Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

Boom boom Doo Doo Doo Doo doo doo boom boom Doo Doo Doo Doo doo captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com [patriotic music] male narrator from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, the daily show with trevor noah presents. [hiphop music] biden has especially strong support among black women. A lot of people are wondering why that is. So to help us find out, lets turn to an actual black woman. Dulce sloan, everybody. Hey. [cheers and applause] its me come on, dulce. Hello. So. This feels like a conundrum. Dulce, help me understand. Why are so many black women leaning toward joe biden . I dont wanna talk about this political shit, trevor. [exhales sharply] idris elba got married, and im sad. Oh, dulce, i understand. Bebecause you loved idris and now you have to look for another dream man. Thats why youre sad. No, im sad because now i got to kill somebody. [laughter] okokay, letslets move on. Dulce focusfocus on politics. Hmm . Why do you think biden is doing so well with black women . Like many people expected, uh, black women to support corey booker or kamala harris. Well, let me break it down for you. Corey and kamala are fine, but if im completely honest if im completely honest, they got a bit of an image problem. I mean coreys nice, but he remind you of that cousin thats a tattletale. You know, even when no one asked, just snitching for the love of the game. Like, oh, she did this. [whines mockingly] uhuh, and then kamala looks like a mean vice principal, you know. [light laughter] she just comes up like, dulce. I want whats best for you, which is why im giving you detention. Corey, thank you for coming right to me. Okokay, like okay, i see what youre saying, in terms of an image, but, okay, it doesnt explain why black women then dont go for someone like Elizabeth Warren then. I mean shes addressed specific issues that black women have like reparations, the black Maternal Mortality rate. Why are black women going with, like, a guy whos got the crime bull and anita hill on his record . Listen, dont get me wrong. Younger black women will probably go with Elizabeth Warren, but for older black women, theyre gonna go with biden. Because if biden becomes president , then obama is back in the white house. [cheers and applause] well. Yeah, yeah wait, wait, wait. [laughs] no, wait, wait. But thats not true. Obama cant be president again. Who said anything about president . [scoffs] if joe biden wins, hes gonna invite obama over for dinner and wheres dinner . The white house. Boom [cheers, laughter, and applause] obamas back in the white house. I mean its sneaky, but its all we got. [laughter] okay, fine. So maybe that explains black women support. But whats interesting to me, dulce, is that democrats overall seem to be going with biden, whichwhich is strange, like, considering how diverse and fresh most of the other candidates are. Of course, yeah. Thisthis is just a simple case of familiar dick. [audience exclaims and laughs] familiar dick . Yeah, seelisten. Yall know what im talking about, okay. Theres that one dude you been hooking up with for years, right . And sometimes you try someone different, but you always go back to him. Thats familiar dick. [laughter, cheers, and applause] yall get it. [cheers and applause] thank you. Like listen. You know how well it does, what it does. I mean, sure, hes 37 and sells drugs on a child bike. [laughter] but its the dick you know. [laughter] i can safely say i didnt know that women categorized dick that way. Yeah, we got familiar dick, broke dick, rich dick. [laughter] mediocre dick, always lets you borrow his car dick. [laughter] okay, so if i understand what youre saying, youre saying joe bidens politics is the familiar penis that the democrats wish to return to. Now, youre getting it, dimple dick ha [laughter and applause] okokay. So. So. Please dont encourage her. So. [laughter] as a voter and as a black woman. Mmhmm . Who do you prefer then . Familiar dick or new dick . Neither. I prefer british dick. Im coming for you, idris the conservative sixth district around muncie, indiana is not where you would expect to find a black woman running for congress or bees. My name is jeannine lake and im running for u. S. Congress in the 6th district. Ninice to meet you. Jeannine lake has her work cut out for her. Not only is she running against greg pence, a conservative who is so white he makes his brother look like suge knight, her district is also 92 white. But remarkably, she won the primary. I beat five guys to get here. Who guys . Five white guys. You beat five white guys . Yeah. Man, i feel so much better about this situation. Im excited to run and win in this district. I know that i can win. Black girl midterm magic. Ding. As the first black woman to win the nomination in her district, jeannine is an inspiration, but she needs help. Thats where the dccc could come in. The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee helps candidates with logistics, advice, and money. Because you need lots of money to win. But theres one problem. Ive called them personally and we