How to Home Alone Your Flat: Prevent burglars with these tips from a psychopathic kid
Flat break-ins in North Dunedin are almost more common than chlamydia. Insurance is expensive and when landlords don’t pay for basic kitchen repairs, they sure as shit aren’t going to pay for any decent home security system. So what can you do to prevent burglars taking your most prized possessions (AKA a giant bong and a Macbook with a fucked up screen)?
You can adopt the techniques of Kevin in the 1990 hit holiday movie
Home Alone. Like you, Kevin is just a kid in a house living by himself, but unlike you, he is resourceful and willing to kill his enemies in order to protect his house. I have adjusted his techniques for the particular needs and resources available to your average flatter in Dunedin. I am not sure whether any of this is legal, because Kevin was a little psycho. However, it makes sense that if someone is trying to take your stuff you have the right to seriously maim them rather than just calling the police. After all, no one wants the police snooping around their flat.