I have never seen a thin person drinking diet coke. And, of course, how did you like Michelle Obamas bangs last night . With his follower count surging, trump would now harness the power of twitter to fuel his political rise. What started as just asking questions about whether the United States president was born in the United States blossomed into a fullblown run for the white house. And the media awaited each trump tweet like the hungry little bitches they are. Donald trump tonight the tweet with his taco bowl. We got breaking news. Donald trump is tweeting something right now. A twitter tirade. Has he been tweeting again this morning . I just heard. Yes, he has been tweeting again this morning. I havent been f i was just told in my ear we have yet another tweet. Another tweet from trump . Yet another tweet. Would the weight of the presidency change donald trump . [scoffs] not even a little. After taking office, the 70yearold trump kept tweeting with the vigor of a person 60 years his junior. Why . Because america demanded it. Let me ask you should i keep the twitter going or not . Keep it going . [cheers and applause] i think so, i think so. And so trump continues his tweeting to this day, a sacrifice he makes for the american people. Last night, the president apparently starting to write something on twitter about the media despite the negative press perhaps he was gonna write coverage. He wrote the word covfefe. And it stayed up for an entire six hours before it was taken down this morning. [laughter] you know what . Like, i dont know about america, but donald trump has definitely made twitter great again. Say what you want, say what you want. And im just gonna enjoy this moment. I dont carecoverage or not coveragei dont care. People were searching covfefe on the internet like it was a Kim Kardashian nude. People were on it. President trump, making a dangerous accusation without providing proof. President trumps allegation that then president obama bugged his phones during the election. President trumps stunning claim accusing president obama of spying on him. Oh, [bleep]. This is the biggest story ever. [laughter] even bigger than last weeks biggest story ever when the attorney general was caught lying about his contacts with russia. You know, donald trump is the only person who thinks the best way to distract from a scandal is to start an even bigger scandal. Hes like, this Jeff Sessions thing is getting too hot, people. Im gonna pull out my [bleep] and lets see if that helps. Lets do it, guys, lets do it. And you know, if you were gonna accuse a former president of committing a major federal crime, at least show that you have some appreciation for the gravity of what youre doing, you know . Call a press conference. Instead, trump is making these allegations from the same place we hashtag about the bachelor. President trumps twitter outbursts came just before sunrise at the private Palm Beach Club the president likes to call the winter white house. Terrible, just found out that obama had my wires tapped in trump tower just before the victory. Nothing found. That was followed by four more president ial tweets taking on president obama and misspelling tap. [laughter] that was nicely done by the news guy. Hes just like, and misspelling tap. yeah, cause really, how are you gonna take on a twoterm president if you cant even handle a threeletter word . And, by the way, because trump is the president , that is now officially the way we all have to spell tap. Yeah, the extra p is for pussy. [laughter] so yesterday, alabama republicans went to the polls to choose between two candidates. Roy moore, former alabama chief justice, and luther strange, the 69 former attorney general. Now the reason a republican primary race became National News is the same reason everything becomes National News mango unchained got involved. We need each and every one of you to get a friend go out, get a family member, get the whole family, and bring them out to vote for big luther. Did people call you big luther before you met trump . You know, i brand people. I just saw him i said, hes big luther. And thats cool. Wow, what a genius. He just saw the big guy, and he was like, hes big. Oh, man. Roy moore has won the Alabama Senate republican primary over senator luther strange. Wow, trumps man, luther strange, lost. Yeah, and he lost big. It was a big loss. You see, what i like to do is brand lossesthats what i do. I give them nicknames. Big loss. Thought of it myself. And this is not a joke donald trump was so humiliated he even deleted a bunch of his tweets where he told people to vote for luther strange. I know this is a small thing, but, in a weird way, its a big thing. Like, i would want a president smart enough to know that just because you delete the tweets doesnt mean that theyre gone, right . If someone went up to trump and went got your nose im afraid hed be like, my nose, my nose, my nose [thinking] want thesmexican spices . [thinking] nacho cheese sauce . Critics and fans agree, nacho fries are a masterpiece. Itll change the way you look at fries craves the hollywood reporter. Nacho fries, now serving at a taco bell near you. [bong ] pain from a headache whcan make this. Ld,. Feel like this. Allinone cold symptom relief from tylenol®, the 1 doctor recommended pain relief brand. Tylenol®. Everyone has a thing. That binge watch over the weekend thing. More checkingin or checking out things. That tripledouble thing doing it yourself or tagging a friend thing. More revolutions in the making thing. That play like a girl thing. That fourlegged