Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20171219

Thank you so much for coming out. Take a seat. Thank you so much for coming out. Welcome, everybody. Im trevor noah, and this is the daily shows yearend special, the yearly show. Welcome to it. This is a Little Something we decided to put together to wrap up the year. The year is not over, but were all gonna die, so we figured why not just do this . It was a crazy year, 2017 Sexual Harassment, russians, russians sexually harassing the election, Something Like that. Now the republicans, they got to work hard. They got to get rid of obamacare. All right . Because they named it obamacare. Thats probably the most fun thing about american politics for me is that half of it is branding. Thats all it is. The republicans cant fix obamacare because they named it obamacare because, if they fix it, then obamacare works, and they cant have obamacare work, but its not really obamacare. Its the Affordable Care act, but they named it obamacare because they knew when they said it their voters would hear, black medicine, and they wouldnt want that. What they didnt realize is that black medicine can fix white cancer, and so now theyre in a sticky situation. And all it is is branding, right . Obamacare is a genius, genius name to give it because it doesnt sound like a National Healthcare plan. Obamacare sounds like youre gonna hurt your knee, and barack is gonna walk in the room and kiss it better. Thats all it sounds like. Like, youre gonna be like, oh, i think its broken hes gonna come in, like, right. Uh, bring it in. Uh, bring it in. Uh, come on. Come on. Bring it in. Mmwah. There you go. All right. Go on. Get out of here. Uh, go on, now. Thats all it sounds like, obamacare. Its all branding. Thats really all it is, political branding, and say what you want about the republicans. They are brilliant at political branding. Democrats, nice people, have no clue how to brand, none whatsoever. Like, they just throw things against the wall, see what sticks. Resist what are we, uh, resisting . Everything. Republicans know, you know . Every single issue they brand connects with you emotionally, you know . Gun control, theyre gonna control your guns. I dont even have a gun, and im like, no every issue, prolife or prochoice, thats another one. Thats a powerful one. I remember the first time someone asked me that. Theyre like, trevor, are you prolife or prochoice . I was like, uh, both . Because, like, thats a trick question. How do you say youre not prolife . Youre an asshole. Thats what you are. Are you prolife . No. Im not. No. I dont like life. No. No life for me. Ill have life on the side, thank you. No life, no. Its a trick question. Youre an asshole because i am. Im both. I believe that human beings have the right to exist, and i also believe that women have the right to decide what happens on the inside of their bodies. Thats what i believe. All right . But its a slick move. Its political branding. Yeah, prolife. You answer it in the negative, you look like an asshole. Thats what it is. Its simple branding. Look, ill give you an example now. We can do it in this room. All the men in this room, raise your hand. If you identify as a man, get your hand up, all the way up, all the way up. Hold it up there. Now, only drop your hand if you have stopped masturbating. You see . You were like, oh, wait. Oh. Oh. I dont want my wife to think im a quitter. Oh. Thats all it is, and ladies, the hand they had up, thats the hand, so branding is what got republicans in the sticky situation. Thats all it is. Thats how they got here. Yeah, but obama did his thing, man. Barack obama did his thing. He was smarter than people gave him credit for. You know, we got to interview the president on the daily show, which was really exciting, you know, and, obviously, this was the last year that america had its first and last black president , you know . I remember when we got a call. I got a call at the daily show, and they were like, trevor, would you like to interview the president of the United States . And i was like, do you ask stupid questions . Its like, of course i want to interview the president , and we got to go to the white house to interview barack obama, you know . And we set everything up in this special room, right . Its literally opposites, the oval office, and we sit there, and everything, everything is steeped in history. Every piece is owned by a former president , and were all sitting there waiting for the president to walk in, and they dont give us an exact time, right, for his safety. They just gave us a window, sort of like a cable guy. Were all watching the door waiting for barack to walk in, and then he popped in behind us, scared the [bleep] out of everybody. He was just like, hello, and were like ah because there was another door. No one told us, again. He just pops in, and he was really nice. He greeted everyone. He was like, hello, everybody good . You guys good . How are you doing . Everybody good . Camera guy, yes . Sound guy, how are you doing . How are you doing . And he turned, he looked at me. Hes like, now, trevor, you good . And i was like, he knows my name. I wanted to melt. Oh, man. You should have seen him. Hes just, like, he floats it over, you know . Yeah, because he