have not had a response. What about an email . No emails. Text . No. Page . No. Messenger boy . Weve been rejected on all forms of communication at this point. So, basically, they broke up with you. They really didnt even give us that first. Oh my god, you got broken up with somebody you hadnt been with in the first place . It hurt. Oh, this is inappropriate. You know what . Im a be right back. Im a becamera man, come on. Im notmmmm. I wanted to talk to the dccc, but they stood me up. So to find out why the organization was swiping left on a nice lady like jeannine, i went to see their former boss man, steve israel, and just in case he was single, i got my hair done. I was trying to understand, why is it the dccc trying to break Jeannine Lakes heart . Its not about breaking her heart, uh, and i know how frustrating it is for her, uh, because so many candidates have that experience, but the democrats are going to be outspent by the republicans and so theyve got to put their money into races that are competitive. Youre telling me that the dccc is a broke dude . But you got to prove that youre worthy for him to even call you back . Broke dudes are always trash steve. They have the best sexy time, but theyre trash. That broke dude, uh, is going to be the difference between a Rubber Stamp Republican Congress for donald trump or a check and balances congress for donald trump. I hear you, but you aint even calling us back steve. If im running for your party, at least call a sister back. Thats all im saying. Itits not about not calling her back. Everybody deserves respect. But i have to say, at the end of the day, you make decisions not based on whether the candidate is a black woman or a white dude. You make decisions based on a coldblooded assessment of what districts are winnable. So you think shes not going to win . [clicks tongue, groans] i have to talk to her about this. Turns out there are too many fish in the sea for the dccc to fall in love with the long shot like jeannine. To break the bad news to her, i had to let my hair down. Listen. They are going in another direction. Uh. They feel like. Maybe its you and not them. [laughter] they were saying that there was not a good chance that you would win. They havent met jeannine lee lake. Because if they met jeannine lee lake, they would know we can win. Okay, jeannine might not win this time, but if anyone could flip this maga hat red, mayonnaise white, bud light blue district, its someone like her. So the very least i could do is get her that phone call. Hey jeannine, i want to give you two words that we dont often say and that is thank you. Thank you for running. I know it can be challenging, but youre not alone. Im going to support your campaign in any way i can. [mimics air horn blowing] youre welcome, america. Sun care is self care. I used to not love wearing an spf just because i felt like it was so oily and greasy. But with Olay Regenerist whip spf 25, its so lightweight. I love it. Im busy philipps, and im fearless to face anything. Tell him were flexible. Dont worry. My dutch is ok. Just ok . in dutch tell him we need this merger. in dutch its happening. just ok is not ok. Especially when it comes to your network. At t is americas best Wireless Network according to americas biggest test. Now with 5g evolution. The first step to 5g. More for your thing. Thats our thing. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. [hiphop music] Jeff Sessions is the 15th highprofile firing of the trump presidency. Like, why do you think that trump is firing so many people from his administration . Because he can get away with it. Every time trump fires one of these bitch asses, they smile and nod and then they crawl away. Scaramucci was up there crying. Sean spicer went back to wherever his chin was. [laughter] and did you see Jeff Sessions . He was shaking hands with the man who took his job. If i had to shake hands with the person who took my job, you would have to find another person to take my job. [laughter] and that persons gonna need to find a new hand. [laughter] in fact, the only person who left with dignity is omarosa. Whoa what are you talking about . Apparently, omarosa got dragged out of the white house kicking and screaming. Exactly. [laughter] and it worked. Trump hasnt fired a black woman since. [laughter] mmhmm. I. I dont think thank you. I dont think trump has hired a black woman since. Thats not my point, okay . My point is, you teach people how to treat you. I remember the last time i got fired, i was laying hands like it was sunday morning, okay . I told them, if im not making money, yall not making money. Thats why theres no more circuit city. [laughter] wow, dulce, im not gonna lie. I wish i had known all of this before i hired you. Oh, no, thats not gonna happen unless you fire me and since youre not gonna do that, theres nothing to worry about. [laughter] is there . No, no, of course not. Lets move on. So if i hear you right, what youre saying is the white house officials should make a scene whenever they get fired to make trump think twice before firing anyone . Yeah youre already being escorted out by the secret service, you