For two days straight, and then finally i thought about stans moms boobs and this little tiny splooch of this white stuff came out thats great, butters, but were not playing detective anymore. Were playing laundromat owners. Would you like those pants cleaned for 4. 95 . Captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you for coming out. As always, thank you so much for coming out. Im trevor noah. We have two guests, two guests joining us tonight. First, her new memoir is about her search for redemption in americas prison system. Cyntoia brownlong will be joining us, everybody cheers and applause and then after that, were going to chat with a superstar comedian and an actor who is out with her first book. Ali wong is going to be on the show cheers and applause also on tonights show, china is joining the lakers. You never have to touch your phone again. And the trumps and bidens play family feud. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with some sports news. The conflict between the n. B. A. And china over the hong kong protests continued this week. But now, king james has stepped into the frey. In hong kong tonight, basketball superstar lebron james under fire, his famed jersey up in smoke, furor growing over his response to this tweet sent by Houston Rockets general manager daryl morey earlier this month in apparent support of antigovernment protesters. I dont want to get into a feud with daryl. But daryl mora, but i believe he wasnt educated on the situation at hand. Those comments setting off a political brushfire here at home, republican senators quick to pounce, rick scott of florida writing, clearly, king james is the one who isnt educated on the situation. Nebraskas ben sasse, youre parroting communist propaganda. China is running torture camps and you know it. Trevor yes, lebron james is take a lot of heat for not taking a stand against china and their oppression, with people even burning his jirs nehong kong. Which, by the way, if the n. B. A. Kept statistics of most jerseys burned, i think lebron would nominate that, too. Hong kong burpd his jersey, cleared burpd his jersey. Forget nike, lebron should be sponsored by kingsford lighter fluid. Thats what they should do. Theyre killing it on every field. applause normally, i would agree that n. B. A. Players shouldnt have tow know the intricacies of east asia policy, but at the same time, Dennis Rodman is basically the u. S. Ambassador to north korea. I dont know what the rules are anymore. I dont know how it works. I also understand why people think lebrons comments were insensitive or misguided, but at the same time i get where hes coming from, because the Houston Rockets g. M. Slammed china on twitter when lebron was on his way to china. So lebron was probably like, hey, man, start this beef after i leave. Whats wrong with you, man, im going there. I would do the same thing, if you asked me in china what i thought of chinas policy, i would be like, i think china has policy, and theyre the policies that allow me to fly home from china laughter lets move on to a more american scandal involving gina rodriguez. Some people have said the latina actress has a history of making insensitive or condescending remarks about black people. Be careful what you post on instagram. Here is your fair warning because act reses can rolearned the hard way i would do what you do, believe me. Give me heebiejeebies. Now apologies for using the n word in a post. Hey, whats up, everybody, i just wanted to reach out and apologize. I am sorry. I am sorry if i offended anyone, my finging along to the fugees, a song i grew up on, i love lauryn hill. And i really am sorry fioffended you. Trevor another heres trevors tip of the day if you insist on saying the n word when wriewr wrapping along with the song, dont do it on instagram. Do it on the masked sing i. People have to wait three weeks to see if theyre mad at you. I think that was tpain, but if it was donny osmond, his ass is in big trouble. I also think rappers should help, yeah. Because they make the songs. I think rappers could help prevent these incidents from happening in the first place. Think about it, rappers already make songs that are safe for radio. I think now they need to make versions of their songs that are safe for nonblack people. They can replace the n word with something safe like, my friends. You know what i mean . Just congress it if you dont know, now you know, my friend its a lot safer for everyone. applause just do it every single song. Want to find me, first my friends got to find me some tech news that will change the way you make obscene gestures at your phone. Googles newest phone works without even touching it. Like apples iphone, users can unlock the 56 weltheir face, but feature getting the most buzz is jifort control. Lets say youre driving, listening to music, and you want to advance to the next track, you dont like that one, or you want to go back and listen to it again. Google is hoping the new tech will lead to more sales in the highly competitive smartphone market. Trevor wow. The first phone that will turn everyone into a magicians assistant. laughter call mom. laughter this really is amazing technology. You can open your phone just by waving at it. No ones ever had this technology, except the front door of a walgreens. Never have we seen it before. laughter you know whats weird is how the way we unlock our phones is evolving. First we had to nine a code. And then we just had to pick it up and look at it. Now we can just wave at it without touching it. It feels like were slowly break up with our phone. The next one will let you unlock the phone with, its not you, its me. laughter you know who i also feel bad for . Bernie sanders. He shouldnt get this phone. He will be setting that off all the time without meaning to. Hell be like, and thats why we need to take on the 1 . Calling the one no, im