can walk. I dont know. You dont walk. You move differently when youve got nuclear weapons, you know . Youve just got this thing. He came over, and he sat down. He looked over at me and was like, trevor, you good . I said, i dont know if im good, mr. President. Im a little bit nervous right now. He was like, come on. Why are you nervous . Why are you nervous . I said, well, because i dont want to mess up and bring a brother down with me, you know . He was like, dont be nervous, trevor. You cant bring me down. Im on my way out. And he sounded so cool as well. He was just like, im on my way out, and he was. He was on his way out. Yeah. Next time we saw him was the last time anyone saw him as president , when he was giving that final speech in chicago. He give that powerful speech. He stood up there at the lectern. It felt like his inauguration all over again. He was like, as americans, we got to remember that not every issue is red or blue, that at times, we still got to fight. We got to fight for freedom. We got to fight for liberty. We got to fight for the american dream. We got to fight. And then the next time we saw him, he was kitesurfing with richard branson. I thought you said we were gonna fight im fighting these waves. You do you. Its a crazy time to be around, though, 2017. What an insane year, hmm . The year of donald j. Trump. Yeah. You know, im not going to lie to you. I can process donald trump logically, but, emotionally, for me, hes a paradox. All right . Every day i wake up terrified at the notion that hes president of the most powerful nation in the world, but i must admit, every day, i also wake up knowing hes going to make me laugh. There is terror, and there is joy, and i dont know how to feel about these two things. Yeah. Because, like, do you ever stop for a moment and think to yourself . Like, its the most terrifying thing, and its the funniest thing at the same time. You know what its like . It feels like theres a giant asteroid headed towards the earth, but its shaped like a penis. Like, i think im gonna die, but i know im gonna laugh. And you ever stop for a moment and think to yourself, its only been 10 months . Yeah . Yeah . Its only been 10 months of donald trump. 37 more months to go. Or less. Hey, it could be less. It could be less. You never know. Yeah, and im not even saying, like, Robert Mueller and his investigations. I dont know where that will go. Im just saying, i dont think we should be shocked if donald trump quits. I could see him quitting. He could be the first president who just quits the job. Two years in, i could see donald trump leaving the white house after hes got all these tax cuts. He could just walk out and be like, im done. Unlike most president s, i did it in half the time, folks. So much faster, because he does everything he wants, man. He breaks all the rules, you know . People are like, you cant quit after 2 years. You cant do anything donald trump did. Everything, grab them by the pussy, huh, firing the director of the fbi, huh . Think about it. He fired the director of the fbi, a decision i have to admit, i agree with. All right . I know i shouldnt say that, but its true. I agree with it. I think if you can fire somebody whos investigating you, you should fire them. Yeah. Can we agree on that as human beings . If you can fire somebody whos investigating you, you should fire them. What people should be angry at is the fact that you can fire someone who is investigating you. Thats the crazy [bleep] out there. All right . But if you can fire them, fire them. If i could fire a policeman that was coming after me, are you kidding me . Id be at a dui checkpoint, and the cop would come up to my window like, sir, do you know why i pulled you over . Id be like, to get your ass fired. Im out of here. Were gonna be having a fun show today, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming out. Were in new york city. Were wrapping up a crazy year. We got a fun show with all of our correspondents lined up. Its the daily show, the yearly show. Well be right back with everyone right after this. People with matters that cancome to me. Ned, this ones different though. This is the house i grew up in. [ screaming ] theres evil in that house and i let it into this world. I am going to find it and im gonna finish it. [ wicked laughter ] [ screaming ] [ gasp ] insidious the last key. Rated pg13. Listerine® total care strengthens teeth, after brushing, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. Its an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. Listerine® total care. One bottle, six benefits. Power to your mouth™. Welcome back to the daily shows yearend special. You know, people, if theres one group of people who have defined this year, its been women. So we asked desi lydic and dulce sloan for their thoughts, and they gave us a whole song. When i heard that we were gonna do a yearend special, i was like, we have to do a song. Oh, like when i said that, hey, desi. We should do a yearend song. You were like, good idea, dulce. Yeah, exactly, and i knew that it had to be about women because this has been such an incredible year for women. It was terrible. This year has been terrible for women. Roy it was a nobrainer to get them both on this project. I wanted to be a