[upbeat latin music playing] Hernando Marquez hey, are you Hernando Marquez, or am i Hernando Marquez . Hernando marquez [music resumes] okay. [both laugh maniacally] [music continues] both Hernando Marquez so youre semen, right . Male announcer from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, the daily show with trevor noah presents. [rock music] wow male announcer the beast of special. Animals. Theyre cute, theyre cuddly and sometimes, they even pass legislation. But sometimes, animals can also be a bit much. So to help us cover the big animal stories in the news, we turn to our own daily show animal expert, my australian cousin, with a new segment we call [bleep] these animals. [cheers and applause] [dramatic music] [australian accent] thanks, trevor. [laughter] yeah, i used to like animals. Thats why i became a zoologist or whatever this hats for. Until one day, my animal hero, steve irwin, got stabbed in the heart by a bloody stingray. Everyone says stingrays are harmless. Well, try telling that to steve. You cant because of a murdering stingray. So thats why i say [bleep] these animals. Look. People have to stop bringing animals to places where they dont belong. Not for the animals sake. You know me. [bleep] these animals. But because every time they get brought somewhere, they end up screwing things up for us humans, like the story out of texas. The cbs huston affiliate, khou, says a tiger was found inside an abandoned home. Authorities received an anonymous call yesterday from people who had gone into the home and, yes, discovered a tiger. They were going to go into this vacant house to smoke marijuana and they discovered they were greeted by a large tiger. Hes in a rinkydink cage that could easily bust open. It wasit was secured with a nylon strap. Now, this story pisses me off the most because that tiger ruined those peoples high. Just imagine you go into an abandoned house to smoke weed and then you see a bloody tiger. Youre probably like, what kinda weed is this . [laughter] that house cat looks like a tiger. So then you go, let me pet the cat. But guess what . Its a bloody tiger, mate. So it rips youre arm clean off. Now you got one arm and the worst part is thats the arm that had your joints in it. [bleep] these animals another thing that bothers me about the story is who moves out of their house and forgets their tiger. What bogan is leaving the house like, oh keys, wallet, phone. What am i missing . Oh yeah, my 300 pound jungle monster. [upbeat music] the Spanish Police have just introduced their cutest Police Officer that youve ever seen in your life. A fourlegged rescuer in spain has an unusual skill. Police in madrid are showing off the cpr technique of poncho the police dog. He bounces on his handlers chest and even checks for breathing. The video has been viewed millions of times on facebook and twitter. Oh, thats so cute. That is so cute. I mean no way that guy lives, but its so cute. For the last seven years, assange has been protected by living in the ecuadorian embassy. But, apparently, ecuador has discovered that hackers make terrible house guests. Why was that asylum lifted overnight . There had been reports for some time that assange was sort of had outlived his welcome there in the embassy for all sorts of reasons, including that he was skateboarding in the halls. So weird. And stealing wifi, and that his cat had been making a mess. So theyou know, the ecuadorians were getting sick of having him there. The most disturbing thing about the story is somehow not the fact that assange allowed it to shit all over the embassy. No, its that every day he dressed that poor thing up in a tie and collar. And im talking an entire wardrobe, right . Yeah. [laughter] like, if i worked in the ecuadorian embassy, that would be my sign that assange was losing it. Hed just be like, i need some tiny ties for my cat. He just got his accounting degree. Id be like, okay. I think its time for you to go buddy. And if you ever owned cats, you know that cats dont enjoy that, right . I mean cats dont enjoy anything, but they especially dont enjoy being dressed up as people, all right . Hes not yawning in this photo. Hes screaming, help me help [rock music] a seemingly tame beluga whale was spotted off the coast of norway, and this morning, some believe this whales actually being used to gather intelligence for the russians. Some experts believe this beluga whale was trained by the Russian Military to be a spy. Okay. Okay, now, ive heard it all. The russians are training whales as spies . That is next level. And also, i dont think he wants a spy that can easily be flipped by just offering it fish, right . Like think about it. Its not gonna be a good spy. People will just be in the Interrogation Room like, tell me where it is and the whale will be like, youll never make me talk. Anyone want a fish . [chattering] just because this whale was found wearing a russian harness doesnt necessarily mean hes a spy. Whales are very sophisticated creatures. For all we know, hes just into some bdsm. [laughter] ah, and who are we to judge . What you do with your blowhole is your business. [upbeat music] youre not gonna believe this, but something really strange happened in florida. A rare bird that rammed into its owner and killed him is up for auction. Marvin