well see a clip from Zach Galifianakiss new film tulip fever, which opens september 1st. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by guldens mustard. Add zest to every bite with guldens. And i just got an unlimited plan. Right plan, wrong network. 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Ive been fighting gypsies. Ive been fighting bakus. I fought them and i won. Wheres the package . Garrett. The package. The onion . I ate it. You bloody fool. Jimmy that is Zach Galifianakis in tulip fever. It opens on september 1st. [ applause ] i like seeing you do an accent. Like really giving 100 there. Thats jude laws voice dubbed over mine. [ laughter ] jimmy is that right . They brought someone in to overdub. They wanted your face and his voice. Thats interesting. That movie is a very beautiful little movie. And we shot it in london. It was a lot of fun to do. A lot of fun. Jimmy what part of london did you shoot it in . [ laughter ] downtown. [ laughter ] right downtown london. Right by the ferris wheel. [ laughter ] well, we shot it in a studio. We shot it in a studio. And then we shot some of it in norfolk, which is outside of london. Jimmy theres a norfolk over there. Yeah. I think the original norfolks there. Jimmy is that right . Yeah. They have cheerleaders who their chant is we dont smoke, we dont drink, norfolk, norfolk. [ applause ] but i that movie is based on the tulip do you want to know what the movies about . Jimmy yeah, sure i want to know what the movies about. I saw the movie. I enjoyed the movie. But they dont know what the movies about. Its set in olden days. Jimmy yes. [ laughter ] thats all you need to know. No, its about the open exchange of the tulip market back in the day. And its kind of the open the first kind of open market like this. Its kind of an interesting historical story and its a lot of factually based. But when i was working in london, in downtown london, i remember working there, and someone politely had gotten a massage for me as a gift. Jimmy oh. The lady came to my hotel to give me a massage. [ laughter ] i know its weird to say that without people jimmy yeah, it sounds dirty. This was not a happy ending type [ laughter ] this is a happy beginning. Cut right to the chase. No. Anyway. This woman comes over to give me a massage. I was, you know, laying face down, and shes massaging me. And i had pretty depressing, sad music on. And cactus tree by Joni Mitchell was on. And im on my stomach, and i feel teardrops. This woman started crying while she was massaging because she heard the music. And it was weird to have someone sobbing and instead of massage oil hear tear glands were going back i know, its weird. Jimmy its very weird. And then a happier song came on. I think it was kool the gang, celebration. [ laughter ] and then she stopped crying and then another sad song came on and she cried again. It was so strange. Ian, remember that . [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy he was there . Thats a very, very strange experience. Yeah. Jimmy you know it had nothing to do with the movie, by the way. Jimmy it had nothing to do with the movie. But it was about your time downtown. You are on a show, and this turned out to be im on this show as well. Don rickless last project, last thing he worked on. It was called dinner with don. I think they have a website dinnerwithdon. Com. And don would sit down, youd have dinner with don and talk to him. And he recorded these conversations with various interesting people. Was don a friend of yours . Is he somebody that you knew well . I admired him so much as a comic. Unfortunately, i had dinner with him after he passed. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, thats don would have liked it [ laughter ] don would have liked that joke [ applause ] please edit that out. Please edit that out. I told you i didnt want to say that. Jimmy you know, thats the worst time to have it. It really is. You should try to get in before. What did you guys talk about during that conversation . I honestly think he didnt know who i was. Jimmy really . And i think he thought why am i having a conversation with this p. A. . We talked about, you know, comedy and his start. And you know, and how long hes been doing it, which is i think what kept him so young and vibrant. Jimmy yeah. What did you guys talk did you jimmy same things. Same exact things. No, we i know don pretty well. So we talked about i think we talked about las vegas and a little bit about him being in the war, you know, and that kind of stuff. Yeah, he was in the war. Thats right. Jimmy he was in the war. He was its very interesting because he was he says he was terrified. Of course hes in the war. And they put him on a ship with a bunch of other guys, and he was scared. And so he just became the funniest guy on the ship. And his superior officer protected him because i mean, literally his sense of humor may have saved his life. Yeah, it can happen. Jimmy which is a weird thing to think, that they decide what we like best are going to be the ones that we dont put in the front. Were going to put don in the back because hes funny. He keeps us laughing. Yeah. Exactly. Jimmy like ian would be