part of the solution, not the problem. Men have been creepy a longass time, and i want to be here to support women like the underwire of a bra. You just lift. Oh, my god. Im doing it, too. Hey, youre gonna cut that, right . Please just cut that. Yall got me a hit, right . Yes. You ready . Oh, its so good. Yeah. Is it good . Oh, its great. Its so good. Youre so amazing. Youre so good. Ive been writing some lyrics, here. What youve been doing. What youve been doing. Thank you. Has been great. Once you see what i got, though. Just you. Weve been working. Just her. On it together. Just her. Wait until you see my lyrics, roy. Oh, my god. Dulce, incredible voice, just a talent. I havent heard anybody this natural since back when i discovered luther vandross. Did you see on that piano . [ piano music plays ] she learned that today. Selftaught, thats some princelevel [bleep] we should be honored to be in the presence of a musical genius like this, in our lifetime, a vocalist. This guy. Will never. Bragging about me again. You know, i think the key is treating your voice like its an instrument. Like any other instrument, a guitar, an electric guitar, a piccolo. Hello. Ive been singing my whole life, from the time i was a little kid, and dulce has been singing for. I just started today. Well, lucky for you, i am a professional, so i will get you up to speed. Bbbbbbbbbb. But bigger. Bbbbbbbbbb. Ha ha this is gonna be a powerful song for women. And black women. Ahhhh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thats good. No. Thats good. Thats good. You just. But a little more, like. [ offkey ] ahh, oh, yeah la. You always end with la. Is that good . Yeah. That was great. All right. You ladies ready to lay it down . You ready . And here it is, the World Premiere of song for women 2017. This is for you, ladies. 2017 mmhmm women started this year marching handinhand to show that pussygrabber with the terrible tan everywhere i looked a lady resisted tried to stop lizzie yet she persisted all around the world weve come so far saudi women sitting at the wheel of a vehicle pm, chancellor, all weve reached south korean women even getting impeached what a year for women its why were singing finally see us winning what a year for women wonder woman set records at the movies who knew you could direct when you have boobies on the charts cardi b spitting the fire beyonce had twins thats double messiah megan kelly went to nbc from fox 17 million for sure, that sucks women all over taking care of each other and showing some love to our sisters of color i can say that, right . Nope. What a year for women its why were singing finally see us winning in this year of women that fool Harvey Weinstein cant come to phone right now. Why . Because. This is the year we all stood strong no one wants to see a nastyass dong back off, all you producers and actors end up in the trash like the Oreilly Factor because when you look at the patriarchy hold up. Hold up. Dj mansplain is here. Im gonna tell yall what really happened this year. Men are from mars women, theyre from venus nobody likes a surprise penis but maybe you asked for it its kind of on you we men are dumb we cant control what we do too many men this year acting like stalkers it makes me so sad i got a daughter and thats all the time i got to mansplain time for the hook yo, ladies, hit that refrain, unh no. Were not doing that. Mnhmnh. Get the [bleep] out of here. Out. Trying to help, you know . Yo, hillary clinton, take us home. Ahhhhh what a year for women its why were singing keeping it feminine but this mess weve been in our lady dicks are swinging sick of all this winning its the sound were. [ offkey ]. Bringing what a year for women yeah desi lydic and dulce sloan, everybody, a year for women. Well be right back after this. I remember getting a guy to pay 30 grand. I know its politically incorrect, but i thought it was a good cause, to watch Naomi Campbell get dressed. [ laughter ] and gods gonna get me later. Oh. Oh. Drink it in, ladies. Again, matt . Really . Its the third time this week. Get it while it lasts. Id be a really hard subject to satirize because ive done. Ive just been impeccable. Impeccable . Yeah. Ive made some ive made some small mistakes, i suppose. If you are a goodlooking woman. Woman mmhmm. All right, and you cannot comment on that at all. Thats not true. Because if you do, youre a barbarian, and you need to go back to the cave from whence you came. When ive seen examples of people who, you know, mistreat others on the set, i call them out on it. Im a big believer in confrontation because i also think that bullies are not used to being confronted. These days, my problem is very simple. Its trying to find a place in my house where i can masturbate without somebody bothering me, and thats really difficult. Woman charlie, i want you to know, we want you to know, you make us feel alive inside. Oh. I cant tell you what you do to me. [ cheers and applause ] i cant tell you what you do to me. So this is the allnew chevy equinox. Its gorgeous. It offers rear seat reminder, builtin 4g lte wifi. Apple car play compatibility. Wow. And teen driver technology. Thats crazy. Now to get all of these features, youd need all six of those crossovers. Thats insane yep, and you still wouldnt get everything thats in this equinox. Wowww. Six cars in one. Use your employee discount for everyone to get forty five hundred dollars below msrp on this 2018 chevy equinox. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Hey yeah . I switched to geico and got more more savings on Car Insurance . They helped with homeowners, too ok plus motorcycle, boat and rv insurance geicos got you covered like a blanket houston . You seeing this . Geico. Expect great savings and a whole lot more. My wish was a clubhouse, but we call it the wish house. People visit National Parks from all over the world. Food tastes better when you dont have to cook it. He was just supposed to be my dog. I dont know why. vo were proud that, on behalf of our owners, the subaru share the love event will have donated over one hundred fifteen Million Dollars in just ten years. Get 0 financing for 63 months on select models. Plus well donate 250 to charity. Welcome back to the daily shows yearend special, everybody. Now, one thing you can say about 2017 is that there has been a lot of news. Its like every day, they came out with something new. You know, cant we just take, like, tuesday off . Just one day. Our normal show isnt long enough to hit all of our favorites, so here to help us is hasan minhaj with 2017s top moments in cable news, everybody. Whats up, new york . Thank you, trevor. Thank you guys so much. You guys, cable news delivered for me this year, you know . Ive always loved cable news, you know . It answered the ageold question, can we fit 10 minutes of information into an hour . But tonight, we celebrate the best moments of cable news in 2017, baby. Now, im gonna keep this tight, otherwise ill end up on msnbc, so lets start with my favorite afterschool hangout for accused sex offenders, fox news. 2017, we saw the new face of fox news, sean hannity, kind of by default after all the Sexual Harassment that was going on over there, the only people left were sean hannity and the sound guy. So my top fox moment was in november when hannity explained all the conspiracy theories about popularvote president , hillary clinton. That corrupt uranium one deal. Were gonna untangle this web of clinton corruption and show you how all of it is connected. The committee of Foreign Investment in the United States, its known as cfius. The attorney general, thats eric holder. Rosatom, thats controlled by Vladimir Putin and the russians. Former president bill clinton, renaissance capital, the clinton foundation. The second ongoing clinton scandal. Private server, email account, set up, the House Select Committee on benghazi, james comey, loretta lynch. Now, our third scandal involves fusion gps, perkins coie. Theres christopher steele, senator john mccain, buzzfeed. Look at this, pretty amazing. That chart had everything. All right . Uranium one, buzzfeed, my middleschool girlfriend janice mallo. He hit all his marks. I love how hannity is trying to go true detective on us, but it really looks like an exfootball coach is trying to sell you timeshares. But if hannity is the king of rightwing crazy, whos the new emerging queen . Please welcome to cable news, tomi lahren. Another condescending leftist telling you how to think, feel and act. This time, its Michelle Obama reminding the ladies that she knows whats best for us. Senator flake, you are americas exboyfriend. You knew you were gonna get dumped, so you dumped us first. Well, dont let the door hit you on the way out. And hillary said she was appalled. Really, hillary . Were you really appalled . Were you appalled by bill, too . Because you stayed with him. I dont believe any of this. I dont know about you, but im pretty sick and tired of hearing these liberal entertainers, many of whom have never bought, touched or shot a firearm, lecture the rest of us on our secondamendment rights. Hillary, what happened . You happened. Does tomi lahren just wake up in the morning and go, hey. What if the movie mean girls was the news . Now, lets move on to msnbc, the network that hates trump more than trump hates normallength ties. This march, my girl, rachel maddow, dropped one of the top cable news moments of the year, Donald Trumps tax returns. Good evening, chris. Its been a little bit of a hullaballoo around here this evening. I cant imagine i apologize for being a little flustered. You may have heard, weve got some significant breaking news tonight. Donald trumps tax returns have surfaced. Do you remember how excited we were . Like, this was the liberal super bowl party. I had a platter with quinoa and glutenfree nachos. We could not wait, right . Come on, woke baes, but we had to wait a lot. In just a second, we are going to show you exactly what it is that weve got. This document has been made available. Part of whats very important about this story. When Richard Nixon said, i am not a crook, he wasnt talking about watergate. He was talking about his taxes. Hillary clinton, she released every year of her tax returns. Back to 19. This particular russian oligarch, the guy who paid trump all that money for that house. Does the president have Foreign Bank Accounts . Did turkey have a financial relationship with the president . This 2005 tax return. Well go through it next. Come on, rachel give it to me its been 4 