hajone died after he was attacked by the cassowary in gainesville. The flightless bird is now for sale along with 100 other exotic animals from the mans personal collection. Quick question why are they auctioning off the killer bird . [laughter] like, whos bidding on that . Is there someone out there showing up like, 200, ill fight that bird. [laughter] and you know that, like, people are like, this bird, i cant believe it. But lets be lets be fair people. We murder birds every day. Like hundreds of thousands of them, yeah. So life really is about perspective. We call this bird a murderer, but chickens locked up in farms everywhere, theyre like, yo, thats our malcolm x. Thats what that is. That was revenge. Theyre getting tattoos of that bird on themselves right now. [laughter] and florida or not, it is shocking to hear that theres a bird that can kill people. Its like finding out theres a gerbil that commits arson. Mr. Snickers, no [rock music] two lions were recently caught in the act at a National Park in kenya, but this wasnt your average instance of mating. Thats because both the lions were male. The head of kenyas film censorship board, ezekiel mutua, called for the lions to be isolated. On november 2nd, he told the nairobi news. [laughter] oh, wow. This kenyan politician thinks that these lions learned this from gay people. Like, this is either homophobia on another level or gay people are incredible animal trainers. [laughter] i cant even get my dog to sit and theyve got these lions sixty nineing, really . [laughter] or maybe or maybe hes just jealous because i know im jealous. I mean look at that guy. Huh . Look at that guy. You ever been so satisfied you lost control of your tongue . Just like. [grunting] [laughter and applause] Hakuna Matata [laughter] i would love to be on that safari just to hear the conversation, mommy, are those lions making babies . No, sweetie, theyre just having a good time. I dont want this boring food. Howdy dudes colonel chester did someone say kfc cheetos cobranded chicken sandwich . Cheesy crispy limited time only try kfcs new cheetos sandwich. Wowww its equality in my hand. Its not a boy thing, or a girl thing. Its everything. Give your kids a sport with a level Playing Field for all. Join net generation. Give your kids a sport with a level Playing Field for all. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. [hiphop music] [rock music] wow male narrator the beast of special. These days a lot of people are criticizing the police. Not me, of course, because i love the police. In fact when people say, [bleep] the police, i say yeah. I want to [bleep] the police. Hard. I want to make love to the police. I love the police. And cops around the country are making changes, but in michigan, there is one Police Department thats going way too far. There is a new sheriff in town today. Detroit Police Departments newest pawfficer was sworn in for duty. This is the latest recruit to the detroit Police Department feline unit. Meet pawfficer donut ready to report for duty. Pawfficer donut is the First Official police cat in michigan. We want to show that the police have a human side too. Wow, the police got a kitten. Finally, Colin Kaepernick can stand. How is this supposed to humanize the police . Liking cats doesnt make you sympathetic. It makes you every lonely person on instagram, right . And look, i get that Law Enforcement today is willing to do anything to get people to like them except obviously, not shoot black people, but this wont work because throwing cats at a problem never solved anything, right . I learned that the hard way during a grease fire in my apartment. Ronnyronny, i feel like youre taking this too seriously. Im taking this too seriously . Yo, the police had the judge swear the cat in. Judge Nielsen Hartig and judge mcginnis perform the ceremony asking pawfficer donut to raise her right paw. [laughter] oh, my god, thats so cute. She promised to purrtect and serve, act as an ambassador to the community, be tolerant of the k9 unit, and even cuddle when needed. Okay, first of all, if youve ever spent any time with a cat, you know that that oath is bullshit, okay . The only oath a cat ever keeps is to show you his butt hole and tear up your couch. Ronny, you are being heartless. The cat is so cute. Im being heartless . Yo, just listen to how the cops treated their previous cat. The campaign to fill their feline unit has had ups and downs. This week they found out the original kitty recruit, pawfficer badges, has feline leukemia. Its a good thing we had officer donut in the wings who was able to rise to the occasion. That Police Department is cold, all right. That first police cat got cancer so they replaced him with another cat. Who fires a sick kitten . [laughter] now, officer badges isnt just dealing with kitty leukemia, hes an alcoholic too. Hes probably down at a local bar lapping jameson out of a saucer. Hey, ronny, ii dont mean to make it personal, but are youare you okay, man . This seems like something that touches you. Yeah, it is. Because detroit michigan pd is treating police cats like their little mascots and theyre not, and i know that because my own cat also joined the police force. [laughter] do you have any idea what its like to live with a police cat . Waiting up all night for