way in the front of the boat. [ laughter ] ian would be i love that theres a camera person right behind ian. Jimmy well, thats the ian cam. [ laughter ] [ applause ] all right. Sorry, ian. The movies called tulip fever. It is in theaters on september 1st. [ cheers and applause ] Zach Galifianakiss great show baskets is nominated for an emmy. Thank you very much. Zach galifianakis. Well be right back. Doto be our next spokesperson . M hes so boring. Hm. Sounds like youre on the fence. Why dont i just leave you my resume . Yes, its laminated. No thanks. Youre hired try the new caramel m ms. Ow. This dive into the classicbster. Crab lovers dream or new dueling crab legs with dungeness and snow crab. Only during crabfest. Now this is seafood. And hurry in to enjoy our new crab melt, part of our seafood lovers lunch weekdays just 9. 99 be impressive be impressive be impressive be impressive be impressive everything you need to ready, set, go back to school. This is how many people were born here. This many are fifth generation. This is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. He keeps the town dry. Theyd prefer it a little wet. This many are proud of what we make here. This is how many will go around bragging about it. This is our town. If you cant get here, just look for one of our postcards. We send them all over. They look like this. We send them all over. Our bodies grow babies. We run marathons. Companies. Solve problems. How . We eat. We eat almonds. Strawberries. Quinoa. And yeah. We eat chocolate. We eat in sweatpants. In skirts. We eat alone. And together. Women are strong. We eat, and we own it. Special k. Hi. Can you tell me about these new Social Security alerts i keep hearing about . Sure, just sign up online. Then well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky websites. Wow. Thats cool. How much is it . Oh, its free if you have a discover card. 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A second iphone from at t . Okay right now when you buy a new iphone 7 from at t youll get a second iphone 7 on us. And power both with unlimited data and live tv. Still to come we have lake bell and music from midland. But first i want to talk to you about a product thats near and dear to my heart and my stomach. Guldens mustard. I love it. And as labor day approaches we have guillermo here to teach us about the origin of possibly the greatest mustard of all time. Can you read me a story . Sure i can. The one about the princess . No. Read me the one about the history of guldens mustard. Again . All right. A long time ago before labor day a man grilled some wieners for his friends. The buns were toasted, the dogs were hot. He couldnt help feel there was something he forgot. Suddenly a mysterious traveler appeared to his shock. I hope youre prepared for whats in my sock. Give your boring wieners just what they need. This bag of spices and magic mustard seed. So he mixed up the potion. And to his delight a topping was born. All gulden and bright. The guests were so happy one jumped up and down and said i love the spicy kick i get from guldens spicy brown. And from that day forward a labor day tradition of mustard and hot dogs became the national tradition. Grandpa, is that a true story . Yes, it was. Now, have your mustard and go to bed. Dicky guldens mustard. Add zest to every bite. Find guldens in select grocery stores, online retailers, and delis today. Jimmy well be right back with lake bell. You know who likes to be in control . This guy. Check it out selfappendectomy oh, thats really attached. Thats why i rent from national. Where i get the control to choose any car in the aisle i want, not some car they choose for me. Which makes me one smooth operator. Ah still a little tender. vo go national. Go like a pro. Modern life deserves a mits sold out. Ay. Dont fret, my friend. I masterpassed it you can use it online and on your phone i masterpassed it. You got the tickets . Onward playing the hero priceless masterpass. The secure way to pay from your bank dont just buy it. Masterpass it. Except for every ladies night. Vegetarian. Only glad has forceflex to prevent rips, leaks, and punctures. So whatever you throw in the bag. Stays in the bag. Be happy, its glad. So being cool comes naturally. Hmm. I cant decide if this place is swag or bling. Its pretzels. Word. Ladies, you know when you switch, you get my bombdiggity discounts automatically. No duh, right . [ chuckles ] sir, you forgot keep it. Youre gonna need it when i make it precipitate. What, what . What . What, what . Oh, its actually. S your sfx short balloon squeal its ver. Sfx balloon squeals ok can we. Sfx ballsqn oos alue im being so serious right now. N squeals i really want to know how your coffee is. Its. Sfx balloon squeals hahahaha, i had a 2nd balloon goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Yeah. Happens to more people than you think. Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Mmm. Good right . Yeah. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. What do we want . Catpacks when do we want em . Meow oueed to ready, set, go back to school. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Midland is on the way. Our next guest is a gifted actress, an awardwinning filmmaker and a body of water, too. Her new movie is i do until i dont. It opens september 1st. Please welcome lake bell. [ cheers and applause ] how are you . Hi. Jimmy well, first i want to say congratulations. You had a baby a few months ago. I did. Jimmy very exciting. [ applause ] thank you. Thank you. Jimmy when you tell people that you had a baby three months ago and they see you, do they become angry at you . Theyre just like which spanx did you buy . Thats usually the next question. Jimmy spanx. Okay. Its all about just like ratcheting it in. Jimmy you had a son. You named him ozzie. Which is a cute name. Osgood. Good man. Jimmy is he named after Ozzy Osbourne . No. But we can go with that. Jimmy i thought maybe that might have played some part in it. Hes great. Its one of those things where its like we my husband and i, scott, we were so excited to just have one kid. You know, we have a beautiful daughter, nova. Shes awesome. Named after the chevy, obviously. [ laughter ] its also celestial. But you know what i mean. More so the chevy. And we were so excited to kind of travel the world. You know, were going to be modern. We dont have to have two kids. And then we had sexual intercourse. Jimmy oh, you did. [ laughter ] yeah. I like that there was a clap. Was that ian . [ laughter ] jimmy that was ian, yeah. [ applause ] hes like sexual intercourse. How are you . Good to see you. Jimmy hes doing really well. We dont know how hes doing really. Well check back. Hell never tell us. Jimmy because he doesnt know. Its a mystery. Hes a mystery. Jimmy so is your daughter enjoying her baby brother . Is she aware of yeah. To be honest, no. Jimmy shes not. Having some trouble. Jimmy why . She plays with the baby dolls and stuff, so i thought it would be a shooin, like a real live baby doll. But no, shes having trouble with it. But its funny. Her main thing is she just wants screen time because we havent done that yet. Like the phones and stuff. Jimmy oh, you havent let her touch an ipad or anything . Not yet. You know, were going to do it. Its part of the thing, right . Shes going to get there. Jimmy right. Im not that new age. I understand that it exists. Jimmy how old do you think she will be when you allow that . I dont know. But i will maybe i dont know. Shes turning 3. Maybe like for her third birthday she can have like two minutes on it. I dont know. Im a terrible mother. But very strict. But because she loves our phone so much we got her kind of like a play phone, you know. We were at rite aid or something and oh, theres a play phone, just get it, because she wont play with ours. And i heard her. We took it out of the packaging, shes in her car seat, and i heard her talking to some guy named mark. She was like, hey, mark. Comma. How are you today, mark . And i all of a sudden realized, i was like who are you talking to . And shes like question mark. [ laughter ] and i was like who o itiesquon we always do the dictation. Honey, ill be there. Are you okay, question mark. It looks like im running late, comma. Can you prepare dinner, period. Jimmy so your daughters only friends are punctuation. Thats very interesting. [ laughter ] wow. Do you feel like your priorities have your world has been turned upside down . So vastly. Because when you have one kid you kind of think its really hard. And then you have as you well know jimmy its exponentially harder. Its like youre in the big leagues. Jimmy for sure. My dad likes to give me advice. Yeah, now you have kids. Before you had a kid. Now you have kids. I dont really know jimmy you know what . Its actually a wise thing to say. Youre just like wrangling. Theres so much wrangling and so many logistics. There was your marriage turns into just a logistics conversation. Jimmy what do you mean by that specifically . The other day, and i promise this is without hyperbole, this really happened, i we were going through our schedules. We really made a schedule, like a moment in our schedule to plan our schedule. Jimmy you scheduled your scheduling. That happened. So theres like an event, like just schedule to talk about scheduling for the rest of the week. Jimmy thats kind of terrible, isnt it . Its terrible. Oh, i havent slept. Jimmy and do you ever miss that schedule . Is that a regularly scheduled scheduling event . You cant you mean to schedule . Jimmy yes. To schedule. Thats regularly on the schedule. [ laughter ] jimmy and now not only are you in this movie, you directed the movie, you wrote the movie. Did you produce the movie as well . I did just all of it. Jimmy you did everything on the movie. Give me some more hats, yeah. Jimmy so you probably dont have any free time at all. This is your second movie that you did all on your own, basically. Yeah. Jimmy is it easier the Second Time Around . No. Jimmy its not. I would think it would be. I think because i took on so much, this particular movie has seven main characters and you know, part of it for me, the hardest part of this one was that the character that i play is sort of meek and low status, you know. Shes sort of shes based on my mom, but my mom is a tremendous woman. Shes just very patrician and slight. And