hours. I got to pee. All right . I saw two Bollywood Movies in that time. We have his federal tax return for 1 year, for 2005. What we have are these two pages. Two pages . ive been to food trucks with longer menus. Are you joking me, rach . And after all that, you know what we learned . In 2005, donald trump made a lot of money and paid some taxes. Msnbc, please stop hyping things up and underdelivering. Its the news, not the Justice League movie, okay . But if you want the real goods in 2017, you had to turn to the ancestral home of adults yelling at each other, cnn, baby, and for me, cnns man of the year was don lemon. My man don was not playing games, even when roy moores lawyer tried to lighten up the pedophilia discussion. Yeah, man. Its great to be on here, don. I appreciate it, hoping ill be able to give you the name don, easy peasy lemon squeezy, right . Youre gonna take it easy on me. Hey, don lemon squeezy keep it easy, heres the thing, man. Its just lemon. My mom didnt name me. Hold on, man. My mom didnt name me don lemon. I got you. Easy squeezy. Its just don lemon. Go on. I got you, man. Thats right. Squeezy keep it easy is not don lemons name. Its the title of his debut r b album. Now, i was wondering, why was don lemon being so serious for the past 12 months . Then i remembered, it might be because he got turnt last new years. Hello. Hello. Hello. Happy almost new year. How are you . Happy new year. This is way too early to start this. We want a shot . I will do a shot. All right. Its 5 00 somewhere. Hold t t. I hope you guys are. Can you hear us . Counting how many times hes doing this. We really dont need to see whats about to haeren he. No. No. No. Oh oh ow mother. Oh, the hole, crap but i dont really do resolutions, and i live my life to the fullest. I dont care what people think about me. I do what i want because its my life. You know what im saying . Dont put me in a box. Thats why muslims dont drink, okay . By the way, that was before trump became president , so this year i cant wait to see don lemons new years eve nipple ring. Happy new years, you guys. Take care. [ cheers and applause ] hasan minhaj, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hasan minhaj i was wondering if an electric toothbrusthan a manual. S better and my hygienist says it does but theyre not all the same. Who knew . I had no idea. So she said, look for one thats shaped like a dental tool with a round brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to gently remove more plaque. And unlike sonicare, oralb is the only electric toothbrush brand accepted by the American Dental Association for its effectiveness and safety. My mouth feels so clean. Ill only use an oralb. Oralb. Brush like a pro. You are a city city wall, city wall she could be dancing down a hall, dancing down a hall were turning heads, were turning heads, were turning heads, oh yeah and nothing can stop us now like when you finally get it mahome from the storeeasy. But forgot that one thing. Just say, hey google, buy dog food. It knows that was a disaster, and this ones you fav. And while youre doing that, it can do this okay. Ordered coffee. And when you dont want to share everything with your family. [sneezing] reordering gummy vitamins. And you even get free delivery from here here here and lots of other places with google express. Google home and google home mini, now starting at 29. Welcome back to the daily shows yearend special. 2017 was a huge year for technology and social media. I mean, not as big as last year when they elected putin as u. S. President , but still a pretty big year, and because the year was so big, we got ronny chieng to take a look back. Ronny chieng, everybody [ cheers and applause ] thanks, trevor. In 2017, technology kept pushing boundaries, proving its brave enough to invent things we already have. Airbnb invented a hotel. A startup called bodega cat invented the vending machine, and lyft came up with this genius new idea. Woman the Ridesharing Company says it has developed an option it says is cheaper and simpler. Now, lyft says riders pay a fixed price to travel along a planned route with a set timetable. Its called the lyft shuttle. Congratulations, idiots. You just invented the bus. Why stop there . I dont know. How about an organic car that runs on oats . Convenience was the one thing your company had going for you. Youve taken away the whole reason for you to exist. Youre like porn that has been edited for tv. Why bother . Now its just a 2minute story about a guy who delivers a pizza and then leaves used condoms behind. But, hey, you know what . The more time these Tech Companies spend reinventing the wheel, the less time they have to build robots that will take over the world which, as we saw this year, is definitely gonna happen. [ gunshots ] why are we giving robots guns . Okay. You idiots could have just invented a robot that is a gun, but social media was still good for something this year, making stupid [bleep] go viral, and the best place to get things trending was definitely award shows. Beyonce performed pregnant with twins and proved not even gravity can mess with her. Also, a robot disguised as winona ryder malfunctioned at the sag awards, and at the bet awards, eminem got woke while he waited for his valet