might as well earn it, okay . Tear down the curtains, carve a dick into trumps desk. [laughter] dont just make the news, make history. [cheers and applause] [percussive music] lets talk about something fun for a change. Today is National Creamsicle day. Hurray [cheers and applause] yeah and, uh, dont you guys wanna celebrate with a creamsicle right now . Yeah, you do . Well, if you all look under your seats, youll see that they all melted, im sorry. I put them out too early. I didnt know they were frozen. Yeah, you guys should have been here yesterday for national lefthanders day. That surprise did not melt. [laughter] here to help me celebrate National Creamsicle day, is our very own dulce sloan, everybody. [cheers and applause] hello. Dulce. Whats up . You know, one thing i love about america is that every day is a fun nationalsomething day. Like, whats your favorite national day . I think mine is national, i dont give a shit about national days. [laughter] what day is that dulce . Its every day. Dont you know they make these days up just to sell you shit . Well, justbut just last week dulce, there was, uh, black womens equal pay day . Oh, so you saying that black women getting equal pay is the same as creamsicle day . [laughter] no, no, no, no, no, no. [stammers] i wasnt saying that. What iyou know what . Lets move on. All right, lets move on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Lets talk about black womens equal pay. You guys want to talk about black womens equal pay . [cheers and applause] okay. Okay, but firstbut first, lets talk about creamsicles. Wha because i heard that sometimes when you mention products on tv they send you free samples. Oh, that would be great. If someone out there owns equal pay, send me some. [laughter] trevor, on average, it takes black women 20 months to make what a white man earns in 12. With that ratio, if you put olivia pope on 24, it would have to be called 39. [laughter] black Women Deserve equal pay because being a black woman is also expensive. I gotta pay for products for my natural hair, i gotta pay for products for my fake hair. I mean, i wish i could use one of those threeinone shampoo, conditioners, and body washes, but i cant wash my hair with the same thing i wash my ass with, [laughter] i mean, isnt something isnt that something we should all believe . And ilook, i just two shampoo . Just two things. Just get two things. I think i think its also important for us to remember, dulce, that paying black women equally is right because it also allows them to buy more creamsicles. If you dont shut up about these damn creamsicles shut up, about these creamsicles, man. Look, america, black women need to be paid more than anybody. Wait, wait, waiti th [grunting] no. [cheers and applause] wait, wait, wait, wait. I thought that you were why you not clapping, huh . I thought this is was about equality. No, i changed my mind. [light laughter] now, i want more. [laughter] because we do so much for america. We keep child molesters out of office, we literally gave yall royalty. [laughter] and what would you do without black woman memes . All youd have is that blinking white dude. [laughter] all im saying is, pay us what were owed. Now, if youll excuse me. Its National Creamsicle day. [laughter and applause] dulce sloan, everybody. Well be right back. [[airpod case clicking open]g] hey siri, play me something new. Music playing it was just past one when two three men from four five step to me door like oh my gosh just throw that cash in a black bag run around the back and pull up the track, cause yaow i just learnt some jazz today, its true you gon learn you gon learn you gon learn, hey elcome to the land of those who do. 50 states. 50 bottles. Collect them all to get a hundred bucks. Sun care is self care. I used to not love wearing an spf just because i felt like it was so oily and greasy. But with Olay Regenerist whip spf 25, its so lightweight. I love it. Im busy philipps, and im fearless to face anything. Oh, pete . cmon man. What . We said pantyhose right . Here, eat this. Creamy snickers®. You could use a little smoothness. Pete . Pete zagorin . Get smooth with the freshground nut butters in new creamy snickers®. Setting the tone for the team, thats what i embrace. Hustling. Doing the dirty work. Chocolate milk has protein, carbohydrates, and it tastes great. Everything that i need to recover after a hard workout. [hiphop music] have you been accused of racism just because you called 911 on a black person for no reason . The son grabbed my ass. Have you suffered from shame, national humiliation, and severe burns on black twitter . Well, it may not be your fault. It may be your sunglasses. [dings] hi, im dulce sloan, from the law firm sloan, me, and my momma. Due to a manufacturing defect, its been discovered that many sunglasses have a racist filter. Instead of normal sunglasses that block out light from the ultraviolet spectrum, these defective filters turns a normal black man into this scary looking mother[bleep] right here. Ill do this shit. I aint going back to jail. I voted for obama. So if you or a loved one has called 911 on a black person, it