friends thing. At t gives you more for your thing. More entertainment, internet, and unlimited plans. More for your thing. Yeah, thats our thing. [hiphop music] [upbeat music] this weekend, trump showed that hes still trying to get back at hillary for losing to him. The president of the United States, retweeting a video on twitter that shows him hitting a golf ball, and then the golf ball striking Hillary Clinton and knocking her down. You see it there. The president of the United States retweeted that this morning. Why . Why . Thats the official question of the trump administration. This administration brought you by why . with Additional Support from huh . look, we can all agree that this tweet was obviously in poor taste. I mean, we knew that. Its on trumps twitter. Butbut maybe its not the worst thing in the world. Now hear me out, hear me out. Do you notice that trump sent out these tweets right as he started making deals with the democrats . Protecting dreamers, raising the debt ceiling, postponing the wall. Right now, trumps base is furious with him, so, to make them happy, he throws them a mean gif or two, right . Yeah, and i dont know about you, but i feel like this is a trade that i can live with. Trump gives his followers offensive tweets, and then he gives the rest of america policies that move the country forward. Im just saying, if it helps, well even makes the gifs for you, mr. President , yeah. If you stop sabotaging obamacare, well give you this gif of you dunking on obama, right . Look at thatoh donald trump, oh you can have it. You can have it. Or, or, if you crack down on wall street, you can have this gif of you hitting a golf ball into bernies nuts. Oh, oh and then bernies like, jokes on youmy balls are at my knees President Trump is a very brave man, but he does have some very specific fears. For example, hes totally arachnophobic, but of muslims. President trump is not backing down from the International Controversy he ignited by retweeting three inflammatory but unverified antimuslim videos. One shows extremists throwing somebody off a roof. Another showed a jihadist fighter destroying a christian statue. And a third claimed to show an islamic immigrant in the netherlands attacking a dutch boy on crutches. The three videos the president retweeted were originally posted by a tiny antiislam Ultranationalist Party called britain first. For more on these shocking retweets, we turn to our very own hasan minhaj, everybody. [cheers and applause] [whistling] hasan. [cheers and applause] asas an american muslim, it must be troubling and shocking to see the president of the United States send out these videos. No, im not shocked. We were due, you know . Trumps islamophobia is like an eminem freestyle. You get a new one every few months, and its slightly angrier than the last one. Heres what pisses me off these random videos are either totally out of context or straight up false. This fringe British Group wants people to think brown boogeymen are coming to kill them. They recently shared a viral photo of isis fighters, but it wasnt isis. It was ice cube. [laughter] you idiots. Youre mixing up your ices, okay . And its ridiculous, all right . And these new videos are just as ridiculous as that meme. The muslim migrant beating up a dutch boy . Both those kids were dutch. The perpetrator wasnt a migrant. The roof video, horrible, but it happened during the civil unrest in egypt in 2013. Theyre rival political factions. Okay, but what about the video of the statue smashing . Yeah, that guys a terrorist and a vandal and an asshole. No ones saying theres no such thing as terrorism. The point is the president is retweeting false videos to stoke up islamophobia. And even when its totally obvious that trump is spreading bs, this is what his human excuse generator says. White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders defended the president , saying it didnt matter if the antimuslim videos were real. Whether its a real video, the threat is real. Ooh, killer jedi mind trick. Thats like sarah saying, hey, i dont need facts to be racist. I can just be racist. [laughter] heres my thing. Trump doesnt need to send out these fake stories about muslims. If trump needs incriminating video of muslims, ask muslims, ask me i got plenty of dirt on my phone, man. Show my dad returning used underwear at costco. Show my mom telling my aunt were ten minutes away when we havent left the house yet. Show my cousin lying to his parents about having a white girlfriend over thanksgiving. Now thats a viral video, and thats real, sahil. I shouldnt have said his name. Im sokay, i [bleep] up. I shouldnt have said his name. The president then turned to americas greatest foe, fake news media. This tweet is another it also came just moments ago from the president. I will be announcing the most dishonest and corrupt media awards of the year on monday at 5 00 oclock. Subjects will cover dishonesty and bad reporting in various categories from the fake news media. Stay tuned. Okay, thats the right way to use twitter. Honestly, im not sure why donald trump would hold a corrupt media Award Ceremony on monday i mean, maybe hes just doing it so he can walk in on the reporters while theyre changing. Hes like, oh, jake tapper, what a surprise. [laughter] so that was Donald Trumps day on twitter. The bad news is hes, you know, itching to start a nuclear war. The good news is, despite his threats to korea, at least he thinks were gonna make it until monday. This award season, forget the oscars. Forget the Golden Globes because everyone is talking about