not calling. Cancel, cancel. Thats it for the headlines. Lets move on to our top story. Impeachment. Its democracys mulligan. For weeks now, practically everyone has weighed in on the ukraine scandal, from trump to ploas tow a cured rattlesnake. Everyone, except the man at the center of it all hunter biden. He sat on the board of a Ukrainian Energy company while his dad served as vice president. And now that trump is using it to target his dad, hunter is finally speaking out. Hunter biden speaking out for the first time, defending his business dealings in ukraine saying he did nothing wrong at all. But acknowledging to abc news what he calls poor judgment. Did i make a mistake . Well, maybe in in the grand scheme of things, yeah. But did i make a mistake based upon some unethical lapse . Absolutely not. If your last name wasnt biden, do you think you would have been asked to be on the board of burisma . I dont know. I dont know. Probably not. I i dont think that theres a lot of things that would have happened in my life that if my last name wasnt biden. Trevor yeah, you know, that, hes right. If hunters last name wasnt biden his life would have been a lot different. For one thing he wouldnt have gotten into the Harvard School of surprise massages. laughter i do appreciate hunters honesty there, because he admits that he was probably hired by the Ukrainian Energy company because of his last name. Thats how the world works. A lot of people get opportunities because of who their parents are. Cindy crawfords daughter is now a model. Andrew cuomos father was the governor of new york before him. Do you think harry potter would have gotten all that attention if it wasnt for his famous wizard parents. Im not saying he wasnt a good wizard, but hes the only name dumbledorf knew personally. Hand by the way, family names work the other way, too. Thats why Ginny Weasley was getting eaten by snakes in the basement. It took about 400 pages to notice that shit. Im just saying, man. The truth syour name could be a big reason that you get a leg up in life. Like, i evenar i fact, i know the only reason i got to where i am today is probably because my greatgreat grandfather built the auk. Like, you know, i accept that. What can i say, man . My greatgreat grampy loved boats. Thats what he was doing on the boat. Thats normal. Now with that said, with that said, you cant deny, its not a good look that a Ukrainian Company hired hunter biden just months after joe biden became the obama administrations point man on ukraine, because it looks very much like he got this business because of his fathers position. And i understand why a lot of people would complain about that. What i dont understand is why these people are complaining about that. Lets talk about the double standard. What do you guys think would happen if donald trump jr. Went to china and came back with 1. 5 dollars. Not 1. 5 billion. Just 1. 5. Can you imagine fitook three cents from ukraine or four cents from china . I mean, its unbelievable. We gave up our entire business so my father could run for process prt. We dont do anything overseas anymore. We gave up we didnt have to. Do you see me on any boards, do you see don on any boards, do you see ivanka on any boards. Trevor im not surprised nobody put bevis and butt head on any board. Thats not a scandalous thing. I dont think theyre allowed on diving boards. No, eric, youre jumping off the wrong end jump into the wet part, dude. Secondly, if there was ever an example of people who got opportunities of their names its these two. I mean donald trump jr. Just got paid 50,000 to give a speech at a college. If he wasnt Donald Trumps son, why else would they be asking him to speak . To share his expertise on bad beards . Or would it be more like, ladies and gentlemen, a man who once sat on a tree stump. Don jr. Ment. My bunions were acting up, and there was no chair in sight, but i remember someone told me. Stumps are okay to sit on. Good night. If trumps sons are actually concerned, truly concerned about children of politicians doing business overseas, can someone please explain to me why theyve been doing this. Trump promised no new foreign deals but that hasnt stopped his family from continuing business overseas. The trumps have plowed ahead with deals in india, indonesia, uruguay, and the philippines that were in the works before trump took office. By wednesday, eric trump will have gone to four countries on Trump Company business sudden jins 1. In early january it was a trip to your grie to promote a new property. This morning, trump jr. Is in india. As a business we will continue to run. We have incredible safeties all over the world that we will continue to operate and grow. Trevor thats right, even with their dad in office, the trumps are still growing their business in places like india, fill beans, indonesia, uruguay. Its like the amazing race with no running and no chins. Don and eric are doing so much International Business it almost feels like donald is trying to not spend time with his sons. Its like, boys ive got a new business for you to take care of, its on mars. But, dad, theres no way to get back from mars. And i appreciate your sacrifice. Byebye. laughter and i know this is crazy to say, i know this is crazy to say, but at least donald and eric are one step removed from the presidency, because there are other trump children who are in business and government. Jared kushner and ivanka trumps roles in the white house opened up another potential avenue for foreign influence. Officials in at least four countries talked about ways they could manipulate kushner, in part by taking advantage of his complicated business. Entanglements. Ivanka trump and Jared Kushner took in as much as 135 million in revenue last year. That includes almost 4 million ivanka pulled in for her stake in the family hotel. Last year, china approved more than a