to pull the car around, but nothing broke the internet like the oscars. When Warren Beatty won best awarding of best picture to the wrong [bleep] movie award. Thats the worst mistake hollywood has ever made. Well, that and the decades of sexual abuse, of course. It goes sexual abuse, then oscar mishap, then emma stone playing an asian woman, okay . I could have played that asian woman. Its called representation. And then there was this viral masterpiece. If you didnt already know this guy, let me introduce you to the internets newest celebrity. His real name is nusret, but everybody on instagram calls him salt bae. That dude got tens of millions of hits for doing this instead of this. This, tens of millions of hits. This, nothing. Its not even hygienic. The salt is falling on his arm as it falls into the food. Yo who even is this guy . He looks like hes trying to sell body oil at the mall. All right. Back to you, trevor. Ronny chieng with this year in tech, everybody. Well be right back. 10 million, this is 10 million right here. Right here. 10 million, baby. If i did a 10th a 10th of what she did, i would be in jail today. [ laughter ] i love how many collars he wears. Interesting look. Heres what i will tell you, okay . I love the president. I love the president. I love the president , and im very, very loyal to the president. By the way, you going to get the votes . He better get them. Oh, he better. Otherwise ill say, tom, youre fired. Ill get somebody. [ laughter ] this was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period. With respect to over the. Hold on one second. As many of you know. As the designated education point points demo dem denmark. This one is the. Ive got the 13 here as well or the 2017, rather, right here. [ cheers and applause ] man rated e to m. [i feel you by depeche mode] i feel you within my mind i feel you you take me home to glorys throne by and by i feel you man now starting at 199 [music plays throughout] [music fades out] welcome back to the daily shows yearend special, everybody. Its been a wonderful year. Its been a crazy year. Donald trump is still president. Were all waiting to wake up, but we will not. You know what . I feel like this year we were a little bit unfair. We focused on all the things donald trump got wrong and not all the things he got not as wrong, which is not fair. I mean, like, for instance, donald trump went on an international trip, his very first, and i was surprised that he did not end the world on that trip. I dont know if you remember it, right . They said that donald trump was gonna go to saudi arabia and give a speech on islam. Remember that, yeah . And i was like, oh, wow. Donald trump is gonna go to saudi arabia and give a speech on islam to actual muslims. I was waiting for the world to end in that moment. I thought he was just going to get off the plane, see all the muslim women dressed up and be like, so many ninjas, and it was just gonna end. Every moment on that trip had me terrified, every moment, and then it turned out the trip wasnt even the highlight of the trip because everyone focused on the one thing, melania and the hand slap. Yeah, when melania hit his hand away like a slovenian dikembe mutombo. No. No. No. I remember how everyone was shocked. They were like, oh, my god. Is there trouble . Are donald and melania having trouble . Is there something wrong in their relationship . Im like, guys, you dont need to be a genius to figure out that they are not having a good time in their relationship, okay . You could see it in the very beginning when donald and melanie first moved into the white house. Well, she didnt. She stayed out of it. That was the first sign, right . But before, when they started it off, you could see that these people werent having a good time if you just listened to their speeches. Every single speech they made, every single speech, seemed like they were secretly throwing shade at the other person. Right . All you had to do was listen every single time somebody came out to speak. All right . Because melania, when she came out to speak and announce her platform as first lady, what did she say . She came out and she said she was gonna do what . Fight cyberbullying. All right . Straightfaced, she came out, and she was like, i believe, as first lady of the United States of america, we need to fight cyberbullying. We must stop the people on the twitter who are saying the bad things. We need to stop them, all of them. They must be stopped. Stop them now. And people were like, hey. Do you know your husband . She knew what she was doing she was throwing shade, man. She probably planned it. She got home that night. She was smiling, all happy with herself, probably dropped her keys on the table. Donald trump was sitting in the living room, turned on the lights furious. Melania, i saw what you said about me on the news. It was very not nice. I didnt think youd be watching, donald. I thought you were watching the cartoons. You knew i was watching, melania, and youve started a war. Well, do your worst, donald, and he did. It was war, and you know it was war because the next time he came out and gave a speech, what did he say . Weve got to get rid of all these immigrants, folks they got to leave this country, every single one of them. They