the 2018 most dishonest and corrupt news awards. You are fake news. Hosted by the most popular president in history, donald j. Trump. And featuring cnns lying jim acosta such lying, disgusting people. Drunk don lemon. A total disgrace. From morning joe, lowiq, crazy mika. They are the lowest form of humanity. And a special future in memoriam for the new york times. The failing new york times, which is, like, so bad. So tune in monday at 5 00 a. M. Or p. M. He didnt say. Also, location tbd. Twitter, maybe. Iby the way, i hate some of these people, but id never kill em. Lets see, well no, i wouldnt. Today, right now, you have more power at your fingertips than entire generations that came before you. But its not really about what technology can do, its about what you can do with it. We are living in the future we always dreamed of. We have mixed reality that changes how we see the world, and ai empowering us to change the world we see. So what will you do with it . Last one. singing lil sweet ooh. For arranging these pillows that are purely for show, you deserve the singing sweet reward of a diet dr pepper. Mmm, that is sweet. 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Lease the 2018 nx 300 for 339 a month for 36 months. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. But now we have new ribs and they are ridic you know we have always been known for our ribs theyre large and in charge of our smokehouse combo and they come on a giant rectangular tray chilis is back, baby, back, baby, back mmmhmm or take your chilis to go baby, go, baby, go we can now repair complex at saortic aneurysmsare, without invasive surgery. If we can do that, imagine what we can do for varicose veins. And if we can precisely treat eye cancer with minimal damage to the rest of the eye, imagine what we can do for glaucoma, even cataracts. If we can use dna to diagnose the rarest of diseases, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. Imagine what we can do for you. [hiphop music] [upbeat music] now, as you probably know, every year, the leaders from around the world meet in new york at the u. N. To discuss major global issues. Its basically comic con for diplomats. This years General Assembly is going to extra special though because its President Trumps first, yeah. And just in case World Leaders werent completely familiar with him, this weekend, President Trump on twitter decided to reintroduce himself. An earlymorning twitter spree by President Trump is sparking controversy tonight. President trump is being slammed for his use of twitter this weekend. President trump appears to have found a new nickname for the north korean leader. He tweeted this morning, i spoke with president moon of south korea last night. Asked him how rocket man is doing. Long gas lines forming in north korea. Too bad. Its great to know that, if america is ever in a war of bitchiness, President Trumps got it covered. Ooh, too bad, rocket man. Weve tried diplomacy. Now weve gotta try sass. Unlock the sass codes wouldnt it be fun if that was a way you could fight . cause instead of Nuclear Weapons, you had sass . Its like, you ready . Unlock them but theres no key. Youre just like, yeah. Thatd be strange. The secretary of state revealed that he has a direct line of communication with north korea, which is a big deal considering north korea is threatening to launch Nuclear Weapons at the u. S. Unfortunately, for the rest of us, President Trump has a direct line of communication with twitter. U. S. President donald trump appears to be undermining in his top diplomat on north korea. I told Rex Tillerson hes wasting his time trying to negotiate with little rocket man. Save your energy rex. Well do what has to be done. I get what trump is trying to do, though. Hes thinking that, by acting crazy, hell strengthen rexs hand with the negotiations. You know, its the old good cop, bad president routine. I understand it. The problem is hes actually a bad president. Its not just a routine. Being nice to rocket man hasnt worked in 25 years. Why would it work now . Clinton failed, bush failed, and obama failed. I wont fail. You know, i would be a lot more confident that trump wouldnt fail if he knew that north korea has had three leaders in the last 25 years, yeah. Clinton and bush were dealing with different kims kim ilsung, kim jongil, and now kim jongun, but i guess to trump, all rocket men look the same. Or maybe, maybe he just cant tell kims apart. Maybe thats his thing. Hes gonna be walking in the street, bumping into lil kim and looking at her like, you son of a bitch tensions with kim jongun loomed over the entire excursion, and it didnt help that north korea released a statement calling trump an old lunatic. And donald trump was like ive got 280 now. Moments ago, President Trump openly mocked the leader of north korea. This is what he wrote why would kim jongun insult me by calling me old when i would never call him short and fat . Oh, well, i try so hard to be his friend, and maybe someday that will happen. Okay, its a little weird for donald trump to diss kim jonguns weight when they have pretty much the same body type. I mean, yeah, im not judging, but i just think people who live in gingerbread houses shouldnt throw scones. Also, also, i love that trumps response was how dare you call me old . Its like, so the lunatic thing, youre okay with that . [laughter] you dont mind at all . Apparently President Trumps new years resolution was i should spend more time on twitter. The president unloading in his first day back here at the white house 16 tweets, mainly a