must be the sunglasses fault. I mean otherwise, that means youre just racist. And we both know that that isnt true. Police in america have been getting a pretty bad rap recently. Mostly because they keep shooting unarmed black people, and it doesnt help that we keep recording it. If we didnt keep catching them on our phones, the problem would just go away like my gas bill. If i dont open my mail, i dont owe you a cent. [laughter] but since it doesnt look like people are gonna stop filming the cops, some Police Departments are coming up with other solutions. And like most of the dudes in my dms, these solutions are weird. The nypd is turning to Virtual Reality to help improve community relations. And theyre working with teenagers. This new program called options simulates recurring problems the nypd hopes it helps address. Those are supposed to be students on the Basketball Court being asked to be in a gang. If youre not down with me, im gonna to look dumb. All the characters students encounter in the clips we were shown are people of color. Police say thats in an effort to be more relatable to the communities theyre trying to target. Okay, again, not a bad idea, which is why the cops should play the games themselves, okay . I dont need vr to teach me how to deal with black people. I have a family. [laughter] and a bunch of mirrors in my house. I deal with me every day and im a [bleep] delight. [laughs] [cheers and applause] [mouthing] and if youre trying to teach young people youre gonna need a better game. This game is like grand theft auto with none of the fun. What do you do on a level two . Pay taxes and wear a condom . Pfft. [laughter] but i get why cops are trying to role play, everyone loves role playing. Youd be a cop, a prison guard. Ooh, you could even be a prisoner. Ooh, im talking a prisoner whos been bad. [laughter] real bad. So now you have to handcuff her, and take her to a holding cell. Like, oh, oh, sir, youre being so rough. [giggles] dulce, dulce, dulce. I think youre getting a little off topic. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Im back. Wait. [giggles] [laughter] okay, im back. I had to finish. [laughter and cheers] [applause] gotta get mine. [cheers and applause] now in new york, theyre changing the way they interact with black people, but over in west georgia, theyre going a different way. Still dumb, but different. This Afternoon Police have a new Crime Fighting tool they say could help in dangerous situations. Watch police show us exactly how this works. You point the device in the direction of the person that you want to entangle or restrict their movement. The bolawraps extra strong line shoots out and catches around a suspects ankle. Heres how that looks. We slowed it down so you can see the line wrap around the mannequins legs. Okay, thats got to be the worst idea yet, all right . If you are gonna tie ankles together while im running, id rather be shot. Whoa, whoa, wait. What . You heard me. At least when you get shot you go out with some dignity, all right . You wont hogtie me like some damn rodeo cattle. [light laughter] i went to college. Im not getting taken down by this cartoon ass gun. What is this . For police or the circus . Okay, whats next . Cops are gonna stop a car chase by tossing banana peels out the window . [laughter] you know dulce, like, i feel like police are trying to come up with solutions, and youre just hating on them. What do you think would work better . Oh, heres an idea, why dont the police just talk to black people, hmm . [cheers and applause] i mean get to know us as humans, and hire cops who actually live in the neighborhood theyre policing, that way cops dont feel like theyre commuting to a spike lee movie every day. [laughter] and residents will know the cops actually care. Plus, if a cop was your neighbor, that aint snitching, thats gossip. [laughter] you know, dulce, actually, these these are some great ideas, so i think we should we should scrap all the other ideas, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We canwe can, uh, keep the little lasso thing. I thought you said you hated that one the most. For the police. Im gonna use it to catch idris elba. [cheers and applause] um, by the way, when is he coming back to the show . Im definitely not telling you now. [laughter] oh, dont worry. Ill find out. I went to college. Dulce sloan, everybody. Well be right back. [cheers and applause] pieces or cups . Pieces or cups . Pieces or cups . Pieces in cups man, were killing it over here, huh . Not sorry. 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Mines named jorge. But our law firm, has a better solution. Incorporate that pussy. Thats right, because corporations are the one thing republicans dont wanna regulate. So well turn your business, into a business. And in their eyes, youll go from baby maker, to money maker. Were regulating your vagina. But its a business now . Well in that case, heres a tax cut. [dings] so call us today and make sure your private sector stays private. Were talking about your vag. And all that other stuff down there. Everything but the butt. [quietly] but the butt. No butt stuff. No