dozen trademarks for ivanka trumpbranded products, the timing just as the u. S. And china were trying to restart trade talks, raised eyebrows. Trevor okay, come on, china approved a dozen trademarks for ivanka right as her dad was negotiating trade deals with china . You cant tell me thats not suspicious timing. I mean, its like how right before christmas, my mom said that a horrible accident happened at santas factory. laughter yeah. How how does this happen every year, mom . Huh . They should look into safety regulations at the factory or ill never get my toys. China does not mess around with their trademarks. Thats what you have to understand. For instance, Michael Jordan had to fight for four years to trademark himself. Yeah, but the chinese courts argued that this was not Michael Jordan. Yeah, they were like, no, that could be anyone. They were like, who knows . That could be me. Thats how crazy they are about trademarks. And i mean, thats wild. This would be like saying this isnt don jr. I mean, no one else has ever sat on a stump like that. cheers and applause we know who that is sump man, stump man, stump man. Now, lets be clear, lets be clear im not defending hunter biden. I dont know him. I dont know about his business. All im saying is that the last people who should be talking about the blurred lines of family names and political influence are the people currently running their home office from the white house. Well be right back. cheers and applause good lunch . Amazin toyota. Lets go places. Halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter] yes thank you. Youve got to do it. And keep doing it. Because there are those who dont. And those who do. Lets do. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My first guest tonight was just 16 years old when she was convicted of killing a man who solicited her for sex and sentenced to life in prison. After serving 15 years, she was granted full clemency and tells her story in the new book free cyntoia my search for redemption in the american prison system. Please welcome cyntoia brownlong. cheers and applause there are few stories you will read in a book, fiction or fact, that have as many twists and turns as the real life that you have lived. I knew a few details of your story, but reading through the book is a really powerful and painful and then redemptive experience at the same time. When you wrote the story again, was it hard for you to relive some of the decisions and some of the things that happened to you in your life that got you to where youinded up . It was. You know, when i started writing the book, i had thought that i had dealt with everything that had happened to me, and when youre actually writing those things, it brings up that time, that moment, when you have to step back in there. Especially when i started working with the writer, this great writer, Bethany Mauger asked me really great questions, asked me about some of the things i was feeling and thinking, things i hadnt really given much consideration to. It opened those moments back up. So it was really good to be able to just really process that and to just really stay back in those moments, even though it was hard. Trevor you faced the ultimate punishment for what happened to you in your life. And that was after this man solicited you, took you back to his place, abused you and essentially held you captive in his world, you killed him, and you were sentenced to life in prison. It was meant to be over 50 years. You served 15, which is essentially a life sentence because you were 16 years old at the time. In that time in prison, what did you think your world was going to be . You know, because you went in as a 16yearold. Well, i dont know, but i know that ever since i was in prison, i had always dreamed of, you know, living a real life. I never let go of hoping that i would get out one day. Yeah, so i always kept i always kept that faith and kept that hope. Trevor is that why you studied in prison . It is. Trevor because that was that was fascinating to me in the story. Heres somebody who is going to spend the rest of their life in jail. There is no promise that you will get out. And, yet, here are you studying, furthering your education, trying to just make the best of the time that you have. Why do that when you dont think that youre going to get out . Because i didnt believe them. Like, i didnt believe them when they told me i had life. applause i would make a point of when i would say things, you would hear a lot of people say, if i get out, or if my conviction is overturned. I would always say, when i get out. Trevor when we look at the criminal Justice System today its a fact that there are many cyntoia browns. If there is one thing that you wish would have been different when it came to how your case was handled, what would that be that would be applied to every case Going Forward . My case specifically. Number one, i do think there are things i need to be held accountable for. And i think there are a lot of cases of juveniles who comit certain crimes, there has to be a level of accountability. There have to be consequences. However, a juvenile is not the same as an adult. Even the Supreme Court has already ruled that several times in a string of cases. So it just doesnt seem like it makes sense to me for the Supreme Court to say that juveniles are not as culpable as adults. However, they can get the same trevor sentencing. They can get the same sentence. Trevor right. And so, i definitely think that should have been different. Trevor you have lived a story many wouldnt dream of living or have nightmares of living. Youve come out on the other side. You still smile. You say youre living your dream. You have the opportunity to live now. What are the things cyntoia does, where you just go like, man, this is apart from being free, this is what life is about. Honestly, like, when im just