mixture of taunts and threats. President trump raised the temperature in his duel with kim jongun who had boasted of having a Nuclear Button on the desk in his office. Will someone from his foodstarved regime please inform him, the president wrote, that i too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger and more powerful one than his, and my button works. If you had a super computer that could run a simulation of a billion ways, you know, to find the stupidest possible way to get into a nuclear war, this tweet is what would come up every single time. There are some things that twitter just isnt appropriate for. Because just take a step back. Take a step back and think about what pressing the button would actually mean. Hundreds of thousands of people, incinerated instantly, and they would be the lucky ones. Millions more would die horribly in the next few weeks, while any survivors would be left to suffer in the desolate world that is choked by poison ash. Thats not for twitter, people. At the very least, that deserves a tumblr post. Ayep, and my teeth are yellow. . Time for whitestrips. Crest glamorous White Whitestrips are the only adaaccepted whitening strips proven to be safe and effective. And they whiten 25x better than a leading whitening toothpaste. Crest. Healthy, beautiful smiles for life. A little to the left. 1, 2, 3, push easy easy easy horn honking alright alright weve all got places to go weve all got places to go Washington Crossing the delaware turnpike . Surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money sean saved by switching to geico. Big man with a horn. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. engine roaring i i will be king and you. Drink, sir . You will be. No, thanks. engine revving im still driving. Will drive them away we can be heroes. Bring home the taste sensation. Taco bells nacho fries, now with delicious bonus content. The nacho fries 5 box set, now serving at a taco bell near you. [bong ] and his father drank before he met your grandmother. This is the pepsi for this model. Aaannnd his mom. Hi, cindy. Show em how its done. This is the pepsi for every generation. Go. Yes go. Yes nice play. Still buffering. Mine too. What happened . Hey, joy, you should let your new pals know that according to a leading independent study, the most awarded network is now best in streaming. I think you just did. You both can get a much better view of the game on the iphone on verizon unlimited. Thanks. Thanks. Hey, thomas, whens your flight . gasps someone stole my watch. Hey avo unlimited is only as good as the network its on. So get the best unlimited on the most awarded network. And right now, when you buy iphone 8, youll get one on us with no tradein required. [hiphop music] [upbeat music] [cheers and applause] lets talk for a moment about the twitter. Its a wonderful invention, but we have learned that if you ever tweet something that offends too many people, you could get fired from your job, or you could become president. High risk, very high reward. And once again, theres a tweet thats blowing up the news. A controversy about espn host jemele hill. Jemele hill went on a twitter rampage. Jemele hill came under fire this week after she tweeted on monday that President Donald Trump is a white supremacist who has largely surrounded himself with other white supremacists. Espn responded with a statement. The comments on twitter from jemele hill regarding the president do not represent the position of espn. We have addressed this with jemele, and she recognizes her actions were inappropriate. Wow, this is the biggest controversy in sports since the phillie phanatic sex tape. Really, really big. And now youre picturing it. For more on jemele hill and this controversy, were joined by roy wood jr. , everybody. [cheers and applause] roy. What . Ii can see why people are upset about this. She called the president of the United States a white supremacist. She did. I know, trevor. Where could she have gotten that idea . I mean, who in their right mind wouldoh, yeah, everybody. Even congressthey just passed a unanimous, bipartisan resolution asking trump to condemn white supremacists. Trump is the only white dude i know that had to sign paperwork to prove he dont like nazis. [laughter] nazis arent my friend. Eh, were gonna need that in writing though. Okay, but what about what about people what about people who like whos like this. You know, people who say this isnt about trump at all. Its about a double standard. Imagine if a conservative had said whatever similar during the obama years. What would the reaction be . Imagine. Oh, look at john lennon over here. Imagine it. We dont need to imagine because there was a conservative tv personality who tweeted, obama is a racist. [laughter] and. [cheers and applause] and obamaobama never sent out his goon to say that nbc should fire donald trump. You know why . Because obama was too busy doing president stuff killing bin ladens and singing al green. Ooh. [coughing] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause jordan you are the opposition. Its already january 23, and im already furious. My opponent tonight is mexicos former president vicente fox. cheers and applause yes. Okay, okay. Hell admit defeat later. laughter but first, opposers, you know i hate hollywood. This is the place that only gave trump one star on the walk of fame. Hey, tinseltown, stop being so selfobsessed and give him the honor he deserves. laughter but today, im faster becoming more furious at hollywood, becaus
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