Hats into the ring, the 2016 election season is finally in bloom, like a beautiful flower that costs billions and billions of dollars and ultimately smells like bleep . laughter the election season flowers is really one of your lesdesirable flowers. And even though there is still an ungodly amount of time before the election, rrptz focused on mostly bigpicture issues. Would you attend a gay wedding . If a samesex couple invited you to their wedding, would you go . If you had a loved one or friend getting married in a samesex wedding, would you attend . The question is would you attend a gay wedding . laughter . Jon if you cant handle these questions, how are you going to handle putin asking you to go to a gay wedding . How are you going to handle that . laughter yeah. This election is going to boil down to who do you trust to pick up the phone at 3 00 a. M. And r. S. V. P. To a gay wedding. laughter but that is how far gay marriage has advanced in this country. Compare that to the questions g. O. P. Candidates were being asked in the last election cycle. Do you believe state lawmakers have the right to make samesex marriage legal . Ntheir states . Would you support an amendment to the u. S. Constitution defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman . Would a president santorum push for a constitutional amendment as president bush once proposed banning samesex marriage . Jon oh, my god president santorum. laughter you kill me you got me again, john king, you praingster. laughter , of course, the national shift makes it a lot more acceptable now for republican candidates to say kind of things they were saying in the last Campaign Cycle as well. I am for a constitutional amendment that says marriage is between a man and a woman at the federal level. The sacrament of marriage is based on a man and woman. Marriage existed before governments existed. I can call this napkin a paper towel, but it is a napkin. laughter jon oh, oh, and let me gets, in your scenario, the paper towel is the gay guy. Oh, okay. How stereotypical you can get . cheers and applause you get my point. Republicans can no longer dismiss gay marriage out of hand. They must engage the question. The question is, if you would attend to a gay wedding. If somebody in my life that i loved and cared for, of course, i would. I mean, im not going to hurt them simply because i have a dis i disagree with a choice theyve made. Jon in my mind, obviously, what theyre doing is a crime against god, but come on. The receptions probably going to be awesome. laughter i didnt learn the entire dance for nothing. cheers and applause heres how far heres how far this issue has moved. Some of the most conservatively credentialed of the candidates are at least going to the reception. A Family Member or had a Family Member who had a reception, but for someone i love, we would be at the reception. I have a friend who is gay who asked me if i would go to his wedding. And i went home and said to my wife,un, my friends getting married. What do you think . Do you want to go . She said,im absolutely going. I called him today and said, hey, just let me know what time it is. Jon and he said 3 00 p. M. On a fridays and its a cash bar. And then i said, are you bleep kidding me . This wedding is an abomination. , of course, some republicans still having trouble shedding their 2012 ways. Would you, rick santorum, attend a samesex wedding of of a loved one or family friend or anyone you were close to . No, i would not. I would love them and support them. I would not participate in that ceremony. Jon you know, i know i know you dont want to redefine the word request marrt it does appear you want to redefine the words love and support. But its okay. It doesnt matter. cheers and applause santorum doesnt want to attend a wedding. Thats fine. Hell be there on the wedding night. Dont google that. Dont dont google that. Dont applause yeah. Youre going to need a napkin and a paper towel. laughter anyone else want to weigh in . How about straighttalking firebrand ted cruz . If you had a loved one or a friend getting married in a samesex wedding, would you attend it . Well, i will tell you i havent faced that circumstance. Jon nice try, reporter. He doesnt have friends and doesnt get invited to those things, especially weddings. Ted cruz and the happiest day of someones life they dont really go together. At this point, candidates who oppose gay marriage cant do it with the fire and brim stone rhetoric. The worst they can do is sound like a catty relative. Ill go but. What kind of a virgo marries a libra . Really the only thing that hasnt changed in the last four years is how angry republicans get when you ask them about it. What is the gotcha question coming way out of the past. I stand very strong for marriage between one man and one woman. Un, thats part of the gotcha game but the media tries to twist the question of marriage into, is they try to twist it into a battle of emotions and personalities. Jon exactly, emotions and personalities have no place in a discussion about marriage. laughter marriage is an abstract principle that exists on a theoretical plain and has no Practical Impact on people as god intended. Well be right back. cheers and applause weve been compromised . Dont let hunger kill your game. Hot pockets brings you new snack bites. Bitesize hot pockets sandwiches with 100 real cheese. Guys im back new snack bites from. Hot pockets go get help, boy. Go get help. Go get help right now if youre a cat, you ignore people. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Go on kitty, kitty. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. New lipton sparkling iced tea. Refreshing tea infused with light, crisp, tiny bubbles. For a taste that lifts you up. Every coconut has a dream. To come out of its shell. To show all the world its true, inner beauty. And then, in an ironic twist, get covered up by chocolate and almonds. Almond joy mounds. What every coconut wants. cheers and applause jon welcome back. Though we live in challenging times, we are blessed. laughter every now and again a hero comes along not the one we want, or the one we need not even a hero, really. Just some bleep guy. laughter usually from florida. Shocking stunt pulled off by a man who flew his small gyrocopter to washington and then landed on the west lawn of the u. S. Capitol. The pilot was this man, dow jones hughes, a postal worker from florida. Apparently, literally flew in under the radar, literally. By the time he moves all the way into the real middle of it all here, he is one of the most protected pieces of air in this entire country. Jon what its forget the gyrocopter. The real threat is cnns giant tom forman. Give me a billion dollars or i will crush the city rrrrrr so the key to this applause i like to swing my chair. The key to this harmless in no way interesting to actual terrorist Security Breach was to to fly a gyrocopter so low it was invisible to radar. Fortunately, there was another kind of alarm system that was able to detect this threat. This is not good, people. laughter applause . Jon yes. We deployed our countrys vaunted heydar as in, hey dar whats incredibly hard to believe it chipotle over here was able to plan all this without being discovered, a plot like this, i imagine had to be kept in total secrecy see. He blogged about his plans in 2013. He also told secret Service Agents about his plans a year ago. The secret service said they received a call at approximately 1 p. M. From a reporter with the Tampa Bay Times who asked if the agency was aware of a permit obtained by hughes to fly and land on the capitol grounds. laughter applause jon our country employs historys most advanced and somewhat nefarious Security Network thoroughly monitoring our personal data every day, n. S. A. Spy center and 1. 7 billion in the context of the total national it Defense Budget of 633 billion, our every email gets analyzed like a newly discovered shakespeare play, but when a guy sends you his explicit plans to violate red zone d. C. Airspace, that is like the user agreement. Scroll, scroll, scroll, sure, agree, i dont care. Our entire National Security our entire National Security apparatus rights our privacy daily obsessively looking for a need nel a haystack, and hes standing over there waving a giant needle, and Homeland Security is like get that sharp thing out of my face. I got needles to find. Well, if mr. Hughes intent was to point out holes in our National Security, mission accomplished. Hughes landed his gyrocopter on the capitol lawn as part of a protest against Campaign Finance laws. Carrying 535 letters, one for each member of congress. The pilot had hoped to spark a conversation about the state of big 99 politics. Jon i know what . To be fair. Campaign finance laws are a major problem. Kudos to that fella. That is a conversation we should be having, and if it takes a pilot from mad max over here to start that conversation, then so be it. Lets not ignore the complete d. C. Security meltdown conversation. Its not just the capitol. These breaches have been happening at the white house. Sweeping change religion coming including a possible 10foot fence. A possible double fence. Barbed wire. A moarkts. An electrified rail, even nondrying pant is considered. Jon heres your problem. Let me tell you how the nondrying pant works. The intruders brush up on the nondrying fence, get a white stripe down their back, and a skunk tries to molest them. Theres been a Security Breach at the white house this, time involving a fouryearold. The child managed to climb under a temporary barrier along pennsylvania avenue. Secret Service Agents responded with guns drawn only to find the intruder was a child. The spokesperson for the secret service said the child got a timeout. laughter applause jon in guatanamo. laughter specifically, baby gitmo. Well be right back. cheers and applause its time to bid farewell. To this booking incredible island resort. And its incredible island staff. father i cant imagine life without them. This is not goodbye. Yes, it is. father no, it isnt. Ok, i guess its not. You got it booking right. Booking. Com booking. Yeah from bank of america to buy a new gym bag. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time and 2 back at the grocery store. Even before he got 3 back on gas. Kenny used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to join the wednesday night league. Because he loves to play hoops. Not jump through them. Thats the excitement of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. New lipton sparkling iced tea. Refreshing tea infused with light, crisp, tiny bubbles. For a taste that lifts you up. More data means more freedom to do. Whatever. Thats why at t is giving you 50 more data. Thats 15 gigs of data for the price of 10. Because the more data you have, the better. And right now at at t get 300 credit for every line you switch when you trade in a smartphone and buy any smartphone on at t next. cheers and applause . Jon welcome back. My guest tonight thinks hes so funny. laughter hes got a television show, too. Good. Fill your mouth with that delicious buttered bagel i made you. I want to ask for a favor. No imagine a world where you can live out your dream of having an athletic son including of a triple flatfooter. No. That world can be yours for 250. No. Because with your help . No. I can become, youre going to love this no. An olympics class centur. Seriously, of all sport, you pick the one with the pointy swords. You know how your mom is crazy about eye safety, crazy jon please welcome back to the program jeff garlin cheers and applause jon flaul fall, let me ben with this, that is a magnificent cap. Yes, yes, made at al the tire in north beach for me. Jon am i wrong that that is known as a jeff cap or a tam. What do they controversy that as . Hay, taxi i dont know. By the way, your sound person, i have never had this happen tim, marlin . A woman, i dont know. Jon marilyn. Marilyn. She told me when i go out there to sit up straight. Jon thank you i can tell you something no ones ever done that before laughter . Jon the one thing and i mean this sin serious the one thing that when i leave i think will suffer greatly is the posture of our guests from what i understand. Yeah, yeah. I want to talk about something. laughter . Jon well, were on a talk show, so all right. Look, im not here im not here to promote anything. Im not. Yes, im on the goldbergs wednesday on abc. cheers and applause yes. But its its a very successful show already. Jon its a hugely successful show. I dont know need to come on here you dont need to do any of this. To promote abc oned withs. Jon people dont snead to know that youre on abc. And you be because we started together, im a standup comedienne, and yes, im a Big Television star. So why would i need to promote this weekend that im going to be at the improv in atlanta . I dont need to do that. Jon are you really at the improv in atlanta . Im at the improv in atlanta, yeah. Jon if youve never seen jeff garlin do standup,un, you know youre not alone. Youre not. A the the love people havent. Jon hes great. We used to work the road together. Hes great. I am here because i thought this was your last week. Jon you did . And then last night you made you made your announcement last night. Jon yes. And i was watching and im like what are you talk see, i thought your last week youd have your best friend. And but heres, can i tell you something let me explain something. I bleep talked to him last week on the phone. laughter so you would think that a friend might say when were talking on the phone, oh, by the way, is this your last week . Okay, i thought youd have your three best friends, and i know im number three. Bruce springsteen, number one. Number but thats fantasy friend. Thats not youre my real friend. Number two, sofia vergara. cheers and applause always talking about her. laughter thats all he does. cheers and applause and then me i like my women like i like my coffee, pricy. I never heard you do that before. Thats funny. All right. laughter now, youre coming off here august something, august what . Jon you still dont someonknow . What is it . Jon august 6. So ironically, youre going off the air when i go back into production th. Jon i dont know that thats irony. How is that irony . Let a man finish. All right. Jon i spent my whole life letting you finish. Let me tell you something, kramden one of these days we did do barney and fred when we audition gld we auditioned for a commercial once and for some reason we decide to go dressed as barney and friend like idiots. Like idiots. cheers and applause by the way, guess who was barney . laughter . My favorite i think was the casting director did not find it funny. And she actually was mad at us. Im not making that up. But heres the important thing. Jon all right, all right. One about half of abc and Sony Pictures television i am offering you a role on the goldbergs as my new friend toby. laughter . cheers . Jon why toby . Why toby. Toby, thats what the writers came up with, toby. Audience toby toby toby toby toby toby jon all right. Toby so im toby goldberg. No, it wont be goldberg, no, no. Schwartz. Jon fine. Toby schwartz. And you own a lotion shop next to my laughter next to my furniture store. And you and i talk about things. laughter cheers and applause jon come here, come here. A lot of people have said to me and i mean this sincerely a the lot of people have said to me, what, are you going to do when youre done . And ive had a secret dream. And that is to pretend to be a lotion shop owner. And for you to make that for you to make that dream come true to me its thank you. Hey, friend, third best friend. Be . Three. Jon behind springsteen and sofia vergara. The goldbergs, which is unnecessary for me to remind you because its a Hill Television show, airs wednesday nights at 8 30 on abc. Jeff garlin cheers and applause new lipton sparkling iced tea. Refreshing tea infused with light, crisp, tiny bubbles. For a taste that lifts you up. Everyday, millions of amazing photos and videos are shot with iphone. Thats because the iphone makes it easy for everyone to shoot amazing photos and video. If its not an iphone, its not an iphone. Sir, can you hear me . Two, three. Just hold the bag. We need a portable xray, please [ nurse ] im a nurse. I believe in the power of science and medicine. But im also human. And i believe in stacking the deck. [ female announcer ] to nurses everywhere, thank you, from johnson johnson. [ female announcer ] to nurses everywhere, hello, ladies. Do you wanbear glove to smell. Like sophistication . Bear glove then try old spice swagger. Bear glove [repeatedly] i apologize. He means bear glove no i dont. Bear glove stop it. [old spice whistle] peter hit me in the nose with a football. Marcia, what happened . Now sweetheart. Shut up marcia, eat a snickers®. Why . You get a little hostile when youre hungry. Better . Better. Marcia, marcia, marcia. cheers and applause . Jon were going to check in real quick with our good friend Larry Wilmore on the the nightly show. Last night, im sorry we didnt get to do it, i was announcing final date, august 6. Yi am pumped, yes jon that i am leaving. No, jon, i was talking about the pretear of top chefs duels. Jon can you tivo that, that night. Because were having a party. Sorry, jon, im having a party that night, too, for the top chefs duel premiere. Youre whole staff is coming. Jon i thought they were going to come to my party. Im just messing with you, man im messing with you. Ill be there. The food better not suck, all right. Jon no, it wont. Thanks, larry. Larry wilmore, everybody. That is our show. Here it is your moment of zen. The next 20 months are going to be a hobbesian state of nature. Its going to be like lord of the flies. But let me tell you something, january 2017 is coming. applause tonightly trump steals the show at the iowa state fair with his shiny new helicopter. Okay, i give up how small is this guys penis . laughter cheers its got to be cheers and applause also, g. O. P. Candidates enjoy baconwrapped corn dogs and fried twinkies at the iowa state fair