got to go. They all got to go. And then she went to a womans conference. She was like, the men who are doing sexual assault, we need to stop them. They grabbing the women. We must fight against it. Its like, yo, you guys need to handle your [bleep] at home, man. Stop involving us. What has been amazing to me is seeing how people genuinely dont understand that donald trump has always been like this, you know . Seeing people saying things, like, theyll be like, when is he going to stop tweeting . Like, when is he going to become president ial . I wish he would just shut up and do his job. Why is donald trump doing all these things . Well, heres the easiest way you can understand it. Fundamentally, donald trump wants to be president , but he doesnt want to do president. Thats all it is, right . He wants to be president , but he doesnt want to do president. Being president is symbolic. You fly around. You kiss the babies. You make the speeches. Thats being president. Doing president is hard. Its boring. You got to do, like, legislation with congress. You got to figure out the economy, you know . You got to work on geopolitics with foreign leaders. Thats the boring part of the job. Nobody wants to do that part. Maybe hillary, no one else, right . Donald just wants to have fun. You know when i realized this . It was when he was on the white house lawn and the Truck Drivers association came to visit him, and instead of helping the republicans vote on healthcare, donald decided to playplay in the truck. Do you remember that . And he sat there, and it was the cutest, most terrifying thing weve ever seen in our lives because he got there, and he was like, can i get in . Guys, can i get in . And they were like, yeah. Youre the president. Whatever, man. Get in. Get in. But they didnt give him the keys. They were like, dont give him the keys. Dont give him the keys. Whatever you do, dont give him the keys. He jumped in, and he started to fake drive that truck with more passion than hes given any other topic in the presidency. He just say there, and he made the sounds with his own mouth. Im still impressed by that. The president of the United States, and he was like. Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. Ha, ha. And thats when i realized, thats all donald trump ever wanted, people. Yeah. He just wanted to play president. America didnt need to elect him. They could have just bought him a fisherprice my first president set. It would have been the same thing. It could have had a tiny, little plastic resolute desk, working all day. What are you doing now, donald . Im signing executive orders. He spends a lot of time on politics and media, but for a lot of people, theres more important matters out there, and im talking, of course, about sports. 2017 had some unforgettable moments on and off the fields, so we asked roy wood, jr. And Michael Kosta to break them down for us. Give it up, yall. Oh, yeah. Whats up, everybody . Im roy. Thats michael, and this is the 2017 year in review for sports. And what a year it was, roy. The astros won their first world series ever. We also had two cocky idiots trying to beat the snot out of each other. And the new England Patriots had an amazing comeback over the Atlanta Falcons in super bowl li, ouch oh, the falcons, rip, blew a 25point lead, bro. They blew it so bad, they had to write a book called what happened. Well, but the most important story, of course, is the nfl players kneeling to protest the oppression of the black man in america. My man, roy, here knows what thats all about. No rest for the brothers, am i right, roy . Actually, man, i just kind of want to keep this segment light and fun, so lets just keep moving. I hear you. Yeah. Im down, dawg. Because sports is supposed to be light and fun, and the nfl got a little more fun this year when the league lifted the ban on group touchdown celebrations. And the players took full advantage. To date, they did the jamaican bobsled team. They did the. They performed cpr. They even played leapfrog. I mean, where do they come up with this . I mean, these celebrations were cool. Yeah. But they werent as good as the ones that you and i used to throw down back in our playing days. Oh, you mean the pepper and the parmesan . Lets show them pepper and parmesan. Here we go, pepper. Heres the salad. The parmesan. Eat that salad. Pepper and parmesan crushed it. Ill tell you who else crushed it the golden state warriors. They were absolutely dominant, cruising to an easy nba finals victory over lebron and the cavs. Speaking of the cavs, kyrie irving demanded a trade so he wouldnt have to play with lebron james, and that wasnt even the craziest thing he said this year. Man one of the big stories out of allstar weekend is the cavs star kyrie irving believes that the earth is flat. Despite years of science, kyrie honestly believes that the earth is not round. Kyrie, baby, how you gonna say the earth is flat when you basically spend 20 hours a day dribbling a damn globe . A damn globe, of course id be remiss if i didnt mention that there was a racial slur that was spraypainted on the home of lebron james. Clearly money and fame are not enough to protect the black man in todays america, and thats an america with three ks, right, roy . Yeah, man. Why do