at home, sitting on the floor, watching a movie, ive cooked, ive got my hair all over my head, just, you know, just chillin. Like, this is it. This is what life is about. I dont have to worry about, you know, watching the clock because its gonna be count time. Or i need to hurry up and get my shower in before lockdown. You know, its just just being able to be free. Trevor thats all you can ask for. Thank you so much for being on the show. Wonderful having you here. cheers and applause free cyntoia, a stunning book, is available now. Cyntoia brownlong, everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause the following is a paid message. For a chip so iconic, we dont need to name it. No logos, no gimmicks. Just those red and blue bags with the stuff you love in it. Man you know the brand. Its the threesided crunch. That had you trade your buddies for it, if they packed a pack at lunch. No logo, but our names on the tip of your tongue. 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Com chicken cackles cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My next guest is a writer, actor, and standup comedian with two hit netflix comedy specials and the film always be my maybe. She has a new book called dear girls intimate tales, untold secrets and advice for living your best life. Please welcome ali wong. cheers and applause welcome to the daily show, ali wong. Thanks, trevor, it is my first time being here. Trevor it is your first time being here. cheers and applause i feel like its been way too long. Because, like, i watch everything you do. Im like a giant fan and i see you everywhere else. Oh, my god youre, like, stalking me. laughter trevor for real. Congratulations on everything youve done. Thank you. Trevor weve watched you blow up in standup, which everyone loves, and the thing that really brought me joy was seeing how you kick ass in movies as well. Oh, thanks so much. Trevor youre a movie star now, you realize that . It was really fun. And i got to mack on those three fineass dudes. Trevor thats right true. You watched the movie. It was like, who wrote this thing . Like, whos idea was this . Who was in charge . Trevor you have keanu reeves fighting over you. I know trevor and then he came to your show, didnt he . He came to my show, which was amazing. He was so sweet, and he was, like, in such a good mood afterwards. He was really smiley. Trevor you have fans of your standup. You have fans of your movies, but a book is a very different medium for us to engage ali wong. It is. Trevor your first book. Its also an interesting style of book. Youve written this book, dear girls it is specifically written to your children. Letters to my two daughters. Trevor right. I have two girls who are under the age of four, and the first one was in that stripped dress when i filmed baby cobra and the second one is in the my dad wrote me this letter before he passed away. And my real name is alexandra. And it started with dear alexandra, and he, like, reflected a lot on our relationship and how i had affected his life. And it was a short letter. And i love it so much. Trevor wow. But i wish that he had written me more, because after he passed, it was too late to ask him all these questions about who when he when i was born, like, he was already a successful anesthesiologist. Trevor right. And in the same way, like, when my girls were born, they only know me after i filmed those two specials, and they dont know, like, what it took for me to get where i am. Trevor before standup. And i think thats such an important life lesson. And i want them to know that i wasnt, you know that i struggled a lot and that i had to work really hard, so trevor you also talk about, like, just the journey of your rise in comedy. You know, you talk about your success, the grind that came behind it. But then you talk about, like, just the experiences youve had where someone you know, many people, in fact, tried to reduce you to just, you know, your your fact they went like, youre successful just because youre asian. Oh, my god trevor just because youre a woman. Just because youre a pregnant. Even now, there was a guy who i wont name names. Hes not a very successful comedian so i dont even know if you would know who he was. Trevor i dont. But he came up to you wouldnt know. Youre out of there now. But he, like, came up to me while i was pregnant the second time, and he touched my belly with his fat, sweaty hand which is so gross to begin with. Its like, why dont you finger me while youre at it . laughter this is so not okay. Like, just because im pregnant, doesnt mean its okay for you to touch my belly. And he was like, oh, so this is your shtick. This is your thing now. I was like, getting pregnant is not rainbow suspenders. Its not a shtick. He was like, youre so lucky, ali, you get all of this attention because youre both a female and minority. Yeah, because, historically, thats always been the winning combo for recognition and success. cheers and applause trevor oh, man and he was, like and he was and he was like, you know what i mean. Like, me, im just another white guy. And i was like, be a better white guy there are so many successful theres jimmy kimmel. Theres will farrell. Theres nick crow, theres john mulaney. I could go on this whole show for, like, 35 days. Trevor well do another show just of successful white comedians. Just be a funnier white guy. Right trevor ali wong, congratulations on another successful endeavor. You can catch ali on the milk and mind spp ali wong, everybody. Everybody. Well be right back. Do it big. Bigger. Hit it because there are those who dont, and those who do. Lets do. Halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter] yes thank you. cheers and applause trevor thats our show for tonight. Thank you so much for tuning in. Now here it is, your moment of zen
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