like wears a lot of beige. You know, just all beige. Just whites and beige and egg shell. And so theres just something very sort of small about her. And when youre a director you have to be like powerful. And like i got this, i can answer any question. Back to one. You know. So i had to figure out how to like vacillate and kind of flipflop between those two people. So i got this system where i have a fanny pack, which i love incidentally. A fanny pack. Jimmy you endorse the fanny pack. Highly. Oh, yeah. And its good for mothers too. So if youre a mom and a director, both of those things, its great for a fanny pack. Jimmy if youre not a mother, though, youll never get anyone to have children with you if you are wearing a fanny pack. [ laughter ] ian. I need to talk to you. So but the fanny pack i would keep two scents, like scents. And one of them was sort of like a flowery lame like like an apology of a scent. And that would be my alice scent. Mm. And then for the powerful moment when i had to go direct i would take out the like fierce spicy jimmy axe body spray type of thing. It was actually some kind of thai exotic herb just like rrr. Probably illegal. Jimmy does your mother know shes eh . We talked about it. Because my mom is not lame. Its just i used her countenance. I used her sort of delicate on the edge of her seat, just her elegance and her sort of like her thisness, whatever this is. That is we talked about she saw of course she read the script and kind of understood what the movie was. But then in sort of seeing the trailer for it she said, you know, i im a little im nervous. She said it more like this. Im a little nervous like and when i watch this movie i want to be near you so i can swat you. Jimmy oh, she immediately recognized that you were doing her . Yeah. She said, i saw all the beige and i got concerned. [ laughter ] and i was like, well, look, i mean, if youre you know, youve got a kid whos a writer. Its going to happen. Jimmy and when you did watch it with her, how did she feel . She swatted me. Jimmy she swatted you. By the way, the mere fact she uses the word swat, thats why youve got to write a character like jimmy yeah. Unless youre kicking a door in and youve got a weapon in your hand. S. W. A. T. Jimmy swat should not be in your vocabulary. Like its crazy its either s. W. A. T. Or its swat. Jimmy those are your two characters there. S. W. A. T. Or swat. Which one are you . Jimmy thats the question that will be answered in the movie. Its called i do until i dont. It opens september 1st. Lake bell. She worked very hard on this. Well be right back with music from midland. [ cheers and applause ] dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy thanks to Zach Galifianakis and lake bell. Apologies to matt damon. We did run out of time for him. Nightline is next. But first, this is their album on the rocks. It comes out september 22nd. Here with the song drinking problem, midland [ cheers and applause ] one more night one more down one more one more round the first one in, the last one out giving this town lots to talk about but they dont know what they dont know, people say ive got a drinkin problem that aint no reason to stop people saying that ive hit rock bottom just cause im living on the rocks its a brokenhearted thinking problem so pull one more bottle off the wall people say i got a drinkin problem but ive got no problem drinkin at all they keep on talking drawing conclusions they call it a problem i call it a solution last call gets later and later i come in here so i dont have to hate her same old folks same old songs the same old same old blue neon the same old buzz just because people say ive got a drinkin problem that aint no reason to stop people saying that ive hit rock bottom just cause im living on those rocks its a broken hearted thinkin problem so pull one more bottle off the wall people say i got a drinkin problem but ive got no problem drinkin at all they keep on talking drawing conclusions they call it a problem i call it a solution just sitting here in all my grand illusions they call it a problem i call it a solution just a solution its a broken hearted thinkin problem so pull one more bottle off the wall people say i got a drinkin problem but ive got no problem drinkin at all they keep on talking drawing conclusions they call it a problem i call it a solution sitting here in all my grand illusions they call it a problem i call it a solution [ cheers and applause ] tonight, on a special edition of nightline, catastrophic flooding breaching a levee in texas. Citizens told to get out now. Water reaching rooftops. I hate to think that there are people in these houses. Survivors sleeping on cardboard in an Evacuation Center in houston. Our entire neighborhood was flooded. It looked like a lake. Were with a team of military veterans making dramatic rescues. And a glimmer of hope in the devastation. One family welcoming new life. Its okay. And the growing threat to louisiana. On the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina now harvey, the storm that ravaged the texas coast advancing toward new orleans. How officials there are working around the clock to stop this city from flooding ag