you keep bring up all this heavy race stuff . This supposed to be a light segment. I just want my sports with no racism. Im sorry. You know me, but im an ally to the black man. Stop saying the black man. How you gonna say that . I minored in african studies. That aint got nothing to do with it. Okay. All right. Ill just back off the african. Okay. Look. Anyway, lets just move on because the most incredible performance of this year. Yeah. Has to go to Serena Williams winning the Australian Open while pregnant. Yeah. Try pulling that off, roger federer. Well, he couldnt because technically. What more can you say . Theres nothing more inspiring to me than a strong. Yeah. Powerful black woman. Man, i told you, you have to. Im impressed by black women. Michelle, serena, your own mom. Keep my mamas name out your mouth. It was a compliment. She raised a great man, roy. Just stop talking about race. I know whats going on. You dont have to keep bringing up race every time. Its hard because 2017, roy, was a year that race and sport intersected like never before. No. No. There was one story. Michael phelps raced a shark, and that had nothing to do with magical black women, nothing to do with wokeness and nothing to do with race. Okay. I just. Oh, god. How is race. How is this race . Nothing, its, just, i have always seen the shark as the black man of the sea. You were saying. Youre saying me and this shark. Look. Im just saying. You were saying. Everyone that was involved in this made so much money off of what . The sharks hard labor. How much money did the shark make . Nothing. I mean, to me, that sounds a lot like. The shark is working. Everyone is making money, but the shark is not making any money. No. No. No. No. No. Dont say that. To me thats. Dont ever say that. Dont even. Thats slavery. Im done. Thats what that is. Oh, man. Roy wood, jr. , im Michael Kosta. To me, the shark is slavery. Happy kwanzaa, you guys. Have a great year. Roy wood, jr. , Michael Kosta, everybody. Happy kwanzaa. Well be right back. Happy kwanzaa. Give extra. Get extra. Listerine® total care strengthens teeth, after brushing, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. Its an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. Listerine® total care. One bottle, six benefits. Power to your mouth™. Of course 7up is delicious alone. But, ladies, did you know you can make lots of stuff with 7up . I didnt. Hmm. Try adding it to lemon cake for an extra kick on pinochle night. What else can you do with 7up . Well, you could mix 7up with whiskey and drink it at this underground fight club. Esther . You know esther . We thought you were dead. We went to your funeral. Well, turns out im alive. In summery, you can do a lot with 7up and your dead friends a cage fighter. 7up. Mix it up a little. [[ screaming ] } [ gasp ] people who need help with hauntings, come to me. But this house, is my familys house. Im gonna find it and im gonna finish it. Elise, theres someone right in front of you. I dont see anything. [ screaming ] insidious the last key. Rated pg13. Thank you so much, everybody. Roy wood, jr. , dulce sloan, desi lydic, Michael Kosta, hasan minhaj, ronny chieng, we appreciate you so much. Thank you for coming out. Thank you for laughing with us. We will see you all in 2018. Now, here it is, your moment of zen. Lewis black here. As 2017 draws to a close, id just like to say, good riddance. Im not gonna say, you were the worst year in history because i didnt live through the plague. The point is, i just know that 2018 will be a fantastic year for so many of you, especially if youre Climate Change because that [bleep] just keeps getting hotter and hotter, and gun violence, i know youve got your sights set on the new year. Boy, are we all [bleep] but in 2018, i hope all your wishes come true whether they be for health, prosperity or a quick and painless death. And, hey, thats 1 year of trumps presidency down and only 3 more years of pantscrapping terror to go. Whoop de doo. Sleep tight, america. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, everybody, for coming out. Thanks. Thank you very much. Thank you, everybody. Have a great night. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. applause ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States. cheers and applause upon. Thank you, thank you merry christmas. Merry christmas. Thats a phrase i just came up with. Can you comment on the allegations against roy moore . I dont want to talk about allegations. See ya later, alligators. In a while, pedophile laughter this is a christmas special. Its called i came up with christmas. Before me, the only holidays were kwanzaa and toyotathon. laughter and thats why tonights theme is savior. Im saving you such great savings. Every day brings the downfall of powerful men over sexual misconduct. Yeah, it seems like its not going to stop. Are you concerned youll be next . Falalalala sir, you cant just sing to avoid answering our questions yeah, youve had so many failures this year. What do you consider your greatest accomplishment . Judge neil gorsuch came to town on the supreme court. Gorsuch, gorsuch, gorsuch, gorsch. Hes a judge that i did sir sir, i have a question. I have a question. Bebe neuwirth . Youre not a reporter. Youre an emmy and tony