sergeant mr. Snuggles to come home . [laughter] and then one day, getting a call from the chief with the words youve youve always dreaded, your cat. Got stuck in the wall again. [laughter] [sobs] im so sorry. Ronny chang everyone. Chimpanzees. Theyre one of the humans closest relatives, all right . And today we found out that theyre even closer to the humans than we thought. People are going bananas over this incredible video of a chimpanzee whos managed to work out how to use an iphone. The academic ape is seen scrolling through videos and photos on the smartphone after mastering the ability to swipe through different images. Are you shitting me . [laughter] theres a chimpanzee who knows how to use instagram . And people are saying that this video shows how smart chimps are . I actually think its the opposite. It proves that instagram appeals to the chimp part inside human brains. Yeah. Because i dont know about you, but instagram makes me real dumb. Im having complicated discussions during the day just like, hey, you know when you look at the economy and you look at whats happening in congress now, and then you get on instagram and youre like, [chattering] [laughter] police in florida got some unexpected help corralling a suspect after a stolen car chase there. Check this out. Helicopter footage from the Seminole CountySheriffs Office shows the car crashing into a ditch sunday night. Look closely. The officers capture the driver before he can run very far. Meanwhile, a herd of cows goes after the fleeing passenger. Oh. South of east of you, um, theactually, the large group of cows is following her. The cows harassed and herded the woman to a nearby dirt road. Deputies were waiting to arrest her. I think this says more about florida than anything else. [laughter] things are so crazy there, even the cows are like, well, someones got to do something. Weve got to do something. Last night, a woman in california led police on a car chase in an rv. Now, luckily, no people or animals were hurt. But please brace yourselves for one of the craziest things youve ever seen. A Wild Police Chase near los angeles last night involving a stolen motor home. A woman behind the wheel crashed into a parking lot tree, ripping off part of the front end of a windshield. She also hit several cars during the chase. At one point, a dog could be seen hanging out of the open windshield before it jumped out. It all ended when the motor home hit a car. Like you realize, this was so insane that even the womans dog was trying to escape. Like, thats when you know youve gone too far; when your dogs trying to abandon you. Yeah. Because dogs are ride or die, right . Ive seen Homeless People with dogs. Dogs will stick with you through thick and thin. Thats why we love them. But that dog was like, all right, i know two things Peanut Butter is delicious and this bitch is crazy. Im out. [laughter and applause] im out. [cheers and applause] [text tone] [text tone] [text tone] nice mmmmmm so nice nice v. Especially when your easily distracted teenager has the car. The worst. At subaru, were taking on distracted driving [ping] with sensors that alert you when your eyes are off the road. The allnew subaru forester. The safest forester ever. Hilda, i like the new do. Got some layers in there, huh . The more, the merrier. Got to have this stuff in the morning. Oh, thats too hot. Act your age. Get your own insurance company. Carlo, why dont you start us with a little bit of cereal . You can spread it all around the table. And were gonna split the warm hot dog. And ill have a glass of grape juice to spill on the carpet. Oh, uh, do you want some to spill . Act your age. Get your own insurance company. Oh, uh, do you want some to spill . For brightness and clarity. Coors light is cold filtered. The worlds most refreshing beer. Coors light. We run right into these crises, and we do not leave until normalcy is restored. Wed been working for days on a site in a storm devastated area. A family pulled up. It was a mom and her kids. Everything they had had been washed away. The only thing that brought any kind of solace was the ability to hand her a device so she could call her family and let them know that she was okay. vo there for you when it matters most. Join us and get up to 650 when you switch. Thats verizon. Ooohhhh [hiphop music] [rock music] wow male narrator the beast of special. Staten island. A place famous for mob wives, spray tans, and cheese sticks. But theres more to the wildlife here than just beefed up sleevehaters. So i met up with park ranger, sarah aucoin, to find out more. There actually are a lot of wild animals here. We have a big population of deer, actually, in Staten Island. You may have heard of deer when they went viral last august or from that popular snapchat filter. Adorable, right . Wrong. You know in this case, therethere can be too much of aof a good thing. The deer population can grow larger than the environment can support it and thats something we definitely want to control. In six years, Staten Island went from 24 deer to nearly a thousand, leading to lyme disease, property damage, and the destruction of several soupedup nissan maximas. All right. So how are we going to take care of this . Kentucky style . [mimics shotgun racking] no, were not were not going to chicago style . Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pff. Nono. Texas style. [mimics automatic gunfire] were not taking any lethal action. Were going to be performing vasectomies. [laughter] sure, thats the. Yeah, thats the obvious solution to the problem. That would be the first thing that one would think of. Well, honestly it is it is a little bit outside of the box. Way outside the box. And this raises one pressing question. Woman to woman. When you cut their dicks off, does it feel good . Actually, ive to correct you. Wewere not castrating them. And, in fact, were not going to do it. Were hiring a contractor who has expertise in this area, tony denicola. Oh, so you got a guy, tony. I got a guy, tony. You got a guy, tony. Is it check and loan tony . No. Freegasforhandies tony. Not the same tony. Thirsty thursday is karaoke night tony. This is not the same tony. Different tony. So i met up with dick slayer tony, tony denicola. Did you always know that you wanted to neuter deer or did you lose a bet . Uh, no, its a lot more complicated than that. Uh, yeah. Tonys plan involved cameras, tracking, and yes, i knew it, a gun. Is it pretty precise when you shoot their dicks off . Um, were not that good. Ugh, turns out theyre going to tranquilize them and give them operations. Theres just one problem. This idea is nuts. Meet deer expert, al cambronne. For this to work, wed need to capture nearly all those bucks and if only, say, 20 remain, then well still have lots of fawns next spring. So theyre gonna still. Yeah, and one buck can happily breed many does. Well, Staten Island. Yeah. Another problem is that deer can swim. Bucks are going to be coming from new jersey. Bridge and tunnel deer are the worst. And well be right back where we started. And it gets worse. This is going to cost 2 million. Thats, like, over 5,000 a dick. Relative to the cost of not doing anything, we think its a really wise investment. One more problem with the vasectomy plan. Ah, jesus. Every fall, theres deer mating season; what we call the rut. Those that dont become pregnant, theyll be back in heat. Things get wild out there. Like a two month [bleep] frenzy. Exactly. Or like summer bible camp. Yeah. Time to come up with a more realistic solution. Have you thought about introducing japanese deer sex dolls . Well. Thats a possibility. Worked for my husband. Hmm. Wont even look at me now. Nothing. They are, during the rut, interested in only one thing. Its like, i just had a baby and your body changes and biologically, things are a little bit different. And when you nurse, things happen to your body and you wont even want to know what happens down there after having it. Yeah. Its like, sometimes, a woman just needs attention. Sure, al was a great listener, but he had no solutions. But you know who might . Good oldfashioned, saltoftheearth, Staten Islanders. Take down those [bleep] with a baseball bat. We should get some [bleep] mountain lions over here. This plan is going to cost 2 million. 2 million . Give me and rob a million and well take care take of it. Well take care of it ourselves, and every deer on Staten Island. Ill wait in a tree stand every night and ill get every deer. Guaranteed. I put it right in the headlock on my arms. You look like christina aguilera. Are you her . No, im not christina aguilera. Oh, okay. I got a few solutions. What are they . Me and you. Jump in my car and go back to my place. Thats when i realized, we had the perfect solution this whole time. Just for a different Staten Island problem. Finally, time to cut some dicks off. [light music] were jack daniels. The oldest, realest, loudest, quietest, friendliest, lonesomest, proudest, mellowest, least likely to give up on a good tradition, most likely to make it how we make it whiskiest whiskey from lynchburg, tennessee. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. I have one kid in each branch of the military, but im command central. Its so important to us that verizon is supporting military families. When i have a child deployed, having a Reliable Network means everything. So, when i get a video chat, and i get to see their face, its the best thing in the world. And ive earned every one of these gray hairs. Military moms, we serve too. vo the network more people rely on, gives you more. Like military plans with a special price on unlimited, 100 per line, and big savings on our best phones when you switch. Thats verizon. {tires screeching} {truck honking} [alarm beeping] avo life doesnt give you many second chances. But a subaru can. dad you guys ok . You alright . Wow. avo eyesight with precollision braking. Standard on the subaru ascent. Presenting the threerow subaru ascent. Love is now bigger than ever. [hiphop music] [rock music] wow male narrator the beast of special. Mm, yeah in california, as of january 1st, pets are now legally considered part of the family in divorces, not just property. Judges can assign sole or joint custody based on the best interests of the pet. Wow. This is beyond [bleep] stupid. [laughter] how do you determine the best interests of the pet . What if its a weasel . Or a tarantula . Even if its a dog, youre just going to have two lawyers at opposite sides of the courtroom calling its name and the winner will be whoever touched sausages that morning. [laughter]